“Nobody Likes Me:” Understanding Loneliness and Self-shame
There is perhaps no more painful thought in the world than that of “nobody likes me.” It’s an easy feeling to indulge and dwell on, a terrible go-to self-attack in low moments when we feel isolated, depressed, anxious or insecure. This feeling has almost no bearing in reality and no purpose other than to deeply wound us and turn us against ourselves and whatever our goals may be. And yet, this exact thought is extremely common to shy people and extroverts alike.
When psychologist Lisa Firestone conducted research using a scale that measured individual’s self-destructive thoughts, she found the most common critical thought people had toward themselves was that they are not like other people. Human beings are a social species, and yet, every one of us feels, on some level, like we just don’t fit in with everyone else.
A recent U.K. study of millions of people found that one in 10 people didn’t feel they had a close friend, while one in five never or rarely felt loved. So, while we may feel alone in thinking “nobody likes me,” we actually have that in common with a staggering number of people in the world. Moreover, what most of us who feel this sense of isolation also fail to realize is that the reason behind it. The way we perceive ourselves as an outcast, rejected, disliked, or cast aside has much less to do with our external circumstances and everything to do with an internal critic we all possess.
What is our “critical inner voice”?
This “critical inner voice” exists in all of us, reminding us constantly that we aren’t good enough and don’t deserve what we want. In her book Yes, Please comedian Amy Poehler described this inner enemy as “a demon voice.” She wrote, “This very patient and determined demon shows up in your bedroom one day and refuses to leave. You are six or twelve or fifteen and you look in the mirror and you hear a voice so awful and mean that it takes your breath away. It tells you that you are fat and ugly and you don’t deserve love. And the scary part is the demon is your own voice.”
The critical inner voice tends to be louder and meaner in some of us than others, and it tends to pick on us more or less at different points in our lives. Yet, one thing’s for sure. As long as we are listening to this dangerous critic that twists our reality, we cannot really trust our own perceptions of what others think of us.
Chances are, it is this destructive “voice” we are hearing every time we tell ourselves, “nobody likes me.” It’s also this voice that instructs us to avoid situations where we’d get to know people. It shuts us up in social situations, makes us nervous, so we don’t act like ourselves. It confuses us with its ceaseless stream of self-shaming observations and self-limiting advice, leaving us anxious and stifled. In turn, it bends us out of shape in such a way that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Once we lose confidence or our sense of self, we’ll no longer act like ourselves. We may even achieve the outcome our critical inner voice warned us about, feeling isolated or finding it difficult to connect with others. “Keep quiet,” the voice barks. “You’ll only embarrass yourself! Don’t you see how stupid you sound? No one wants you around. You don’t add anything. Just be alone! Stop trying. NOBODY LIKES YOU!”
Of course, the critical inner voice isn’t experienced as an actual voice talking to us. It can be a highly subconscious and seamless part of our thought process, making it hard to recognize. Sometimes, it operates like a subtle, shaded filter through which we perceive the world. When someone doesn’t make eye contact with us, it says, “See? He doesn’t like you. He can tell there’s something wrong with you.” When a friend doesn’t text us back right away, it says, “I wonder what she’s thinking. Maybe she’s mad at you. You’re being left out.”
By the time the critical inner voice builds the case of why we’re such losers or no one cares about us, we’ve lost touch with reality, and we blindly move forward believing every negative thought about ourselves that this voice has said to us. We’re so quick to indulge its claims that we mistake them for our real point of view. Because of this, it can be very difficult to notice that this voice has seeped in and even harder to peel away its sadistic coaching from our true perceptions. The best way to start fighting the critical inner voice is, therefore, to do two things: identify when it’s operating and understand where on earth it comes from.
Where does the “voice” that “nobody likes me” come from?
The critical inner voice starts to take shape early in our lives. It’s built out of any hurtful negative attitudes that we were exposed to in childhood, especially from significant caretakers. If a parent thought of us as lazy, helpless or as a troublemaker, for example, we tend to incorporate these attitudes toward ourselves on an unconscious level throughout our lives. We also tend to be influenced by how our parents felt toward themselves, if they felt awkward socially or had low self-esteem, we take on some of their self-critical perceptions as our own. Add to this the many other social experiences we had where we felt put down, shamed or rejected (a teacher who humiliated us in front of our class, a bully at school who put us down on a daily basis), and we can start to see how our inner critic took shape.
Dealing with Isolation and Loneliness
The critical inner voice strongly influences feelings of isolation, loneliness and social anxiety, a subject you can learn more about here. As Dr. Lisa Firestone put it in her article “A Way Out of Loneliness,” “It’s helpful to recognize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately, that mind is, in effect, lying to us.” Being alone isn’t necessarily the issue; it’s the filter of seeing ourselves as alone that must be challenged. People who feel lonely tend to view the world differently. There are even certain structural and biochemical differences in the lonely brain. Some of the psychological effects of feeling lonely include focusing on exclusion instead of inclusion. In other words, we may be far more likely to notice the one time someone doesn’t invite us out versus the five times they did. Another effect is timidity. We may act timid with others, making it more difficult to have a clear or relaxed exchange that would lead to a positive social outcome.
Finally, loneliness can actually lead to misremembering. So, when we think back on our day, we may distort things people said to us or how interactions took place in ways that would perpetuate the perception of ourselves as being isolated.
As loneliness researcher Dr. John T. Cacioppo put it “Lonely individuals are more likely to construe their world as threatening, hold more negative expectations, and interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, off-putting fashion, thereby confirming their construal of the world as threatening and beyond their control.” Once again, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we start to see the world as threatening or not accepting of us, we are much more likely to act in ways that push away or alienate others. So, once again, in order to challenge our loneliness, we have to challenge the negative filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We have to take on our critical inner voice.
Overcoming the Critical Inner Voice
Once we accept that we come by this inner critic honestly, we can start to separate it from our real point of view. We can notice the times it seeps in and tampers with the filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We can then recognize how our actions are affected by this destructive thought process. How is my inner critic actually altering my behavior?
