One of the key signs of a secure and healthy relationship is the ability to be honest. Having a partner with whom we can communicate freely and easily is a fundamental piece of the puzzle when it comes to achieving genuine closeness. It’s also the only way for the person we’re with to truly know… Read more »
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Feeling angry is a universal human phenomenon. It is as basic as feeling hungry, lonely, loving, or tired. -Theodore Rubin “A thought murder a day keeps the doctor away.” What this quote emphasizes is that feeling one’s angry thoughts is a healthy manifestation, whereas the denial or suppression of angry feelings has a pathological effect…. Read more »
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Love — kindness, affection, sensitive attunement, respect, companionship — is not only difficult to find, but is even more challenging for many people to accept and tolerate. In my work with individuals and couples, I have observed countless examples of people reacting angrily when loving responses were directed toward them. One man felt a flash… Read more »
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Fear is the primary enemy to becoming an adult. Psychological defenses that are limiting and to some extent dysfunctional are strengthened and intensified when people become anxious. Yet anxiety states are often reacted to subliminally and defenses are instituted and affect our behavior without conscious awareness. In that sense, you cannot approach your fear directly;… Read more »
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In a previous blog, “Living Life as an Authentic Adult,” I briefly described the reasons why so many people operate as children emotionally and refuse to grow up. I discussed how, to varying degrees, individuals are restricted in their ability to function in an adult mode because of “unresolved childhood trauma and the defenses they… Read more »
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Defenses formed in childhood hurt adult relationships. Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while… Read more »
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It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~ e.e. cummings Most people are unaware that they are conducting their lives more from a child’s frame of reference than in an adult mode. Although men and women mature physically and become more capable in their practical lives, rarely do they achieve… Read more »
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Challenging negative voices is the way to overcome a victimized orientation. Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears. ~ Marcus Aurelius, Meditations One of the principle ways that people mismanage their anger is by playing the role of victim. In a previous blog, “Don’t Play the Victim Game,” I described the characteristics… Read more »
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Outcome studies in psychotherapy have shown that “The therapist is a key change ingredient in most successful therapy.” Researchers have also identified a number of traits in psychotherapists that facilitate clients’ progress and change.* In The Fear of Intimacy, I outlined my approach to psychotherapy and described personal qualities in therapists that I consider essential… Read more »
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