Why Am I Still Single? 8 Reasons People Often Stay Single
Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life. Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible. The point of this article isn’t to stereotype all single women or men or to put anyone in a box. However, for people, particularly those over 30, who are looking for answers to the puzzling question “why am I still single?”, here are some unconventional answers that lie within.
When it comes to dating and relationships, it’s hard not to feel that you are a victim. After all, others can be cruel; you will get hurt, and no, it isn’t always your fault. But the reality is that we hold more power over our romantic destiny than we often think. To a great degree, we create the world we live in, although we are rarely conscious of this process. We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives. We benefit from focusing on what we can control and not what we can’t. We can become aware of the myriad of ways we influence the reactions we get from others, even the negative reactions. So, the question for the single person looking for love is: what are the internal challenges I need to face?
1) Defenses
Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and becoming defended. This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods, when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.
If, for example, you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you may grow up feeling distrusting of affection. You may feel suspicious of people who show “too much” interest in you and instead, you seek out relationships that recreate dynamics from your past. You may then choose a partner who is aloof or distant. It isn’t always easy to see when we have our defenses up. As a result, we tend to blame our singleness on external forces and fail to recognize that we aren’t as open as we think.
2) Unhealthy Attractions
When we act on our defenses, we tend to choose less-than-ideal relationship partners. We may establish an unsatisfying relationship by selecting a person who isn’t emotionally available. Because this process is largely unconscious, we often blame our partner for the relationship’s failed outcome. We tend to feel devastated or hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern.
Why do we do this? The reasons are complex and often based on our own embedded fears of intimacy. Many people have an unconscious motivation to seek out relationships that reinforce critical thoughts they have long had toward themselves and replay negative aspects of their childhoods. These may be unpleasant, but breaking with old patterns can cause us a great deal of anxiety and discomfort and make us feel strangely alien and alone in a more loving environment.
Our fears of parting with the image we developed of ourselves early on and starting to see ourselves in a more positive light paradoxically make us feel uneasy and may trigger self-attacking thoughts like, “Who do you think you are? You’re not that great.” These fears may cause us to hold on to relationships without potential or to feel attracted to people who aren’t really available, because they reinforce our negative image of ourselves, which feels more comfortable and familiar, albeit painful.
In this Webinar: Being single can be circumstantial. A lot of people don’t want a relationship or just haven’t found the right person…
3) Fear of Intimacy
As my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, wrote in his article “You Don’t Want What You Say You Want,” “Most of us profess that we want to find a loving partner, but the experience of real love disrupts fantasies of love that have served as a survival mechanism since early childhood… Pushing away and punishing the beloved acts to preserve one’s negative self-image and reduces anxiety.”
Our fears surrounding intimacy may manifest as concerns over someone “liking us too much,” an understandably irrational reason not to date a person. Or we may punish the other person by being critical, even engaging in nasty behavior, essentially making sure we don’t get the loving responses we say we want. The reality is that most people can only tolerate a certain amount of closeness. We are defended about letting someone else in. In effect, on a deeper level, we don’t necessarily want the love we say we want.
4) Pickiness
Our own defenses often leave us feeling pickier and more judgmental. This is particularly true after we’ve had bad experiences, where we were deceived or rejected by a person for whom we had strong feelings. Many women start to have thoughts like, “There are no decent men out there” or “All the good ones are taken.” Men may have thoughts like, “You can’t trust a women” or “Women are all out to take advantage of you.” We may have unrealistic expectations for a partner or pinpoint weaknesses from the moment we meet someone. When viewing the world from critical or distrusting eyes, we tend to write off a range of potential partners before even giving them a chance. We think of dating certain people as “settling” without ever seeing how that person could make us happy in the long-term.
A friend of mine felt closed off to a man who pursued her for more than a year. Although she saw him as kind, funny and smart, she convinced herself that he was “too into her.” She said he was too needy and was sure he would wind up getting hurt by her. She often stated that she just wasn’t attracted to him. The men she was drawn to instead tended to be unreliable and emotionally distant. At her friends’ insistence, she finally agreed to go on a date with the man who’d been pursuing her. What she found, to her surprise, was a high-level relationship choice, a partner with whom she shared a great deal of mutual interest, and, ultimately, genuine love.
What hers and so many similar stories show us is that when we think we are “settling” for someone, we may not be settling at all. We may actually find ourselves in a relationship that is so much more rewarding than those we have experienced. Ironically, initially we tend not to trust the people who really like us, but when we give them a chance, we find that we’ve chosen someone who values us for who we really are, someone who can really make us happy.
5) Low Self-Esteem
So many people I’ve spoken to have expressed the same sentiment. They believe they want a fulfilling relationship more than anything, but they believe even more firmly that no one worthwhile would be interested in them. We all possess “critical inner voices” that tell us we are too fat, too ugly, too old or too different. When we listen to these “voices,” we engage in behaviors that push people away. When we remain single, it is not for the reasons that we’re telling ourselves. Our lack of confidence leaves us giving off signals of not being open, creating a catch 22 in the realm of dating. Many people even have trouble leaving the house when they’re really down on themselves, let alone pursuing situations where they are likely to meet potential partners. Some struggle to make eye contact or are reluctant to scan the room for who they might be attracted to. When they are drawn to someone, they may fail to pursue their strongest attractions for lack of self-esteem.
6) Fear of Competition
A lack of self-esteem often leads to fears of competing. It’s easy to put ourselves down in relation to others, especially when it comes to dating. When we meet someone we like, it’s all too easy to think, “He/she could do better.” When we see that someone else is interested in the person we like, we may be quick to back away. We may feel unwilling to compete, particularly as we get older, and we start to have self-attacks like “Your time has passed, you’re too old for this.” Our fears of competition can lead us to avoid putting ourselves out there. We may be afraid of looking like a fool or of not being chosen. We may even have fears about winning the competition, thinking we will “hurt the other person’s feelings” or that our success will result in aggression from the loser. The simple truth is: dating is competitive. It is scary to take a chance and go for what we want and compete, but when we do, we most often find it is well worth it to face our fears. We end up with a stronger sense of self, and we increase our chances of creating a relationship with the partner we really desire.
7) Isolation and Routine
With age, people tend to retreat further and further into their comfort zones. Modern women are more and more successful, accomplished and self-sufficient, which are all extremely positive developments. Yet as both men and women get more comfortable, be it financially or practically, it is also easier for them to form a bubble from which it is difficult to emerge. It can feel harder to take risks or put themselves out there. After a long day’s work, many of us may feel more like putting on pajamas and crawling into bed than going out into the uncertain and anxiety-provoking world of meeting people.
The encouragement we feel to stay home or stay safe often comes from our critical inner voice. This inner coach offers self-soothing words, “Just stay in tonight and relax. You’re fine on your own. Have a glass of wine. Watch that show you like.” The problem with this voice is that it later turns on you with thoughts like, “What a loser you are, home alone again. You’ll be lonely the rest of your life. You’re not getting any younger! No one will be attracted to you.” Many of the activities we use to “comfort” ourselves actually make us feel bad in the end, as they result in us avoiding pursuing what we really want in life. It’s important to resist falling into a comfort zone and to repeatedly challenge the influence of our critical inner voice. We should take action and make an effort to get out into the world, smile, make eye contact and let friends know we are looking for someone. We should try new activities and even try dating diverse people as a means to discover new parts of ourselves and what makes us happy.
8) Rule-making
As years pass, we often develop rulebooks for ourselves regarding dating. In effect, we put what we have learned “down on paper,” but what looks good on paper doesn’t always work in real life. When we act on rules based on our past, we can create a perpetual cycle of disappointing relationships. A woman I know once dated someone with whom she had amazing chemistry. When it didn’t work out, she decided to stop looking for a guy she felt a strong connection with or attraction to. Instead, she made “reasonable” choices, and as a result, she found far less satisfying relationships.
It’s important not to make fixed rules or to buy into other people’s rules when it comes to dating.
Staying open is one of the most important things we can do when looking for a loving partner. Yes, we might get hurt but when we stop taking risks, we reduce our chances of meeting someone we could really have a future with. Relationship rules tend to go hand-in-hand with game-playing. They can lead us to act with less sincerity and authenticity, to close ourselves off from how we feel. On the other hand, staying open and honest will lead us to find a much more authentic and substantial relationship.
Seeking love isn’t an easy quest, but it’s always best to take this journey on our own side. It’s important to fight the patterns inside us that hold us back from getting what we want. We can’t shield ourselves from the world or keep ourselves from getting hurt. We all carry flaws, and these vulnerabilities are especially apparent when getting close to one another. Thus, achieving intimacy is a brave battle, but it is one well-worth fighting for, each and every day, both within ourselves and, ultimately, within our relationships.
About the Author
You do realize that in this article, early on you say people should not worry about “settling” and should date someone nice but for whom they feel no attraction, and then you later say that people should keep their standards up and look for a relationship they can be passionate about, and be careful not to settle.
Can you see how this might be confusing?
Some people stay single because they want to. Some stay single because they want their undivided attention on something other than a relationship. Some stay single becasue they are forced to care for a sick parent. Some stay single to pursue higher education or jobs that will prevent them from focusing on a relationship. Some stay single because of devotion to God. There’s not really anything on your list that is positive. And seeing as though the divorce rate keeps climbing, I believe it’s close to 56 percent. You are better off taking your time or making sure it’s what you want rather than jumping into a relationship so others don’t think you are weird.
Erin,
I couldn’t stay away from replying to you because you made some statements that I had thoughts on.
(Some people stay single because they want to.) – But why do they WANT to? There is always an underlying reason.
(Some stay single because they want their undivided attention on something other than a relationship.) – Like what, for example?
(Some stay single becasue they are forced to care for a sick parent.) – That depends on the circumstances. In my culture ( in an European country), families take care of each other even when married or in a relationship. They do it TOGETHER to preserve and bring love and unity to the family and community. If a man does not understand that, then there would be no men. My point- there ARE men out there who would be understanding enough that you care for your sick parent, and may love and appreciate you even more for doing so.
(Some stay single to pursue higher education or jobs that will prevent them from focusing on a relationship.) – I couldn’t help but bring up Abraham Maslow’s hiearchy. As he noted, you can’t fulfill the top of the pyramid (education is part of it) without fulfilling the bottom of the pyramid (Love, self-esteem, effection, belonging, etc…). What happens when you have a job and then find out you’re missing being loved? It could mean your job will still be there and probably even better performed when you have someone there who gives you much needed support.
(Some stay single because of devotion to God.) – Not one single holy book of God’s word does it say NOT to pursue a partner and build a loving relationship and/or family. Not a single one. Being devoted to God also means submitting to him and his teachings.
(There’s not really anything on your list that is positive.) – You’re entitled to your opinion. I believe it’s positive.
(You are better off taking your time or making sure it’s what you want rather than jumping into a relationship so others don’t think you are weird.) I couldn’t have said it better! 🙂 Take your time, but don’t be scared. But no— having a loving relationship means loving, but weird. If people think that about you, perhaps they need to read the advice columns here.
Meant to write, *not weird, on the couple of sentences.
An excellent article. Thank you for your insight. I will make use of it.
I look after an aged parent; my mum.
What women wants go out with a guy who looks after and lives with his mum?!
I lived 14 years away from my mum and when circumstances forced me to go back and look after I intended it would be for about 2 years however circumstances for varies reasons made feel obliged to stay. I certainly did not want to!
Also my parents divorced when I was 24 . My father remarried and divorced again my brother married a divorcee and divorced.
All this made me apprehensive towards women and became highly selective… In the process have become convinced would rather be single than live with someone who didn’t have the same values interests outlook on life let alone personality and physical attraction.
My best female friend at the moment is my dog.
She’s adventuress loves to explore cute funny and doesn’t know how to access my bank account.
This article describes me so perfectly it’s a bit scary. I did not know all this about myself but it makes so much sense, and I feel empowered with the knowledge. However, now what? I need part II. I’m currenlty in the isolation and routine stage, the comfort zone. And I’m 50. I want a do over! With this knowledge and a 20, 25 or even 30- year-old person’s options, I could have really changed my life, maybe gotten married and had some kids. Now, not many available men my age, in these neck of the woods, who are interested in someone my age, and the kids are a long gone dream. I’m okay. But, sigh, what could have been. (I learned more about myself from this one article than countless sessions from a couple of unhelpful therapists.)
I’m so glad you found this article empowering, Yvette! “Now what?” is a good question You might want to consider taking Dr. Firestone’s eCourse on Creating Your Ideal Relationship, which begins in a couple weeks. Dr. Firestone is going to expand on a lot of the ideas she mentions in this article.
Love is ageless Yvette. I know a ton of people in relationships who aren’t even happy let alone fulfilled. Be careful what you wish for and passionate about what you already possess and you will shine for all to witness! Be well and never give up!
Again a big heap of cultural do’s and don’ts. No real original thought here and it seems more like propaganda for mon-hog-ami!
I became a part of that bunch too. I am 34 male and still thinking 🙂
I like to share my experiences with other readers too. For me, I t was ……
01. Fear for even a slight criticism. I did many different jobs due to the same reason. Because I was not able to bear it. A single word, Look, Reaction makes me run away and it makes a disaster for me and my employer too. I am very innovative and yes… very smart employee and they all knew it.
02. Demanding unlimited love and affection. Though i know its very bad idea. Love cannot be earned. I am very affectionate and there’s no limits. It doesn’t means every women has the same capacity to love.
03. Being romantic. Of cause romantic people tend to break easily once they feel and see other person is not romantic as he is. Diplomacy works better than romance. Romantic men are very sharp and sensitive from inside despite of how they look logical and smart when they walk alone in the street.
04. Sex. If you are too enthusiastic and imaginative, be careful as your mind is fertile. It means the ideas you process in your wet fertile mind may crazy for your dry minded partner who don’t understand any. No matter how much you love her.
If you are a knowledge seeker, you can read the book “Key of life” by Prash Trivedi. For a beginner, it may be too advanced. But its worth reading.
Thanks !
(Some stay single because they want their undivided attention on something other than a relationship.) – Like what, for example?
in my case, my studies. i can relate much to this statement because i experienced having a relationship while studying, the emotional stress took a toll on me and affected my studies, i’m a very emotional and sensitive person, so ending that relationship and and taking control over my priorities, in my case, finishing up my architecture course helped me a lot, and yeah i’m an architect now and still single, but why am i still single? that would be a different story now.
Nicely worded. I agree.
I am 36 and never had a girlfriend. (No. I am not gay) Just the thought of finding someone, to settle down, to have a family never crosses my mind.
I’ve always been a loner. I don’t play with class mates when I was young. I don’t keep in touch with friends, colleagues outside work. I never see a need to.
The world doesn’t get to decide what make me happy. I don’t need to be with someone to be happy.
I am a single because I choose to be. I am alone but I am not lonely.
I want to remain single because i have been cheated plus i am a religious guy.. And nowadays no girl is religious , they are just immature who love to booze and sleeping around before marriage. And i am virgin and celibate.
i am single because my top priotity is my career….
And for some people love means something else, like their career, and till the end they are just happy that way.
But these people really don’t wonder about such topics and probably won’t read this article. Lol.
Is this content copied from here or they copied from your site ?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201311/8-reasons-you-might-still-be-single
Dr. Firestone’s articles are often published on both Psychology Today and PsychAlive.
I’m numbers 2, 3, and 4. So what now? This isn’t the first time to read/identify my fears and actions. The question is what can I do to change and how?
Well i certainly do blame God for my singleness, and i never asked for God to put me on this rotten earth to begin with. Loneliness is no fun at all, and when your friends are settled down with their own life which makes it worse for us. I was married at one time which i was a very good loving and caring husband, and it wasn’t good enough for her. Hard to meet a good woman again for many of us men that really hate being alone and single, especially since there aren’t that many good women out there nowadays.
I’m 27 and this is so me !!! I have a guy who is pursuing me from 6 years !!! And a guy I know from a year who I have a huge crush (love??? Too scary even to admit) … but he might be dating someone , we also have electrifying chemistry !!!
Oh and my best friend of ten years and me are very attached to each other in a way that resulted in our breakups with our respective partners few years ago. …. we also had a fling after that for few months and decided we are better off friends. ….
I must be a case study. … !! Sigh. …. after all this mess all I want to do is to stay home and relax , focus on my job , travel and hang out with friends. …. relationship is a crazy scary thing. ..
my age is too old for being in a relationship, i believe you can easily date only when you age group have a big dating pool, and it depends the country where you come from. Where i live people around their late thirties and their early forties are already settled or married, separated or divorced , ( i don’t like seperated or divorced for a relationship sorry, i think you have to be a fool to accept them imo), so it’s also not easy to get a good friend because they are all taken by husbands, let alone a husband. you can give me an advice to travel, but i have no friends to travel with, it’s not good to go out alone, most people only give you attention if they see you in a peer group or with two or more friends…. however my parents are also against travelling. they get mad if i tell them i’m going somewhere. also i don’t go out muh and if you don’t go out again your chances of meeting someone is far more restricted than anyone who goes out during events or with friends. Yes i go out because i have to go out to work, i meet different people in that area because i work as a tax collector and a cashier. still i believe i’ts not enough although some of my colleagues met their significant other at their job, just like my friend T (only her name initial)she has two sons. i am constantly bothered why i am chiildless and i said i like pets, and i am constantly ‘interviewed’ like paparazzi about my s.. life or why i am childless… it makes me sad others commented ‘being sad and lonellly ‘ about singles, and that’s they are being asked all the time why ? it’s like having a cancer in society…it makes me singled out, although i’m the only single there..i tell them that the right person hasn’t come yet, and i get answers’ ‘then how long is he going to take’ ..it’s so stupid having to answer all that stuff, however this is not being asked to my colleagues. if people do not come to ask you some stupid questions your life would be great but unfortunately wwe people get all these questions an 9 hours having to listen to them is no joke… it’s not my fault i am single, it happened to be like that, when i was a teenager and at school /college i had friends, and i used to go out wit my best friend and hanged out with her during late evenings until she found her man, then i decieded to join a youthfellowship, found friends did the same, but found their significant other and you know when they find their mate they leave you…this is the circle of life, people seek friends when they have found their hubby they stop seeing friends….and see only few at my age are still in the ‘friends stage….. i would be happy alone but i would like to have friends to goout to party with…. it’s hard to find at my age that’s the problem. secondly those comments i get from people with family every day are very hurtful.
I have now been alone for 36 years. Why? Because I want to be. I was married before plus in relationships but I much rather cook if I feel like it, eat what and when I want, sit at the computer all day if I want and not have to pry the TV remote from a mans fingers to watch a program that I like! I get the recliner or the couch, I get to sleep in the middle of the bed and I can leave my pajamas on all day if I want. And the best part is not having to listen to anyone soul talking about themselves all day long.
Well there are many of us men out there that really hate being alone and single which does make us the much weaker sex, where as many women will always be the much stronger sex since it really doesn’t bother them at all. I would certainly love to meet a good woman for a companion ship which would be nice, and you don’t have to get married since you can still love each other to be together.
Hi There:
I am a 34 year old single guy. I am East Indian. I think my culture has a lot to do with why I am single. I still talk with an accent, and I’m rather short 5’4″, slightly overweight, slightly balding at the top and wear glasses. I am 34 but many people think I look like I’m 40. I think these physical attributes are huge turnoffs for women and that’s why they are just not attracted to me.
I am particularly attracted to white women (blond hair, blue eyes, or black hair, brown eyes). Also like East Indian/South American (Hispanic)/European and Asian women. I am not attracted to black women unless they have that mulatto look like Zoe Saldana. Sorry, no offense to black women. I guess beauty is skin deep.
I also live in a small town where there are few single women. Many of these single women have children and their boyfriends/husbands have dumped them. To me, a single woman who has children represents extra baggage in a relationship. I’m not sure I would want to be in a relationship with a woman who already as children by another man. I love children but I’d rather them be my own. I guess I am a bit picky on the type of partner I desire. Since I am well educated, I would like a woman who is also well-educated ( university material). To me, children behave and are raised better, when the mother is well educated and emphasizes learning in the home.
I don’t really let all these negative attributes and circumstances get me down and I try to think of all the positive things I have done with my life so far. I have three university degrees and I have a wonderful job that pays me very well. With what I earn, I have been able to travel to many different countries that many of my colleagues have not been able to and I have been thankful to God for everything he has given me. I have also tried to be more proactive and get involved with different things in my community. I’ve joined Toastmasters, I am a member of the Knights of Columbus, I have also joined the local badminton club. I am also planning to join karate and do some boxing and so meet more people in the community that I would not normally meet.
I’ve also tried online dating to no avail. I have sent many messages to at least 50 women and I got two emails back. It seems the women just look at your profile and don’t respond back. I think it is only common courtesy for these women to reply back after you have emailed them. If they are not interested in your profile, they should at least type a one-liner and let you know. Sometimes this really gets me down, I feel frustrated and need to vent to someone. I can’t vent to colleagues at work because they are mostly women and they gossip, the males I work with are all married and they just don’t listen. Also afraid to talk to my parents, as they are a bit judgemental.
I have looked at this article and recognize that perhaps I’m too picky, maybe have low self-esteem and maybe my cultural and personal beliefs are reasons why I am still single. Looking for any further suggestions as I would really like to settle down and be a happily married man in a long term relationship.
