How to Stop Feeling Triggered by Your Partner
In my last blog, I wrote about some of the psychological reasons we get triggered by our partner in a relationship. I explored why tensions can rise so quickly, and things can feel heated before either person has a chance to understand what’s going on. These conflicts can be fraught enough for some people to end the relationship. Others may seek counseling. Yet, many couples just fall into a pattern of fight, make up, move on, fight, make up, move on, which only leaves tensions to build and triggers to become more sensitive.
What many of us aren’t aware of when we feel triggered by our partner is that our own personal history as well as a “critical inner voice” in our heads is impacting what triggered us and why. While exploring these early influences can change how we feel and interact in our relationships, there are also strategies we can adopt here and now to help us when we get stirred up by our partner. No matter what we feel in a given moment, we can learn to react in healthier ways that don’t do lasting damage to ourselves, our partner, or our loving feelings in the relationship.
1. Learn your triggers
We can start by learning our triggers. This may sound obvious, but many times when we feel overly reactive or frustrated by our partner, we aren’t entirely sure why we’re so worked up. Moreover, we fail to ask ourselves, “Why am I so reactive to that particular behavior by my partner? Why does that one thing bother me so much?” It’s also valuable to notice the specific actions, tone, and words that set us off, so we can start to discern the roots of our reactions.
For example, a man I spoke to described feeling shame whenever his wife offered him advice. He’d feel embarrassed and condescended to, and would usually react defensively. Another woman recently told me how infuriated she felt whenever her partner would bring up an unrelated topic in the middle of a conversation. She felt he wasn’t paying attention, and that she didn’t matter to him. In both cases, the painful feelings being triggered almost always led to tense interactions.
Noticing the kinds of things that trigger us offers us insight into ourselves and our past. In order to explore this further, we can sit with the feelings when they get triggered and do what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls SIFTing the mind for any Sensations, Images, Feelings, or Thoughts that arise. By doing this, we can get clues about the early childhood experiences that were the original source of our strong emotional reactions. Becoming aware of the source of our oversized reactions allows us to be more mindful and not take them out on our partner. We will be less critical of our partner and also feel more compassion for ourselves.
2. Pay attention to your critical inner voice
As we get to know our triggers, we should be equally aware of the critical inner voice, or negative internal commentary that’s filling our heads when we feel stirred up. For example, when I asked the man mentioned above what he was telling himself when his wife gave him instructions, he described having thoughts like: She thinks you’re an idiot! This is so humiliating. You should just sink into the floor. Who does she think she is anyway? You must look so pathetic.
When also asked to reveal her critical inner voices, the woman who hated when her partner would bring up another subject mid-conversation said that, at first, the voices would attack her partner: He is so self-centered. He never listens to you! Why is he changing the subject? But soon, the thoughts shifted to attacks on herself: You’re not important. No one wants to hear what you have to say.
A critical inner voice can be like a distorting filter through which we process what’s going on. Therefore, when we respond to our partner, we’re not just responding to whatever they did or said, but to our inner critic’s interpretation of what’s being conveyed. This critic tends to exaggerate, misinterpret, and hone in on the negative, so noticing it and countering it with a more realistic, compassionate perspective toward both our partner and ourselves is key to not overreacting to our partner.
3. Make connections to the past
Any human being will feel annoyed by their partner controlling, complaining, nagging, or being cold. However, when our emotional reaction to our partner’s behavior feels particularly intense or when our critical inner voice gets especially loud, it’s often a sign that something from our past is being tapped into. As we get to know the content of our critical inner voice and the particular words, actions, and expressions that push our buttons, we can start to make connections to our history.
For example, upon further exploration, the man who attacked himself for being stupid and pathetic when his wife offered him advice felt particularly upset when she looked at him in a way that he perceived as parental or disciplinary. He remembered being scolded by his mom, who often told him how incompetent he was at completing tasks around the house. Along with the scolding, she would instruct him about how to do things the “right” way. His father also gave him long lectures that expressed his underlying disappointment in his son. The feeling of shame being triggered by his wife’s suggestions was very similar to the way he felt as a child being disciplined and lectured to.
