Why My Relationship Failed, a Fantasy Bond Story
We’ve all been there. Sitting alone, upset, rejected, wondering, “what the heck just happened?” That’s where I was at the end of my last relationship. The sad thing was, I knew exactly what had happened, and I knew I could have stopped it.
It had all started nearly a year and a half ago. One Friday night, while I was with a friend at a party, I spotted this gorgeous guy from across the room – 6’2” with beautiful big brown eyes and a smile that was infectious. My friend and I giggled at the thought of talking to him. After a few minutes of her badgering me to “make a move,” I mustered up all the courage I had to talk to him. I shyly started sauntering over, trying desperately to think of some ridiculous excuse to talk to him, and when I got there, all I could think of to say was, “Uh, I like your shoes.” Did I really just say that?! For some reason he found this endearing and smiled. After that, by some miracle, we hit it off.
Soon following that fateful Friday night, we had our first date, and by the end of it, I knew he was perfect for me. Within a week, I had fallen madly in love with him. Within two months, we were planning a future together. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance, but neither of us seemed to mind. We had an amazing relationship; it wasn’t perfect, but we were happy. However, as you know, this story doesn’t have a happy ending.
The trouble began a few months into our relationship. We had seen each other every single day since we had started dating, and by this point, we were extremely comfortable with each other. In fact, it was almost like we were just extensions of each other. I had stopped seeing us as individuals but more as a unit, like those celebrities with combined names, “Brangelina.” We stopped having meaningful conversations, and the topics we spoke about all ended up being the same, “hey, how was your day?” Like I didn’t already know what he had been doing all day. But, we were always together, so that must mean we were still close, right? As it turns out, just being near someone, doesn’t mean you’re actually interacting with them. Nothing had really changed about our relationship, and yet it was completely different. We were still doing the same things, going out to dinner downtown, going to the movies, holding hands, kissing, and yet none of those things held the same meaning anymore. We did all those things out of routine and no longer out of desire to spend meaningful quality time with one another. We even acknowledged this at one point in time, but we didn’t think much of it, after all, we were so close. We couldn’t possibly be falling apart.
One day, while browsing the Huffington Post, my favorite news source, I stumbled upon a blog by Dr. Lisa Firestone. This blog discussed something called a fantasy bond, which is, in essence, when two people have an illusion of connection but who are no longer truly in love. I knew, right then and there, my boyfriend and I were in a fantasy bond; we were no longer really in love. My world shattered. After this revelation, I did everything in my power to try to get our relationship back on track. We struggled with it for months, we even broke up and got back together in the process, but all that effort was in vain. Our relationship had fallen victim to the fantasy bond, and we only had ourselves to blame. It was over. When we broke up he admitted he just didn’t love me anymore. That hurt, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as knowing that I played my part in getting to that point. I had unknowingly actively engaged in turning our relationship into a fantasy bond.
It has been a few months now since our break up, and I’m finally getting back on my feet. I have hope that one day I’ll find someone I can have a healthy relationship with, because now, I know how to keep my next relationship from turning into a fantasy bond. The various resources I have found online from PsychAlive, Dr. Lisa Firestone, and Dr. Robert Firestone have changed my life for the better. Just don’t let your relationships fall apart the way mine did; you’ll end up regretting it.
This video, featuring exclusive interview clips with Dr. Lisa Firestone and Dr. Robert Firestone, will give you a brief understanding of what it means to be in a Fantasy Bond and how to identify if you suffer from a Fantasy Bond in your own intimate relationship.
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