There are five important steps to overcoming this inner critic. These steps comprise a method developed by psychologist and author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice Dr. Robert Firestone known as Voice Therapy. If someone is experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness or social isolation, it can be extremely beneficial to seek therapy. This can help them sort through where their self-shaming feelings come from and how to challenge them. Going through the steps of voice therapy with a trained therapist can have significant benefits. There are also exercises we can practice on our own that can help us to challenge our critical inner voice.
Watch Now: Learn about the psychological roots of loneliness Overcome the critical inner voice that perpetuates feelings of isolation Challenge the psychological defenses that limit…
Start to notice when your thought process shifts and your inner critic starts to invade your mind. Maybe you’re on a date, and it starts in with, “She doesn’t even like you. Why are you wasting your time?” You may be in a meeting, and when you finally speak up, you have a thought like, “You’re not making any sense. Everyone is looking at you. They want you to just shut up.” It’s important to get a hold on what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice is saying to you in those moments.
As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I” statements, i.e. “I’m so boring. No one likes me.” Then next to these voices, write down the thoughts as “you” statements. “You’re so boring. No one likes you.” This actually helps you start to separate and see the voice as an enemy and not the real you.
Step Two: Think about where these critical attitudes come from
When people write down or say their voices out loud, they sometimes have insight into where these mean thoughts originated. Many people even start to imagine the voice as coming from a figure in their lives, a parent who always worried they’d never make friends, for example. Identifying where your voices may have originally formed can help you to have self-compassion and distinguish these old attitudes from your current reality.
Step Three: Talk back to your critical inner voice
This may sound tricky, and this step is often hardest for people, but it is crucial that you stand up for yourself. Vocalize or write down a reply to your critical inner voice. You should aim to take on the perspective you would have toward a good friend. Write down a more compassionate and realistic response to your voice attack, once again, as an “I” statement. “I am not boring. I’m a unique and worthy person who deserves friendship. I have many qualities that many people would appreciate and like.” Don’t listen to the undermining criticisms that come up as you complete this exercise. As Amy Poehler put it “Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works. Even demons gotta sleep.”
Step Four: Think about how your voices affect your actions
As you come to know your voices, you’ll get better at recognizing when they pop up. You can actively try to divert your mind and start to notice how this voice influences your behavior. It may tell you, you’re too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. It may cause you to feel insecure in your relationship, so you find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner. If it tells you the world is rejecting you, you may find yourself acting a bit angrier in your daily interactions or a whole lot meaner to yourself. Try to take note of all the times your critical inner voice is driving your behavior. As you do this, adopt what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a C-O-A-L (curious, open, accepting and loving) attitude toward yourself.
Step Five: Change your behavior
Once you’ve identified them, it’s essential to challenge the behaviors dictated by your inner critic in order to go after what you want in life. So, if your inner critic tells you to stay in seclusion or to keep your mouth shut at a party, uncomfortable as it may feel at first, you have to find a way to not indulge in the behavior. This will only lead you to feel more shame or loneliness. Even if initially you wind up feeling embarrassed or not quite yourself when you act against your voice, you should remember to practice self-compassion. Challenging your voices will stir up anxiety and changing a behavior pattern can make the voice seem louder at first. However, the more actions you take against your inner critic, the more confident you’ll become. This voice will eventually fade into the background.
If, in this process, you find yourself having thoughts like, “Yeah right. My voices are right about me,” remember that pretty much everyone feels this exact way at some point or another. Most people feel like an outcast on some level. Challenging this precise feeling is what will lead you to get what you want in life. It will allow you to shed layers that keep you from feeling yourself. No matter what your inner critic is telling you or using to reinforce its arguments that you’re different or unworthy, you can find ways to access the strength to calmly quiet this destructive coaching and be persistent in moving toward your goals. Slowly but surely you’re inner critic will weaken. Your real self will become stronger, more vibrant, better known, understood and accessible to the world around you.
If you or someone you know is in crisis or in need of immediate help, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This is a free hotline available 24 hours a day to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.
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nnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooo i dont need ANYYYYYY of thissssssssssss
I loved reading this! I knew I wasn’t alone and self esteem and self worth fluctuates a lot, especially since the world we live in is so uncertain. Nothing is for sure. I’m at a tough place in my life right now but I won’t be hard on myself. I love myself even if I’m not rich or have a ton of money. It is what it is right now. I don’t like it but it happens to everyone I’m sure. I will have compassion for myself.
I am very excited about this website. It has been very helpful. May God bless you
Thanks for your article on the critical inner voice. Never really thought of it as a demon but that’s a Good analogy . Something or someone that causes harm chaos. Thank you and God Bless. Val
yeah — and what do you do when your own mother tells you point blank and directly that nobody in the family likes you? And that your kids don’t get invited places because nobody wants YOU around?
No one likes me 🙁
Find people that do like you.
Even if it’s just a little more than your mom does.
I didn’t say it was an easy solution, Elizabeth
I like you Jamil
Ok Seriously, what about when I think everything is great. I mean I’m friendly, nice to people and think I’m part of the group and then find out I am not invited to anything, then people stop talking to me and I’m the outcast once again. this has happened all my life. I don’t go into a situation thinking no one likes me … it just happens. Again… This as happened all my life! I think I have a deep dark ugliness side that people see and don’t want me around.
thats my story..
That has been my experience too, my whole life. Like you, I go in hopeful and happy, and later find I’m not included. In my twenties and thirties, I discovered my sibling and parents had been on vacations without me. Wow.
No matter how others perceive you, your most important job is to figure out how you truly perceive yourself. Only then can you see the reality of how people REALLY see you. Trust me, I’m going through it too. It seems my most avid bedtime routine here lately has been, Step 1- put on PJs. Step 2- cry. I just have to keep telling myself that nobody is worth my pain, and then I can finally get some rest. God bless Jamil. ❤️
I feel the exact same way. I’m not shy but I’m not obnoxious. I smile at everyone and I go into situations feeling positive and confident- not overly- yet no one includes me in anything. I have a cousin who outwardly fights with other family, always putting in her 2 cents, completely treats people like crap yet she’s always invited and I’m not. I’ve narrowed it down to maybe I’m not ‘real enough’ with people. I always notice it’s the rude demanding people who always get noticed and have everyone trying to please them. Me, I’m too timid and nice I guess. I don’t demand things of others so maybe that’s it. I need to start being a jerk in order to dazzle people and leave some sort of lasting impression.
