Can an Open Relationship Actually Work?
Research tells us that about 4 to 5 percent of heterosexual couples have agreed to have an open relationship. In other words, they’ve given their consent to not be monogamous. That may seem like a relatively small and, given the stigma surrounding open relationships, unsurprising number. Yet, take this into consideration. The latest data from the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey revealed that more than 20 percent of married men and nearly 15 percent of married women admit to infidelity, a number that’s risen almost 40 percent for women in the past 20 years. Remember, these are only admitted affairs. Some studies even posit that between 30 and 60 percent of married individuals in the United States will engage in adultery at some point in their marriage. So, while only 4 to 5 percent of men and women are choosing to be open about their extramarital relations, somewhere between 15 and 60 percent are opting for a less consensual form of infidelity.
What does this tell us about our society? One, a pretty significant percentage of the population is clearly drawn to non-monogamous relationships, yet a much smaller percent is willing to call it like it is. For the people who choose to engage in affairs, is it more honorable to come to an agreement with their partner or to sneak around and deceive? Can an open relationship actually work? How can two people, alone in their romantic union, find common ground on this societally tricky and taboo subject?
For any relationship to work, there are certain fundamental qualities to be aware of. In an open relationship, in which a couple chooses not to hide or to allow infidelity, it is all the more important to encourage honest communication and healthy ways of handling emotions like jealousy, victimization or a desire to control. Whether you’re interested in a monogamous or open relationship, here are some of the elements you’ll want to avoid if you want to keep things close, consistent and exciting between you and your partner.
Dishonesty – According to psychologist and co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, Lisa Firestone, “When it comes to their intimate relationships, couples can make any decision they want about monogamy, as long as this decision is mutually agreed upon by both partners… Many couples have made exceptions to sexual fidelity or are taking alternative approaches to their sexual freedom. Yet, no matter what the agreement is, there is one fundamental quality that, if compromised, can destroy a relationship: honesty.”
There is often considerable devastation when an affair is discovered, and it seems the lying aspect of the scenario has a lot to do with the pain that ensues. In her blog, “What’s Wrong with Infidelity?” Dr. Firestone went on to cite research that has shown unfaithful individuals are less likely to practice safe sex than people in open relationships. This act of deception thus poses both a physical and emotional threat to their partner. “Whatever their decision is regarding monogamy, if two people want their relationship to stay strong, they must strive to be open and truthful and to ensure their actions always match their words,” said Dr. Firestone. To paraphrase, an open relationship without honesty is a recipe for disaster. Any deception is likely to lead to the same feelings of hurt and distrust that arise in unexpected discoveries of infidelity.
We may not be able to control our attractions, but we can control how we behave. Even if these attractions escalate into a real interest, we can make a commitment to talk to our partner about our feelings before we act on them. In this sense, being open with our partner and encouraging them to be open with us will inspire an atmosphere of honesty that may help us to better deal with feelings of jealousy or paranoia.
Jealousy – Jealousy is a natural human emotion. Yet, the way we use it can be very destructive. “Lurking behind the paranoia toward our partners or the criticisms toward a perceived third-party threat, are often critical thoughts toward ourselves,” said Firestone. She describes how a person’s “critical inner voice” can flood his or her mind with harmful suspicions and accusations that fuel feelings of jealousy. She frequently finds that what people are telling themselves about what’s going on with their partner is often a lot worse than what is actually going on. For example, a person may think, “She is totally checking out that guy. She’s losing interest in me. She’s going to have an affair. You should just get out before she hurts you.”
Your inner critic will also use your partner’s perceived attractions against you. “Thoughts like, “What does he see in her?” can quickly turn into “She is so much prettier/thinner/more successful than me,” said Dr. Firestone. “Even when our worst fears materialize and we learn of a partner’s affair, we frequently react by directing anger at ourselves for being “foolish, unlovable, ruined or unwanted.”
