Resolving the Trauma You Didn’t Know You Had
Most of us wouldn’t use the word trauma when telling our story. We may associate trauma with natural disaster, disease, war, loss or other extreme acts of violence. Unless we’ve suffered sexual or physical abuse, or even if we have, we may tell ourselves that there was no “trauma” in our early life. Yet, a trauma can be defined as any significant negative event or incident that shaped us. It can emerge from any impactful instance that made us feel bad, scared, hurt or ashamed. By this definition, we have all experienced some degree of trauma in the process of growing up. And how well we cope in our lives today depends, to a large degree, on how much we are willing to recognize and make sense of this trauma.
No matter how often we try to tell ourselves that the past is in the past or to write off the ways we were hurt as “no big deal,” our history continues to affect us in countless, unconscious ways. Research shows that when we fail to face and process the large and small traumas of our past, we can become stuck in our pain. We may struggle in our relationships and recreate our past in our present. In order to identify the events that hurt us, we must realize that trauma can exist in many forms. Psychologists often refer to traumatic interpersonal events that were not life-threatening but generated a significant emotional response as “little t” trauma. These can include instances of bullying, rejection, neglect, ridicule, verbal abuse, alarm, etc.
Our list of traumatic memories may or may not be long. We may struggle to even think of anything at first. It’s common to discount what happened to us as kids as not that important once we’re adults. Yet, what we have to remember is that it’s not about how we feel about the event now but how we felt as kids that affects us. Many things feel a lot bigger and scarier to a child who has little control or power over his or her circumstances.
For example, recalling your father jumping up and down in a rage when a 4-year-old you spilled on his desk may seem forgivable or even comical to your adult self. But try to imagine the event from a child’s perspective. Picture a large adult you rely on for safety looming over you and losing control. That can feel terrifying. Incidents that parents hardly remember can have a big impact on their children. That is because our brains are wired to recall the things that frighten or alarm us, the painful experiences we endure. This is an inborn survival strategy meant to keep us safe, but unfortunately it makes us hypervigilant, and we can misperceive certain experiences to be life-threatening.
To a child, even small rejections can feel like a life or death threat, as we depend on our parents for survival. We may roll our eyes when recounting all the times our mom was really late or forgot altogether to pick us up from school. Yet, that experience can become integrated into a child’s sense of self, making the child feel unlovable and instilling the belief that he or she must be completely self-reliant.
Children are quick to internalize or blame themselves for the traumatic events they experience. They often feel responsible for conditions that were outside their control, i.e. a caretaker’s temper, the abuse of a sibling, or neglect of a parent. This is because it can actually feel more threatening to children to see their parent in a negative light, to face the reality that their caregiver is unreliable or flawed. As we grow up, internalizing these terrifying events comes to shape our basic feelings of self, which can be hard to shake. We carry these beliefs, attitudes, and orientations into our adult lives, and then unknowingly, replicate them in our relationships.
When we fail to deal with our trauma, whether by taking on blame, disassociating, trying to bury our memories, or repeatedly reliving the deep emotional pain, we are not making sense of what happened to us and, thereby, falling victim to our past in the present. When our traumas are unresolved, our brain isn’t fully integrated. Present day events can trigger us, and we risk getting thrown back into emotional states we experienced as kids. Dr. Jack Kornfield recommends an approach called “RAIN,” to help us mindfully deal with these triggers. The steps include:
- Recognize – Pause and notice what you’re feeling.
- Accept/acknowledge/allow – whatever strong emotion is occurring in the moment.
- Investigate – Start to investigate your internal experience. Try what Daniel Siegel calls SIFTing through your experience, noting Sensations, Images, Feelings and Thoughts that arise.
- Non-identification– Don’t allow the thoughts, feelings or experiences to define you. If a memory arises, remember that the memory is not happening to you now and does not define who you are.