What about if you are really lonely and it is not only a state of mind? There are a lot of people around me and I can get them like me if I want to. But they’re so different from me, they don’t like the things I like, they are not interested in the thing I’m interested to.. so I lie to hang out with someone, to be liked by them, to be “social” and “friendly” but that doesn’t help with the fact that nobody understands me when I talk about what I really care, the only thing I can do is talk about what they like, which doesn’t solve the problem: I’m not shy and I’m not introverted but I am lonely and it doesn’t depend on me.
My band is Annie and 45. My whole life I felt that there was something seriously wrong with me that everybody knew about but know one talks about. As a kid I was a straight A student but my family always talked about how bright and smart is my older brother is and they always said that I’m a very hard worker. I was never popular but had some friends. I did sports and piano too. In my team no girls ever talk to me, I was very lonely so I quit. I moved to US when I was 17. I wanted to become a physician to prove to the world and my family that I worth something but my family said it would be very difficult for me since I don’t speak the language. I finished my BS in biology and got into pharmacy school and got my doctorate degree there. Everybody was impressed and happy but still my brother was the smart one even though he didn’t finish his college and opened his own business. Now I work as a consultant pharmacist but again I don’t get any attention or respect from anybody. People sitting next to my ask about medications from someone else and ignoring me as a drug expert. Recently our friend finish her nursing degree which is only 2 year program and all of the sudden everybody listens to her advise and completely ignoring me. It hurts me to my bones that the amount of schooling I did (8 years), passing very hard board exam that only 60% pass and still I have zero respect or recognition. Sometimes it brings a teat to my eyes. I know and feel very competent and my decisions always been excellent in my career but somehow people just ignore me. I don’t have friends or very few and sometimes I feel my daughter doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be next to me. I always have negative thoughts and visions and always imagine the worse. I have been devolved for 6 years and no one asked me out. I’m financially very stable. educated, very slim and look much younger than my age. People sometimes think me and my 13 year old daughter ate sisters. I try to read and educate myself, increase my self esteem, be positive but nothing changes in my life. I cry sometimes because I feel very very lonely insight. I try very hard to please everybody all the time. I take my parents and my daughter to Europe every year for vacation, I put my daughter to private school since she was pre-schooler , I try to surprise my family with nice gifts but inside I feel very empty. There is nothing in my life that gives me back something. My parents do their best for me, help me with my daughter and give me love but I still feel very empty. I am very tiered and lonely, don’t know how I need to change myself. I think not being able to meet any guy who would show an interest in my really bothers me a lot. I even try on line dating even though it’s against my principals. When I go to parties or professional mixers I stay completely invisible. No one talks to me or approaches me even though I think I’m very cute Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I already tried auto suggestion that I am pretty and smart and well deserved but the reality shows me something very different.
Annie,
My heart breaks for you as I read your words. I was struck by the eighteenth sentence you wrote above – if that is true, you might be interested in this article about the scientifically-supported study of positive emotions and thought, and your power over creating them. I know there is a lot more to you than what you wrote, so I can’t pretend to know the real you and I don’t know if this will strike a chord with you, but from what you shared in that eighteenth sentence, I think this could help you. Good luck and much love.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3512202.html
I appreciate your help and I am willing to do anything that can help me. Thank I again!!!
Annie,
I’m no expert, but with your brains and accomplishments, I’m afraid people are simply intimidated by your mere existence. I would say that your greatness is hard for the average person to be around, and, although unintentional, you surface their deepest insecurities. When they compare themselves to you, they feel bad about themselves, which makes you feel bad about yourself. Makes sense?
Thank you for your kinds thought however I am afraid those are not true. Most people don’t know or don’t even know what I do or who I’m. Most of the time I’m invisible or people just ignore me. I don’t feel people hate me so much, rather just ignore me. Sonetimes I feel I’m getting on people’s nurves, if I’m very boring or annoying person. I have tried every kind of literature and outogussestion but I feel nothing is helping me how I feel. Again, I would like to thank you for your thoughts and hope one day I will figure out what is wrong with me.
I feel that everyone I am around (family included) tries to bring me down. I’m so grounded by negative thoughts and I feel that I have no control over it. Previous ‘friends’ would ignore me unless they needed something so I don’t make friends, I don’t socialize, I spend most days inside watching Television 24\7 and trying to seek my flaws. I have constant hate from my family. They call me lazy, selfish, etc. I didn’t realize it…but like the article said, the repetition lead me to become these things even more. I feel like I can’t control myself, I feel like I can’t get help without the fear of being heavily judged, or laughed at.
Try new palces, new people, new activities, new friendes.. Get distracted from who around you, get bussy, be happy you deserve it! :))
Annie..you are a great person wit wonderful insight and compassion. Please know that you DO make a difference in this world…
Wow. It sounds like you’re writing about me! I’m not extremely outgoing but I was never antisocial either. I’m all for going out or having drinks and dancing. I love having fun. I also enjoy staying in and watching movies and taking. Now I’m 30 and have a child. I would like adult company sometimes. I hardly ever get invited to do things and I have realized that now I have became antisocial bc I feel like people don’t include me bc they don’t like me. It hurts my feelings when I find out about my family going on vacations or friends getting together but I was never included. Now I just keep to myself all the time even though I really want to be included. It had gotten to where I don’t get bothered by it too much anymore bc I spend most of my time with my child. When I work I have no problem cutting up with people and building relationships. But it ends there. No one talks to me outside of work or away from social media. I feel like an outcast and that no one really cares at all.
I discovered how many family gatherings I was excluded from while going through the stuff in my late aunt’s apartment. I have been told by many people who evidently just wanted to be malicious in the course of a disagreement we were having that “nobody likes you”. These same people then have the nerve to criticize me for being depressed.
I am a lonely person and I don’t have family members or relatives. I really mean it, I don’t have family or relatives. I’m 34 years old and I just think people don’t like me. I feel like people tend to seek friendship with other who have a crowd around them. My loneliness is working against my chances finding friends. Living in the crazy and crowded world, knowing that you don’t have anyone to speak to and share time with really hurts.
I like you Jamil
Me too , what a relief to fi d this and the comments , might be hope yet.