These shaming attitudes toward ourselves and our partner can breed an environment of distrust. If a healthy relationship must be built on honesty and trust, then jealousy has to be kept in check. The first way to do this is to own our emotions and deal with our inner critic rather than allowing it to poison our relationship. We should work hard to be vulnerable and open to our partner, to offer them our trust and support of their independence and individuality. This doesn’t mean we have to agree to an open relationship. It just means working on having open communication and trying not to allow our inner critic to overtake us and drive our behavior.
Whether or not we attempt to impose restrictions on our partner, we live in a world full of risks. We can never claim ownership over another human being or their sexuality, nor can they own ours. There is always a chance he or she will develop feelings for someone else. The best thing we can do is feel secure and strong in ourselves and know that we can handle a lot more than we think can.
Fear – When people think of the fears that arise in a relationship, they usually think of their fear of losing their partner. However, there is an underlying fear of intimacy that has an insidious effect on people being able to pursue a relationship to the fullest of their ability. They find it difficult to let things get too close or to tolerate loving feelings directed toward them. What makes this even more complicated is the fact that this fear can sit below the surface, so it isn’t entirely conscious. Instead of thinking, “I’m too scared of being in love to be in this relationship,” we will have thoughts like, “He is just way too into me. I can’t make this kind of commitment right now. One of us will just wind up getting hurt.” As things get closer in a relationship, we may have the tendency to pull away from someone who is actually giving us what we always thought we wanted.
It is very common to have these reactions to intimacy, yet so many people feel they’re alone in this. We often fail to recognize these feelings as fears and instead assume that they are rational reasons to split up with our partner, take a break or find someone else. The trouble is the same issues are likely to arise in any relationship we find, because these fears reside within us. Until we deal with them in ourselves, they’re likely to creep up at some point in our relationship.
If you’re interested in an open relationship, you may want to ask yourself certain questions, like “Am I simply interested in sexual freedom or am I pulling away from closeness with my current partner?” “Is there something missing from my current relationship that I’m not dealing with?”
No matter what type of relationship you’re in, to be close to anyone, you’ll have to get to know and challenge your own resistance and fears. These fears often come from old feelings of hurt, rejection or loss. They may be keeping you from finding and maintaining the love you say you want. They may even be blocking your feelings of wanting love in the first place, filling your head with thoughts like, “Relationships are stupid and unnatural. People just wind up miserable, putting each other in chains.” Be wary of these cynical thoughts toward love, because they often mask much deeper fears.
Whatever a couple decides to do, whether insisting on monogamy or making certain exceptions, that is for them alone to decide. What matters is that once they’ve decided and agreed upon the terms of their relationship, they must stand by these decisions. In doing so, they offer their partner and themselves a certain degree of trust, freedom and respect as the separate individuals they are. When two people recognize each other’s individuality, they’re able to avoid falling into a “fantasy bond,” an illusion of connection that replaces real love and sabotages exciting relationships. They’re able to maintain their attractions to each other and to keep the spark alive, so to speak.
To avoid a fantasy bond and other traps that doom any relationship, all couples should strive to be honest with each other, to deal with their jealous feelings in healthy ways and to challenge their deeply rooted fears of intimacy. By making this their focus, they are far better able to sustain richer, more rewarding relationships. From this foundation, they are much better equipped to have open, honest and mature discussions about attractions and monogomy and are much less likely to engage in deception and secret infidelity.
About the Author
Denial definitely seems to be an essential element to life in the modern world… To challenge the status quo about “what makes one happy” and what is really a path to fulfillment or enlightenment is often the path less chosen and even a way to be ostracized socially. Despite all of the “Facebook memes of wisdom” and assertions of self confidence people post these days, I find there are a lot of people who seem completely lost when it comes to sex, love, money and life aspirations. It seems that after a period of questioning “how much is enough” modern people are once again on the “he/she with the most toys/partners/money etc. wins” mentality. As a race, as a species… will we ever grow up? Doesn’t look that way. The longer l live the more it seems I am islanded and can’t find people who are like minded. Society has moved on to ‘bigger and better’ things without me, and I wave and watch them go…. mad.