This is a very interesting article. I have never been married and my parents are divorced and not the greatest parents ever. However I have had loving experiences with other relatives and relationships and I feel aware enough to reject the unfortunate role models and try to embrace love.
My experience as a middle aged woman is that I am a little burnt out after trying for so long. I hate to say this, but as a beautiful heterosexual female I feel that most of the men my age are so jaded that they are seriously not open to having a relationship. Period.
I am a kind, loving and energetic woman. The men are so full of fear I am rejected as a spinster, too old and so on. I believe this is their projection of their last failed relationship that they have really not resolved. My last relationship was so devastating it is not surprising that anyone would be “cut off” after failing so many times. I never thought I would feel this way myself, but I get so much bad feedback, I can’t see the point of putting myself out there. You cannot believe the unkind things I have heard from grown men. These guys have issues. I have had to end many conversations just to protect myself.
Many of us have been hurt, and some have no feeling whatsoever that they should at least be kind to one another. They really do continue to blame their parents.
As I said, I have 2 difficult parents. I learned from their conduct how I do not want to act. Some people seem to use it as a shield or an excuse for their bad behavior. There is such a stereotype against single middle aged women that have ever been married. These guys really have no interest in claiming their manhood. I am so frightened of going out these days in account of the cruel things men say. They have serious problems. Hate to say it, but I blame the men. Stuck in the past and hostility towards middle aged women is their unresolved issues with another girl or failure to move from the excuse of their dysfunctional family. And if they are seriously interested in remaining single, why could they not at least be cordial to the single ladies. These men have no manners. Why would I go out to get roughed up by ignorant men. I would never say the unkind things I have heard out of the mouths of people in social settings. Whatever their issues or preference, they lack social graces. Kind manners go a very long way to making things move in a positive direction. I have met affluent, educated people without a shred of social grace. These people should really stay at home. Really.
Dear Ms. Anonymous:
I am sorry to hear about your situation with men and I fully empathize with you. Its great you have a support network of relatives who you can talk to, as well, since you have a lukewarm relationship with your parents.
Don’t take it too personal with every middle-aged man your age. Just because the men you have met are rude and inconsiderate, it does not mean that all men are like that. I believe that there is someone out there for you. Just as there is someone out there for me. Just hope, pray and have faith. Never ever give up.
There are two things to consider if you want to be in a relationship, seriously:
1) People you love who do not love you back
2) People you are not crazy about but who love you.
Rather than focusing too much on people who do not return your love, focus on those people who love you, ones you are not too crazy about and ones you would not normally consider. That’s how you will find true happiness. Finding love is like marketing your product in a business. If a man who started a business charged 100 dollars for his product and there were 1 or 2 customers, he would have to lower his price for the product, so he would have more customers. Likewise, you may need to lower your expectations of the ideal man for you.
In reality, there is no ideal man out there. Yes, there are men that look attractive on the outside, but they are rude and obnoxious inside. They marry, later get tired of the woman, then divorce and later find another woman. They appear happy on the outside but they are never really satisfied inside.
Then, there is the overweight middleaged, slightly balding guy. He might not seem physically attractive to you, but he might have a heart of gold, be a true gentleman. You bypass him, yet he makes you laugh. You can easily talk to him. He is not judgemental as some of those attractive guys and he simply adores you. You need to consider him seriously as your future partner because with him you will find happiness for life.
Also you need to get yourself out there. Join clubs where you meet other middle-aged people. Take up a hobby. If 70 and 80 year olds can find love, then so can you. Just never give up.
Hope this helps.
Well i was certainly raised by very good parents, and so many women today were raised by very bad parents. Well most of them were i would say since their parents don’t give a damn what they do now. The good old days were certainly the best since many men and women had to really struggle to make ends meat, so women had no choice since they had to accept their men for who they were when both men and women had no money to begin with which many men and women had to live with their parents. That is a good reason why marriages lasted a very long time, and our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles had very long marriages back then. Today many women are very high maintenance, and very spoiled too since they’re very independent and don’t need a man to survive. Women today won’t settle for less since it is all about money for them which they will never accept a man for himself anymore. So since the times have changed, so have the women which certainly explains why there are so many of us single men today.
then there are people like me who choose not to be in a relationship, because as i have said before relationships are just stress and i dont deal well with stress.
I have the same view but about men. My ex husband alcoholic gambler. My first expartner dumped me for a younger one and left me with his debts to pay.That one truly broke my heart . My second and last ex partner abused me verbally and physically. He stole things from me when leaving. I’m tired There are no decent men so I stopped looking. Feeling lonely? ..very. Risk again? No.
Very True Story. My cousin went to a singles dance with his friend many years ago and saw this girl that he was very attracted to which he said to his friend that someday i will marry her. Well he really did and now they’re starting their 43rd year together with two grown boys which the oldest son is married with his own daughter too, and my cousin is now a grandfather. And God punishes many of us Single men and women that would had certainly wanted the same thing. Go Figure.
One very good reason many middle aged men are cynical and jaded about relationships is the financial ruin that many go through after their partner files for divorce. Roughly three quarters of divorces are initiated by women. After going through it, I just say ‘never again’ over and over to myself. All the loneliness in the world is far more preferable to me than the wreck. I still wear my ring, not as a reminder of the past relationship but rather, as a deterrent. Much to the dismay of most of my friends and family, I have decided that staying single is a far better choice for me.
To the anonymous writer above, divorce court is why many men are rightfully cynical and jaded.
You seem like a good man…like a lot of the good men out there that are still single. I am going to tell you something that most here or anywhere do not want to admit. That is, some people are just not meant to have a partner. It is like the animal kingdom were the alpha animals get the females. Women are driven by a natural desire to be with the alpha males.
Fact of the matter is this…if you are not looking for a plain looking, chubby woman, you are not ever going to get married. Good looking women want “attractive” men. I am not trying to be mean…just stating the truth.
I too am educated, financially set (one blessing from very little dating or women in my life), pleasant personality, and every girls best friend at work. However, I always get turned down on dates from single woman (whether they be from work, grocery store, online, etc) because I am not good looking, somewhat chubby, and balding.
I am 35 and have just about thrown in the towel on ever finding love. I find that single woman my age are even more disgruntled about being single than I am. Most I meet have also given up and prefer to just be single in their comfort zone. I am about there myself. Also, I am less motivated to find someone as I get older because just as I am getting more unattractive with age, so are all the middle aged women. I am just less attracted to them and refuse to be with someone I am not attracted to. So, with that said, I cannot be bitter about the fact that women are not attracted to me. Unfortunately, the pretty ones don’t give me a second look. That is life my friend.
I find comfort in everything else I have accomplished and truly feel that you have to make peace with the situation and focus instead on the positive aspects of your life. I have a lot to be happy about. I am very lucky in many other ways. I thank God for that.
I recently got a boxer (dog) and she is a great companion. She loves me unconditionally, wants to hang out with me, waits by the door for me to come home when I am out of the house, and cannot access my bank account. 🙂
I retire from the military in 4 years, have saved since the age of 16 and have started construction on my dream home. Once retired (@ age 40), I will spend the rest of my life indulging in my hobbies. It would be nice to have a women to share it all with, but I move forward happy…regardless. Move forward. Find your happiness. Focus on the positives.
Dale,
My brother just went through a nasty divorce. As you stated, you are not alone. Stories like yours and my brothers make me feel a bit better about never getting married. Good luck going forward.
I was doing a search “why am I alone?” Reading this article and comments reminded me of why. I find myself going through longer and longer phases of loneliness, terrible loneliness. I have a lot of women friends and do socialize with them during the week, but nights and weekends are reserved for their families (husbands,children and grandchildren). I am kind of their touchstone to another life, the single middle aged woman friend. I passed up marriage for a career that never really materialized. No children although I did want to have children. I don’t want a pity party for myself and my choices. I just want to say to all of you who have been broken or rejected, don’t give up. I was engaged to be married in my 30s and it wasn’t the best match. I should have cut my losses and moved on but we spent years trying to be friends.Why I ask myself? I should have started dating in a serious way, but instead I closed down and really gave up. I am 53 now and I look back and see clearly how I passed up trying and being open to finding a husband and father for the children I wanted and the family life I wanted. I am very alone and no one in my life really knows how alone. My married friends have no clue how difficult it is to date now. I would rather keep my loneliness to myself and fill my time when I am not working with my interests. Just saying, don’t do what I did – don’t give up on love, marriage, family.
I am single because men I meet and date just want sex and are not serious about commitment. No matter where I meet men these days it seems that’s all they want.hard to find a man that wants one women and a serious commitment
I’m still single because im not good enough for anything but hey at least i’m good for something being called rude names to make my friends look good
.Guys, if you are reading this….cut the crap…..once you lose your competitive edge and “manhood”, its over. You shouldn’t want to “settle” and be passive and submissive to a woman……its the world today, not you! Keep doing your thing. Stick behind your beliefs and what you do and believe in yourself. One day, a woman will see that and be attracted to the qualities she sees. If you don’t like yourself and your position, than do something about it. Change your job, work out, get manicures, etc…..heck, whatever. But don’t quit being a “man”. Have some ba**s and stick your chest out. Stop over analyzing why you are single and why you think women don’t like you. Its not they don’t like you….they just don’t like what they see, so CHANGE IT.
Yes I think we have porn to thank for men’s attitude that it’s their god given right to have sex and not give anything back…so tired of men asking for sex all the time….get a life guys! We are human beings first but they don’t seem to get that…
I don’t know if you’re being serious here, but have you at least read the article till the end? Some really attractive and nice men stay single or fail every one of their relationships because of the stuff that was explained here. Sometimes looks are the issue, but not always. As far as I know, I even think self-esteem is more of an issue (working out and stuff as you said can help improve it, but people, me included, should above all learn to love and accempt themselves).
Nobody should be “passive and submissive” in a relationship, so I don’t get why you’re only addressing men here. No offense but you sounded extremely “macho man”.
Many people stay single because they don’t want the responsibility of being in a committed relationship, and just would want the good life since it is much Cheaper that way.
I could do all of the things you say (because I used to) and end up with a superficial, stupid and annoying wife that I have no love for. The reason people are here is not because they could not find a spouse, but because they couldn’t find someone who loved them or loved them back when they made an effort to love someone.
How sad are many of the responses. I had all those excuses (and more) when I was single, and stubborn, and picky and (I thought) happily single. Then I met my now husband and can now study, and work, and care for my family and pets…and go on holidays and with friends and still have a loving comfortable home-life to come home to. My husband shares all that with me, and makes life (and all of the above) infinitely easier. So none of those are valid reasons.If your life becomes more miserable with someone in your life then leave them…but don’t waste time saying you don’t have time for a relationship because you are studying! Someone who truly loves you will wait while you do your homework each night, surely?
There’s another reason I can think of. When faced with the whole “to LTR or not to LTR” thing, one might look at it objectively and just do a simple *cost benefit analysis*. If a person truly believes that a relationship takes way more time, energy and resources that it’s ultimately worth, they might decide to throw in the towel, do their own thing, and have other kinds of relationships with people other than “pair-bond / committed / LTR” type relationships. Other people think they will vanish or self-combust if they are not in a relationship, and will try to be in one no matter what the cost is. Some people might actually be destined to be single, but just don’t know it yet! 😛
This was one of the best articles on this subject I have read in a long time. I found it brilliantly insightful and illuminating. Then, after having read several of the comments written by my fellow readers, I was amazed by the negativity so many “singletons” possess. Seems to me their DEFENSES are on strong, and it reminded me how set in our ways (comfort zones) so many of us are. People feel this peculiar need to defend their choices for being single, for staying single, and, worse yet, they actually seem aggravated because their “reasons” for being single were either not mentioned here or not emphasized enough to their liking. I find this exceptionally ironic for two reasons: 1) This article was not meant to be all-encompassing; that is, it offered only some reasons–eight (8) to be exact–why people OFTEN stay single, making it crystal clear that these reasons do NOT necessarily apply to EVERYONE; and, 2) If some people feel so authentically comfortable and justified and happy with their choices for remaining single, then why did they take the time to seek out this article, read it, and then comment on it? I guess sometimes takin’ our medicine tastes pretty bad, eh? Haha. :))
hmmm its interesting that im a man and i feel the exact same way….although i dont blame porn or generalize a gender like you do. I watch porn once in awhile but i still want to spoil somone with love and affection. I even consider myself attractive too but seems nobody wants commitment these days. My last partner i made clear my feelings. it seemed in my eyes we had chemistry and many things in common that we enjoyed together. and she continually couldnt make up her mind if she wanted to be with me or not( we did have nights of sex randomly, which never led anywhere). Even after sex i tried many sweet gestures to win her over to no avail, i stayed with her when she needed me and tried to make her laugh and happy, always respected her feelings. Then when i finally gave up and stopped trying we met up again 3 months later while she had a new bf that she decided to come out and tell me about, i didnt ask. I said congrats and continued my work. Same night she showed up an hour later to ask if i wanted to makeout after im off work. I looked at her with my broken heart and just walked away saying nothing. She claims to my old friends she had too many booze that night. I really really despise the “i was so drunk excuse.” but yea im very young still only 23 but im scared to ever open up again. Every relationship ve been in was very similiar. Just people taking my love for granted and me getting fed up with it over time.
One thing that makes it impossible for me to date is that I never jump on the chance to have an interaction with a woman. Here’s the thing: nobody needs you. They need somebody, but nobody needs you specifically. You are nobody in the sands of dating possibilities. If you don’t act, somebody else will come along for that person (probably better than you too). So why act? I have this wall that I feel like I need to be perfect in order to date somebody. Because of this, I won’t ever date anyone until I reach that perfection.
I have been in a very similar situation (me being in your shoes) and it really sucks! I understand being scared to open up again. It’s not acceptable how people can use someone else’s feelings.
I just got out of a 12 year marriage. Divorced, 3 kids… it’s been a time of some serious introspection. Now in therapy as an admitted covert narcissist, I can now see how my life has gone the way it has, and why my relationships start off so good but just literally “evaporate” as time goes on, with two people ending up being frustrated roommates. I really tried to change from a serial monogamist (with a few playboy periods in between LTRs of course) to a husband/father role and it ended very badly. Trying to be a husband and parent at the same time put me (and especially her) under a huge amount of stress. My best efforts to be a good husband and father failed – my best accomplishments (I thought) were diminished, and my failings and “annoyances” were apparently extremely huge. My friends don’t see me as being this damaged, but then again, they see me once a month (!) or less frequently and don’t have to live with me daily or try to raise kids with me or plan family activities. So what have I come to conclude? For the foreseeable future I don’t plan on entering into ANY romantic relationship. No friends-with-benefits. No casual sex. No “friends and take it from there”, no official girlfriends and ABSOLUTELY no living with someone. Why? It’s just too taxing on ME and even more so on HER. I’m not a terrible person, but I am a covert narcissist and I avoid living in the real world and have this sort of fantasy world I live in, one with little or no risk and little or no chance of rejection or humiliation. As such, I am a control freak times a million. My life is SO sheltered and scripted, and when people try to be spontaneous or change things I present them with super huge resistance. Foot dragging, procrastinating, whining, complaining. Forget it! Why put people through that?! Why put MYSELF through that?! So – to add to this otherwise exceptional article, I think sometimes people (like me) have mental illness that just makes a relationship too impractical. Let’s face it. Look how hard relatively normal people struggle to work on and maintain their relationships. Can you imagine how hard it is for someone with NPD to please their partners? Can you imagine how someone living with an NPD must feel? I read their accounts online and it just makes me sad – how much sadness and emptiness people with my illness cause others. I may be unwell and obsessed with myself and inwardly focused, but I don’t wake up every morning with the desire to get out of bed and hurt or frustrate a bunch of people! I’m just not relationship material. The last women who showed interest in me was politely rejected. I didn’t go into great detail – I just said that I was still not 100% from my divorce and needed to work on my self more before I could consider a relationship. She was disappointed and I found it very sweet that someone could be interested in a guy left with so little – so little to offer. Little did she know, I was doing her a massive favor! Maybe it’s sad to some that I am “okay” with this limitation (of not wanting romantic relationships) but after the way my relationships have gone, it’s probably better this way. I am just so entrenched in this personality disorder that I may never change at all, or if I do change, not enough to make a good companion for someone. It’s just how it goes sometimes.
I want to make a positive difference in my life and the lives of others. I have to combat my mental illness. Alone. Not within a relationship. Maybe one day a long time from now, but not until I’m more normal. It’s just not fair to my would-be partner if I settle for anything less.
the most important factor in a relationship is money, after all it is the number one reason for divorce, you can not buy love but you can rent it for a while. People that are attractive are easier to love, but once that beauty is gone, good luck. People have a tendency to settle for whatever they think they can get. If those preconceived factors were not prevalent, than there is little chance of a love connection. It is really sad that people have to have a reason to love others. It is called ego. Anyone can love a beautiful person, but I dare someone to love a ugly poor person with a low IQ, this world is fake and so are most of the people in it.
the most important factor in a relationship is money, after all it is the number one reason for divorce, you can not buy love but you can rent it for a while. People that are attractive are easier to love, but once that beauty is gone, good luck. People have a tendency to settle for whatever they think they can get. If those preconceived factors were not prevalent, than there is little chance of a love connection. It is really sad that people have to have a reason to love others. It is called ego. Anyone can love a beautiful person, but I dare someone to love a ugly poor person with a low IQ, this world is fake and so are most of the people in it.
I understand how you feel, Just remember looks are the number one reason people become attracted to each other, next of course is money, so if you have a college degree and a great paying job you will never be lonely again, most women are looking for these factors, in addition go to the gym and get in great shape, all these things will increase your chances of some woman liking you, It is considered a trade off, you get what you want and they get what they want. Hang in there, life is not fair and it is not our fault that god allows some people to be blessed with looks and others to be ugly.
I understand how you feel, Just remember looks are the number one reason people become attracted to each other, next of course is money, so if you have a college degree and a great paying job you will never be lonely again, most women are looking for these factors, in addition go to the gym and get in great shape, all these things will increase your chances of some woman liking you, It is considered a trade off, you get what you want and they get what they want. Hang in there, life is not fair and it is not our fault that god allows some people to be blessed with looks and others to be ugly.
Obviously, you’ve never heard of catholic priests, Nuns, Monks, etc. There are a lot of people who stay single for religious choices.
There are a lot who stay single for personal choices that are valid.
As for me, I stay single because I simply don’t like myself in a relationship. I don’t like making silly choices.I don’t like stress. I don’t like getting distracted and letting other things go in my life. I resent all the men I dated throughout my son’s childhood who wasted my precious time with my child, only to not be very serious about me in the end and yea I may be punishing a few good guys out there for that, but I just got tired of the continuous insincerity and bs. I don’t like putting myself out there for the thousandth time to get body slammed emotionally. Maybe I do have big issues, but if I don’t get into romantic relationships then it’s not that obvious. I function on the job and I come home to my pets and my life. I spend time on occasion with friends and acquaintances, but not romantic ones. I guess I simply used up every bit of my dating energy when I was young and stupid and now I don’t have the energy. I also fear that if I date again I might slide back into that terrible unfulfilling life I had when I was younger, the one where I spent all of my energy on romantic love and none of it on my family and my career and myself. Other than it being kind of lonely I have a good life and I don’t want to rock the boat. I romantic interest would have to start by somehow reassuring me that the person was going to make my life better somehow not upset it.
It could also be that you sound very shallow and contradict yourself with what you want. If you want pretty blonde white women with a university degree, they are not going to want to stay home and make sure the children are well educated at home as you indicated. This is actually 2014 not 1914. This is exactly why I’m single, too much of this.
You contradicted yourself. Are we spoiled and don’t need a man to survive or is it all about the money. Being a woman, it is far from “all about the money” since I make more money than most of the men I meet. My sister in law makes slightly more money than my brother and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever witnessed. Most of the women I know make more money than the men they are in relationships with. We may be guilty of not needing a man to survive, but we aren’t all about the money. Many of us are about all those other things a good man can provide such as support, companionship, physical intimacy, love, loyalty, family. The good ole days you speak of didn’t facilitate happy marriages it just facilitated people staying in miserable situations for financial reasons like my abused Grandmother and her children who only escaped that hell because my grandfather had the decency to die early and then they got hungry instead of abused. She could have married the next suitor so her kids could eat, but she refused to go down that road again. I take great offense to any suggestion that women and their children should be put in that situation again just so some men can have their egos rubbed. Those good ole days weren’t so great for the men either would you really want to be saddled with a woman who hates you and only sleeps with you and stays with you because she has to? It doesn’t sound like a great life for anyone accept Ariel Castro or Warren Jeffs
Exactly.
I found your answer to be one of the most sincere, but self deprecating. Although I don’t have your exact reasons, mine kind of boils down to the same thing. I just do better single and am not that great in relationships. I feel like relationships bring out the crazy in me. Not “leave you 400 texts and climb down your chimney” stalker crazy but just, you know, less balanced, losing your focus, not being yourself crazy.
Well there are many of us men that really hate being Single, especially when we have a very hard time meeting a Good Woman to spend the rest of our life with, and Loneliness is very much a Curse for us too.
I have my reasons, like more tangible but I guess subconsciously there is a bit of this.