When we learn to approach our memories with calmness and curiosity, we are less likely to be triggered. We’ll also start to notice our triggers more quickly, which diffuses their intensity. The concept of “name it to tame it” refers to the fact that when we identify our emotions in this way, we tend to not be ruled by them. For example, if your two-year-old is throwing a tantrum and all of a sudden you feel yourself panicking, it may be triggering an old feeling or memory from your own experience. Perhaps your parent would “lose it” with you when you’d get upset as a child. Identifying where this heightened emotional reaction is coming from can help you differentiate the past from the present and feel more calm and centered in the moment. It’s often the case that, when we make sense of trauma, something clicks and we’re able to calm down and choose our actions and reactions more wisely.
One of the most effective methods to separate from our past and take control of our lives involves creating a coherent narrative. A coherent narrative is a tool often described by Dr. Siegel, with whom I’ll be teaching the online course “Making Sense of Your Life: Understanding Your Past to Liberate Your Present and Empower Your Future.” The process centers on telling our story as a means of making sense of the events that shaped us, bringing memories and feelings to the surface to better understand how they inform our present state of being. Creating a coherent narrative helps promote emotional regulation. It develops and enhances the nine important functions of the prefrontal cortex, which include regulating our body, emotional balance, attuned communication and response flexibility, intuition, empathy, fear modulation, insight and morality. It can also help us to form healthier attachments.
“The fantastic news is that if you can make sense of your childhood experiences—especially your relationships with your parents—you can transform your attachment models toward security,” said Dr. Siegel. “The reason this is important is that relationships— with friends, with romantic partners, with present or possible future offspring—will be profoundly enhanced. And you’ll feel better with yourself.”
Making sense of these experiences helps our relationships, as a parent or partner. Otherwise, we are much more likely to reenact these dynamics and project onto the people in our lives. Attachment research has shown that making sense of our past and feeling the full pain of our childhood is the best predictor of our ability to form a healthier attachment with our own children. It also allows us to live more mindfully and enjoy better relationships in general.
Too often, we hear the argument that we can’t change the past so why bother remembering it. However, if we don’t look at our past, we are more likely to hold on to negative core beliefs about ourselves that limit us in our lives. We are also more likely to be triggered and repeat negative patterns in the present. Attachment research teaches us that it’s not what happened to us but how much we’ve made sense of and felt the full pain of our childhood that affects how we relate today. As children, our story may shape who we become, but as adults, we can shape our story. We can’t control what happened in the past, but we can control the hold it has over us in our current lives.
About the Author
I have never heard or read a better, more compelling and heartfelt explanation of trauma. For years, I have struggled with myriad emotional and psychological issues that stemmed from childhood trauma. I constantly heard “it wasn’t that bad,” “so and so had it worse,” “forgive and forget,” and “leave the past in the past” along with a plethora of inane idioms that negated my experience and caused me to feel shame and self-blame in addition to the issues I already struggled with. Finally, I feel like I can truly own my on life experience without having to justify why I hurt. Thank you so much for printing this article.
How can you even know you had a childhood trauma? Or how can you know that whatever you are feeling right now comes from a past memory related thing??
I was insecure as I was growing up. I remember how my mom compared me to my older sister when she thought i have a boyfriend. It wasnt true and my parents didnt believe me. Whenever my sister is at our house, mom always scold me and push me away like i did things wrong. I never thought it would have a great impact as I grow up. I became a loner and I self criticize. I was afraid to make a mistake because i keep thinking that someone may not be happy(makes me remember my mom) i feel unappreciated as I was growing up. I am not close with my family unlike anyone else. Ive had relationship issues too and i ended up with men whom cheated on me they all did. Wrong choices coz i thought theyve accepted me for who I am but the heartbreaks made me feel a little bit insecure. My life is complicatd and i am still now working on it. It is hard.