Well, you’re not alone, Sid! I feel the same way.
Well said!!! I agree wholeheartedly. U are not alone my friend.
Why be married at all if you can’t commit to one person? Why not just sleep around and be single? Not that I am advocating for that but it would be better than this. Marriage doesn’t work anyway but if you’re going to tie the knot and attempt it, don’t bring anyone else into the marriage bed. At least treat your spouse with enough respect to make them number one. I guess it is more honourable than simply lying and deciving someone but still…it’s only human to expect your spouse to be faithful. Even when mine separated from me and was doing another man up the arse I did not stray…and I have my self respect that I at least did the right thing.
Yes, of course. I know several people who have been in long-term open relationships or polyamorous relationships. No matter is this long term either a short relationship. Such a nice blog here ! Thanks for sharing us.
So on point here! You’ve expressed so many of my exact thoughts. Thank you so much for putting this out there and sharing. I truly wish more people could not hold on so tight and think “partnership love” has to be exclusive. We can love and share ourselves with others without taking anything away from our primary relationship. Our society is still mostly stuck agreeing with the “old model” of what relationship means and it’s clearly failing, as our divorce rates are around 60-65% and like stated in this article, infidelity is rising and all the dishonesty around the infidelity is destroying relationships. I hope that many read this and reconsider a more evolved, open, honest, trusting and empowering way to show up inrelationships!
I owned a swingers club for ten years in Dallas called Iniquity… We literally changed the perception of swinging in our city. Dressed it up and made it look like a high end club. This brought out a group of people that had shied away from that situation.
I learned a lot about swinging and its affects on people. I can’t tell you how many couples that seemed to have it together that lasted no more than a couple years after finding the lifestyle. Not to mention how many of them left for the people they were messing around with. It’s not a matter of if but a matter of when they will split.
Polyamory is not swinging… Couples swing. There’s no way in hell you can tell me this is a good thing for people long term. If a wife is allowing her man to screw around, it means she’s not into him on the sexual level and could care less. There’s always an exception to that rule, but I’ve literally heard woman say they would rather have someone else do their spouse so they didn’t have to. The swing lifestyle is full of agenda driven activity.
I’m full of stories that would send even the strongest partners running. Take no emotion into the situation other than getting laid and moving on… You should be fine. If your partner tells you there has to be a connection to sleep with someone else, don’t get into the swinging lifestyle?
By my subjective account the issue of keeping a relationship running and sustainable for the two parties ever proved an inexpendable hardship. It’s not a matter of fidelity or cheating. It’s more of covertly or overtly intentions towards self-fulfillment. Sexual drive can not be constricted by promises, lies or deals between partners. Becauce it has no actual limitations to operate. Also there are differences between man and woman’s reasons to seek sexual allurements outside the couple. Emotional drain is more common for woman and man play around and about for sexual adventure. Once the individuals in the couple call for the options to get and give somewhere else with someone else there is already a necessity ongoing. A hunger for sensations. But sexuality is not everything in a relationship. The toughest thing to accomplish is to reconstruct what the partners have together. Sometimes the newborn affection pleaces the couple. To remain the same is impossible. Swinging just to pretend stability in the relationship while controlling the other with ”open arragements” does not seem me less of damage. Rick Leid, I like your thinking.
My husband of 8 years, announced 5 years ago that he was poly. He didn’t know it was a thing and always felt guilty for wanting intimate relationships outside of ours. I was devastated but tried to understand. I read many books and more trying to come to terms with it.
6 months ago, he decided he was done waiting and got on OKC and found a woman. She is in an open marriage and they go off and fuckevery couple weeks.
I take anti-depressants, go to counseling seeking and sob. He knows I’m hurt but won’t change because it is who he is. I stopped seeing my friends because I can’t stop crying all the time and can’t tell them.
I’m so lost.
It’s not infidelity if it’s agreed to and allowed.