Jamie you are Beautiful you
That’s how I feel lots of times. My family see me as a problem , now I am at uni , it’s like they want me to stay and never darken their doorstep again , I am doing ver well at uni , but I am so lonely soo lonely , this can’t be normal . I feel for you , the only thing my family value about me , is that they got rid of me . I just keep studying . Think of going to town where no one knows me at the end when I graduate. Sorry you so lonely , xx Kim
Oh I do relate to you , we try but would like to be heard too . What we think and feel really matters , I often end up hearing problems and I really care and give attention but when I need some human interaction it’s just not available. People say ‘ oh your so strong etc ‘ if only they knew , I am same , I need people interested in me too . It’s a one way ticket, I always act caring and interested but no one interested in me at all.
Oh hi Fred , I understand , it really sucks hey , really hurts . It’s so empty when we don’t matter to anyone, and I often wonder why my life since a kid has been a lonely one . Always solitary, always alone , I can’t stand it anymore , glad I found this site , I was in sheer desperation last night . I u d’état and where you are at and thanks for sharing . Makes it easier to tell the truth of how things are not so good for us , instead of pretending . Thanks again for your touching post , Kim
Oh hi Fred , I understand , it really sucks hey , really hurts . It’s so empty when we don’t matter to anyone, and I often wonder why my life since a kid has been a lonely one . Always solitary, always alone , I can’t stand it anymore , glad I found this site , I was in sheer desperation last night .
I am the only one who pays any attention to me. I have a new friend now, thin as air, I named her Radzi, who sits across the table from me and listens to me. Doesn’t tell me I’m wrong all the time or, “you are wrong and let me tell you why. Radzi seems to know how I feel and doesn’t dispute it. Opinions etc may be “wrong” but my feelings are mine and don’t need to be judged by others.
Me too I like you for being so honest .
Are we the black sheep , I feel same as you ladies . I wonder what I do wrong , and now I’m older , I presume I am a loner. Like who would pick to be a loner , but it’s all I can come up with.
I would join interest groups that i truly like/love such as hiking, singing, book reading, whatever your interests, but start with also that have a good ratio of both men and women. Perhaps you can start one on your own (this what I’ve done, started some meetups, though many don’t pan out, but if your interests are general, I’m sure there is already a meetup out there, at least in bigger towns and most cities in N. America.
It’s also possible that since you seem to be a “hard worker” maybe be you are playing it too hard to meet without YOU realizing it, which can be a turn off to most. Accepting yourself as normal human who like to be part of human community, there is no shame in showing interests, even when it misfires. as a hard worker people sometime tend to ignore what is outwardly (in appearance) attractive. You know the nerdy king, the engineers and computer scientists. Yes I’m one in that category.
I’d not worry too much about my own family especially if do not find anything in you for their disdain or indifference. There are lots of people who gravitate toward each other for reasons that may be mysterious even to themselves. You can’t fix others, live YOUR life first. That’s what you owe most.
Lastly, check out with a psychologist if you can afford it for a few hundred bucks, if it really bothers you why you are seen invisible.
Good luck.
Yep always felt that way too…like there’s just SOMETHING not right with me thats a put off to most people .
Im actually surprised how many people feel the way i do. Im a friendly person who’s not exactly an extrovert, but im not afraid to start a conversation with someone i just met.
but these awfull negative constant thoughts of inadequatecy are echoed in my brain on a regular basis. Once in a while i feel good for no reason, and i just accept it and savor those moments.
even though they’re rare. I look forward to reading more and learning how to silence the negative self hatred.
Remember how people at school would gather around a victim and bully them? How everyone snubbed the unfortunate person because it was uncool to befriend them? Well these same people grew up to become the adults of today. They carried the same nagative values into adult life, the same mental idea that it is okay to tread on other people to remain popular, to reach the top – and that is exactly where they are! I was one of those victims. Take a step back and consider modern behaviour in adults today: A spoiled generation who care little about everything from environmental destruction to the well-being of their own children. A throw-away age that also includes people. I’m not sure if I like them, let alone the other way round.
I really appreciate your advise and recommendations. I think you are absolutely right about me trying hard. I try hard meeting people, I try hard pleasing people. I have also tried therapy but I really didn’t get much out if it. Thanks again.
I don’t think you should ever change who you are just because other people don’t like you. In fact, I think they should change.
The voice depends on the person. This article is not accurate.
Like me… please….
Me too
I would stay away from such toxic mother & family.
Sometimes people can’t see our light but it doesn’t mean that we don’t shine.
Don’t waste your light on people who love darkness.
This happens to me too.
Sometimes the nice looking people are perceived as “scary” or threatening. You may look so confident that people are afraid to approach you. Could this be the case?
am so lonely! no matter what i do.. there is this emptiness in me..cant seem to feel the void! No man wants to stay with me, despite all my efforts. They seem to b crazy about me and then all of a sudden.. they walk without looking back!! The wicked thought am going to die lonely and afraid keeps reoccurring!!
This article does an admirably accurate job describing how awful this experience feels emotionally. But a better approach to the “inner critic” for many of us is not doing battle with it, but understanding its self-protective origins, and trying to work compassionately with it. Internal Family Systems therapy is the go-to paradigm; it’s a way of moving closer to aspects of ourselves that originated as proactive defenses to childhood threats, but which now cause trouble for us. To me, this makes a lot more organic sense than doing battle with ourselves. Most of us have had enough of that– and these aspects are trying to help us, not hurt us.
I’m so glad I’m not alone! I’m 43, single, have a son who is 18 and no other family. My mother died 3 years ago and I have no contact with my father. Romantic relationships don’t seem to work out and I’ve been single for years. I have very few friends and am becoming so lonely I just wish life would hurry up and end. I work full time and even though my manager and team mates always praise me I feel excluded and different and the more lonely I become the more difficult I find it to talk to people. I spend most weekends alone in the house. I Found out through facebook that 3 friends went out for the day and didn’t invite me even though they know I’m lonely so this has devastated me.
I feel this same way. However thinking about it I am realizing that is where my inner critic is coming from. All the family outings I was excluded from and the way my family makes me feel like an outcast with their words and behaviors.