I didn’t know it but growing up my stepfather was very emotionally abusive. Comparing me to all my younger siblings, telling me I was lazy, selfish and never believed me. He would “lose it” over the littlest incidents. Punish me only to admit later that it wasn’t my fault. He would try to give advice but then tell me I was stupid and brought this on myself. I was rebellious for having my own way of thinking, and heaven forbid I suggest doing something differently. The only time I ever yelled back at him he choked me. I keep burying all these emotions and hurts and then out of nowhere they bubble up and explode. I’m terrified that I will never find someone who will “put up with me”. Thank you for this article. I am going to start acknowledging what happened to me and write it down.
7-6-16
To Whom It May Concern,
Excuse me for phrasing it this way but I don`t know if the people mentioned in the article is reading this email message or one of their staff. But Iam a native New Yorker born in Brooklyn in 1955. The surviving member of a family of four. My father died in November 1996 of a heart attack at 72in a nursing home. My younger brother John Jr died at 40 in The World Trade Center. He leaves behind a wife and two sons in Bayonne, NJ. My mother died at 88 in her room.When I called from work that day to check up on her a neighbor said come home quickly. I came home ASAP.When I got the mail and took the elevator there were nine cops in the apartment! I forgot to add I live across
the street from the police precinct. I answered the cops questions on who I was in relation to her, who I worked for and where I was. He said your mother died at 5:35pm.This was 1-24-13.I walked to her room ad she was out cold on the floor of our three bedroom two bathroom apartment. Her lips were pursed and the ironing board was knocked over. The next door neighbor must have found her dead. I then paused after a gurney was brought in and she was put in it. I said a brief prayer. And they wheeled her out. She and my father were cremated. Since February 2016 I moved from my parents apartment on the
nineteenth floor with a terrace giving a skyline view of m Manhattan to a third floor studio apartment. I used to pay $1,600 for rent now I pay $640.Since transferring from Brooklyn Technical HS to Lafayette HS because I got left back there and failed the defunct Strength of Materials course three times I have been to several therapists. Aside from that the late Adam Cirillo who was the coach of the Football team
said to me Keith if you don`t leave `Tech you`ll be a “Super Senior”. That is 19 years old and in high school. Besides I had a 710 total SAT score. And a Technical Drawing teacher said without conversation
to me old me you don`t look like you can cut it at this school.So upon Mr.Ciriilo`s remark my mother and I went down to the Board of Ed signed the papers and off to Lafayette I went. There I made the Varsity Handball Team, was registered to vote, went on senior Day and felt a little better. Aside from that Iam at work and am emailing you from my cubicle in my Government job. I do not work for the post office.but aside from that I will mention this information to everyone who I think it would be relevant to. And I thank you for making these services available.
Signed,
Keith
Keith.. thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best. Things can be tough can’t they but it is a wonderful world. Kindest regards Dave from U.K.
I am the middle son of 3 boys. I don’t really remember too much about my childhood before the age of 9 but from then on, I do remember my father not liking me much, he would always put me down and say my brothers were better than me. I used to feel intimidated by him all the time, I never really understood why he was like that with me, until one day my mother told me about an argument they both had just before I was born. It resulted in my father kicking my mother out of where they lived. She had to stay with a male friend. Shortly after they got back together, she fell pregnant with me. After I was born, any arguments they had would result in my father saying that I was not his child but the guy my mother stayed with.
I am obviously his child (unfortunately) but since I found that out and then knew that his actions towards me were not MY fault. I felt better.
I don’t have any feelings for my father now and don’t particularly like him as a person.
Regardless of the things he would say to me, I am more than happy with the person I have become.
I am Honest, Kind and Genuine, I have lots of friends and am very well like by pretty much all of them. I pride myself on that. I do worry about what people think of me and I don’t like to upset anyone .
My problem is I can’t hold a relationship down, I keep attracting women that either walk all over me or cheat, I don’t know how to act or what I’m doing wrong.. I give so much to the relationship but the same thing keeps happening and the break ups destroy me…to the point I become so depressed…
I am now 47 and just want to be in a happy normal relationship and don’t know how or what to do about it
Troy, you should get familiar with the term “co-dependency”.