The woman who had “voices” that she was unimportant or uninteresting when her partner changed the subject spent a lot of her childhood isolated and quiet. She often felt ignored in her family, who took little interest in what she had to say. When she did speak up, she was often shushed and defined as being temperamental and loud. The anger she felt when her partner interrupted her was intense, because his behavior ignited all those old feelings of being disregarded and unimportant in her family.
4. Sit with the feeling
Relationships are a hotbed for emotions to be awakened. One simple tool we can use when we feel shaken up is to simply pause. Take a few deep breaths before we respond. When there is time, we should try to sift our minds to explore the sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts that arose in the interaction. We can use Siegel’s other acronym COAL to be Curious, Open, Accepting, and Loving toward whatever comes up. By taking a curious, kind, and mindful approach to our reactions, noticing them without allowing them to overpower us, we arm ourselves with a tool that helps us not be a slave to our immediate impulses and reactions.
5. Take control over your half of your half of the dynamic
In relationships, it’s easy to notice the flaws in our partners and want them to change. However, the only person we have the full ability to influence is ourselves. We have 100 percent of the power to change our half of the dynamic. When something our partner does triggers us, we should ask ourselves, “What did I do right before they reacted?” Sometimes the answer will be nothing. However, most of the time, there may be a pattern or behavior we engaged in that was triggering to the other person. Looking at ourselves doesn’t mean we should take all the blame in our relationship or that we are solely responsible for how the other person feels, but this exercise of self-reflection allows us to know ourselves better and challenge any ways of behaving that are hurting ourselves or our partner and could be creating unnecessary distance in the relationship.
6. Collaborative communication
When we start to understand our intensified reactions, we can seek out a more collaborative and forthcoming communication approach with our partner. When couples fight, usually both of them are being triggered. Both have critical inner voices in their heads and old emotions being stirred. The best thing we can do in heated moments is to really listen to our partner. We should try to hear what they’re experiencing, so we can better understand what was going on in their heads and how they perceived the situation. This gives both us and our partner a chance to trace back to the initial trigger that set each of us off. It also allows us to be compassionate toward what our partner is experiencing and to separate what they think and say from the filter of our critical inner voice.
As we take steps to calm ourselves down and understand the internal workings of our reactions, we can extend this compassionate, inquisitive attitude to our partner. We can share with them revelations about why we have certain emotional reactions and encourage them to do the same. When we take a gentler, more honest, open, and vulnerable approach to our partner, we are more likely to get the same response in return. We’re not only less likely to feel triggered so intensely, but we are more likely to challenge negative patterns of defense and shift old dynamics that trigger us in the first place.
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very nice
This helped me so much to understand what went wrong with myself and my partner. I had enough of sleepless nights crying! Thank you so much.
Upon living with each other, my partner and I have fallen into an unhealthy cycle of misunderstandings and failed communication. Reading this helped me understand my triggers and I can start a healing process with my own issues. I hope this is goodbye to that depressed, heart broken, insecure little girl.
I spent my life growing up dreaming of the day that I would be an adult with the ability to enjoy a life free of oppression. It makes sense that I have fallen back into the rut of my childhood with my partner. This article is empowering and I am looking forward to feeling acceptance and freedom once again. I am beginning with being vibrant.
I especially enjoy that this describes ways of healing individually and together if both partners utilize the work. Who we are being regardless of the circumstances is all we can control in an intimate relationship.
Thank you 🌞
This makes so much sense now! My marriage ended because my ex husband couldn’t care less about me when I was triggered. Like, I could say I was triggered, he would say he knew I was triggered, and there was zero compassion for me. He was not going to be responsible for any part of my emotional care. I believed him saying he cared about me, loved me, I mattered so much to him, and I let him sweet-talk me into a 12 year relationship with him while he betrayed me time and time again. And we tried couples counseling, but the counselor took his side, telling me that his boundary violations were like “a St Bernard puppy” and telling him not to bother with me because I’d never be satisfied and that I didn’t know how to be happy. I wish I had had this awareness sooner for my own sake, but I’m so grateful for the supportive man I’m with and the new individual counselor I’m seeing now, so I’ll just have to chalk it up to everything happens for a reason. Lesson learned (finally!).
hi. I get triggered sometimes as many times as 3 times a day at worst, I do interpret my wifes actions negatively and take them very personlly, i know this comes from having very little loving attention during childhood but im in my forties and hate that i have to dig this up, but also hate that my angry reactions are taking their toll on my marriage.