I would like to be done letting my family’s oppinion of me ruin my happiness. I am now determined to prove my inner critic wrong!
I also have been considering that when I go into a situation hoping for the best and being friendly and really trying only to be left out and isolated once again…it is highly possible that I am projecting my feeling of dislike toward the new people. Thinking back on the situations it only ever seems to happen when I myself dont enjoy the particular group I am trying to be a part of.
Where and how do you find no friends? I don’t have a job or really go near social situations. Most people already have their friends
I have borderline personality disorder and the voice has completely taken over. It keeps me inside a lot of the time and I have no opportunities to make friends. I don’t have a job and my family don’t really contact me even though I’m pregnant. My boyfriend has had enough and he’s ended up depressed because of me. I am empty, lost and most of all I’ve lost my personality.
Lournik,
You are understood, at least, by me. I know it’s the opposite of an ideal situation, but somehow I happen to find your comment refreshing. People create their image of the “average lonely person” and stories like yours aren’t heard that often.
I didn’t realize there were other people like me! I have had the same experiences in life. I’m friendly and smile a lot but am never included. At work people will talk about going to happy hour right in front of me and never invite me! Right now my boss only included my coworker in meetings, planning, and we do the same exact job. I recently found out that I am on the autism spectrum, high functioning, what used to be called asberger syndrome. I have a heck of a time connecting with people. I too noticed that some people who no one likes because of bad behavior are included. I think it is because while they r annoying, they are real, alive, and connecting with others. Knowing there is a reason for my angst has helped.
Wow…and I thought I was possesed or that I had a sign on my back that warned others to stay away from me! Well I feel better now knowing that all you good and sensitive people are senceing what I am. I overheard my girlfriend tell her sister that “no one likes me”. For years I have made myself available for errands and household repairs only to discover that my suspicions were correct..I WAS being snubbed. Snobby cliques enpower themselves by ostricising others with talents they themselves don’t have. So I discovered that my inner self respect was being replaced by an inner being that was insecure and lonely. As I thought back I realized that I was not imagining the snide remarks, uninvites, and dismissive gestures that I’m sure you all are familiar with. Make no mistake…there are really mean people in this world that can really mess with your head, and these types travel in groups. After hundreds of hours of crying and self-defamation my once courageous self voice emerged and I knew I was wrong to blame myself for another’s betrayal. My so-called girlfriend must be really insecure if she must team up with her control freak siblings in badmouthing me behind my back. It hurt…a lot. For what its worth…Try with all your loving might to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you and respects you…that person is first and foremost YOU. I doubted myself and really believed that I was less valuable than those around me. I cried. I withdrew. My mind went to dark and self destructive places. As a Christian I prayed but I could not feel better about being me. Slowly the haze started to clear as I learned to not feel responsible for the captious comments of others. I am still insecure and can be withdrawn and am still healing, that’s why I searched online and found this amazing site. I have never had therapy and I personally don’t do drugs of any kind. What I do now is consider the source of my hurt feelings. I am responsible for alot of them but not all, and I am careful of what I take serious when I hear vicious rumors. Thanks for sharing…You are all in my prayers.
No one like me too but my sister is so lucky and have lots of friend
Thanks
srsly this one help me a lot
Same I have no friends
What you wrote is almost exactly how I feel too! I am certainly not perfect, but I perceive myself as a genuine, courteous, kind, generous person with a healthy sense of humor. I love to laugh with others (not at others). I also perceive that most of the time when I attempt to interact with a group of people that I am always the one no one cares to listen too. I am careful not to dominate but if I speak even three words, someone will always interrupt me and it is as if I am just a ghost nobody notices. But I have tried being obnoxious to see if that would get me heard at least…but the reaction from the group when I do that is someone calls me out to put me in my place and I end up humiliated. Then feel really stupid for acting obnoxious against my nature. When I simply raise my voice to be heard I feel that people are looking at me like I am some kind of freak.
I just recently moved away from home and started college. It is the end of my first semester away at college and I feel very very lonely, anxious, and depressed. Being in a whole new surrounding with new people makes me anxious and also makes me realize that I have had this inner voice my whole life. It bothers me to no end when someone doesn’t invite me somewhere or gives me a slightly wrong look I assume the worst. No one I know here understands this I don’t even understand it but every time I am alone with someone I get anxious and feel like anything I say will be wrong and awkward. I was popular in high school and had a lot of friends but it still bothered me a lot when no one invited me anywhere, I just felt worthless and like they purposely didn’t invite me. I do meet with a therapist but I even have this voice when talking to her, it tells me that she won’t understand and that she will think im making it up just to get medicine or something. I cry almost every night after any gathering with friends, I’m in a terrible place in my life right now and I feel so lost, I do not know what to do
No one wants me around including my wife of 25 yrs. Because of ankle back & knee cronich problems they say wanting to go places with them is selfish they say I only want to go to make them feel bad when l only want to go to be involved?in other words I meen nothing to my wife and kids or anyone else in the family we used to have so much fun before i had so many problems at age 50 im no good to anyone anymore?
Invisible in a conventional context … always seconds at work, social & family whatever the occasion they just put up with me. I do have various sensory disabilities so folk just nix even the educational psychologist said I was a social isolate at 8 years old with few friends with a very low sense of belonging & unfortunately this pattern has remained whilst opportunities are not a given. So what became of this I gave up ever being too close, that’s not to say I’m unfriendly just extremely independent & quite happy in my own company I won’t waste time to take on anymore hurt. By the way some of the best stuff achieved happens when one goes alone whilst the ‘cost’ can be bitter sweet but even in the quiet or loud of deliverance is more of a keeper. Yet I wonder about the price to pay for my present when I feel I’m running out of time as I have had to lead a practical working life of survival that has being void of inclusion voice as it’s participation requires the expression & control stemming from others that I could have been a robot.
Sucks to grow old all Alone especially when you’re very Unlucky in love with No One to share your life with. And many of us Good men really Hate being Single too.