Years ago, I moved back home from abroad with my girlfriend at the time, I mean in with my parents, I was a pretty successful dude in my early twenties, was in sales, and I wanted to start my own firm so that’s why I was doing it. Someone decided we would have a credit crunch though about 9 months before I was gonna hit the real big time….she stayed a while, that wasn’t entirely the reason for our breakup, as in she didn’t leave me cos I wasn’t on top any more, but the strain of living here, and all that just messed it up.
Then, I kind of projected all that feeling for her I suppose on to this other chick I used to know, I had previously known her from school
(I wasn’t cool at school and felt I’d changed, but when you do that and try and go back and show everyone how awesome you’ve become, and they don’t wanna see it, you attach meaning to it, and it can destroy the new you as well)
I really started to crush on her which is just not normal for me, and I know what I’m doing, but with this girl I just completely wrecked it, I mean if you can think of a thing to do to put a woman off I did it, I mean really ridiculous stupid stuff lol, and everything I did made it worse, I shouldn’t laugh cos it was actually a pretty tough time…remember I had lost all my resources, lost all opportunity to get them back, and didn’t really know many people here…meanwhile the girl I liked was off at a university town with lots of people, she never had the things I had to lose, and not that she should care but she couldn’t possibly understand the psychological state I was in that made me that crazy.
I got out, became a holiday rep, and oh boy if I wasn’t the best banger who ever walked, I mean really I was putting it round like a maestro, helped me to get over things, so I thought “Hey I’m still cool right, guess I got it back, don’t need this job, I’ll just go home and pull the same stuff”
Wrong.
All the real problems I had were still waiting for me, change the circumstance, change the man…..it works both ways
The bitterness also built about how these people I had known wrote me off.
So I got out again (not before I had sat alone for 2 whole years)
Saved some cash and went travelling, and boom I was off again, banging backpackers, waitresses, receptionists, cleaners, sales women, 1 journalist even, all sorts of chicks, left, right, centre…I could tell you how to do it, I can tell you what to say, I know exactly what is required to get laid, I even wrote a blog on it for a couple years….
So I am doing all this but incredibly, constantly, I mean I could be led in bed next to a woman, but I always thought about the girl from school, you know like the crazy person I am “How can I fix it?” “There must be a way” “You can fix anything” but during all those years of thinking about her, it became more than a hard crush, I’d fallen for her and you know she had probably forgotten I was alive, she was probably glad hahaha, I have to laugh but it’s not funny
I thought and I don’t know what the point of it was supposed to be from thousands of miles away, I thought I will write to her on facebook….immediately the gobshitery started to flow through my typing, why I hit send I will never know. She Skyped me though because of it, during the call this chick I was seeing regularly came by and I had to say goodbye (I don’t lie to people I am actually seeing so I told the girl at my door who I had skyped etc) it was nothing but a weird call, I just made it worse and more daft, I bet you she probably doesn’t think I ever get anyone, I just can’t get her to see what they see, and it bothers me….
Anyway, my travelling days came to an end, and I came home. Economically the world had improved by then, and I managed to secure some bridging finance for some properties for myself, I could afford to rent them to pay the finance, but I was still absolutely too broke to live away from my parents, and I was broke personally even living here, and I mean really, the business was growing, I was buying more property, but cash flow wise, I could be really broke, so I didn’t go out or do anything, you know because sometimes I couldn’t afford my dinner (literally not figuratively)
When you can’t eat, when you lie awake at night worrying about your business, worrying about everything, you forget to care about women, and how you used to advise people on this stuff, and what anyone will think, you forget the whole world and you close your blog down without warning…I’m proud and obviously I would never explain this stuff to anyone I knew…
I realised I couldn’t help anyone who say was in a circumstance without cash or with their parents, they need to change circumstance as I did, sometimes life presents us with things that cannot be fixed with confidence alone.
Anyway I’m still here, still buying houses, still staying home every night, doing a lot better financially now, but I am still at my parents, and nowhere near in a position to live a carefree lifestyle, and I genuinely don’t want to meet anyone now until I am fully sorted. A few times now, a couple of my acquaintances girlfriends have, well one full on propositioned me, and another 2 were just like dodgy, I really wanted/needed to bang em 🙂 but I don’t mess with girls of guys I know, and I don’t cheat on people I am in a relationship with (it’s true I doubt anyone would believe it who knows me apart from the rejected girls in question, I’m not even handsome so I dunno how this happened without my encouragement lol)
You know no matter what anyone thinks about me, I’ve had more women than all them put together and that’s a fact (probably depending who “them” are 🙂 and I will again when I get chance, to be honest I don’t see myself settling down until 40 now, and I make no apologies. It doesn’t matter how anyone defines me, I know what I’ve done and why I’ve done it.
Stupidly, incredibly the chick from school can still cross my mind from time to time, she’s actually the one who could’ve snagged me, which she’d find ridiculous cos she wouldn’t want to, I never called her when I came home…she has a relative who works in a market, I bumped into him at the market one day, we never spoke about her, he’s known me since I was a little kid, knows my family, I could tell he now thinks I am an idiotic lunatic, so she must have slagged me to him.
So not to put too fine a point on it, that’s why I’ve been PROPERLY single for years. But I am gonna come back, bigger, better and one day I’ll be married and loaded with 2.4 kids and we’ll see won’t we, who made the right choices.
Thanks for the article. I think it’s spot on. Gives me something to think about and act upon. Reading some of the comments, it seems like many are in denial …
This is the best articles and all the comments are very interesting… I am a single mother of 17 yrs old boy. Raising my son is an adventure for me, and I guess that’s why I am still single… My son is now in university and a full scholar of our city government…. and here’s my son last Xmas msg … I know I may not be active online, but I am always active at heart to secure your future. Your solitary days will be no more, for tomorrow is safe in my hands. Merry Christmas mommy, love you so much.
Best articles and all comments are very interesting… I am a single mom of 17yrs old boy, raising son is an adventure for me… I guess that’s why I am still single. My son is now in university and a full scholar of our city government … 🙂 man for me is the root of every problem in relationship…. most of them are not contented to one woman, smoker, alcoholics, gambler etc….
It’s really good to know my flaws to overcome it.
I can identify with certain of the points of the article: low self-esteem and a mixed sentiment of a fear of intimacy.
Starting with the latter, in my early 20s, I lived my first, which happened to be a long distance relationship, with somebody. During that time, I was unaware of the other relationships that she was engaged in. Upon returning to the city, I knew that I couldn’t keep a grudge and re-initiated contact. Tragically, I learnt that she had been sexually assaulted over the course of that year.
I was confused, filled with contempt and compassion. I moved away, we met again on other occasions, but a sentiment of mistrust hasn’t been erased. It is important to forgive, but to never forget.
About a decade later, I gave another shot at being in a relationship. We liked each other, but there was no love. I think was expecting too much. In fact she was too intelligent for me on a social and logical level. When my work ran out, I moved again, thinking that I loved her. She asked not to be contacted, but I would have liked to at the least keep a friendship going.
Currently unemployed, I can’t even imagine being in a relationship. I don’t even want to be with myself!
Very good article. Single, 35 years old female, educated and good job. Last boyfriend said he is only going to date “stupid” overweight girls so they would not leave him. As a woman I do not understand this. I am not sure what woman would accept a man being continuously unemployed and doing little about it. I still looked past it and stayed positive. I am shallow and admit it. If I can make time to look good for you, then I feel you can try to look good too. For the men who replied saying they are good guys but think they are unattractive, you can change that. I don’t mind men being overweight, guys should at least shave, trim downstairs, generally have good hygiene and drink water. One reader posted that all the good ones are taken, this is true because those men have lives in order and want to move to the next phase. The remaining ones do nothing to change, look like cavemen, or is a whore.
hey all
some time we dont know what we want and some time we miss what we want and we want like time
like me *
i wish i find my girl i mean my love for ever
good luk 4 all
ciao
Unfortunate, but true.
“If I can make time to look good for you, then I feel you can try to look good too. For the men who replied saying they are good guys but think they are unattractive, you can change that. I don’t mind men being overweight, guys should at least shave, trim downstairs, generally have good hygiene and drink water. One reader posted that all the good ones are taken, this is true because those men have lives in order and want to move to the next phase. The remaining ones do nothing to change, look like cavemen, or is a whore.”
Nobody wants a dictator. I am 34. My problem is that all the women within my age range are either divorced with children, or have children. It is one thing to have preferences, but nobody wants someone telling someone what to do. Drink water? Come on.
Of course I get the weirdos and the garden variety creeps. Like people with staring problems. There is this old saying I learned long time ago, steer clear from the ladies staring at you as they are looking for lust, and unclean. I don’t know if that comes from the Quran or what.
I am destined to be alone, period. People do so much to tick me off on a daily basis, in fact my head would explode if I tried.
Add these to the don’ts
1. Telling the person who you don’t really know too well that you are divorcing someone (we men don’t want to hear that crap)
2. Telling the person about having children. (Seriously, that would make anyone run)
3. Bringing up marriage.
4. STARING
5. Acting desperate.
6. Asking for money
7. Complaining about nonsense
8. Making a real stupid joke.
9. Acting stupid on purpose.
10. Following said person (had this crap happen TWICE)
I’m not single for any of these reasons. I keep trying and failing. I’m never alone and I’ve been with hundreds of women but what I want doesn’t want me and what wants me I don’t want. Lots of sex and lots of dates but nothing solid. I have no idea why. I don’t give up and I continue to try and it’s always the same. ..dates and sex but no relationship. All my friends think I’m a stud and its annoying because they are all married except me. I always got the girls and I still do but can’t keep one to save my life. I wish I could secretly interview all these women to find out why am I always used as the boy toy and never a potential partner. I will never understand this gift that is a curse 🙁
there are to many dateing sites. to much free sex way to many Socialpaths. to many love addits and drug and drinking bar hopping people just looking for some one to use way to many lonely people.. and their is no real love in this day and age we live in. no one wants to take time to get to know any one they jump in telling you their life story and its never a good one..or if you have your own place car job they want to move right in with you very fast and take over your world..well they fell in love with you very fast and I know from it happening to me more than once….fast love leads to fast Hate…so if you can stay single and take care of your self and your family than pls do so for your own sake.. do not throw away what you had to work very hard for on Love…wish I would of known these things when I was younger ; )
All i have to say is, where are the real good old fashioned women like we once had?
Many of you women nowadays just Don’t know how to Commit to just One man anymore and like dating different men all the time, so it is hard for many of us men that are very seriously looking to settle down since most women just like to go out and party all the time.
But what about many of us Single people that really hate to be Alone?, especially when all your friends and family members are all married with their families and we’re still Not. Really sucks doesn’t it? And i am sure a lot of the other men and women out there would certainly agree with me too. Really meeting the right person is very hard nowadays since the Divorce rate is so out of control now, unlike years ago when many men and women did make their marriage work.
why peace who may be minded through god as in so kindness way god has give to us be living in our family so many small kids we born as per the sole of god give the happiness peace and so joy full life we live either we think ,our wife,kids, mother, father is so strong you may be define why you are change the life as per god or as per now you think?
either you don’t trust true relations may be side of god if you not did any dream you are dreamless person only you think about yourselfabout
Nobody in this situation knows what you mean when you say “unrealistic expectations.” It means nothing that we know of, but is probably code for something along the lines of “you might not really have all that much going for you.” Of course no one will tell you that, so you don’t ever KNOW that. I think it’s safe to say if your goal is to date the President of Bolivia or a Victoria’s Secret model, that’s unrealistic. But otherwise, single people have no idea what that phrase means.
Having spent most of my adult life single i know all the difficulties that come with it. But i firmly believe some people are really better off remaining single for their sake and the sake of those they become involved with. I always knew i was self-centered but thought i could change when i got married. I was wrong. 14 years we have been married and we have grown more apart, not closer together. Not long ago during a fight he told me i was the most selfish person he had ever met. That was quite a blow. While he is no picnic basket he does give to others more than i do. I know i have compassion for the less fortunate but never learned to be a very giving person, or at least it would seem. In any relationship you have to give a lot. Make sure you are ready.
No Richard, it takes work on both sides. When one person resents another person the relationship fails… money is only a symptom of what the real reason is… just like cheating, over-spending, lying and abuse… Both people have to make a commit to something greater than themselves and that’s the marriage. One person can’t carry it, it has to be a joint responsibility.
buddy i understand, im in my 50’s look 10 years younger and can’t meet women, its like im invisible im very lonely very depressed and very sad, i cry all the time. woman close to my age don’t even respond to me, i just don’t want to be alone.
You know, it was stated that a bad routine of work and staying in is almost a fault of our own making. My ex lives four states away and only sees our kids every other weekend. I have no interest in bringing a bunch of men around my kids and as a single mother; I am barely able to keep up with work, a household and all the demands of my children.
Does this mean I don’t want a relationship or that I make myself emotionally unavailable? Absolutely not. It means that every other Friday night (if I am not working a 6th or 7th day for the week), I am dying to put my feet up with that glass of wine and put the TV on. Not because I am avoiding intimacy, but more because in those moments, I have no demands put on me. No homework to go over, no dinner to make, no laundry to rotate, no running to whatever sporting/school/social event I have to be Mom’s El Cheapo Taxi for and no worrying over how to pay the bills on my meager salary.
So, I ask this question- where and does a person that is genuinely exhausted meet someone else that has just as much on their plate to share this insanity called life with?
I like the idea of being in love and having a relationship, but the theory is different from reality. Any relationship will go stale in a few months/years. Plus, I dont think I could handle the stress of someone cheating on me, walking on eggshells lest I upset them, having to cook/clean up after someone, neglecting my fitness, not being able to relax in my own home, and many, many more reasons…. I think I am lucky to be divorced. Every time I hear a man talk about his wife/gf, I think to myself, thank god I am single!!!!
WHAT?
I totally understand how u feel. Ive been there. My vice was binge eating. Thats how i coped with all my anxiety and depression. Ive been see o ng a therapist for 3 years, and she has helped me from hell and back twice. Im now making an effort to live a healthy lifestyle mentally, and physically. 1st rule is to be kind to yourself. We are our worst enemy. Start journaling to let your anger out. Now i have less anger d y e to journaling and 2 mile walks everyday. I feel at peace with myself and finally value my life. Hang in there you will get it, just talk to your doctor and be honest towards yourself. I had to let some people know how i felt, it wasnt easy but you will get the courage to eliminate whats toxic in your life
Wow, yeah. I must have been in a real heavy mood the day I wrote that piece! But, the shoe does fit. Life has SO SO SO much less stress when you don’t have to try and balance living with mental health issues (read: trying to stay sane) and all of the demands of a relationship. I find relationships to be very very demanding and I always feel/find that I am neglecting something, somewhere, somehow. This is even when I try to be mindful, and giving and appreciative. Maybe I just don’t get women. Emotional connections are tough for me, and I tend to have a very low “emotional IQ” in that despite studying up on a lot of this stuff, I have almost ZERO intuition when it comes to people’s feelings sometimes. I mean, I try to care and do caring and thoughtful things and “BE” a good person to others. But somehow I just can’t read people very well. I am very cerebral… I even try to *wish* myself to feel more, but I don’t know what that *feels like*.
Anyways, thanks for the reply. Normally when I come out with that stuff people can be rather… judgmental.
It’s true though. Self-depreciating or not, some people are just in rough shape and really should maybe avoid romantic relationships. I know they say “nobody is broken” and “people are not damaged goods”… but I gotta say. I just don’t believe that’s true.
Dude, that’s why they call the mating arena an ARENA! It’s rough out there! And sometimes if we look real closely we might find we have higher expectations for our partners than we do for ourselves! (Not saying you in particular, but a lot of people, a lot of the time.)
Each day that goes by I am stronger being single. I am not alone – I have kids, family, friends… even my ex-wife is a part of my life now, just in a different and limited way. But it’s almost better, because as a husband I could not make her happy no matter how hard I tried. Was she impossible to please? Some say she was pretty demanding and unwilling to compromise… Or was I putting too much effort into the wrong things? Did I just miss the boat entirely? We both have significant commitment and intimacy issues… who’s to say who’s to blame for what? I am going to enjoy this summer, free from what felt like a whole lot of work and frustration only to have an unappreciative audience at the other end of it. It sucks, despite your best efforts, to have an unhappy spouse who one day says “enough”.
So true nicely said, I totally agree.
Why did I read this….
Well for many of us that are still Single, i do feel that God is to blame since many of us Didn’t want to be single which many of us wanted to be married with a family. We’re Not single by choice, that is for sure. And connecting with the right person for us is very Difficult for us right now, especially for us Good men looking for a Good woman to settle down with.
Yep, typical Indian male mentality mindset. You just want a perfect girl (naari) to drop on to your lap without moving a muscle. Dating is not for insecure men. Don’t worry your mom will choose a nice daughter-in-law (bahu) for herself.
There are good women out there. I am one. It’s a real shame I’ve not met a man yet.
I think that some people want to have ralation but dont know about true contact and what say and how say first time
I think am just ugly. My height has also contributed. Men come my way and compliment but it doesn’t get any further. Being lonely isn’t fun guy. If u r a lady and u have someone who’s serious,hold on to them and appreciate. Otherwise some of us wish we had them.
I used to be very successful at dating until I was 26, and after that, everything went downhill quickly.
Today with almost 31 years old, I have been years without dating, except from maybe a date every 9 months, after which the girl usually wants to know nothing about me anymore. My last date was like 6 months ago; it was a girl I had met in a bar, and we went for a drink during the week, and she abruptly escaped the date with a “I have to meet a friend”, only like 1 hour after the date had started.
I’m not exactly sure what happened. Some people say it’s because I’m balding, but I don’t want to think women can be so superficial. Maybe they are right. I don’t know.
In any case, I’m starting to give up, and learning to be on my own.
With so many very high maintenance women out there these days it certainly makes it very hard for us good single men meeting a good decent one today.
I found this really helpful. I am still lost but mostly because i cant tell which or how many of these are the true cause of my problem. I am only 17 and am by no means dying for a relationship but i was begining to think that there may be smothing wrong with me. I have always been a little more observant than other kids and when i was in the first grade and girls where already fighting over guys t date i was disgusted. i came to hate it when people try to flirt with me and i would wait until highschool to date. but now that its not ok to have a guy friend i am just to scared or indifferent for a relationship. I began to think i was aromantic or asexual and that maye i was better off with just friends. but i constantly reminded that i gave up on a fight that i never started and i am more lost than ever. At first i really felt like it didn’t matter i was jsut a highshooler and i didnt need to worry. but i really feel like that’s not true. im awkward now from putting this off for so many years and i think it will only get worse from here on out. and in a self evaluation it seems to be my only real prolbem with myself right now. i am conserned and indifferent all at the same time.
Did you ever find your life buddy?
Lol, all not true there is only one reason – no equity or return on investment.
I’m wealthy in phenomenal shape because all I do is work and workout, I spend time enjoying my life doing what I like.
The problem is most people are selfish and self-entitled. I make things happen, I don’t talk, I do. That’s who I am and I’m not going to sacrificing everything I worked hard for to take care of a lay about with no ambition for the next fifty years, I’m going to fight and push and work my way to the top and enjoy what little time I have living life to the max. In this life you can only count on yourself, start investing in yourself, you shouldn’t need anyone else to be happy. 😛
Hi,
My situation is weird (I read some comments who would agree with me). I’m 29 male – usually woman find me attractive but I also have baby face (“cute”) which I’m totally afraid of now. I’m very comfortable with most of the women and they also find me comfortable to have around. But, nobody shows interest in me the way I wanted – serious relationship! I’m still kind of a punching bag/friendly toy/”boy” to most of them. I don’t understand, Is it that I need to “man up” and behave differently with the one I like OR I should just wait to find the right one?
This article disgusts me.
Let me tell this you sad saps.
To find someone suitable for you, is to find someone who shares the same things as you (not everything, can be a couple of things), wants the same things in life as well.
Relationships is about what you both can give into the relationship (don’t go for 50/50, go 100/100 for each other).
If you are looking for 10 things in a partner, don’t, just find the top 4 or 5 things in a future partner that are more important, and keep your standards not too high or not too too low, remember, you want a best friend, a partner.
For the most part why relationships break, is lack of proper communication (nagging adds stress to partners), lack of common interests and always giving negative energy.
You guy never bother to look in the mirror and say “what can I do better next time?”, but its always the “poor me syndrome”, cut that out, its a massive turn off.
When I find guys, I am looking for common interests, hobbies, views on certain things, something that complements my life and vise versa.
If a great guy that keeps chasing you for a while, just take that chance, you never know who he is under all that 😉
I found my boyfriend on one of two dating sites, I had a few dates on one site after talking to the guys for a while, but there’s nothing there after meeting them.
The other dating site is way better and more details, 5 categories with percent matches etc. one guy i have been talking to on that site , was only interested in me of how much education I had, nothing else, never talked with me for a week and decided to plan a date. but during our text messages, how he talked to me, there was some bad warning signs, trying to impress me just to get sex, so i canceled the date.
The second guy on that same dating site, he was a nerd who was open minded, smart and likes to go on adventures (three things i am looking for in a guy), after a few dates, we learned how much more we have in common and what we want in life, its almost exact 🙂 And today is our third month anniversary and we are already thinking/planning ahead, anyways…
You guys should smarten up and better yourselves to help gain the type of relationship you truly wanted, get a hobby, learn some skills etc.