Check this link: http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/codependency-dont-dance-ross-rosenbergs-codependency-essay/
Thank you so much for your article. The steps you wrote about RAIN is pretty much what I learned to do after having years of therapy to help me face and feel what had happened to me and my brothers in childhood. My parents also did not experience a secure attachment. They didn’t get their emotional needs met growing up and they also felt unsafe, unloved, unwanted, unsupported and unable to stop triggers from their childhood traumas. We all hear that feelings will not kill us, but some triggers are much more intense then others. I’ve learned to reparent my emotional side (inner child) when I need to do the steps like RAIN and re-enforce who I am in the here and now. I am safe, secure, supported,loved, resilient and resourceful. Triggers do not disappear because I’ve done the emotional work, the volume on them gets lower. Thank you for writing such an amazing article. You expanded my awareness and gave me more tools to use navigating my way to living more out if choice and in the present
Hi. I recently lived an experience in which an argument with my partner brought up a vivid and almost identical reaction to what I used to live and see growing up. Now that I’ve identified it, and don’t want a reoccurrence in my relationships, how how how HOW do I heal it?
I am a believer in the incredible power of stories we have received in youth. I believe that there is indeed healing, and the presence of God, who wants a direct relationship with us in our authentic identity, is essential for our own healing.
For me, if I feel severely intense emotions, and it seems over the top to others, it’s probably a past emotion. Hope this helps. 🙂
Hi,
Recently I had a breakdown at work, and have had a number of these in the past. I have suffered what I thought was anxiety for the past 11 Years and thought there was no way out. I had a very traumatic upbringing, my father was extremely violent and abusive to my mother and any vulnerable women he could suck into his control. This I only learnt of recently and have idolised my Dad, until he took his own life three years ago. I am now navigating my past memories and a lot of stuff is coming to the surface. I have reconnected with my Mum and know she should have been the one to idolise, she held all these horrific memories, until I was ready to hear them. I feel really present now, but everything I new and believed in is now different, I see the world differently. I’m 35 and it’s scary to start life again, any tools or advice?
I like and enjoy this app or is this website because it gives me insight about myself and just help me with a lot of my PTSD problems.
Hey, (interesting by the way)
I revealed something that happened to me in my childhood to my best friend some years ago and right after I told her, I felt bad because the feeling was like I was lying to her. It really happened, but I was feeling bad to lie to her even if I was saying the truth. What does it mean?
I would cry a lot when I was younger, and I was really weak. My parents noticed this and told me not to cry. I started to lie to them. I lied about how I felt about everything, that I loved what they wanted me to love. I didn’t and I don’t. They love me, and I love them, but sometimes they would yell, tell me I was brainwashed, just stuff like that. Now I don’t know what I like anymore and I feel like a shell of a person. Is that trauma? Or am I exaggerating again. Also when I was 10, my teachers would snap at me and punish me for being bored in class. I was hurting myself and they knew. My parents gave them resources, and they did nothing. Now I can’t trust teachers or people in power. I was ghosted by a therapist and 2 friends at the same time as well, that combined with my grandma dying from a really aggressive brain tumor sent me into this really depressive episode and I’m still recovering from it. I’m 14 now. I know it’s not bad and I’m exaggerating and I shouldn’t spill my guts but I genuinely don’t know if what I went through was bad. I’ve almost tried to commit suicide, and I struggle with anger, but is that really traumatic? Or is it fine and there’s nothing to worry about. For whoever’s reading this, sorry for the shit grammar, and sorry for putting this on you. So thanks I guess.
That’s it! Wow! That sums it up! That makes me feel so better about myself! Thank you!
Was looking for some takes regarding this topic and I found your article quite informative. It has given me a fresh perspective on the topic tackled. Thanks!