Annie: I was you. You must dedicate your life to change. Inner work comes first. You are not the opinions of others. Happiness is (mostly) a choice. There are endless battles to be fought, and many people quit after just losing one. Persistence is key. You can reprogram habits and better perspectives into your mind within several months. I was lazy for years and didn’t think I could change my negative thinking. When I had enough, and dedicated every single moment, right now, to being in control of my thoughts and emotions, I started seeing real results. My depression and social anxiety is normal now. I am much healthier in ever aspect because I do the work to get that health.. and health is so underrated. I welcome challenges. I found peace and self-love.. confidence. However, I can’t tell you my relationships changed. I am still invisible. I just find I don’t really care about that anymore. I never fit in with those people anyway. It was a grass-is-greener deal, and for me, at least, it wasn’t. I don’t need people to be happy. But I am a human like everyone else, and although introverted, I do enjoy the company of others at times. That is normal. So I understand the frustration. Human beings get really out of whack when it comes to seeking social worth, but in the end, as valuable as it can be, it is still an illusion. You decide your worth. You must learn to be a warrior of life and enjoy it, and you can, but you have to dig deep down and do a lot of introspection. Sounds like you put a lot of your worth into the opinions of your parents, comparing yourself to your brother, and mixed with a lot of real or delusion when it comes to the opinions of others. Understand deep in your soul: you are not the opinions of others. Put on a happy song, think back to one of your happier times.. do you not smile? That’s your power. Use it every day for the rest of your life.
You are not the opinions of others, even your parents. Once that axiom sinks in, it’s a lot easier to get away from the TV and start reprogramming your mind with healthy stuff and dealing with your flaws proactively.
You’re worth more than that William!
Sir/madam
I feel so lonely. I m pursuing degree course i dnt like to meet relatives.It make me feel they will ask questions or what they want.I feel so i think because i m nt beautiful nt yet got a degree i older than my freinds.
Elizabeth, that is called verbal abuse. Either that, or you have very poor social understanding and act in a way that makes people afraid of you etc. If that is the case, you can learn. Nobody is born with social skills, we all learn them from somewhere. Socially fluent people actually study it under a master or go to school to master their emotional intelligence skills!
You’re probably socially awkward in some way. You’re infringing on social rules that most people pick up as children/teens. Of males, a very large part of the nerdier/more quiet ones suffer from this at least part of their life!
Lounik, try to get away from having to lie. Friends don’t need to have same interests as you—As long as they have same life values as you. Its very common to not find peers who are “exactly” like you. Remember that humans used to live in groups of 100 or less—Imagine how few people of our age group there used to be! Now we at least have internet so you can discuss your interest in a group or something.
It makes me feel so much better to see that so many other good people have had similar experiences. Even right now my critical voice says “But you are not like them. In a world of all the lonely people that are outcast, you would be lonely and outcast” but this article and these comments have given me lots of tools for changing my thinking!
I do want to throw in that if you are friendly and nice and positive and people still seem to avoid inviting you in, it may be the very fact that you feel you need so much for them to like you. People sense that and they may become afraid, consciously or not, that if they give you reassurance you will cling to them and demand more and more, which is very daunting if they are already having to work hard to maintain their own confidence. In this case the key to making friends would be to cure your emotional dependency, give YOURSELF all the love and acceptance you need so that instead of begging it from others you can GIVE them love and kindness. Then all will be attracted to you!
Just a thought, but I believe it’s the truth and I’m going to work on it.
I think standing up to your inner critical voice and contradicting it really does help, if you can find a way (no matter how teeny tiny) in which the positive words you say are true, and feel their truth, that thought will expand until it is not so tiny anymore 🙂
Sorry for long comment.
You know what’s worse? When strangers confirm that evil “inner voice” – when they laugh at you TO YOUR FACE at how ugly you are (it’s happened to me five times since I was 12, and, yes, each of those five times was when I happened to not have time to put makeup on). I am so apparently UGLY that those men not only felt the need to laugh at me whilst looking at me, but point at me too whilst saying nasty, hurtful things. It’s been 19 years since the first time, and I still remember the exact moment they looked at me and laughed at me and said how it was “such a shame” I wasn’t as attractive as the other girl they’d just talked to. Makeup is my mask. What chance do I have to even get a guy to like me, if they judge me immediately based if I’m a “10/10” or not? Men only want beautiful, perfect, pretty, stunning women – women like me, who can only look ok with makeup, don’t stand a chance in hell. So it’s not always that “inner voice” that plagues us. Sometimes it’s just the truth of who we are – we simply are truly that ugly, that unattractive, that less-than-100% perfect, that means people, especially men, don’t like us, won’t even give us the time of day, won’t even deign to spit on our shoes, because we’re not even enough to get past that first social hurdle of looks. If only I were even slightly pretty, maybe then I could start to get close to someone to stand the chance of them seeing me for me. As it is, I don’t stand a chance.
I hear you! I am the same way. I always go out of my way to be helpful, considerate to others. But it is never ever returned because people aren’t as ‘in tune’ as I am as an empath. I feel that is is very easy for people to abuse this strength of ours. Cause that is how I see it, a curse, and a strength at the same time. I am currently in a rough situation after coming out of a 12yr relationship that left me completely drained and empty. I can’t seem to shake all the negative things that my ex constantly fed me, and feel very unworthy and unlovable. I am reaching out to my family as I feel so unloved, but they can’t be bothered to call me on their own initiative, which is what I asked for. Any contact that I have with them is because I initiate it. It makes me feel even more unloved. And when they know I am feeling down, they don’t want to hear it, which just adds to this spiral. It makes me incredibly said that the only emotional outlet available to me, is one that I need to pay for:-(
Hi,
I’m a newley wed who has never felt more alone, than being single. I feel soo unwanted unloved and useless my husband has an OCD problem he fights with me everyday over household chores, he makes me feel like i can do nothing right. I really try to hard to be a good wife give him all the love and support. When i try show him affection he always pulls away. we don’t have a physical relationship. Because of this i feel soo lonely, unwanted and useless. I even pray i wasn’t alive. I’m scared that our marriage is beyond repair. Before we were married everything was perfect he was loving and caring. I thought i have found someone that would make me feel special, loved. All my life i felt unwanted useless ugly and worthless and after being married all those feelings have crept back. I am ashamed to tell my family i don’t want to disappoint them. since our wedding my husband family and mine have not got on well an incident happened on wedding with was unintentional has caused soo much stress my in laws have no relationship with me or my husband and our arguments always boils down to this. We argue all the time its physically draining. I am kidding myself thinking our marriage can be salvaged? I see my friends who are married settled seem soo happy me and my husband do nothing together only shopping and household of chores he doesn’t take me anywhere or ever surprised me i have to plan everything including my bday he never gets me anything he doesn’t even know what i like? I feel so isolated
Same as me we can relate
Elizabeth, I know exactly how you feel! my mother has done the exact same thing to me and my son! It hurts deeply! I can’t tell you not to let it affect you, because it will, and it has! No parent should ever be so mean and spiteful, but in reality it happens! These are known as Toxic people! They are set on destruction! Please believe me when I tell you from experience, you are better than they are! You have to believe in yourself and your kids! Hold your head up high!