One more thing, children needs a stay home parent to teach and raise their kids and not strangers, that is why some females are looking for a financially stable men!
Yeah I agree with other comments. But I am single because no guy approaches me , I think it’s because of my skin problems ,maybe they think I have HIV or what I don’t know. yeah I wasn’t ready maybe 2 years ago but now I am in my 30s I am ready to have a partner, ready to have sex ow yeah I’m craving for it,I only had it twice in my life when I was 27 years old,ready to have a child. Sometimes I just sit and think that maybe I will never have a man In my life because I am not attractive,or maybe God wants me to focus on Him .
to me being single was a freeing emotion in my 20’s and 30’s. I always wanted someone to compliment my goals and aspirations. I fall into the category of dating adventagous men. Now in my 40’s am so shocked at the stigma couples form towards singles especially single women in our 40’s. It is amazing that the workforce makes you into someone that must succeed higher than the mom just working to put food on the table or compared to the other single woman whom holds herself as a powerhouse with the boys club. For me being single has been more of a curse than a blessing. Oh and far from ugly just put into the “single” label for many decades of my life. tired of the stigma.
I am 26 years old about to 27 next month and I have found that special someone I do see myself with for the rest of my life. In the beginning we did have something special going but now it has deteriorated due to my lying manipulation and other dumb things I have done to anger her. I’m pretty a average guy make a somewhat decent living to pay for my bills who just happens to enjoy video games and anime. Yeah it is childish on my end but I enjoy being different but at same time I’m trying to just simply stand out and show the world what I can offer as well as my good friend by trying to change everything about myself for the better. I’m not only doing this for myself but for her too. I never really was considered a man’s man nor to be one to have the knowledge to maintain a good relationship. I grew up being bullied not only at school but at home too. By the I mean my parents abused me mentally, emotionally, and financially to the point to where I can’t even get aroused for my possible significant other due to my mother being an “exibitionist” (I’m not even going to go into detail with that because I’m sure what most of you see where I am going. My friend gave me the strength to get away from them for good so I can finally start my adult life. Technically I am single because of the things I have done to hurt my friend and I have to prove to her that I can treat her right. I am in the process of changing my demeanor how I think act and everything so I can prove to her I can be the man she always dreamed of. I’m also doing this for myself too so people can take me seriously. By all means I am not looking for any sympathy or people to coddle me. Seriously my parents did enough of that shit to me which made me what I am right now a little pussy. Point that I making is that no matter what background you have or what you are not you still have the opportunity to change everything so that you can find the one you have been seeking your whole life to love and for you to cherish until you’re dead and gone. I have found that just I need to get better and change.
about to be 27 next month*
I do see myseld being with her for the rest of my life*
Lol this is what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing and once you get to rolling, you trip over yourself.
Many of us are Not single by choice.
I like your comment Dan very true. I think the trouble with many people they want everyone to be the same and sometimes when you don’t subscribe to their opinions they think you are an outsider. I was married for over 40 years and got divorced last year. I now moved and started a new life in a different area. Joined local activities and clubs which I go to most days. My well being and mental health as improved and I feel 20 years younger. You must life your life the way you think fit not everyone wants to subscribe to main-stream views and lifestyles. Good luck with your life good health and happiness.
I think relationships are give and take nothing is easy in life. But a miserable relationship is not good once people feel taken for granted the resentment sets in which is the beginning of a downward spiral. This situation can be just as bad for both men and women.
Well then there are many of us Good men out there that are certainly Not single by choice and wish that we could’ve met a Good woman to settle down with to have a family, and years ago there were much Easier methods for men and women to Connect with one another with the help of many friends and family that would introduce you to someone that would’ve been right for you. Today the times are certainly much different than it was back then, and it definitely was so much more Easier finding love at that time. There are really No good places to go anymore since they had single clubs other than the bar scene without drinking, and they had a lot of church dance for singles too. Well that certainly explains why our parents, grandparent, aunts and uncles had it much easier at the time, and many of them are still together as i speak.
Im in the same boat as you ok.
Choose to divorce based on a man who does not support me doesn’t treat me as a priority, I do everything for him all the way down to cutting his toenails, I pay all the bills buy all the food. Then I find out he has been paying all his adult son bills leaving me to do it all, my situation is I don’t mind helping man who’s down bUT to take what you have and allow a lazy adult to remain that way is an enabler and I find I was allowing him to do it to me , so he has got to go, I would love to be in a relationship but I refuse to continue to be used. I believe in God and I know he has the right person for me not a perfect man but a God fearing one , so I’ll let God do his work if he chose to keep me single I pray he let’s me enjoy it.
Tyson,
God created you and because of that, you have value. To God, you aren’t one speck in a sea of billions. He sees you. Our world today likes to teach us from early childhood that we are a random accident of evolution. It is not true; God created everything. I believe your most critical need is to have a personal relationship with your Creator, who loves you. If you knew how loved you are to God, you wouldn’t see yourself as a piece of sand in the desert, period. The earth is messed up, yeah, but it’s man’s fault–we rebelled against God and are the reason the creation we see today is cursed (although it still tells of an infinitely complex but orderly Creator). I would encourage you to find a Bible online or in print and read Genesis 1-11 (history of the world), Psalm 139, and the book of John–the fourth book of the New Testament. John writes that “the Word” is the Creator who made everything (back in Genesis 1) and then the “the Word became flesh and dwelt among us” (John 1:14) and John was an eyewitness to his earthly life. Rather than destroying our anscestors, Adam and Eve, for good, God made a promise that He would destroy “crush the serpent’s head.” He did this when he came in the flesh, lived a sinless life, died for sinners, was buried, and rose again on the third day, making it possible for men to be forgiven–from Adam down to you and me–through Jesus. Best to you.
Your comment makes no sense at all. Also God doesn’t exist.
I m alone ..
my lover is not loves me …
bucause I m busy my study and then she is not interest to me that I miss her .. do u have any solution plzz reply …
Can someone please explain this? Everyone always says that relationships take two people committing to something greater than themselves… but then people also say, you can’t change yourself for another peraon? That doesn’t make any sense. Because the reality is I’d you find yourself in a serious marriage commitment, including marriage and kids and the whole nine yards… you better damn well bet your last dollar that your life is going to change. As a matter of fact the good guys are the ones who rise to the challenge and become, emphasis on BECOME good fathers and husbands… yet there is this poisonous fear out there shared by women… that if a guy seems too accommodating then he is “weak.” Where on Earth did this come from? And why do women feel so guilty if a man is willing to go out of his way for her? She should feel lucky and happy. Instead she thinks… “oh he is changing himself for me… he must be desperate.” It is all bull.
M…Well,what about Gods timing in your life?He’s the Creator of marriage. I never read in the Bible that true love has a certain age.My one teacher got married at 61.I am 47 still didn’t find the one,live in a small town-do the internet thing now just for talks.And yes,read of so many who got married first time over 50 and older.Is that perhaps His timing?
No ned to go there. We are discussing
and learnng about ourselves. Also jesus loves you.
The number that hit me like a bring was going home watching your show. Not putting yourself out there. I can really see i need to make an effort to put myself out there alot more.
No blaming other things, building the walls. When asked about it i respond, there is to mush there to tear down. Instead i need to be honest with myself and figure it out.
First article that has hit home so hard.
Thank You
Erin : very well put!
If you start wondering if your partner loves you or not, then quit the relationship
Partnering up is about attraction,… fortunate and true, nothing unfortunate about that. Let attraction reign for partnerships.
I hope so for me. And, for you. I will say a prayer about us.
49 divorced after 20 years of marriage. It’s been three years and my husband is remarried. I wanted the divorce. Who knows. I’m dating someone. But, I should be falling in love, and I’m not. Yikes Gods time makes sense.
i am going through this circle, i am 34 now and its not normal in our social context to be single
I am a man, 38 years old, and alone and probably will be alone for whatever the remainder of my days are. I was married for 16 years and with her 18 years. The separation is just over two years and the divorce is just under a year. She held a burning contempt for me for the last ten years as I desperately tried to find a way to make her happy, or at least appeased.
Attempting to form and maintain romantic relationships has never been easy for me. It has always been the realm of heartache, embarassment, and pain that I am no longer able to bear.
It isn’t that I didn’t want someone. It’s just that I am unwanted.
True Said!!
I m single and hadnt a good sence about that,all Human fears had been taged on singles!
You bring up a good point .
Its funny how you hear people say things like “oh all men are dogs”, “oh all women are bitches”
Yet at the end of the day your furry canine friend is the most well-behaved and loyal being on the planet
food for thought!
You can’t interact intellectually with a dog. It’s not the same. My ex was obsessed with her dog. She liked dogs more then people it was a major scapegoat she used to keep herself from dealing with reality and facing problems.
Well dating sites out there make it very tough for us good men looking looking for a good woman to connect with, since many times women will show you what there picture is suppose to look like which it never is. And so many women these days are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very picky as well which makes it very hard meeting a good honest one that could Accept us for who we really are since many women today do Prefer men with a lot of Money. Many of us men Don’t make the kind of money that these Career women are making nowadays which certainly speaks for itself.
I don’t need to date or desperately pursue a relationship to “deal with reality or face problems”
I get my daily dose at work…(small price to pay for sticking with my passion for software)
You know normally I would’ve supplemented that fact with the “prevention is better than cure” argument, but since you made an interesting (and personal) generalization about “reality and problems”, lets explore it further…
In case you haven’t been keeping up with the current events (don’t worry I’m guilty of this too at times) here are some of the “reality and problems” out there in the world in the past, present, and with no foreseeable end or solution…
– poverty/homelessness
– disaster relief
– unemployment rate
– child trafficking/abuse
– corrupt law enforcement
– gun control
– terrorism/war
– drug abuse
– oh and lets not forget about domestic abuse/divorces, in relevance to the original topic
I could go on, but your better off taking an episode plot out of NBC’s Miami Vice for anything else I might have missed…
So back to my point…how in the heck does crying about being single or having a date do anything to face “reality” and all those “problems”?
Feel free to avoid answering that rhetorical question.
I am 29 and a single guy, l am,concerned with myself very close to 30 years of age trying to ask women out but then get no response get rejected, but feel shameful for not finishing my degree earlier than getting a job, by now then l can go and get that lucky girl, but every time l read my news feed on fb my friends are getting engaged and or just got married seeing them holding hands, just makes me jealous, feel l am not good enough or l am to picking, l freaking out. Please help me what a start work part time and study to go out with a girl but l am not working just frustrated with myself.
valbona,
You have mallows hierarchy of needs wrong.
There are several levels, the bottom is safety, food, etc, then it goes up from there. Jobs and education fall into a ring below such self-actualizing activities as love, spirituality, etc. think about it, if you are too worried about paying the bills it’s hard to think about higher things such as self actual using things. That is why a lack of money causes many a break up.
thanks
I am 42 and widowed for almost 4 years by now. I made a choice to not get into relationships for the first couple of years, because I knew I was not going to stay in the middle of nowhere town where we lived, so I haven’t bothered even trying to date until I moved where I wanted to live. Then I tried to re-enter what I mentally refer to as “the meat market”, and it’s not going that well. I have to say that I was more content when I was alone by choice than after I resumed dating and experienced all frustrations which come with being single in your 40s and trying to start a new relationship. I’m even thinking about just staying single by choice for the rest of my life, however long it may be. After all, I’ve been married once, I have one child who’s now a young adult, so maybe that’s all I was meant to do as far as relationships go.
im still single at my 56yrs. i dont know why ,i fell sad sometimes .
especially to simon
you are not the one frustrated here
i am 32 i hardly date a man nt because im too boring but i just dnt like the idea of dating for fun
then recently i dated this doctor who is a divorcee he threw at me a list of questions regarding good wife, parenting..etcwhich my answers he said is brilliant which made me thought i scored with flying colours & he is interested but still he went after the cheecky nurse he broke up with recently.so since men dnt appreciate good sensible women dnt complain if u
are single or being ditched by women all the while .
It’s #5 and #6 for me, like it probably is for a lot of guys that get forgotten by these “relationship” articles because no one wants to write about some loser that is never attractive to the opposite sex. Yet these are the two problems that seem devoid of solutions in this article.
Couldn’t have said it any better. Hit the nail on the head!
Neediness works just they way you described it. The needier the man seems to be, the more he is smitten by the girl/woman. Women like guys who are confident and “cool”. In reality, men who have none of these qualities are usually the most caring, intelligent, reasonable and trustworthy partners. The confident ones get most quality women because they do not really care whom they are dating. When rejected they just move on and on and on…
Personally, I do not really care about getting a 15th replacement of somebody I initially liked. In the past year or so I haven`t really liked anybody anyways. So what, I am ready to spend another year alone watching movies.
Well, that looks so good on paper, and in the psychology textbooks. I think the reasons are accurate. Unfortunately, the solutions listed are oversimplified. Following these “simple steps” isn’t going to do it. The generalities in this article are on the money, but each individual has his/her own psyche and the best solution is a good therapist. This self-help stuff doesn’t work for everybody.
My grandfathers 68 and recently married after 26 years of being alone. Also my father 58 is engaged after 12 years alone.. Point is its never to late to find someone who makes you happy. Honestly I trully feel that people should marry have kids and be at that family point of life in their 40s or later.. But there’s the whole menopause and knees, back, getting older issues. But my main point is most young people these days don’t know what they need from a partner.. They think they know what they want, until it proves to be a false hope. The truth of it all is we need someone we can be patient with for the rest of your life, and they, remain patient with you, it’s love that allows for patience when we are at our worst, love that will hold your tongue when your anger lets it slip, love will convict you on the things you’ve said in the heat of an argument, and love that will keep the passion as the age weathers us all.. Love patience understanding all come with age. I’m 26 and unfortunately single. Women (not all) these days are texting on dates and single mothers hate genuine men like myself because of things done and said by the “father”. Men in many cases are still dogs, they search for pussy and are fulfilled once its found (for a minute) the divorce rate is so high because of men claiming love to get laid, followed by child, marriage, loss of attraction(both physical and mental), degeneration of communication and therefore trust. And finally divorce. After sharing so much and the jading on both sides continue because regardless of all of it they are linked by their child.. They wonder how to open up again.. Hence this article on reasons, fear is the biggest.. Don’t take your time.. Spend it on new friends, if your lucky that one friend who stands to you may share the attraction and from that base you forge a new relationship. I’ve never been married have no kids and I’m searching. But the classic saying still stands. Good friends are hard to find. This articles point, don’t fear getting out there and making them.
I’m 34…feeling lonley at times and been single for 7 years. My ex and I broke up when my daughter was 3. Anyways, you explained exactly how I feel. Thank you
Wtf
This article really hit home for me. I am tired of being single. I miss dating and talking with guys and I really want a relationship. I am lonely, I am consumed with loneliness. And I hate it. I see people and I am so envious of them, envious of the fact that they have someone to be with, they have someone to come home to, someone to love and talk with and share their time with, travel with. I miss all of that. And my last relationship was horrible that I am questioning is love and relationships are really worth it. Is there anyone who is honest and mature enough to be real with me?
I became interested in girls when I was 12 years old. That was when I was in the 7th grade. I would always have fun talking to them in school. I would hang out with them too. When I graduated 8th grade, I went to high school and met a lot of very beautiful hot girls. I would ask some of them if they would want to go out with me or go to dances with me. But unfortunately, they all declined. I was so very hurt by them. It was like, none of them ever found me cute, attractive or good looking. I felt treated and tossed aside like garbage by them. In 1997, I went to another high school. I met someone that I rode to school with. She was very wonderful. In the spring of 1998, we started talking a lot and hanging out a lot too. When the summer approached, her parents would let come over, visit and spend time with her. I would also go swimming in the backyard pool. Her parents were so good to me. But when school started again, her parents didn’t want me to come over anymore. I don’t know why. But it didn’t make any sense. I didn’t know what the reason was. As the years have been passing by after high school, I have been trying so hard to get whet I want. But every time that I tried, I failed miserably. I couldn’t get a very beautiful woman to notice me. I couldn’t get her attention. And I couldn’t even get her to come talk to me or strike up a conversation with me. It’s like I’m completely invisible. And also, it’s like I don’t even exist on this planet. So still, to this day forward, I’m still a virgin. I really hate being a virgin. I don’t deserve being mistreated by very beautiful women. My whole life without a girlfriend or a woman to fall head over hills in love with me, my life is complete crap. I feel that I’m being wronged. All the women say to me that they just want to be friends with me, but I don’t. I can’t be just friends with a woman. I don’t want just a friendship with them. Friendship with a woman to me, is just not good enough. And I’m never going to be just friends with them. Of all the women that I’ve met in my life that now have boyfriends, engaged/married or interested in someone else, I have completely cut off all communication and contact with them. I have unfriended the women that are in relationships with someone else on fb. Me not having a girlfriend, makes me feel unwanted, unimportant and nothing. I feel that they have no sympathy and no compassion for me. I’m sick and tired of being so empty. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m also tired of being a failure to get a woman to fall in love with me. Sometime in the future, I’m going to go on national daytime television in NYC and tell my story.
This article is not just about you as a person, it’s about the other woman/man that you may be attracted to. You stay single because you haven’t met the right woman/man yet. I’ve dated guys who are all the reasons that are mentioned in this article. They say they’re into me, showing interest in me, saying they’ll do anything for me, introduce me to their parents but along the way, when it gets serious I’d get dumped because they either have their defences up cos they’ve been hurt in the past, he had low self esteem because he thought I was out of his league, those are his words, not mine. I was infatuated with a guy but stayed clear from who was emotionally unavailable, I wasn’t even pursuing him, I moved on when he showed me clear signs he was emotionally unavailable, he was also scared of intimacy. I was also interested in another guy who was very picky when he was with a girl, he liked blondes, I’m mixed raced so I was out of the question for him.
So in summary, the reason why some people are single is not because WE are like that, it’s the men or women in our lives that are those things. All we want is a decent human being who’ll support and nurture us through hard and easy times as well, who’ll reciprocate, if they’re not going to do that, what’s the point of everything, chemistry and compatibility is useless.
What about a child? Single parents often find themselves very isolated….hurt, exhausted, without family support….they would like a new relationship but have a lot to deal with and not so much to offer. It’s not always a question of the world is your oyster go out there and look. There are very practical reasons why you can’t or you are limited sometimes. And not every potential partner understands the demands of a single parent or a person who is a carer for an aging parent or perhaps disabled sibling or even a disabled spouse. Life can be very complicated. Sometimes one’s desires for a new partner or date have to be sacrificed to economic and social reality!
“this world is fake and so are most of the people in it.” -Richard
Horribly put. Being attracted to a gorgeous man or woman is not fake at all. “ugly” people live lives where they tell themselves they are happy with their partner as well. That is what is fake. Beauty is beauty. It is not fake to like it. You are confused here. Usually these “ugly people with high IQ” are “ugly” because they are smarter and know there is little value in living a life of material, and invest in what makes them happy- not what they are told makes them happy. That is what the reality is. Not that people are fake.
The “pretty” people are just not thinking for themselves because they go by what is told and not what is thought in their head. That just leads to further seeking of happiness with more materialistic things.
Same with me, although to add that every time I talk to a guy, he immediately wants to rush into a relationship. No guy that I have come across ever want to take his time to get to know me. I’ve tried dating sites, but the conversations stop in 2 or 3 days. I’m a tomboy, so I like a lot of things that guys like: sporting events, concerts, movies. etc. I’m intelligent, and probably have too much common sense in me. I’m not your typical girly girl at all. I’m thinking maybe it’s the way I talk to guys. I’m not trying to impress them. I’m being myself. If I don’t like something, I’ll speak up. If I agree with a guy’s interest in something, I’ll give my opinion. That’s where it stops for this 33 year old.
it’s still not beyond norm^^
I gave up on love in July 2009 when my exboyfriend dumped me and I got that dumped because I was too Catholic for him. I have tried online dating, set ups, but I have come and realized now that I am 30 that true love from the opposite sex doesn’t exist well atleast for me.Most Catholics and Protestants are false Christians, they don’t live by the bible, ignore that Jesus teaches in scripture sex is for marriage only and marriage is between 1 female and 1 male for life. Many people laugh if you tell them premarital sex is a no no, most would never date a virgin, much less a 30 year old one. I am educated, work, workout, weigh under 135 pounds, look young for my age so it is not my looks that turn the opposite sex off. But the fact I model my life after Jesus Christ and I will not sacrafice my salvation, morals, personal beliefs just to make some guy happy. So I know as long as I live a biblically grounded life and continue attending mass, I doubt I will ever get married. The one doesn’t exist, never really had, and never will. I am through the wishing, hoping, and praying phase, even send prayer requests to have other believers pray over my intentions, but clearly Jesus doesn’t want me with anyone and you know what that’s fine cause eternity is forever and souls in heaven don’t have sex anyway, so I Am living a life focused on being heaven bound and I’ll carry the cross of loneliness until the day I see my Saviour face to face.