Why do you stay with him? If you didn’t agree to the polyamorous/open/whatever it is relationship, then it is adultery. Cheating. Infidelity.
Assuming you and he have sat down and set the rules for the relationship, does he tell you in advance when he’s got ‘dates’ with his partner? Do you get to have a say if it conflicts with a family event? Does he get overnights? Multiple days? Just curious as it doesn’t sound as if you had much say in the matter.
Has your husband gone to counseling with you? Does he still treat you as a loving husband should treat his wife? Have you considered getting yourself a ‘partner’?
Not to be negative but polyamory usually doesn’t work when one primary partner is monogamous unless their spouse is very considerate and careful with their feelings and adheres strictly to the rules they both agreed on.
I think marriage is ridiculous within the concept of Polyamory. Primary, secondary…it’s all really just another way of saying ‘F**k Buddy’ ‘Friends with Benefits’ ‘Other Woman/Other Man’ or ‘Strange’ on the day planner of the cheater in a monogamous marriage when one partner hasn’t agreed to open it.
If you’re this upset and it is destroying your health, your life…and he doesn’t appear to care, it may be time to find an attorney and discuss divorce. No one should have to live the way you are living.
@Eddie It doesn’t sound as if she’s agreed to this arrangement though. Therapy, anti-depressants and endless crying doesn’t sound as if she’s embraced her husband’s new poly lifestyle. It doesn’t sound as if her husband gives a damn about her feelings due to his decision.
His behavior says that he has wanted to screw other women for quite some time and the concept of polyamory gave him a way to have his affairs without having to admit that he’s cheating on his wife.
She is going through all the same emotions that a Betrayed Spouse would go through upon discovering her spouse has had an affair.
Both partners must want to open the relationship up to other people for it to be agreed upon and allowed, not just a man letting his testosterone make his decisions.
Hii, I Love You.
I’ve always thought it was silly, the idea of relationships when humanity is so sexually driven. we feel like the status of the relationship is normal, and requires declaration. I don’t think there are many people who are OK by themselves at all, let alone capable of a real functional relationship as they’ve been taught to think of it. Marriage is stupid, but we want to be wanted. We want to be thought above others, We want to feel claimed. And at the same time we want more of everything else too, the continually unhappy person, who puts on a smile and goes through the motions, and doesn’t even know they are unhappy… They certainly don’t like to think of it or be reminded of it. This is what most people are, their whole lives.
But then, I see both sides of it, Chanted harshly by the gay community at large. “It’s just sex!” like it’s not a big deal. and really, it isn’t… it’s stupid, sex is retarded. Just look at it. Repetitive mechanical action, licking, grabbing, pulling and squeezing til oh, oh 30 seconds or less of intense pleasure and then you’re too sensitive to go on and don’t want it anymore, you even feel a little stupid for wanting it. Attraction being what it is, of course there’s a lot of people you will or won’t find appealing. But when we carry this into a relationship, knowingly or not, we just can’t believe the other person thinks any differently.
On the other hand, the desire for security and comfort, is powerful, and so many emotions get transposed onto relationships or our partners because of this.
We want it all and we don’t like thinking about why we want it at all and we’ll be really upset if you don’t let us have it. Though, I don’t think people are generally malicious in thinking that way, they don’t really want to hurt you, but it’s more than fear of intimacy and closeness, it’s mortality. Life and death and the strange feelings we have because of sex and its proximity to life and death. Sex is not love and love is not sex and neither is marriage either. Our societies are the main problem, and it’s actually getting worse. No matter what you do, you’re doing it wrong and you should feel bad. You’re too needy, you’re too distant, you’re too emotional, you’re a dead fish, I’m not a lover, I’m not a loner, I can do better, I don’t deserve this, will you just tell me everything will be alright? I don’t want to think about it at all. I’m supposed to be happy. I hate you, i hate myself, will you make it better?
Are you sure you even want that?
How did it get this way?
I have an idea…