A lot of what I have read in the lead article I can definitely relate to, the self-doubt and circumstances under which it arises. I’ve probably known this stuff for decades, (I’m now 67) and some of the causes, such as always feeling I am the ‘odd one out’ because of being born with a couple of physical disabilities, (both mainly invisible) one of which I am a proud I survived from and own up to, whilst the other I am always ashamed of. My first school was for the disabled, was miles away from where I lived so I boarded there and I didn’t feel I belonged there because my disabilities were less than others around me; The second school was a conventional one, where I was continually wondering, ‘Do I own up to other people or will I just get mocked and worse?’ – I had seen the impact that verbal abuse had had on other kids at my previous school – ‘Are people saying things about me behind my back?’ If I ask, will that mean I have to own up to what they don’t actually know about (the one I am ashamed of) and then have to live with the consequences of telling them? I decided to keep quiet.
It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s that I managed to get my head around if I was or wasn’t entitled to consider myself ‘disabled’ and until I had problems with one of my feet, (leading to it being amputated) that I felt I was ‘disabled’.
I don’t find socialising easy, used to ride motorcycles and took up hobbies that didn’t require me to get involved with other people. In short, I had and still am, a loner. I wish someone would point out what I’m doing ‘wrong’ when I interact with other people, I feel that I’ve managed to withdraw myself to the point that I just come across as someone who isn’t approachable, or maybe I just don’t recognise the non-verbal signals that people use, and because I don’t respond to them, I’m considered as someone who keeps everyone at arms-length. It does seem to me that I have placed an invisible barrier around myself which people think I won’t let them past. Having said that, if people need help and advice I am willing to offer it, but if the advice sought is of an emotional nature, I’ll be a completely practical and logical reply, probably because I’m not one of those ‘touchy-feely’ types of people with a wealth of interacting with other people to draw on and base my considered responses upon. Some people say that I am soo emotionally detached and laid back that I’m virtually lying down! I wish I wasn’t like this, but I suppose how life in general, has impacted on me, I come across as this kind of person.
I don’t expect relating this, is going to help me and I’m not looking for sympathy; I need someone who will personally show and tell me what I’m not doing ‘right’, but no-one I know is willing to point out my socialising flaws as I commit them. I suppose I will always be as I am, maybe the feeling I have about myself are ingrained just too deep.
I totally feel what your feeling… & have done what you’ve done pretty much all my life… when I think about it. So I thought I would create my own family unit like my sister who is the favourite…& thought my Mum would be proud of me, & spend time with me like she did with my sister…but she didn’t dispite being a short bus ride away. I lived on the same road as an aunt, my Dad would visit his sister and wouldn’t visit me dispite being a teenage Mum. I moved away & focused on my child and my relationship, but still a commutable distance (1.5 hour journey) but still no visits…To maintain contact I always visited every Friday bc that’s what my 2 siblings did with their children. Every Christmas I stayed at my parents house bc that’s what they wanted, I knew they wouldn’t come to me dispite my numerous invitations. I had another child & stopped staying over, during the festive season.
There were functions happening & third parties would make me aware of them after the fact, as why I wasn’t there which made me look like I wasn’t interested. I’m 50 now, not in a relationship, Ive been told on numerous occasions how attractive & stylish I am…conversant but struggle to get Men to ultimately give what I need, dispite giving them what they want & need from me, so I always leave them… giving them years, being hopeful. I yearned for love & loyalty and have not ever received the 2 as a package…always love never fidelity & support which is the sad story of my life… Privately & professionally.
I now live even further away… & know no one, so see no one, as I have always been the one to maintain the relationships I’ve had.
Its hard to be liked. I try to put myself to be outgoing and coolish but i feel likei get hurt and treated badly so i hide. My mom, dad, with the rest of my family dont like me its all pretend happy when they see me but they all hate me even at work im not noticed. Im only noticed when someone tries to use me which is sad depressing
Ok I guess I’ll throw in my lot for 2017. I really am not sure what to do next. I moved back home after a long term illness and on top of it all I was attacked and put into a coma for about 6 weeks.
It started from one “friend” who essentially began a smear & whisper campaign about me from the time I became a born again Christian. This got to be so bad that I started having fights with other people and decided that if people were not going to ask me or believe whatever they heard about me then I had, ‘had enough of all of them’. This got really bad to the point where I was even violently attacked.
The only thing I ever wanted was to be left alone. Before I got better from my sickness I decided to start working from home and before I knew I was in my own office and growing a business.
I knew that the next attack would be from my own family. Because apart from the people who work for me, there are no other humans who I come into contact with. But I didn’t expect that I would not see this coming.
I have just discovered that my own mother has been spreading the vilest rumors about me.. I’m not too sure what because people are actually afraid to tell me. My parents were abusive when I was a child. My father was the physical one while she would just use mental abuse.
It is like the more successful I am in my business the harder she has tried to break me mentally. And usually she uses my business as a target for her attacks.. Which is ridiculous as she knows nothing about it. Kinda like the cleaning lady telling the MD that his or her company is a failure.
I think she wishes that it would fail.
She has gone out of the country and has been phoning me to taunt and laugh at me over the Christmas and New Year. And when I called her back to ask her not to call me again she pretended to not know what I was talking about. Which is specifically her problem. You cannot resolve anything with someone who refuses to talk to you
So she has clearly been trying to cultivate an abusive relationship towards me, while creating an impression to others that I have been abusive towards her. I guess my long term nighbours would know better as they listened to a lot of what I had to go through.
