In addition to having suspicious feelings toward others and self-protective attitudes toward ourselves, we tend to be self-critical, seeing ourselves in the same unfavorable ways we were seen or treated in our early lives. For example, if we felt invisible, burdensome, obnoxious, or unimportant in our family of origin, we may carry these shameful feelings inside us and listen to self-critical thoughts or “critical inner voices” that put us down in regard to new relationships.

These “voices” don’t just isolate us by criticizing us and diminishing our confidence but by tricking us into self-protecting. “Don’t trust her,” it says, “she’s probably using you.” “Stay home tonight. You don’t need the stress of going out and talking to people. Things are too hectic. You need your own space. ” These voices can seem self-soothing when they entice us not to take chances, but they’re self-punishing the minute we listen to them. Even in a crowd of friendly faces, our critical inner voice can try to sabotage us into feeling alone, “No one here really knows what you’re like or who you really are. You have everyone fooled, don’t you?”

These destructive attitudes and expectations can lead us to engage in distancing behaviors and adopt pseudo-independent tendencies that push people away. Our defense may be to toughen up and act like we don’t want anything from anyone anyway. Or, it may be to get shy and try to stay in the background. We may remove ourselves from others and indulge the feeling that we are a burden. Ultimately, we are driven to be inward.

In Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion, we discuss inwardness as “a retreat into oneself.” In an inward state, a person adopts “a lifestyle characterized by a decrease of feeling for oneself and others, a reliance on painkilling habit patterns and substances, and a defensive, self-nurturing orientation toward life.” We seek satisfaction internally and spend our time engaging with our critical inner voice. As my father wrote, “We relate to these “negative parental introjects instead of real objects (or people).” He continued:

From this detached vantage point, one is observing oneself rather than experiencing one’s life. The person’s gaze is focused inward, on him- or herself, rather than outward toward others. Events in the interpersonal environment are filtered through this distorted lens of self-absorption, transformed (given a negative loading) by the voice process, and responded to inappropriately in a self-defeating manner.

The dramatist Eugene O’Neill once wrote, “Man’s loneliness is but his fear of life.” Our tendency to seek isolation and retreat from interactions with others is a way of punishing ourselves and indeed, retreating from life. Most of us move in and out of the state of being defended and listening to our critical inner voice and truly being ourselves, coming alive, and being vulnerable and open to others.

Our fight against loneliness is therefore more of an internal struggle than we may imagine. It is primarily a matter of being a friend to ourselves, standing up against our inner critic and challenging our core defenses. We must cultivate a compassionate attitude as we step out of our comfort zone and risk making a mistake or getting hurt. When we discover and befriend ourselves, we learn who we really are stripped of our defenses. And when we know ourselves, we are more inclined to form deeper friendships with others. We’re better able to create lasting connections that won’t repeat patterns from our past that reinforce old, negative identities.

When we do this, we can expect to feel challenged. Inwardness offers us a means to feel miserable, but also safe in our shell. Our defenses do the same, keeping us in an old, familiar state of being. We can find caring friends who help challenge our inwardness, but the real work begins with us, in consistently finding the strength to evict our inner enemy, in believing that we are lovable, and by making the space to let people in.