Thank you this helped me understand more about really changing my mind into perspective and really trying to calm down those triggering thoughts of the critical voice that may be causing more tension.
Most women are very miserable as it is these days, and they get very triggered very easily as well. Unlike the past, most women were the very complete opposite of today. They were very old fashioned and real ladies too. What in the world happened to these women today? Oh i know, Feminism.
I never understood why my partner brought out the worst in me. My previous relationships where never like this, but it makes so much sense. I was sexually abused as a child and when I finally opened up to my Father he ignored me and never helped me through it. When I mentioned my past I was told to ” Get over it.” I was silenced as a child. My Father only got his shit together when he met someone. Now when I have the courage to speak up about what’s bothering me my partner is never sympathetic and doesn’t communicate.
What steps do you take when you’re trying to explain to your partner why you’re triggered and what you’d like to do to fix it and they either rehash what you did wrong or tell you that you aren’t getting better at fixing the triggers?
Perhaps your partner is not ready to help you through this process and/or perhaps he is triggered himself. Romantic relationship dynamics are often repeated from childhood relationships -you and your partner may both find traits in each other similar to traits in your caretakers – the good and the bad (the bad ones leading to triggering each other). Perhaps you can take a step back and focus on yourself – make yourself as happy and content with your individual life as possible, continue to work on yourself (as it seems you are doing by reading these sorts of articles!). While you are working on this, if you ever feel triggered, try to imagine a brick wall between you and your partner; or physically distance yourself from him/her and then sit quietly and focus on your senses – what you smell, feel, taste, hear, see… or you can keep yourself busy with crafts or housework until you feel calm again.
I need to find my triggers and work on them. It’s hurting myself and my relationship. I do shit without realizing what I am doing and I need to get it under control. Please help.
Question! What happens if you have made a connection from the past and you can identify exactly where that teacher came from, but you’re still being triggered? What do you do with the info that makes the present day triggers stop?
Amazing article – SO informative
My spouse’s love affair with his mom and sister trigger me. Every highlight of our day and life has to immediately be shared. There is no secret happy moment with in our family every moment is shared. I’ve expressed my annoyance to my husband. Annoyance at his over sharing, he proceeds by asking me if it’s okay to share something immediately after it happens. I have been robbed of happy moments because of this. When I was in labor with my first born, my mother in laws stayed at my house at my husband request. He needed emotional support, my feelings didn’t matter. I was uncomfortable the entire time I was at home waiting to dialate. When we gave birth not even 3 minutes passed before he asked me if he could invite his parents into the room, I said no. He was frustrated and unhappy the entire time . 40 mins of me with my newborn became dreaded 40 mins not having his parents in the room. By the way he invited his mom to stay in our home when we came home with my new born. Per his suggestion she Keeped my baby with her the first night she came home. I’m so resentful of this. When my second baby was born my mother in law was busy in the phone with my husband checking in every 2mins. She wasn’t at the hospital because of Covid and she babysat my first born. Now I am pregnant. He pressured me into telling my in laws I was pregnant in my second month. I didn’t want to share it until I was passed my 1st trimester. We had our first ultrasound and he asked if I could share the image I said no. We have been mad at each other ever since. Honestly, I’m considering leaving the relationship. His need for his mommy has become a thorn in my neck. If it wasn’t for our kids together and me lacking a job at the moment, I’d be considering separating very strongly. This has been ongoing since my marriage day. It’s getting old.
LMAOOOO
The internet has been a blessing and a curse. Online dating apps, men go shopping for women online as do women and very few see another person as a “human being” anymore, it takes time and patience to get to know someone and build a strong bond. People are being treated like “products” that can be easily discarded and we wonder why depression and anxiety is at an all time high???
My husband does that a lot.. you are starting at the right point … acknowledging the problem is the first step to a solution 👍
This is one of the most helpful thing I’ve read about marriage problems .. it made me realize so many things I could of been doing wrong to resolve arguments with my husband, THANK YOU