Many of you geniuses on this comment section try to come up with all the reasons in the world on why you or certain people stay single. The truth is I bet is that you’re just ashamed to admit that you’re too scared to go out there and meet someone who’s right for you for all the reasons covered in this article. Remember, if you met someone out of the blue who you thought wasn’t good enough for ya, you’d reject them as well – you know you would, absolutely. So none of you here are these harmless angels as much as you believe (I used to have the same problem). So go out there, put your ego aside, and meet someone. It doesn’t do you any good sitting here complaining when you’re just like anyone else really. With that being said, if you have a serious problem that you’re not aware of that’s keeping the other gender away from you, it is 100% your fault and not anyone else’s, others are just reacting to a problem you created along the way.
Great!
Not everyone is single by choice…
I feel for everyone who wants to be in a relationship and be with the one who want to live the rest of their life with but aren’t. I used to sabotage my relationships after my divorce in 1996. I got remarried in 2013 to the man of my dreams. Was I lucky? No. It was more than that. I did the necessary work to have him enter my life. I know that if you are open to it, it will happen for you. I can share with you the steps I did to make it happen. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it!
You rock, smart lady 🙂
Very well articulated Bill. You state the truth with no apprehensions. Might I add…I am 48. Have a decent job (19 year firefighter with a major southern city), and yes…I am single. Being from the South…it has been inbred in me to always say ‘yes ma’am’. I am always polite, and consider myself a southern gentleman. I can easily get laid….and usually by a much younger female than myself. However, my expectations are not that I expect a 24 yr old pretty girl to be commited to me. But I find that being quite courteous (and generous with my money), that I can easily find an attractive bed partner. I can never keep them for long however…lol. I suppose I am just too ‘old’ for them. What I have found…is this. Women say…”I just want a nice guy.” I say…”No…what a woman wants…is the asshole guy she likes…to be nice to her.” I would have loved to have continued in the relationship with the 24 year old…but she soon tired of me. My point is…she even stated to me…”I just want to find a nice guy.” So I was nice…got laid…and she promptly dumped me….lol. This also happens with females of my own age. I don’t really understand it…other than the fact…that they must be lying…albeit subconsciously. Again…I will say it…Woman say they want a nice guy….and I say…No…they want the asshole they “love” to be nice to them. Niceness gets me laid….but then poof….they vanish.
To ‘The Key’…you hit the nail on the head…lol. I’ve read just about every comment on here. How very likely it is…most here that complain…have totally dumped someone that was very nice, trustworthy, and loyal. Woman claim they…”just want a ‘nice’ guy”…lol. What they want….is the guy THEY ‘love’ to be ‘nice’ to them. How many of those women have had nice guys falling all over them…only to dump him, because “I just see him as a brother.” Lol. And men too…are guilty of this. I find mostly though…women fall into that category…whereas men can be quite the opposite and just “love ’em and leave ’em”…pigs that we are…lol. But seriously…the truth is…we all want someone nice…most just want the asshole we love to be nice to us.
I don’t think your comment makes any sense in relation to this article.
I’ve just gotten out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. I just turned 33, and as a man-heck, I don’t care, to be perfectly honest, I’m scared. There seems to be a particular pattern-I meet a girl, she likes me, she turns out to be selfish and verbally abusive. I don’t feel as though I can express myself or I ‘have to agree’ with them or else its over. And many times its happened. I’ve learned to keep it all inside but in the end my mind lets out all these feelings in one huge torrent. I have a faint hint of some of my shortcomings…although, I don’t know how to overcome them or what I’m doing wrong with meeting women. I know it’s popular for guys to be tagged as mean, abusive, sex-aholics (sic), but not all of us fit under these categories. I don’t know what to do? Should I seek a specific therapist? I mean I see a pattern as I’ve said and I want to break it. Is it too late for me? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks!!!
But food and shelter needs are BEFORE needs like love in Maslow’s hierarchy. One of the reasons to go to college is so you can get a job that pays well enough to supply your food and shelter needs. Some people without an education have to work multiple jobs to barely scrape by. This leaves them exhausted and lacking time to nurture a relationship as well. At least when someone gets a degree, they may finally have more time for a relationship after getting a job in their field of study.
I don’t believe other people MAKE us happy. I believe we get to know ourselves and figure out what brings us joy. When we get into friendships and relationships, we can then specifically ask for what we need and desire. And, of course, listen to others and give back to them as well. After 35 years on this planet, I’ve learned that is up to me to be proactive in search of my own happiness.
I’ve never liked to term “the one”, because there are actually many imperfect potential “ones” out there. I can sympathize with your frustration. I have heard the same thing from other people who are very devoted to Christ. I myself, have been abstinent for quite some time after my divorce. I think it’s incredibly admirable to keep your virginity. I dealt with hpv and cervical dysplasia and a lot of headaches and heartache for having premarital sex with my ex-husband. He turned out to like having sex with new and different women and being verbally abusive. I could have saved myself some pain had I done what you are doing. At least you know if you do marry, that you will be marrying someone with good values and a strong faith in Christ.
Well if many of us really had a choice, we would’ve been all settled down by now with a family of our own. Especially for many of us Good men still looking today.
Of course it’s normal. We are animals, able to roam free when we can not be honed down one individual for the rest of our lives.
Just wake up!
Well said Erin! I wish the majority would think more like you. It would also cut mental illness in half if people were less pressured to get in to relationships.
This list is awful and vindictive.
This kind of list is what drives single people, like me, insane! This list is vindictive, condescending and manipulative. It’s trying to make single people feel bad about themselves, disregarding the fact about the individual’s circumstances, sexual orientation, and feelings. It’s lists like these that create or contribute towards mental problems for people, because what you are saying in this list is basically you are not normal if you don’t comply to this kind of advice. Whoever wrote this, I would like them to kindly take this list down before you damage anymore people.
Lovely article, and well written.
NOTE: Sometimes life don’t give you a choice, but you only just have to be hopeful.
Al, I think it’s wonderful that you care for your mother. Most women don’t seem to realize that how a man treats his mother reflects on how he will treat them after being married for a while.
God has clearly given me a “No,” when it comes to marriage. At 42 I have lost all interest in men except as friends. I’m sick of dating. Ironically, now that I don’t want them, I have more men pursuing me than ever!
If God had wanted me to marry, he would have sent someone when I was 22 and actually wanted to be married. Now that I’m happy alone and can’t have children, why disrupt my nice life for no good reason? That would be locking the barn door after the horse was dead.
I get social needs met from friends, family of origin, and my church. As for other needs, I wonder if I even have them anymore. And I NEED my space.
Hi friends
Totally agree with the manuscript. I was in bad situation for some while and after I came home I found out I lost my self_steem. I felt empty, worthless, sad, desperate, and dead. I was joblessand single and still am. What can I say! Being lonely really sucks all of your blood and signs of life out of your body. I was even thinking if I could get rid of myself just in my dreams but I said to myself that I am not weak and coward. But my life sucks anyway and I am completely hope/ help less. But I believe God exists if not who could make such a brilliant body system of human through a pile of mud, blood and meat! I do believe God. We are all the pieces of Gods light and his sign. Hope to be happy and free some day ( you and I)
Relationships get in the way of my hobby, I’m now 32 with 3 children miscarried and 3 relationships failed plus hundreds of good and bad dates, after my last relationship failed due to my ex spending for sake of it And I was working 7 days to keep up I left her, I returned to an old hobby now and I love my life so much as I’m making bucket loads of cash and stay single for 2 reasons first off my hobby is gambling and women don’t understand spending such as £20,000 and lose it and second a relationship will get in way of this hobby so I took an oath to what I like doing and decided to remain single till the day I die, I still go out with mates etc but I have the best life ever and I do enjoy it being just me, I’m a good looking guy so I do have to reject women on a regular basis and try explain why haha
They are not saying that there are not people that do stay single for their religion….they’re saying no where in the Bible does it state in order to spread the word of God and Jesus Christ you must remain alone. That is the “Church/Religion” that creates these rules.
I am a girl who is still single I just turned 30 and when I was losing weight the guys acted like I was invisible I was about 6 years younger so that’s not true that guys go for looks I was just meant to be single and I went to parties.
Somebody please help me tell me what I’m doing wrong so I can find a partner and move on with my life I don’t want to end up alone like those old ladies who never got married that have 10 cats.
I have always had a girlfriend since I was 12. I am now 33. However recently we have broken up. Im so deeply depressed about it. So scared that I will end up alone. It drives me crazy. I have always enjoyed having someone there for me and to share all the times together. Now that is gone and its just me. All by myself. I hope I grow stronger and become accustomed to being single. But I do not see this happening any time soon. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I really hope I find love again or at least a life companion to share things with. Being single sux for me. I sometimes wish I was more like some of you guys on here that it doesnt bother. It would make life so much easier.
But ‘loving’ a ‘beautiful’ person is not love anymore, but lust. Same with ‘loving’ someone for money. This is why I don’t bother with people.
I’m not myself married so I can only give you speculation based on the successful relationships I’ve seen as well as my own limited experience being in relationship with… other people. Any healthy relationship requires you to love the other person “warts and all” including the bad. You don’t need to like the same things your partner likes, but you do need to love them by letting them be themselves at times when you can’t join them and spending time doing things with them that aren’t your favorite. I didn’t always enjoy watching rom-coms and musicals with my ex, but it made her happy and I got to spend the time with her. I did need that relationship to be healthy enough for me to honestly have expressed my negative opinions of those things rather than lie through my teeth, but what was needed was the effort. It’s not about changing yourself or changing your partner but learning what to share, what not to share, and what things can be shared that might benefit one or the other of you more while appreciating each others character.
The idea of self-sacrificial giving in action without sacrificing your character or personality is what is key. Yes you will both change during the course of the relationship, but the most important things about a person typically don’t change in my experience, and when the going gets busy with children and the like it becomes even MORE important for couples to take time off to spend together, and all too many people seem to forget that these days.
I agree with you that women today have unrealistic standards for men. Where men typically think, “I could sleep with her.” women are typified as thinking, “I could fix him.” and that just doesn’t fly. As a single guy with a college degree in music with awards with secondary interests and experience in basic construction, physics, literature, philosophy and religion I find myself rather confused that the only women I have ever been able to attract have been… really messed up people. Not that anybody is without their flaws, but I mean serious flaws here and my standards aren’t really all that high.
Can you share the steps you took with me ? I have heard that things happen when we are not looking. How can a person want something but yet not be looking ? Confusing.
EJ
May 12, 2016
I have not been in a serious relationship since 2008. I too took the break up so hard that for the next three years after the break up, I gained like 50 pounds over the break! I did lose the weight after I snapped out of it even though today, I am still a single woman. In today society its hard to meet a nice male friend or companion let alone get into a relationship with someone. I figure God has someone really special that he going to spring into my life one day…hopefully soon!!
I believe that the Ukraine has some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen!! In the dictionary the definition of beautiful should read “Ukranian women”. I have seen photos of women from the Ukraine who are more beautiful than any woman I have ever seen in the US. Actually,I have found my match. She is wonderful and beautiful and has a pretty little girl. We are now working to bring our family together in America. I wish you the best in your search and recommend mlagency.net Good luck in life. Thank you. David
Just too many Career women today that are keeping Good men like us Single since it is all about them.
I’m single because it’s the only way I can preserve my sanity….
I guess you tried confiding in a trusted friend or family member?
Exactly,Erin you are so right.
Thing is, I believe I have like 5 out of these 8 issues. Especially self esteem, and the overflowing of bitterness. I project myself as kind as can be (genuinely chipper at work), but I think my anxiety and self loathing can still be detected. Yet, I don’t know how to get out of it.
It’s so frustrating. It also doesn’t make it feel better when a dating site rejects you too. You’ve been rejected in the real world, and then even a computer generated system doesn’t even accept you, lol. Not like I wrote down I’m some kind of fraud, but maybe it was when they asked why my last relationship ended and then I said I never had been in one. I worried that made it sound pitiable, so I said “hold the violins”, though I meant it in self deflecting humor, maybe it wasn’t that funny to some.
I feel like I’m getting older and older to the point of being too old to ever meet someone. Or too anti self esteem, it just burrows deeper until I have no idea what to do.
Yep..I Agree..if you find someone great..I just am annoyed that those same people acting like something is wrong with me or I’m lying when I say I’m happy being single are the same ones calling “me”whining and complaining about their spouse and sneaking around on them or wanting to cheat emotionally or physically and I just laugh…I’m the crazy one?..Why put yourself through that?…what are you trying to prove?..I always think. It doesn’t mean I don’t desire companionship but why do I have to force myself into a living together relationship??
You said exactly the right thing
Agreed
Some people stay single because they do not attract the opposite sex like myself a man of 48 that has never had a sexual experience or a girlfriend.Let’s be honest if a man is seen as ugly by the opposite sex he has to have something else to offer which always means money or power but if he’s ugly and poor no woman will ever want him so men like me are single not through choice shame this article doesn’t cater for my kind!
This article fits me for the most part….I see myself as being unattractive and unsuccessful….Although I am trying to finish a B.S, I am 36 and the more I live the more I’m convinced that I was just not handed a good card….I deal with a mental illness, learning disability, and I am not attractive…I mean, I must not be because women don’t pay attention to me….But maybe these are false thoughts? but even if they are, they keep me from dating….So what develops? A growing almost hatred of women and people in general…In America you fit in with the heard or die
Just wait till robot wives become cheap and affordable 🙂
Some people are single for years because of unwanted outsiders always melding and pro-shaping their life with out that single person even knowing. Than after years of “no-where” relationships and one night stands and or medical problems, single, is really all their is. Because, those idiot “god playing” controllers with our lives really go all out of their way to constantly make the end of what might of been. Thus, everything because fake, distorted and and that unwanted catagory becomes more of a state of mind and brain washed and scared for life.
I’m 36 now and my first gf was when I was 25 and it lasted for about two months before she returned to Japan after graduation.
I moved to Japan after graduation for work when I was 33. I’ve been to different countries in Latin America and now I am an English teacher in Japan. No matter where I go in the world, it’s the same thing for me with dating. It simply never happens. I’ve been here three years and I don’t even have friends. The language and culture barriers are pretty huge for me. Unfortunately, it’s obviously all my fault. Perhaps if I was born an extrovert, I’d have much better luck with females. Over the years I’ve become overly distant and shut out from the world and for many years now I’m completely shut down. There is absolutely nothing I can do or say to change. I don’t see any possibilities and my confidence level is in the minus. Although I dream of what it would be like to have someone love me for me, I understand that it’s a reach far too distant from my grasp. There’s a pain inside of me that I live with that I can’t even explain. It has grown softer over the years and now I don’t feel it so much anymore. You can say that I’ve grown numb to my own inner pain of the realization that I don’t possess the tools to achieve the affection of another soul. I used to cry myself to sleep many years ago but I’m afraid I’ve run out of tears now that I have none left to spill.
Sometimes I feel like I will forever be alone. I haven’t had a guy ask me for my number or want to get to know me at all. Who I’m interested in, is not interested in me. I’m a kind young woman. Who’s sweet, intelligent,loving, reliable, trustworthy, caring. But flipside i’m critical, picky, demanding, sometimes unknowingly insulting, judgmental, not a good listener( I tend to hear what I want to hear at times) and i’ve been told i’m negative.
Now i’ve told myself stop being so critical! Stop being so judgemental! I realize that won’t work. I can be LESS critical, LESS judgemental. That I can do. I can’t just erase the “bad” of my personality because everything I listed is a part of what makes me who I am.
I will patiently wait for the man who will come into my life. Where we will both love each other and accept the good and bad of each other’s personality.
Hi Allison, you sound like you have read my thoughts, communication is the key, was married for 25 years and the most important thing is to communicate to each other on all topics not just your own. I have felt alone for so long I too feel like I will never meet someone who gets me. (Depression anxiety) don’t help as not many understand thre isolation. Anyway thanks for your notes.
Pete
I hate how society tries to mold people into stereotypes. I love women but I also like having my own space.
Personally, I find it difficult to relate to most people in general. However, I do think there’s someone for everyone and finding the right one is probably better than living on my own but living on my own is infinitely better than living with the wrong one!
If I could find a woman who can stand on her own two feet and wants to be in a relationship not because she needs one, I think it’s work out. 🙂
Hi Al,
I think a decent and kind woman would be fine with it, especially if she likes her own space.
Yes, you are good enough.
I think it’s important to rise above our prejudices and trust our instincts with someone. For instance, I think I’m a very good judge of character. I’m constantly amazed by people who are not but it also means I’m not very open even to those who are worth being with. I guess I need to get over my cynicism. 🙂
Most women are really to Blame for many of us Good men still Single today since they have really Changed over these years when there is No Reason at all to Blame ourselves since it does Take Two To Tangle. And Most of the women that have their Careers now certainly Would Not make a Good Wife at all since it is all about them.
This is a devastating article. I have almost if not all of the problems listed here preventing me from entering into a relationship. And worst of all I seem to be passing these to my child as well. I’m male, 37 and divorced, never had a relationship last more than 3 months except my marriage which lasted 3 years before it became unbearable. Having all those problems I don’t see how I can solve them, even one at a time. I’d rather sit down and wait for someone to come and pull me out, rather than having to stand up and fight the fight that beats me down every time. Even after the divorce I tried dating women and it just doesn’t work for all the above reasons.
If it makes you feel any better, some of us pretty, ambitious, 24yo prefer nice gentlemen who are in their 40s so long as we have things in common, like passion.
I’m currently crushing on one right now (He’s 48, I’m 23. No, he’s certainly not Bill Gates on any account) but he either is emotionally unavailable or he’s not into me…. or maybe doubts I’m available.
I find myself wanting to discuss world events with him or just hear his perspectives on different issues. Heck, even help him in whatever he’s working on. But I don’t want to feel like a bother to him by texting him all the time.
I wish he allowed me to love him.
You forgot one reason… STONE FREE!!!
Need the steps
Someone great is hard to find.
It is about time that someone admitted that looks initially causes someone to be attracted to someone else. When one person first meets another it is impossible for them to be attracted by personality, only looks. If you are ugly like myself, especially as a woman, then you will remain single in spite of wanting to be in a relationship.
I am 38 and single. I’ve been told that I’m a handsome man by more than one woman (and not just Mom:). I was diagnosed with ADD in 6th grade , and I think it wrecked my self-esteem over the years. I ‘ve never had a long term girlfriend, but dated plenty. It usually ends when I get tired of the sex, or just suddenly feel trapped. ….I believe it was a pre-emptive strike to avoid them getting to know me and finding out something they didn’t like about me. Putting up walls and never letting them get to know the innermost “you” .Over the last 3 years, I’ve really hated being single and I want to marry. The thought of growing old alone is weighing heavy…I stopped drinking and have tired to stop the casual sex… I have not a bit of trouble talking to women in bars, but this one pretty woman who goes to my church whom I think is perfect brings out terror in me!!!I have been playing catch-up due to my emotional immaturity..Men , don’t do be coward like me. Ask her out!!
Absolutely TERRIBLE premis: I am sibgke because i WANT to be. I am healthy, well adjusted and better as a single person. I may have times that I date…and when I do I may or may not have sex. I am a confirmed bachelor. A single father of 18 and 10 year olds. Funny how all of the reasons are negative. What about choice?
Thank you Erin
Dude, it seems that you have enough money to buy yourself a wife. You said yourself you are attracted to beautiful ( or at least pretty) women and not mentioned anything about personality so why not travel to Thailand and make someone very rich and buy yourself companion. They tend to be petite and cute and they will be greatful that they can now provide for their family back home when they marry you. Problem solved.
What makes it very sad these days is that i see many attractive women with very less attractive guys which really makes me wonder if they have a very large bank account since many women today will very much take advantage of these guys which they’re without a doubt being used by these women which is a real shame. And yet there are many of us Good Looking Guys that Can’t even find a Good Woman to settle down with.
Exactly true reasons and i really like ur article and appreciate it ……Thank u
I am 21 and still single for childhood breakup, i dont make girlfriend …..please help me how could i make a gf by changing my mind …..
if you guys are so happy being single than what brought you to this article? sounds like you didn’t like a few of your inner truths put in your face.
But not impossible. I’d rather keep my hopes up and look desperate or too “frank” than be closed and pessimistic about the process.
After 14 years of marriage, my ex threw me out because the agency where I worked was downsized. Being in my 50s, it is very hard to find work, I went from being part of a leadership team of an agency of over 200 employees to driving a taxi.
hey man I’m in the same boat, always pick people who aren’t good for me, and they’re subconscious choices. If you found a good therapist let me know what worked for you, it’d be much apreciated.
Let the next chapter begin
I’m a 27 year old female and am in a similar situation. I always pick men who I don’t necessarily find attractive, but who I think are decent, intelligent and hard working individuals. The issue is (and I’ve recently discovered this after another failed live-in relationship of 3 years), I don’t take the time to get to know these individuals as well as I think I know them. Part of that is due to desperation. We finally find someone who we think likes us, we get excited, and we downplay what might otherwise be glaring red flags for other people who, I’m sorry to say, have a degree of self confidence. You must really work to get to know a person (go on several dates, talk to them, introduce them to your friends (and really listen to your friends’ opinions)) before you can commit to anything serious with them. If you find out you don’t fit with that person, it’s no sweat. There are other people out there. It’s better to have wasted a couple months really trying to get to know a person who you think you might want to commit yourself to than to jump into a serious long term relationship to only find out that you’ve just wasted three years of your life.
