Ever wish you could laugh and talk more easily with others? When you try to share your feelings and get closer to someone, what happens? Do you freeze and say nothing? Does too much spill out? Do you have a short, awkward conversation? Do you end up feeling bad about yourself? People learn early in childhood whether to expect to feel safe or unsafe opening up to others in life. If you felt unseen, rejected, or criticized growing up, you may strug…
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…e tend to mimic these tendencies when we become mothers ourselves. Society feeds into this notion, indicating to women that now that they are a mother, it’s no longer appropriate to be sexual. Being free is deemed irresponsible, and being spontaneous is shunned as immature. The same can be said of work. Being overly focused on a career or parenthood disconnects a woman from her sexuality, allowing her life to get out of balance in a way that fails…
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…have a tendency to reach a point when they get scared and pull back. Their fears of intimacy can start to turn them against themselves or their partner, and in order to create distance, they start to withhold the qualities their partner valued most. This process is often unconscious and happens unintentionally, which can make it hard to pinpoint. However, if we notice that our feelings start to change, for example we now resent something we used t…
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…at makes up what we refer to as romantic love. Many of us have unconscious fears around intimacy that cause us to want to keep our partner at a certain emotional distance. We resist getting too close in many, often unconscious, ways in order to maintain old, familiar defenses that may keep us feeling safe and self-protected but that actually limit us in our lives. When we are in this mode, being kind to our partner is experienced as a threat to ou…
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…quently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Adults with a fearful avoidant attachment style in their romantic relationships live in an ambivalent state, afraid of being too close to others but also afraid of being too distant. They are trapped in a defensive reaction to love: they go toward love, but when they get close to someone, they pull away for fear that they will be hurt. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejec…
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…n healthy relationships, people learn that they can safely manage worries, fears, hopes and dreams. This capacity builds intimacy, closeness, and a sense of security that has a far-reaching impact. Learning To Build Healthy Relationships Does this mean that people with poor quality relationships are doomed to poor health? Not at all. It is never too late to begin to have a good relationship in your life. So much of the work of therapy is about lea…
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…ves. What are our defenses? Are we pushing away someone because of our own fear of intimacy? Are we acting out patterns from our past? Are we controlling our relationship so as to avoid our own feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or shame? When we start to use a relationship to serve an inner purpose rather than to get to know someone and appreciate what that person adds to our life, we run the risk of forming a Fantasy Bond. Warning signs of a Fant…
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…-image. People’s intolerance of love and intimacy is not only based on the fear of being vulnerable and open to another person, but also on existential fears. Being close to another in a loving relationship makes us aware that life is precious, and that it will come to an end. When we embrace love, we embrace life; and in embracing life, we face death’s inevitability. When people experience the unique combination of love and sex in a committed, me…
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…hotherapists that facilitate clients’ progress and change.* In The Fear of Intimacy, I outlined my approach to psychotherapy and described personal qualities in therapists that I consider essential to forming and sustaining an effective therapeutic relationship. The psychotherapeutic alliance is a unique human relationship, wherein a devoted and trained person attempts to render assistance to another person by both suspending and extending him or…
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…cumstances and more to do with their personal story. This webinar with Dr. Lisa Firestone will explore how early defense systems and adaptations help shape how people relate in their romantic lives. She will describe unhealthy thought processes and behavior patterns that create distance in couple relationships. Finally, she will illustrate how individuals can start to let down their guard and let someone in without feeling like they’re giving up o…
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