…In my years of working with men in therapy, I’ve noticed that many of the fears and stereotypes they’ve carried with them about therapy only dissolve when faced with the possibility of rejection, for example, when their spouse or partner threatens the end of a relationship. When a romantic or sexual relationship is on the line, that can get the man’s attention, and his fear of loss will often drive him into therapy. In this case, the threat of lo…
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…perfection, it is easy to get trapped in thoughts of self-doubt, agonizing fear, and sheer exhaustion from the day-to-day issues and errands we must conquer. How many of us halt our anxious thoughts and replace them with thoughts that bring us happiness, relaxation, and peace of mind? Prior to the last few decades, psychology was almost entirely devoted to pathological symptoms and cures, with a disregard for the power of positivity. Despite the r…
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…turning towards, is my awareness of my pain in pain? Is my awareness of my fear frightened? Is my awareness of my aversion feeling at all aversive? Or my grasping, is my awareness of my grasping and clinging to my own small minded ideas about myself or others, is it actually caught in that?” And the answer will invariably be, “No.” But when do we learn to ever inhabit this domain of being? So, I often speak about mindfulness as taking up residency…
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…than others. The more we learn what triggers our strongest emotions, like fear and frustration, the more we can understand ourselves and control our reactions to these triggers. For example, does a tone of condescension set off critical inner voices of being incapable? Is the nightly news making you feel like hiding under a desk? Does a certain way your child cries leave you feeling unbelievably overwhelmed? When we identify these triggers, we ca…
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…lly, doing so does not relinquish you to the slovenly mound of mush you so fear — it frees up the energy you have spent in frustration and self-loathing to be used productively, in such ground-breaking endeavors as taking a deep breath and smiling. Filling your lungs with ocean air or rejoicing that your legs are capable of carrying you down a sun-dappled path. Like any perspective shift, this takes time. But the only way to begin the shift is to…
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…t us but rarely are they entirely wrong. By staying open and vulnerable to feedback, we can respond sensitively to our partners while learning more about ourselves. We are also more likely to entice an open reaction from them when something bothers us, and we can both benefit from having a more honest relationship truly built on trust. 5. “I promise not to project elements from my past onto this relationship.” Though it may sound vague and simplis…
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…household, he wound up feeling very much like he had as a child: cautious, fearful, and at fault for something he didn’t know he’d done. This type of re-creation based on selection happens in many relationships in large and small ways. A woman I worked with described being drawn to men who were “mysterious” and had a “faraway look in their eyes.” She felt compelled and attracted by their cool demeanor. However, when she started a relationship with…
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…e hilt in order to leave the house, then that may show low self-esteem and fear of failure,” she adds. No one walks the fashion runway of life with a greater sense of confidence than our newest favorite, real-life princess, Duchess of Cambridge Catherine Middleton. Can we talk for a moment about Kate’s beautiful shoes and flattering clothing choices? Her jewelry (and let’s face it, she has her choice of emeralds and rubies) is always understated….
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…ly in public, all parents experience humiliation. They are embarrassed and fear that onlookers will regard them as faulty parents. However, do not let your self-consciousness or self-attacks affect your actions. Your focus should not be on worrying about how you are being seen, but on tending to the agony that your child is going through. When your kid is in this state, do not send her to her room. Isolation is not a constructive solution because…
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…re are difficulties we will all face that will leave us feeling unfathomed fear and doubt, staying on our own side mentally is perhaps the only way to truly withstand the struggle. As friends of mine get laid off from jobs they loved, hated or felt indifferent to, their mental struggle has, so far, far surmounted the physical one. Some found new jobs, some have taken the leap to achieve goals they’d long said they’d pursue “someday,” but the pain…
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