I don’t know if you wasted years being with the person you were with. As a woman who has been single for years, I understand the idea of just jumping in with the first available (or in some cases, unavailable) person who likes us. That’s normal after spending a large portion of your life being single. Society no longer places emphasis on marriage, yet human nature is burning for partnerships. With many of us seeing less and less options come our way, we’re starting to see that we have to settle or end up alone.
By settling, I mean take someone you’re not attracted to and with whom you have little to nothing in common, but who is mature and ready for a relationship. If everyone was mature, we would accept these situations and stop cheating on our spouses, thinking we can have “more” or “better.” Settle down means just that: Take what you can get within reason, and accept it.
You’re not alone. I’m very pretty and I may as well be invisible too.
I’ve found that people only interact with strangers in certain contexts. If you lack a social group that can fix you up – as most singles do – then you have to consider other options. Most of my friends come from college. You can try a class for something you like, or a singles event (check online to see where they’re held).
Being around a group of people who are open to interacting, such as a class or singles group, and being attractive, laughing, having fun talking and all that – it invites people to come to you and see what you’re about.
But be warned about that “getting out there” advice: Don’t go to a random bar or coffee shop or whatever and think that a stranger will start talking to you. That never happens. Like I said, there has to be a context.
It’s tough for a man looking for a partner easy for a women,they just choose who they want from the men who are interested in them and see how it goes.As a man we don’t get it so easy believe me I’m a 54 year old bachelor so I know. Regards Marty.
Agree.
Love that person for who they are and not what they have.
Be with them through ups and downs in and outs.
If you can live through the bad negative yelling screaming phases and all the disgusting things then you are a true one of a kind person that should not be taken for granted or not lose that person.
There the one that are rare.
I’m 18 and single. I hate it ! I don’t think any one will want to date me because I’m not pretty or good enough.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I dream about having a lover a lot and I get jealous when I see couples out together. It makes me wish every time why am I unloved and unwanted ? She or he is so lucky.
80 percent of the married people I c r fat, ugly; there goes ur theory
Smart men like us use our Brains.
Can you please clarify Wha
t you mean by “where are the real good old fashioned women like we used to have?” And in what age range of women are you speaking of? What is recurrent here, as well as every site’s comment section, and in real life sttements, is that older men really only want young women. I understand it’s a preference, and men aren’t attracted to middle age women, but it still helps explain why middle age women remain single, and older men complain that (young, pretty) women aren’t interested in them (either at all, or just for sex for awhile). Older men exclude older women. Old fashioned traits you say you would like in a woman, do you expect a young woman to have the same values & upbringing that are more often present in women of your own generation? Because younger women, by virtue of coming from young generation, raised by women my age, living in this modern, shallow culture we all live in, are often not going to either be raised in a way to embrace old fashioned attitudes, or they will reject those traits in order to accommodate & adapt modern society living. What some men have said in this forum about women, can be said of you men too: men lament that women aren’t this or that, complain they’re gold diggers, yet men aren’t interested in the very types of women who AREN’T gold diggers, because those women who arent, are “too old and ugly”. You can realistically expect to have your cake and eat it too. Men are very very very picky and idealistic. It is what it is.
As I just replied to another poster, I infer that you’re interested in only young women. Because no men are interested in women my age (50s). “They just choose who they want from the men that are interested” does not apply to middle aged women because men are NOT interested in us. Amongst my female peers, they began losing men’s interest in their 30s. Definitely all by their 40s. Even women who had not had children, so having children wasn’t a reason for men’s disinterest. My case is unusual in that I’m rather beastly unattractive -have been always. Men were not interested in me even when I was in my 20s. It has taken me 30 some years to get to be ok with my station in life. First it was because I had no other option but to accept it (you either live with it or die, and I’m not suicidal lol) but now, I’ve literally become resigned and content being alone. I’ve heard decades worth of women complaining of what their men have done, their children have done. At least I’ve never had to deal with the stress and frustration of spousal abuse, cheating, disrespect, etc or the turmoil that comes with raising children. I’ve got my interests, pets, live how I want, at least I’m not in an emotional position to be hurt by a man. Life dealt me these cards. I am ok finally with my lot. The saying “there’s someone for everybody” is crap. It’s not true. The saying “He’ll come when you aren’t looking” is also crap. I’ve actively looked, mixed with stopping and waiting for that “when you least expect it” opportunity. It doesn’t happen to women who are “beasts”. I put that in quotes because that’s what some men have called me. Along with “troll” and “creature”.
That really sucks 🙁 and it does anger me that women like that give the rest of us who aren’t like that, a bad stereotype. I’ve never had the looks to attract a man, but say I did, your situation is what is repeated by a lot of men. I know women who are divorced and struggling, and are (in my opinion) good “catches” but men they try to date are afraid because they were deflated in spirit, and financially wrecked by their ex wives. You’d think by now that couples would be commonly writing up pre-nups. I don’t know the law on that, how enforceable they are, but it’s just too bad that provisions can’t be made so that bad seeds aren’t sown which have a horrible effect on how the rest of people live their life. Forcing men to not tread again in relationship territory which then leaves women alone because they can’t find men willing to venture into relationships. Everybody loses.
That is very refreshing to see that you own it and have processed it. That takes a lot of self awareness and courage.
Too Manyofusmenhatebeingsingle
There are days I hate being single and days I love it. With that being said I feel the same way you do but towards men. In my case, I strive to be my best, in and out of relationships. I find I do being single better. I personally do not care how much a guy makes. As long as he has a job or career. I can be picky and independent, I don’t view those as negatives. I prefer a man who has a sense of humor, loves his family, has friends, has his own interest, and money. Because I have a huge heart, some men tend to take advantage of that. But after a while I just walk away. No one likes to get used. So dating and finding love have many obstacles. But being honest and open help. Acceptance.
I have grown children and am working on my goals. So I guess my status is a woman who has a low tolerance for bs, some games can be fun (not mind games), and I am happily a work in progress, even at 41.
I wish you luck. Knowing yourself is the only way you can get ahead.
And i will certainly agree with you as well since it is unfortunately a very bad time for finding real love nowadays for many of us especially for many of us good men that just keep meeting the wrong women all the time instead of just one good woman to make us very happy. Good luck to you as well.
Is hard for some ppl, because some ppl scare of rejection, is hard for them do it again..,
We all have a gifts with in us
I’m a 30 year old catholic man and I have similar issues. I was raised the traditional route, “always treat women with respect” “hold the door” “honor and integrity” and of course “sex is for marriage”. And no, this wasn’t some sort of “outdated doctrine” that was imposed on me by my peers as so many in my generation assume. It was a rational choice. I have plenty of reasons why I’m waiting for marriage among them is to garner “trust”… something that seems to be missing in today’s relationships. People are on edge, afraid to commit and afraid to be emotionally vulnerable because they feel like everyone is playing games or using you. If I can show a woman that its HER I’m interested in and not just sex (by waiting until marriage) then I think we are more likely to be open and genuine in a relationship and it’s more likely to succeed. The only issue is it’s very difficult in this day and age to find a woman who is willing to wait or doesn’t have a list of ex lovers. So yes, I understand your frustrations but don’t ever give up on your principles and stay true to yourself! And at least take comfort in knowing you’re not alone!
It is society’s fault as a whole. Parents don’t teach their children anymore about morals and true love. I don’t exactly know why this happens, maybe the technological growth and the consequential harder dayjobs make people more aggressive for financial survival. I’m a 25 year old girl and I’ve noticed a great change of people’s lifestyle, even in my years of life. Ten or twenty years ago life was easier, you could easily find a job. Nowadays is way harder, you have to search a lot and have to have college education and possible extra master degrees in order to beat competition. This survival crisis causes people to become arrogant and “evil” and forget about altruism and love. Children are not taught to love. They are taught to think only of themselves and use other people to meet their needs. Parents also don’t have time to educate their children, we have both men and women working full time jobs, obviously they don’t spend time with kids. This is very sad and our generation is suffering because of this.
Seriously!! Who ever wrote this article together with most psychologists are just born to make people feel bad about themselves!
No one wakes up thinking “how can I mess up my life today?”
People do their best with what they ve got and to overcome their situations; full stop!
And the funny part is the “unconscious” argument. One that is easy to use and is used to justify just about any and cannot be refuted because well it’s “unconscious” and abstract. BS!!
Then there are many of us good single men that really should have been all settled down by now with our own good wife and family since most of us that are still single now never expected this to happen to us in the first place.
who else is single for almost 2 decades?
did you guys ever enjoy your life of being single? well, enjoy life. don’t you worry the right one will come for all the singles 🙂
For some of us, being single is not a choice – it’s a fact of life. I have never had a date in my entire life because every woman I’ve asked has rejected me. I stopped bothering to ask women out at all 5 years ago because enough is enough – it’s crystal clear that rejection is always guaranteed for me. The old adage that there’s someone for everyone is completely false – some of us are doomed to be forever alone.
Its again an article written with mindset/intention biased towards having a partner than being single. Its exactly opposite to convincing yourself to be single. I think the better way to deal with single hood specially in your mid-late 30’s is not to think about it and doing things what you want to do, at a time when you want to do them. If you need sex and dont have partner – go to prostitute, if you need children and dont have wife – adopt someone, if you dont want familuy life – do what you want..etc. The society will always be there to comment on anything you do – the only way to keep yourself satisfied is doing what makes you happy. It is not a race to find someone as a partner – some find it early, some in mid-life, some later, and perhaps some will never find it. This is what life of every living animal on earth is – human beings developed their mind to recognize what is “normal” and ‘abnormal”. Imagine this, if fear of being single is not present, the whole structure of religion, family, economy (developed to provide jobs and feeding family) will collapse. Who will prevent it from collapsing? The ones who believe in it! Basically in our society it is easy to be afraid of being single, and see the advantages of being married if you are single…But try to free your mind, put emotions away for some time, and see a rational picture.
Wow! This response was exactly what I was looking for! I struggle with being single at my age while refusing to accept the choice that I have made. Earning my PhD is simply more important to me than marriage. It’s not a popular choice so I feel so weird for doing this. Thanks for your comment! It makes me feel so much better.
Well unfortunately many of us aren’t single by choice to begin with since many of us were just never meant to find real true love at all. And this is definitely a very different time we live in now since back in the good old days real love was very easy to find with no trouble at all either. And there are many of us that really should’ve been married by now with our own family already. And usually when it comes to dating, most women i would say certainly have it much easier than many of us men do. We live in a world now that is so very horrible unfortunately since most men and women just want the very best of all and will never settle for less either. Well back in the old days which it is very obvious that it wasn’t like this at all since most men and women hardly had any money to begin with since both men and women in those days were very much struggling just to make ends meat to get by. But when it came to finding love which both men and women Accepted one another for who they were at that time since that was the way it use to be which really explains why it was much easier finding love back then. Today it is all about the money since most women will go for the men that have money unfortunately which is very sad how money changes people for the worst of all due to their greed and selfishness that is now everywhere these days. Why can’t men and women just Accept one another for who they are anymore? It is very sad that many women these days are real Golddiggers since money is very important now for so many women these days which makes it very sad. Well this certainly has a lot to do with it as to why so many of us men are still single today as i speak since many of us men Aren’t single by choice to begin with.
yes but still better to be alone then to be in a bad relationship.
true
Yes, God DOES exist. And he loves and believes in you, sweetie.
Please reread the Bible. It does say that it is better not to marry (Paul is saying this) but that if you can’t control yourself, then go ahead and marry than to burn with desire. I can’t remember the book of the New Testament it is in, but a study Bible’s index you will find it.
YES , totally agree Roger , at 59 still single but found better not happier to be alone than being in a few in a few bad relationships I had .
y me que?
I’m 23 years old- all my focus is on my Job, I have no time for relationship and not interested.
God, if he exists, loves me so much that he gave me a congenital hearing impairment. Then he gave me an ugly face so I would find it difficult, if not impossible, to find a partner and would have to suffer endless rejection. Then he gave me a weight problem and a metabolism that makes it impossible for me to lose any weight and somehow, maybe become even a tiny bit attractive to women.
Yep, God loves me alright.
Why should it be the men who have to change? Why not the woman? Why is it always that the woman does the deciding? Why is it that we must meet her standards?
And no, no man should have to change themselves – be “A Man” in order to fit someone’s criteria, especially when the other person isn’t willing to change their own self.
Do you ever hear women being told to “Be a woman!”?
Regardless, it’s not about having to be a man, it’s the fact that men have to do the work in whether they stay single or not.
Sure women have the pressure of having to look pretty and all, but men have the pressure of both looking good and having to do the asking.
Men who don’t approach women stay single. It’s very rare for women to do the approaching.
There is always talk about the lack of equality between men and women, and I agree with a lot of it, but no one ever mentions this. That men have to do the asking and seek approval, and women do the deciding.
I know this doesn’t apply to the whole population, but the vast majority.
If women are comfortable asking men out, then why isn’t it the norm? If they’re not comfortable, then how is that fair to men who aren’t either.
I am pro-equality in all sectors, and this is one that will most probably never change.
Sad society that we live in.
So, I’m pretty late to the party… And a little young. I’m 27, but feel I’m fast approaching that looming age of 30. I’ve been single for about 4 years now and none of those reasons really fit me. I go out and try to meet people almost every weekend. I’ve got that “dad-bod” look that is such a fad this year, a nice trimmed full beard, and women often tell me I look “cute.” But I’m beginning to see that this is a gentle way of saying that I’m attractive…. Just not attractive enough. I dress well, put myself out there, but never get so much as a phone number. It’s always polite refusals and gentle rejections. So, obviously I don’t come off as a “creep” or they’d be more aggressive and shoot me down hard, right? Love just doesn’t find every person. It’s depressing, but a statistical fact. How about an article on how to get used to being alone?
You just described me!!! Please how can I control this, this is exactly me, despite the fact I am becoming successful day by day I always feel like I am not good enough for a relationship. When someone really really like I always find it suffocating but I will start dragging and begging for their attention after when they grew tired of me, I always want to date people that are very far away from me too. Please what should I do to stop this… Thanks
I think this is a horrible negative list, that blaims someone for being single. There could be other reasons, like men aren’t attracted to strong, independent women, or women seek out the bad boys (and so nice guys stay single), or people WANT to stay single, or maybe someone is living in the wrong community and if they move somewhere else this could immediately change for them. Or maybe some people are just blessed with the majority of people being attracted to them , or maybe it’s the person’s age, society judges them, so many things it could be rather than someone’s bitterness, defensiveness, fear of intimacy, etc. which looks like it’s that own person’s fault. Maybe people don’t go looking in the right places, that’s a big one. Maybe their career doesn’t afford them time to look. If this isn’t posted I’ll know there are other comments that critisize this article that weren’t posted.
Well Jesus Christ, this is one heavy, negative article. I couldn’t even make it all the way through. Had to skim read the last half. Talk about pathologising something.
I found this article by Googling something like “will I always be happy single?”, because I am finally single for the first time in my adult life, and I’m so thrilled about it. I’ve never felt more liberated, focused and clear-headed.
I think that some of the points can be true for some people. Perhaps for many people. But, for real – some work needs to be done on the delivery here. What I actually think is harmful is society’s obsession with romantic relationships. In my opinion, it is that pressure and that societal norm that causes people to wonder if there’s something wrong with them for actively wanting to be single for any period of time, or indefinitely.
And isn’t it “defensive”, not “defended”?
I don’t trust this article.
Lisa (author), not of these is meant to attack or offend you. This is just open feedback from someone who landed on this page. You have a responsibility to carefully consider the words you put out into the world, and the impact of them. I hope the feedback you are receiving helps, and that you consider making some edits to your article or posting an updated version.
Many of us Aren’t single by choice, and if we were that very blessed which many of us would’ve been settled down already. Especially for many of us men that never expected this to happen to us unfortunately.
I don’t know why, but for some reason, I feel like I’m one of those people who is going to stay single until the day I die. I don’t mind friends, but a girlfriend is a definite hell no.
I think the most important thing is the difference between “forced to be single” and “to be single with your own will” I don’t want to be single but the situation has made me single 🙁
No doubt the writer would say, “See! You’re single because you have low self esteem.”
Yet her list does nothing to build us up. Just the opposite.
Taking my own time to look for the right dating site, I came across this very intelligent article. I’m ready to date, but I can be a failure at dating, but this article helps. I know to be independent from this. All see says is to have a single persons wealth not a married persons wealth.
Well since the great majority of women nowadays that have their Careers which has certainly made them very high maintenance, and they will never settle for less unfortunately since they really are very picky too which adds to the problem. There are many of us good single men out there that really Don’t care about money, and would just be very happy to meet a good woman that can just Accept us for who we really are. Most of the women are just going for the very rich type of men which makes these type of women very greedy, selfish, spoiled, picky, and very money hungry unfortunately which certainly has a lot to do with it.
Well first of all I’m glad to be here in front of you so I’m going to present my self I’m hssaine I’m 35 years old I’m from Morocco I live in merzouga I’m still single I speak English and Spanish my mother tongue is berber and I wish to speak ebro well
I love this
I just want to be happy again… I am always alone
I’ll be turning 40 in a few months, and I’ve always been single. I’ve never met anyone I was interested in. No one has ever been interested in me. I think for some people, dating is just not meant to be. Being alone now just seems normal to me. But is not normal? Now I’m wondering if something is wrong with me after reading this article.
Not really.
Stop reading psychology books. Sometimes it’s true, sometimes you are too physically ugly to find love.
All i can say is that real love came many years ago since it wasn’t really hard at all to find at that time. Unfortunately it is very hard finding it today since today is a very different story altogether, which it is just too bad that the old days are no longer with us.
Jesus DID ask the apostols to leave their families and follow him!
Hi Ben, are you still teaching in Japan? I’d love to chat about teaching there
I believe that love finds you and it either happens or it doesn’t. Indeed some people are not meant to meet that love of their loves. I’m 33, single for 5 years, I have moved countries, gone on many dates, charming, good-looking, my colleagues are mainly men (majority married/in a relationship) and still nothing…How about that expression ‘A match made in heaven’? There must be something about the higher force that controls our lives…I don’t know anymore
That’s not true you are only exposing yourself to those types of people there are loving people in this world we just hide from the rest of the world
I need help on your thing at the beginning it says people are clearly single because they choose to be, I don’t choose to be. every time I find someone there are either far or too busy talking about all you have to have money I have to have this you have to have that I’m poor I hate how the system works now in days I’ve been used and lied to so many times, that its easy for me to see when someone is lying to me, I had this one girl that I saw her get up at 4 in the morning talking to someone on Whatsapp then at 5 and then at 8 ignoring my messages. then I confront her about it and then she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about that she’s been sleeping the whole time Acuity my I saw what they saw no I wish it took a picture of it because I didn’t. Then she starts getting offensive and telling me that i am playing games making it seem like I’m the one in the wrong I’ve been single for over 16 years and I can never find the right person for me even though I’ve been soul searching for my whole life and I always get used or cheated on. And as I get older my anxiety gets worse and worse. At this point out of feeding the God has sent me to be single forever. And I don’t know what to do anymore I need someone to talk to me i am crying as i am writing this please help!!!!!!!! I cant take it anymore.
That’s a fact
Re: Number 7 (Isolation and Routine)
Realistically, what things are you supposed to do after work or on the weekend to meet people? I mean, there are some meetups and volunteer events, but those with any reasonable turnout are few and far between. It’s not like you can go to happy hour and strike up a conversation with people. Already been there, done that; people these days are very to themselves and not open to that sort of interaction with strangers. I would be happy to go out and try to meet people, but when you get disappointed with the poor turnout (in terms of number, quality, and/or gender ratio of people) or lack of genuine human interaction, it just feels like punishment with no upside, and eventually I just stop.
Also, if you move to a new city for work, it’s pretty difficult to make close “friends” of any sort when everyone else is already busy with their own lives. Also, at least among guys, telling them you’re single and looking is more likely to elicit being looked on as lame/a liability as opposed to getting any assistance. I don’t see anyone trying to play matchmaker these days.
Many people were just very blessed and lucky when they found their loved ones, when so many others like us weren’t that fortunate at all no matter how hard we try.
Some people have love but don’t deserve it while others deserve it but don’t have it. Life is cruel and unfair.
I’ve read several articles like this
But what I have never found is tangible ways of actually putting these recommendations into practice. For example: find and heal your blockages. yeah of course. HOW? If there are blockages most of the time they are unconscious, if they were conscious and evident most of us would have healed them already… no? So yeah I wish I knew what is holding me or making me fearful….
Second thing. What exactly does it mean to be open? to open your heart? I’ve read this millions of times, but it is not as simple as finding a door, the key and open it right? HOW are you “open”? in practical ways…. HOW?
Any ways, it is easy to talk about all this somehow obvious things, but very hard to apply it to every day life.
I am 34 and single I feel alone and like there’s nobody out here too love me I don’t know like I too ugly for women too like me I need to and like u not getting it I tied dating sites and like love isn’t for me or theres nobody out there for me hmmmm it’s hard too live alone with nobody too love u
I went through taking care of a family member and lost my gf because of it. People dont like that. They want everything but that. People said the same thing to me. Its a lie.
Women want relationships.
What do you think men want?
1st Corinthians 1 “Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”
I hate it when people defend Christianity without even reading the bible. If anyone actually read the bible (as I did) they would no longer be Christian (like me)
Well we cannot force it, can we?! They said,the person we’ve been waiting for will come along eventually. I guess we should have to believe in that. It feels lonely being alone sometimes, but hey cheer up!! Probably there is a good reason. I guess!! Don’t lose hope!! Cheer up!
Yea he does loves you….and surely he does….
I love you I would say…
You are not what people say or see you are you….
Hello, I know you wrote this 3 years ago 🙂 But please do share the steps you took that you are so convinced took you to a place of happiness.
Thank you
Damn I am 28 years old and still single. I have even not touch a girl still. :((
It’s not always a choice. You can’t simply choose not to be single. That implies you have options. The sad truth is, many people don’t meet societal standards of attractiveness and find it impossible to meet a partner. Life is not the movies. People get rejected all the time. You may never find someone. In life we can choose all sorts of things. Picking a partner isn’t one of them, or we’d all be with movie stars. It’s about who will accept you and unless you’re in this position you really wouldn’t understand. We don’t just get to live the life we choose. Life chooses us.
Hmmm, Well i am older a just got out an 3 yr relationship that just ended beginning this year an totally the best decision I ever made. Only to say now is I want to date but don’t know if I really should I go to therapy about it due to the pain an hurt but I forgive but I am truly trying to get rid of all negative feelings of my past an when I do get ready to seriously date or marry I will be ready for real love an happiness like I suppose to be. Working on myself so when the right one comes can see the real truth which is me inside an out
I ended a seven year relationship a couple of months ago, so I kinda get it. This thing is not easy. I don’t know where to even begin. I just have to trust the process.
Great article! Exactly the same I’m also dealing with in life. You know it’s very hard for someone who never looked a girl eye to eye, who never talk much. But, being at this age force you to think “Why you are still single”. Why Noone attracted to me? It’s simply because I’ve never worked on myself, my personal growth. Yes! It’s true. Because some fears and comfort zone stopped to do the things which I wanted to do. It’s one of the reason of running away from people specially, woman in life. It’s very hard to find a woman and start a relationship for someone who doesn’t looks good, not rich, not growing. I agree with all of your above reasons. Specially, the fear of intimacy, pickiness and comfort zone. Those voices are continuously killing from inside. You are a looser, you are a failure, you will live single for the rest of your life. Some how I accept the fact that. I’m actually living my life like a looser. I am a failure! No, matter if I change everything in my life to be successful than after that too tough for to start a relationship. Every woman wants hot personality, money, richness and every comfort of the life. I don’t think there are woman who don’t think like this! I am single or maybe I will die single by choice because I can’t handle the breakup things in life.
Dear Ronnie, you are not too old to have family and children, but the time will come very soon when it will be impossible. It seems to me that you have a depression. Please apply to a specialist. Escape my mistakes and be happy
Words taken right out of my mouth! You nailed it. I wish I could have back the time I spent on dead-end dating when my children were little (my husband left me when my little ones were 3 years, 9 and 12). I have spent years working to put them through college and now have nice home and a vacation home. Men I dated wanted me to change my life for them.. of course they didn’t care I was raising my sons, working multiple jobs, finishing post-grad studies. They were looking at my income, homes, family life, profession and how they could move right in and have me help support them. All of them had previous marriages where the wife did not work and they were paying large sums of alimony and child support. I find it amazing how men see professional women as financial assets before considering them as human beings. I’ve had very poor luck dating.. alone is so nice.. no drama, do what you want, make your own decisions, no surprises, put-downs, competition.. (men most certainly don’t like women who make 3x more money than they) .. also .. this is what I have learned.. Men come to hate about you what drew them to you in the first place.
Excellent post.. use your single time to help make the world a better place. I’ve been single since my 30s. I scraped together some money and bought a rain forest in Costa Rica that was under attack by loggers. I created an animal preserve, got my Ph.D. and began a life of my own. It would take quite the man who would want to tromp through a jungle with me. I’ll be retiring in a few years and plan to build a research center for Tropical Frogs on the 60 acre preserve. I’ve been single nearly 30 years, I’ve dated, but with no luck at all. My priority is making the world a better place. As I posted earlier, I have learned that the things that drew men to me initially, my projects, profession, wonderful sons, beautiful homes, financial security was what they came to hate about me. They all wanted me to change, give up what I had built and stay home to cook and clean for them. No gracias.. adios muchacho!
I so agree with this. Many of my friends found wonderful spouses.. they are so happy. I wasn’t fortunate enough to be in that mix.
Sadly being single, in certain circles, is looked down upon as being weak or being a loser. Even if you are doing better financially, socially, educationally etc. you are still considered ‘handicapped’ for your singleness.. especially after years and years of not being married and failed dating. Honestly, I’d rather be dead than to have married many of the men I was dating.. would have ended up in divorce for sure! Never could go past 6 months to a year of dating… just crazy what the men asked for.. insane. Maybe society needs to introduce robot women… then men could ask anything they wanted from them… the heart of a woman doesn’t seem to matter anyway.
Most professional women have their own money.. look for the self-made women. They are not looking for someone to support them. Instead, they would like company, love, attention and security.. things money can’t buy.
Being single and alone has so many disadvantages as well which every time many of us men go out, we really are all alone no matter where we decide to go. Very difficult to eat out in a restaurant by yourself since other people will usually stare at you making it very uncomfortable too. So i will just take my food to go which it does save me a lot of aggravation altogether. And it can be very unhealthy being single and alone all the time since many of us need to be loved just like the married people.
For me i really do not think this is me ,the men i do meet don,t have,,apartments, cars much money they eant to live off me these are the men that approach me ,i recently met a man that lied oh yes they lie and say their single ,they beg me for sex, money ,wanting to move with me they are no men who does thati am so tried of what is going on ,they never have money or car i fo not want anyti7
I have really not had much luck dating. I am a single mum and been single since my pregnancy. Been single for 3years and taking time to focus on my life career etc. But it is so so hard at times
I have really not had much luck dating. I am a single mum and been single since my pregnancy. Been single for 3years and taking time to focus on my life career etc. But it is so so hard at times
Depends on the man.
What happened to the old belief that things will go the right way naturally? Why should I stay in dating life when I have realised that it is not the way to meet up a right person? Yes it is true I’m tired of dating. I’m 40 and have been alone quite a while now but I also do not want to be restless as some of my friends and casually date one after another. No, I feel that since I have already tried Tinder, meeting guys in bars etc. and it has only led to unhealthy realtionships and casual flings and obviously have not worked out, so why would I continue doing that? A long time ago I heard that things just evolve naturally if you let them and I rather believe in that. Or should I not trust my gut of doing the right thing by focusing on myself, growing as a woman even if that means staying home the whole weekend? I believe if it is meant to happen, it will but I shouldnt force it in ant way and while I just mind my own business now I become the woman maybe someone is hoping to meet and the odds for having similar goals and interests are greater when neither one of us is pretending to be something else we are not and is ready for a steady relationship. Dont you agree?
Aww Ronnie it will get better
Maybe some people are just unlovable, unattractive, and wind up alone. Despite efforts. It happens, maybe it won’t bother me one day.
Then again, God does play favorites when so many others were very extremely blessed and lucky when they found love with one another. What about many of us that are still single and alone today which wasn’t even our choice to begin with?
You nailed it.
I’ve been single for 13 years. Everytime i want to fall in love, many of my friend say im desperate. That why i still single until now.
I’m 39, soon to be 40. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve had a few dates. I’ve had rejections, occasionally some interest, but nothing has come of it. I’d always hoped for love, a family, but the longer it goes on the less hope I have. I don’t think I’m bad looking, I did for a little Ng time but I’ve been told I’m not. I am interested in lots of things, music, art etc, and up for trying new activities. I did used to go out alot. Mostly now, I’m just very lonely and sad about it all. I try to interact with guys, but now a days most want to know what’s wrong with me, or assume I’m not interested. I dread get togethers, family friends want to know why I’m single, what’s wrong with me. I guess sometimes you can be single just because love has never happened.
i think some people are meant to be single i have never had a boyfriend and i am attractive it doesnt matter what i do i even lost weight and nothing it never came thru so i now accept it thats just the way it is alot of people are meant to be alone.
It’s not psychological, you just haven’t met someone you click with. Some people don’t know how to be alone so they’re always looking for that sense of companionship to define and guide them. Single people have just always learned to be self sufficient so it’s harder once you become comfortable with being alone, to share space with someone else. In my opinion at least
15 years single here. I am well liked by coworkers and customers. I am not overweight an have been told I am handsome and fun to work with. I am a gay guy working at a Home Depot. In upstate NY. That has no gay community. I don’t have a friend’s really. Well know one I hang out with. I go to work and go home go to work and go home. I don’t drink much anymore (53 years old) today I walked around the mall. Not even a glance. I really think its to late for me. Some days I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. I feel like I am taking up space on this planet. I had 3 days off not to long ago. I went to work and didn’t know I lost my voice. I didn’t talk to anyone how would I know. When I lived in San Diego and Seattle I didn’t have a problem I had a best friend and a relationship. He passed away probably 20 years ago. And 15 years ago I had a relationship that ended and was told that I wasn’t really loved and he took my house. 15 years later no real friends no relationship. And family has all moved away. I think I need professionals. What do you think?
hi,am Albert 20 years old from united states ive been single for quite sometimes i dont know whether it is my personality or if am not good looking,,,am so lonely and this has greatly lowered my self esteem to an extent that i don’t go hang out with my friends i just stay indoors
Where did the “Father” go?
Love is not an emotion. It is something we do. Not something we feel. If you want to find love, find someone who is willing to make an effort at a relationship. Not just being in one, and waiting for some magical feeling to make it perfect. That’s lust and the excitement of getting to know someone new. After that wears off, all you have left is communication and effort. Where there is no communication or effort, there is no love. People are too driven by movie love story and assume that BS is going to really happen in reality. It won’t. Love is work. Constant effort. By both people involved.
look on the brighter side
Albert, It is the women today that have really changed making love very hard to find for so many of us single guys still looking.
Then again, i usually see the very ugly men with very attractive women. Go figure.
It’s also easier not to slide back into relationships as you get older because hormones aren’t driving us so much. I’m a 60 yr old guy, 5 years divorced, and miss sex and hanging out, but I don’t want to risk my single life and its lack of complication that relationships bring. I lost my true in my 25 yr marriage, so it’s nice finding and being myself again. Still, would love to be able to have a cool girlfriend without getting stupid and too involved again, which would cause me to lose myself again. I honestly don’t trust myself in a relationship anymore, and an older hormonal drive makes it easier to keep a clear head nowadays. I’m sure many people feel like me. I’ve learned that the love I feel for someone who isn’t my family is merely a projection.
Laura, your post describes me and my feelings, though I’m a secure man. Men and women from late-life divorces, like me, mostly don’t want to get married or live together. I feel we mostly want a fun friend who wants to do things and just hang out; someone who is grown up and based in reality. Most people like me don’t -need- anyone or require anyone to be happy. I enjoy interacting with my friends and family and can be happy with that. Spending time with someone who doesn’t need me to fulfill their needs, or to placate their loneliness is paramount to me. I don’t want to be someone’s pet with benefits–lol. I’m fortunate that I’m an experienced person, so I’m not yearning for things I’ve never had, either romantically or sexually. I guess I would be open to quality company, conducive to me.
Helen, I think you do know…You seem to not pick up any old guy. Maybe you know that you don’t need anyone. That’s power. Love is mostly hormones, I believe, but true friendship that can be real and resonating.
The only problem with that is, most women nowadays are real Gold Diggers.
I am 56 & was never married for many reasons. I was abused, & it stunted my mental & emotional growth. I was thinking like a little girl for a very long time. Because of lack of proper finances, I could not move out on my own, so I lived with Mommy & Daddy like a little girl for many years. My Dad was abusive to both my Mom & me, & it traumatized me. So now, I am going on 57, & still single. Was very uncomfortable to get close to any man….
YES!
@ Albert….accept yourself the way u are,make yourself happy, hangouts with friends don’t Denny urself happiness,the right girl will find you… maybe it’s not yet time…
Not all women want relationships either and the older they get the more jaded they get when it comes to relationships! Someone said on here that people are fake and I believe that unfortunately to be true!
http://www.jonathonaslay.com/2020/06/22/a-mans-view-on-sex-ghosting-and-commitment/
Talks about emotional maturity and how a lot of people are actually dysfunctional due to problems in their childhoods or their past or whatever.
How about children? Do you want to have them? Like spread your genes and all?!
I’m the same way and I’m with you . You made a wise choice
hey ronnie
I can be your friend ,do you read ?
I’m 20 yrs old and my best friend amd her boyfriend ways tell me that its not normal to be single… When for me km single because of past relationships. I’ve been hurt so much that its really hard for me to trust anyone.
Erin You are right. I don’t want companionship, but Im just doing it to be like everyone else. Living in a capital city for over 30 years and never having met anyone is really quite anapalling achievement which I am having to live with
A lot of people stay single. Some due to their behaviour, some because of their habits and fear of rejection. There are people who don’t have any intentions of living alone but they end up living like that.
I totally agree with you on this.
Tell ’em!
very good one!
If i had been born in the old days which i easily would’ve been married back then since most women in the old days were very easy to meet, and i would’ve had children as well instead of still being a single man today.
One lovely shrut cold ‘birdy’ of mine told me I’m too Cool gentle,nicer guy for her..squashed me deeply I worked out before she told me she’s gonna end the affair..u know what! after 2weeks we where back together just because it was mid june in Michigan State cold,wet an too boring to be alone..but we agreed that before the fall we hv to end it,she agreed!now I’m somehow still single an hade it..
Jack: I am a 60 year old lady, 8 years divorced. Lost my true self in 28 years of marriage, family, and so on. I totally agree with you. I do feel lonely. Friends say it is such a waste for me to be alone. In the 8 years, I have taken the time to discover the real me and I enjoy my freedom of being single.
I am not sure if I can handle a relationship or breakup again. I am not sure if it a new relationship is worth the trouble at my age.I feel just like you.
Love in the old days was very real, and today women are very independent which is why love is very difficult to find for so many of us single guys still looking.
I am also 34 year old Indian man thats pretty much in the same boat all though I am not well educated. I believe I am single because of my culture . it’s tough living in the western world being Indian. we are not desirable looking men and for most women looks are what attracts them to men in the beginning. be thankful that you have a great job, women love money lol. the only Indian men i know with good looking blonde wives are doctors…so keep that in mind that you are paid well. Personally I got used to being alone. try going to the gym and get in shape at least you can have a nice body if you face is not physically attractive. go to the barbershop and get a fade or if your balding shave your head bald. buy some designer cloths, you’ll feel better in them. and most of all live your life to the fullest otherwise you’ll be sitting there when your 65 and asking yourself when did my time to fall in love pass me by, what did I do wrong. When really it was never there. if your destined to be alone then your destined to be alone. also lower your standards, your a regular indian guy. your not going to pick up supermodels. ive been with a lot of women when I was in my 20s but those days are over and now I’m in my mid 30s. around the age when women want to settle down so I already know that i am not going to find love and get married and i am okay with that. play the cards your delt and if the hands not good enough then fuck it.
I’m 42, never married or engaged. My last relationship ended almost 4yrs ago, and I’ve been unhappily celibate for almost a year.
If this is what the next 40+ years are going to look like, I want out NOW. It’s miserable not having anyone to hold you when you cry, or to know that every holiday / birthday will be spent alone. The men who have shown interest were just not worth my time; I’m not going to waste what little time I have left on a relationship with some geriatric dude, or with a man that has zero sexual experience and practically no equipment to learn with (3″ hard? No thx).
I could go to college and get a degree, but to what ends? I’ll be in my mid 40s by then, and it won’t mage a difference; everything about me is a red flag to decent, educated men. The only ones who try to chat me up are ghetto trash (speak poorly, no intellectual curiosity, dishonest, probably married and looking for a ‘side chick’), and I just walk faster and ignore them when they approach.
Settle? No, I won’t settle for men who would likely steal and pawn my antiques / would insist on bringing a television into my house “for them” / have no class.
It wouldn’t be so bad, being single, if I could also have sex. It’s the lack of touch that’s driving me mad.
“Everything about me is a red flag to decent men” means:
– intelligent, but no college degree
– no relationship with family of any kind / disowned to conceal narcissistic abuse
– abuse survivor (familial and relationship)
– adoptee
– of mixed ethnicity
All of these things are considered “huge red flags” in dating, whether I’m working through them or not. The biggest being the lack of familial relationship; men simply do NOT want to spend any time on a woman who has no family.
A lot of us had no choice but to become independent; how else are you supposed to survive when your family disowns you and leaves you in another state?
I would like nothing more than to feel safe and protected in a healthy relationship with a man, but I can’t find that.
Why? Racism, that’s why. I hate being mixed…it means you can’t ever find a decent man, just ghetto trash looking to use you to climb out of their situation or old men who had the hours for young Pam Grier in the 70s. It’s disheartening.
I think you need to move. Upstate NY is a cesspool (I’m there, too), and there’s literally NOTHING OUT HERE if you’re not a half-wit redneck with 240$ worth of flags hanging off the back of your lifted rust bucket pickup. XD
If you have no family, only a handful of friends, and a pair of cats, what is the point of living once your cats are gone? How can you survive the loss of your only source of love when you don’t have anyone to comfort you while you grieve? (Spoiler: you can’t)
If love makes life better, why is it that only having friends is so very unfulfilling? Maybe we’re being lied too about that; friendships cannot replace family or romantic relationships. Without those, life will never be as fulfilling or as meaningful.
Well there are many of us good single men out there that really hate being single and alone all the time, and i know quite a few friends going through the very same thing right now as well. And it is much worse for us since we have no children to fall back on either. Finding love today unfortunately for many of us men is like trying to find a needle in a haystack, and most single women don’t even want a relationship anymore today as well.
Even for many of us single guys meeting the right one has really become very impossible these days unfortunately, and it is very obvious why we’re still single today as i speak.
I’m 25 and I’m still single. I know it’s not wrong but sometimes thoughts and fears about being single forever cross my mind. I just know that I have to keep my hopes high but that sometimes feels like it’s not enough to feel good. I’m not desperate and in fact, I’m picky about who I want to be with.
Yeah don’t worry you’ll find someone soon just keep your hopes up. That’s what I do. It’s just a matter of time I think.
Just the thought of growing old all alone really bothers me, especially being a single man that doesn’t even have children to fall back on either which makes it worse. Most people would rather be in a relationship, which makes a lot of sense instead of being single and alone all the time.
I am now 65 years old, perpetually single, chronically alone. Described by others as Ms. Wonderful, fully engaged with life, volunteer, have multiple interests, people like me, decent looking, outdoors type . Never had a relationship; never been a girlfriend or had a girlfriend. My forever aloneness is getting to me, I want a lover/partner/intimate relationship. This loneliness is indeed a factor in my health. This desire is legitimate, courageous and invaluable as we all need human connection. It appears that others do not regard me as “girlfriend material”. It is quite conceivable I shall continue to live my entire adult life alone and that sure gives me no great pleasure at all. It is indeed up to me to manage these feelings of loneliness and my environment of living alone (because I do not need more friends, what I need is a lover).
Many of us single men would very much want to meet a good woman to be with, for a very serious relationship as well. It is very sad that most single women today are very picky, and are looking for their Mr. Right. They’re very greedy and selfish unfortunately that most of these women are today, and they will never want to settle down with an ordinary man since they just want the very best of all and will never settle for less either. Most women back many years ago were just looking to meet a good man to settle down with, and have a family as well since their parents raised them most of the time the right way. Today their parents are raising their daughters wrong and telling them to find a very rich man with a lot of money, instead of going with a man that makes much less money. That is the whole problem today that so many women just want to marry rich, and it was never that way many years ago since both men and women back then hardly had any money at all.
I read you loud and clear. Totally agree.
I am a 42 year old man and I have never held hands with, or kissed a woman – and never been on even one date in my life. There has never been any evidence that a woman has any sexual interest in me at all. As such I never approach women – no matter how attracted I am to them – because it’s clear that no woman wants me. I have several women friends who tell me I’m a consummate gentleman, that I make them feel special and that there are many women who are interested in me. They say that all I need to get a date is to trust them when they say I am attractive, then put myself out there and ask women out. I thank them for trying to make me feel good, but tell them I never see any evidence that a woman actually sees me as sexually attractive. It’s often said that in most cases, women initiate connections by sending signals to men they find attractive and want to pursue them. I have never gotten any such signal from a woman. As such, I do not express my interest in or approach women, and will not until I get a clear signal from her that she is interested in me. It’s clear at this point that I have no chance of ever attracting any woman at a sexual level.
You lost me at #2 with “unconscious”.
Clearly she meant “subconscious” but shouldn’t a PHD know the difference? I mean they weren’t knocked unconscious were they? LOL
I need some one to love me to get marage
I have been single my whole life . I’m 32 years old never dated anyone never been in a serious relationship. I have no kids. Nobody loves me, I don’t know what the problem is. I ask men like why I only get the men that just want to be friends with benefits. They said they don’t know, that’s preference for some men. Women tell me oh your beautiful, but I think if I was so beautiful wouldn’t I have a boyfriend by now. Anyway it’s lonely, people are like your going to find someone. But it’s like when? Anyway my life just sucks!
the real problem is feminism. wake up.
I am not financially sound…low income status. I would like to think it’s possible to pursue a relationship, but I want to be able to afford the things my date enjoys!
Song I was in the hospital for months and a nurse who was my nurse is gorgous and a sweet heart I fell in love with another nurse found out it got back to her and she told me I was stupid and beneath her would never go on a date with me let’s just say my self esteem is a 0 now I’m 53 and she is 40 it just crushed me I’m ok looking in great shape but I have low self esteem and was always single that’s the way life goes
Feminism has really caused this mess to begin with unfortunately today, and back in the past it was so much easier meeting a good woman to settle down with. Like they say, it takes two too tango. But the women today aren’t like the past at all which is why we have this problem today, that is caused by women mostly.
Male 68, single.
This is a good article and pertains to me. If you are a single male and want attention go to the Philippines or another country. Dating is much easier. It will get you back in the groove again. You don’t have to play the games of the modern woman here in America.
Personally I could care less about dating in America at this stage of my life.
Hi Ronnie,
I have just read this and don’t know how you are but am here to be your friend. Thanks.
Just too many very mentally ill women as it is in America, especially the ones that have no manners and personality at all either which they’re without a doubt real total losers to begin with. Speaking of Feminism which is definitely much worse than Cancer now that is caused by most women today as it is, and there is no cure at all for this very horrible disease either. That is why many of us good men are still single today because of this altogether.
I’m a single mom of 3 and as far as guys no. I’d rather concentrate on taking care of my kids . These guys out here are worthless ASF period. Al my exes have at one time or another stolen from me or abandoned me . That’s an issue ain’t it humans period either bums , leeches or whatever I say no to them all. People love drama I say umm 😂 nope to them all .No I’m not ugly. My ex made me homeless 7 times I worked n got everything together again . As far as people y’all can take that way over th
When you think about it, many of us that are still single today would had been easily married already had we been born back in the past. Very easy finding love in those days, with no problem at all since back then it was a very completely different time compared to today.
I’m 21… I have been single for 3 years. I do not show affection, and when was affection is shown towards me it makes me uncomfortable and I I fit into all of these reasons….. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me….
So I’m 15 ok and I have been single my whole life. And it’s not like I want to be but everyone I like either has a boyfriend or doesn’t want anything to do with me or they like someone else. I don’t know what to do.
Same I am 15 though everyone I like either doesn’t like me has a boyfriend or likes someone else
Sorry but that is a pretty biased comment. My parents raised me to be kind, courteous, and respect others (even when I get nothing in return). Unfortunately, my parents also were never compatible and didn’t have the best marriage. They tried for many years but got divorced after 36 years of marriage. I had to learn what makes a healthy relationship and it wasn’t always easy. I’m still learning (honestly hope I never stop. I don’t think we should ever stop trying to learn…) Especially growing up being a person with Aspergers which usually represents differently in females than in males. I actually didn’t get diagnosed until adulthood.
I’ve never cared about men with lots of money. I find it odd when men mention their careers upon meeting because I’m more interested in finding out about their hobbies, passions, and interest. I also have never been interested in very good-looking guys. I just don’t FEEL attracted to anyone I don’t personally know. I can’t stand boisterous men. I’d rather go for someone who has more of a quiet confidence. I typically prefer to date someone who has similar interests (though not ALL the same interests as I think spending time separately is important plus as an introvert I need my time alone to unwind) which for me are things many would consider being ‘nerdy’. Gaming, fantasy RPG board games, sci-fi, anime, etc. So hence I usually date nerdy guys. 99% of the men I’ve dated have been very average-looking. The odd few have been cute and a few have also been below average.
I’ve gone out with some very nice men (and some not so nice but that’s neither here are there). However, because of probably low self esteem and probably subscously seeking it out, I’ve also dated men who had severe mental health issues and also men that were emotionally unavailable (still reeling from their past relationships/ divorces… Those are the worst). So actually in my case, I wasn’t selective enough. And I’m not saying they were bad people. I won’t say anyone I’ve dated was bad no matter what they’ve done. Many people have issues, especially mental health issues. Many people have been hurt and have put up defenses. Many of us are just trying to protect our wounds and afraid to let our guard down… I also think it’s really hard for men to process and get over breakups/divorces and they often jump back into dating before they are truly ready (women do that too I’m sure. Though I’ve never dated a woman so…) That absolutely does not make them bad people. Just that they aren’t in the right space to be dating. Some people may never get there. And well you know what? That’s ok. There is way too much shame put on people who don’t fit a certain mold.
So yeah I’m still learning, growing, gaining more confidence etc. But have I ever been ‘too picky’. Definitely not. I know my issues and that isn’t one of them. And I’m sure there are other women out there who can say the same.
Most women today just can’t even stay faithful to only one man anymore anyway, since they like to party a lot and get wasted all the time. So that does make it very difficult for a lot of us men trying to find a decent woman to settle down with, but unfortunately they’re nowhere to be found. It has become very dangerous for many of us single men just to say good morning or hello to a woman that we would really like to meet, and they will usually be very nasty to us for no reason and walk away anyway. Who’s fault is that? Not ours.
There is only one reason why so many “smart, beautiful” women are single. It’s like taking a kid into a candy store. Since “social media” has simply become who we are, your options will forever appear to be endless, hence you’ll sacrifice the wait for “Mr. Right” one more day. ……..as 40 becomes 50, 60, 70 80……….Go ahead. It’s your call!!
Feminism is cancer caused by women for which there is no cure.
You nailed it.
Thank you for posting this article. I’m 42 and single. Here is an odd question for you: have you ever heard the question: do single individuals ever have the thought that they might be homosexual? Or friends and/or family jokingly ask, “Are you gay or what?” This has happend to me and I honestly say I am not homosexual. However, it’s almost a ‘rule’ to some that if you are older and single, you must be gay. Whereas those who are married are not. Does that make sense? But it does bother me to have this ‘rule’ in my head. Thoughts?
Even the name of this article judges single people by stating “why am I still single?” There was no need to put the word “still” in that sentence. That gives the impression something is wrong with it and that everyone will not be single at some stage. Language used is significant to the message you are trying to get across. Some people choose single life as it’s the better option for them. Not all single people are alone or lonely as we often have great friends, family, children, belonging in our communities and pets. There’s are some great points in the article especially about our defence mechanisms and our childhood and how we were brought up and impact of past romantic relationships on our current trust levels to let née people in. However, the vibe I get from article is the feeling the author feels it’s somehow a better life to have a part ed and that isn’t true for many of us. A lot of us are very unhappy in long term relationships and find single life more fun, more relaxing and that’s it’s great to come home from work and not have someone annoying us and wanting to talk or cuddle. We can unwind for work patting our dog instead and we’re super happy doing that. There’s more than one way to be happy!
I am a Kenyan male,39 years old. Married twice but divorced with three children since 2016. I don’t intend to get married again reason being the two relationship were too stressful for me. My first marriage ended due cheating on her part. Second marriage ended due to lack of communications, she just left with two children. what I have learnt is, one, better to be single for the rest of your life than to be in toxic relationship. Two, not all people were meant to be in marriage. Three, take your time to know the other person well, people do pretend to get you only to realize who they are when emotional damage have been done on you. Fourth, people will always judge you harshly when single but eligible. Fifth, get something to occupy your mind, like a long term project, to keep you busy and to give you a purpose in life.
There are genuine men out there .I am one of them .I have been cheated on an decieved several times .That makes me distrusting of woman but i know i willmeet someone whom will value my love and love me back someday ..you are a strong woman dont give up on all men .
same thing here….but still don’t give up on love…if their is still life.. we hope for the best
I’ve been pondering this subject a lot lately, so I will put out my reasons. First I am female, retired, 70 years old, fat, not pretty, and disabled (mobility impaired). Never married but I still would love to find somebody to love and be loved by and at this point… and would like to be married. I moved across country about 7 months before the covid hit, to a retirement community I hoped might make it easier to meet someone closer to my age. But it’s been hard to find someone interested in even talking with me at this time, especially with the stupid “pandemic”… wearing a mask, most places locked down here, and not being able to get more than 6 feet away from people. Most people won’t even respond to a simple “good morning” these days!
Why I never married when I was young: I believe mostly due to the horrible marriage of my parents which made me afraid of marriage. They hated one another, had no respect for each other, did not even like each other and made no effort at all to get along but would not divorce. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I realized my abusive, nasty mother (who clearly hated me as well as my father) was a prescription drug addict, likely with mental health problems. I only started to heal after I realized that.
I had a child at age 18, raised him alone. That deters a lot of men. When I was younger I had plenty of men interested in sleeping with me, and because of my own issues… if I was attracted to them I would sleep with them. I also spent years too involved in a religion, when I was involved in that I was celibate. Overall, though I like men… I was afraid of men that got too interested in me and tended to push them away. I fell in love twice (and it was mutual) but in both cases the person themselves was damaged from childhood… and neither relationship worked out. In both cases the guy dumped me for another woman.
Now I believe I have finally done the mental work needed to heal from the bad childhood trauma… but at my age and with disabilities, being fat and unattractive… I rarely get a man showing interest. It’s been 21 years since my last relationship.
I do not get lonely (I find it’s possible to learn to accept ones singleness.. and that helps) but I still would like to find love. One of my brothers recently informed me I was “too old” to find someone… which made me hopping mad. It may be, but I still hope. I would put myself “out there” if it was possible but we’ll need to get out of lock down. I had very bad luck trying online dating and won’t do that again.
I recently reached out (online) to a man I thought I recognized on a website for my old high school. It turned out we did not know one another but I had a very nice long phone chat and was feeling hopeful… but then he hasn’t been reaching out to me recently (almost 2 weeks). (He is a widower, it’s been 10 years since his woman died and it is clear he loved her deeply… plus he lives on the other side of the country… that may be part of it). I don’t want to take the lead or chase a man (never worked for me) so at this point it feels unlikely anything will come of it. Unfortunately because he was a lot of fun to talk to and it turns out we have a lot in common.
I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I think you are your own worse enemy. I believe there are very few women would have any “sexual attraction” to a man who lacked courage to even ask her out. I believe the majority of women are only interested in a man they’ve gotten to know a bit and you are not putting yourself out there at all.
It might help if you were to get counseling… seems to me like you need it.
I’m a single 55-year old female — never married, no kids.
Men my age are already seeking younger women or they are already married.
I was in a few relationships that were wonderful, until they weren’t.
The last was a man I’d gone to high school with, and all seemed great, comfortable and moving along at a good pace. One day I messaged him asking him if he wanted to come over and I’d make dinner — his response told me he’d moved out of state thousands of miles away to “try again” with an ex– of course I was gutted. It took a couple of years before I felt “over” that or him.
Now, I’ve decided to make my life happy and enjoy my siblings, my extended family, my friends, job, hobbies, you name it. I’m open to finding someone again but now, I’m not pursuing it necessarily. It’s always felt like something expected of me as a female, and that I’ve failed if I don’t have a significant other.
I no longer feel that way. I’m happy with myself and my life, and if someone comes along and just adds more joy and happiness, great! If not, also great!
Life is just too short to focus on what or who we don’t have.
I agree!
Hello Ronnie. I’m Sure there Is someone who will love you. Can I be your friend? I’m feeling in the same situation as you.
My problem is overall that I do not want to be in a relationship. I feel like any relationship I could have been will be highly encourage by my peers and society and the truth is, it’s hard to feel love when all I feel is pressure to be with someone 100% of the time. I don’t want to be in a relationship “to be in a relationship” hence why I’m single. Now I’d love to stop feeling guilty for dissapointing my parents about that : what do I do ?
So true.. That’s why I steer clear most of them..
Because I have kids. No decent man wants a woman with kids.
this is not true, you get hurt to many times. My last relationship was a women who i got engaged to and we was gong to get married, she packed her entire house up and left with her abusing husband who beat her and he was in jail, i was coming home in work van, i got message via txt message she left all my things in plastic bags with a friend, i had to drive 4 hours to get home it was a friday i remember pulling over because i almost crashed, worst feeling ever, she was spotted in the early hours moving all her stuff out the house into a van at 5 Am in the morning, her wife beating husband was with her. And at this time i was about 2 and half hours away from the city, once i gt text the number went dead and that was that, so god dam cold, relationship before this she was having sex with a guy from work in my home i caught them in bed together, im nearly 50 now i stayed single and i resent women now and have lost all trust in them, i am that guy who staying single untill i die too painfull and i don,t want round 3, ive just lost total trust in women ….
Sama, you are still young, there is enough time for you to find someone you love. For me, I’m 48 years old and I’m also picky, I did not get the one I want to be with until now, and it is already late for me to get married, but I am a happy single lady. May Lord let me appreciate the way I am and to remember that my body is a temple of the Holly Spirit.
Melissa, i was married at one time to a woman that i never knew was Bi Polar. And her daughter was autistic as well. But my ex cheated on me since she turned out to be a low life loser anyway, and she caused me so many other problems too.
90% of the people swarming around me are gang stalkers and not worthy of trust or interpersonal contact. They’re frightening and don’t respect boundaries. Plus, I’m not even sexual person. I think “fear” is often confused with “disinterest” because people like making others seem vulnerable, so they “must be” “fearful” of something. And even if it is fear, fear protects. Fear should be used, constructively.
However, I don’t “fear” commitment. I just don’t want it. Nobody “hurt” me because I don’t waste time on romantic relationships with people to get “hurt.” They just seem like a waste of energy. It’s the sheer loneliest, disappointment and boredom with another person, hanging around taking up oxygen, draining me of joy, that I seek to avoid. I read peoples energies very well. TOO WELL and I have always been right about someone I’ve called a gang stalker. I don’t have low self-esteem. I esteem myself higher than the perps around me. Who else is going to esteem me higher? I am not sexually attractive to anyone who isn’t completely unattractive to me and I don’t see dating worthy enough to lower my standards because I don’t really want to do it anyway. I don’t care what someone’s favorite anything is. I don’t want the vaccine to sit across from someone in a restaurant, them watching me chew and talking to me and nonsense. It’d be pretending like I wanted what a majority wanted just to fit in with social norms. And I hate when people call unattractive women like me “gay” just because I have a terribly thin body, mannish face and don’t look good in womens’ clothing and the men I find attractive don’t find me attractive. I don’t see settling for less, so that I can do things with men I’m not attracted to. Things I can do by myself. Isn’t my fault I’m not sexually attractive. Oh, well. People act as if “you must like someone.” Well, it ain’t females. Does liking good looking men translate to needing to be with them? I don’t think so. Why does that have to extend any further than that? Why must I need to BE WITH anyone? Because humans are just mating dogs? I’m from another galaxy or something. I just wish I knew which one.
you Forgot to ADD’ Being TOO Poor to Afford to Live’ Because Nobody Wants Anything to do with POOR People…
I’m single because I have children. No decent man wants a woman with children. You left that one out.
What about many of us that aren’t single by choice?
Some people ARENT SINGLE because they want Tobe, some people have NEVER been asked to be married, I am 48 & very lonely.
The available ones aren’t suitable & the suitable ones are unavailable.
My 83 year old mother has had friends who have died in the 80’s that haven’t ever had a relationship with any man.
I am single because i never met the one, even when i really tried.
That is not what she said. She said to give the person a chance that likes you bc they might wind up being a great catch in the long run.
I am 18years of age and I have never had a boyfriend.My former classmates used to tease me because of me never having a boyfriend but concentric on my studies only. Sometimes I feel so lonely, emotional and sad.
se of me never having a boyfriend but concentric on my studies only. Some reason I am single is because I see how my parents relationship and I feel having such a relationship where communication isn’t a priority instead of showing an example of how love life feels like, sometimes I feel normal but sometimes emotionally vulnerable.
Yeah, plenty of these women nowadays have their very high expectations and standards now.
Actually. I’m replying to the replyer who says she’s called “beast” by the opposite sex and that she wasn’t blessed with good looks therefore she,s resigned herself to being single.
I get what you’re saying “beast.” Gee you could be feeling depressed and lonely like a lot of split up singles out there but you have grown beyond that mind set and decided to love yourself. That’s great! I’m not a psychic and can’t foretell the future but I’m going to step out into the mysterious cosmos and say the following about you: you are in the best place you could be and that’s attractive no matter if you look like a big troll or a beast. There are hundreds of men who want you for your strength alone, know that. Because of your comments I’m telling you that there’s going to be a man or men coming into your life. How you choose to accept them is up to you. Good luck
I ev just read this article, I ev lived asingle life since my child hood I tried to date as many as not than 20 girls bt among all I ev never had a successful relationship am now about to give up for love. wt could be da problem &What can I do to overcome this problem
All I can say is since I was 19 any guy I have dated or liked never wanted anything serious. Now that I am 38 I have just been one of those women who has bad luck with men. I don’t have many friends either. I never married, never had kids only have my dog. I grew up in Boston and even sometimes that affects me from dating guys. I think it’s also with Tinder, Facebook,Whatsapp, Tik Tok people just aren’t wanting to be tied down to just one person anymore. Everyone just wants to hook up, wants something casual, they don’t want anything serious. I work three jobs, live with family cause rent/house is too expensive and since I was a kid have always taken care of others, other than myself. I don’t miss sex and it’s been 4 years since my narc ex discarded me. I don’t believe everyone has somebody out there for them and I don’t believe it will happen when you least expect it because our society just doesn’t work like that anymore. I have also tried to date older (50 year old men) but all these men complain about how women their own age are boring yet think that us youngins are wild and want sex morning noon and night…..far from it. I think the other issue is since social media and internet was invented well now if you want sex, a hookup or watch porn well its all at a click of a button. I was never able to have kids due to infertility issues, was always busy taking care of sick relatives, grew up in a negative environment and suffer from codependency but have gotten help for it. People think us single folk want to be just single, not true. I just think some of us just have bad luck when it comes to dating, life’s circumstances can sometimes put a hold on things and sometimes life experiences just don’t go as planned. I stay single because after the last relationship it really kinda screwed me up. I believe people in general suck doesn’t matter male or female, I keep busy, travel, spend time with my dog and rent from my parents since we live in a triple decker. I come home to only my dog and like my nice big bed all to myself. If I do get the urge, I don’t need a guy, all I own are my toys and don’t have to worry about getting an STD….lol! With my dad being sick, my grandmother just passing away and now with my mom’s disability I am helping them. Even when I was in my 20’s I never really went out on the weekends, never was really a drinker, never liked crowds, not much into the bar scene. I also hate though how people bring in the you have low self esteem….no it’s called we go out there to be ourselves and people just don’t gravitate to us as we feel we should. All the guys that gravitate to me are either players, jerks, some too successful they said they could never date someone like me, mama’s boy, narc, guys who only want to hook up or, those with baggage. I am so over dating, looking and believing. There is no longer effort in todays realm. People no longer want to commit to people, places or things. I will forever remain single and I love it. I don’t really give a damn as to why others feel the need to portray single people as a death sentence. I like being single cause I would rather hurt alone than be with someone who will hurt me in the end. Being single makes me embrace more of who I am and don’t need to prove myself to anyone anymore.
hi i read youre article and its true i agree with the message that youre trying to give people who still have hope in finding love but i think some people are born to single like me i always had bad luck with guys no matter what i did couldnt find mine soul mate and as time went by no guys approach me so i accept being alone
Maybe you’re picking someone like your mom?
Love is a thing of the past, whoever is in relationships now, that’s the last ones, Love is extinct
I have always been single my whole life and had trouble finding a boyfriend I don’t know why is just the way it is some people are born to be alone it’s bad luck.
I am 50+ and been single for a long time. Part of it, was excuses, due to work-a-holic. I have decided to meet someone who I can relate with, have fun. Call me anytime:)
Good relationship are not easy to find but we will still not lose hope because the good ones are still out there waiting for someone good like you to come into their lives
Hey
Im still single my age is 24 how i can correct my crush she is very pretty.
How to i start conversation with her
Please anyone help me . My whole life going boring and lonley
My cousin was very extremely lucky when he met his wife over 50 years ago when he met her at a dance at that time, and they got married in 1972 in October. Just celebrated their 50th year together a few months ago. How he met her was very amazing altogether which is why he was very extremely lucky when it happened. It all started when he went to that dance that night with his other single friend at that time. And when this girl walked in which right away he said to his friend that i am going to marry that girl someday, and his friend said to him that you don’t even know her yet. And he told his friend that i am going to ask her to dance with me which she did, and that night he did ask her out for another date which she said to him that would be very nice. And eventually they did get married after dating for a long time since she fell in love with him as well. Today they have two grown sons, and one of his sons is married with a daughter of his own. Now that without a doubt was fate for him when he met his wife. Bottom line is, so many people were very extremely lucky and blessed when they found love. And many of us other single men unfortunately were just very unlucky when it comes to finding love, since it just wasn’t meant to be for many of us that really want it too. Go figure.
What about many of us that never expected to be single at all? Not our fault.
Now that the lesbian population increased very rapidly which that certainly does make it very much more difficult for many of us single guys trying to meet a good woman today altogether. Go figure.