But so far this is only a mother & son domestic. What do I do about the neighbors as well as her?
And what is going on here? Does anyone see a pattern?
Right now it’s like all human contact I have turns bad. Friends family and everything.
Your relationship sounds alot like the last one I was in. Your husband is abusive. No one should have to fight all the time. When you feel like you never do anything right. He is gaslighting you. Please read about it,find a support group and get out.
Get away from these sick crazy people. We live in a very sick world with evil people and yes sometimes it’s our own family. Sick peoples try’s to make us feel crazy. Going to church and trying to please God is the only person I try to please. Don’t care who like me .. but I will be nice and love people the best I can. I got on this site Bc my granddaughter is going through a hard time at school at the age of 15 . But I tell her love God love your self. The one person that helps me all the time is Dr Carolina leaf look her up on you tube she really has help me so much ! I have also learn to forgive fast…. don’t mean I have to be friends with them or ever let them hurt me again .. but forgiven helps me to go to something better!
You sound like a great , loving person!
God blessed
Has anyone thought if everyone here became friends how many friends we would all have! Just saying..
I’m sorry, but my loneliness is real. And it seems like you have no answer for me, just like everyone else.
This is my whole life. That’s all I can say I don’t know how to start that inner but I tried that party situation but the next day I feel I said and did something stupid
Your so awesome!
“This feeling has almost no bearing in reality”. Yes it does. Some of us walk the path of life completely and utterly alone – and not by choice – it’s agony every day.
Wow I’m so suprised at how many people feel the same way as I do. I literally thought to myself that I must just have one of those personalities that people don’t like. But I don’t understand because even meeting a bunch of new people, it’s me who finds it so hard to mix and end up singled out. Life is so hard right now!
Totally agree
God bless you. ?
I don’t understand why no one love me or care about me , no one ask about me or care about what I felling or what I wan’t , every one aspect to have my attention or services or what ever it was without any think about me . I WOUNDER IF THAT WRIGHT?
i totaly agree with you it is like my life you talking about
what a great idea, I say yes. bout how can we connect?
John You’ve got some great insight there buddy. I really relate to it. Here’s the thing: I’ve sort of given myself that same advice at various points through the years, and yeah, it definitely works. But I just dont know how to keep that momentum going once it starts to work. Eventually my mood just shifts and throws me off track, and i spiral down again. I’ve tried meditation and stuff like that to clear my mind every day, but I just feel a bit too emotionally reactive. I’ve tried anxiety meds and even mood meds (cua the doc said perhaps i was cyclothymic).. but idk nothing has worked and man alive, it gets hard to keep positive about it when I’ve tried soo hard so many times to snap out of this, always with success first, but then with ultimate failure and rejection.
I understand all too well and just writing this is exhausting, if anyone gets that. Does anyone get it…?
This article described my problems perfectly
I feel Alot better now.. Im gonna try and fight this inner voice , i know its gonna be hard.
I just hope it doesn’t stay like this my whole life.. its ruining my life right now !
Thanks again. im gonna bookmark this page so i can come back to it if i needed to in the future .
Lovely article. However, I notice you mentioned things like, “when your friend doesn’t text you back right away”. I have never had a friend. I take that back. I had two friends in my lifetime, and both times they didn’t want to spend any time with me, they just wanted to use me. One for a free babysitter, and one so they could get gas money from me. Sometimes it’s not a just a critical voice in our heads. Sometimes no one likes someone.
Your not the only one mate, even my family cant stand me.
Thank you so much John! I deeply appreciate your thoughts and it made a lots of sense to me. Thanks again!
Yeah, that’s good and all, but facts are facts. I’m a black guy that grew up listening to grunge and punk rock and live more of an eclectic lifestyle. I want a girlfriend. The women who are just like me in personality type want a white guy with a big beard and tattoos.
So yeah, I’m worthless. If I can’t get what I desire because I’m undesirable to what I want, THEN I AM WORTHLESS.
Nick, I too appreciated Johns thoughts, and especially when he said ‘there are endless battles to be fought.’ Endless. Battles.
That’s how you know you’re still alive, I think. And it helped me a lot to be reminded that it was normal and that I’m not doing anything wrong when I face what feels like the same battle the umpteenth time. It’s when I expect never to again that I start to blame myself for doing something wrong.
Hopefully next time I feel like that, I’ll reach out like you did, get reminded again, and laugh.
Bernie this is very interesting, and I’m not going to argue and say you’re wrong. I’m thinking about it. I’ve thought this before, because so far I haven’t been able to get what I want most. Fortunately I’m pretty easily made mildly happy by other things, and lots of things interest me so I am not often bored.
But I’m a white lesbian who looks like an attractive straight woman. There so far have been no women who are just like me in personality type, and I don’t care about dogs, spectator sports, or want to be with a vegetarian. The women whom I’ve admired from afar for their minds (mostly) are straight. What’s a non-stereotypical person to do?
I suggest you move to where there is a critical mass of white hipster people, like Portland, and start hanging out at the places that appeal to you. I used to live there and I know there are plenty of women of all colors who would date a black guy with your tastes. Hot, and fun. On the other hand, Brooklyn has the same scene, but people tend to hang out in their own racial groups in NYC. A gross generalization I know, but I used to live there too.
Now I live back in Oregon, and a friend of mine, a black guy, just uploaded a playlist of Pink Floyd and punk rock to the cloud for his students. Haha, what? Turns out, it happens.
It’s prob not everybody and I bet it’s your mom trying to have power over you . Leave your mom out for a while and see how she likes it. Tell her everybody hates her see how she feels. It’s probably not true and I bet everybody likes you but doesn’t like how your mom is mean to you. You haven’t done anything to intentionally hurt anyone. Don’t let her make you feel this way. Just be nice to the rest of the family don’t talk to mom about anyone . She sounds like my mom who’s a narcissist and can’t say one nice thing about me. I’ve done nothing to hurt her. I’ve always given all I can?No one deserves this.
I don’t get to see my friends as much as I’d like to. People don’t include me either but it’s ok. Because I know someday that people will like me because I’m fun. Sometimes people can be unkind or jealous but it’s not my fault. All I have control of is how I react or treat others, If they don’t reciprocate all I can do is stay on the high path and know someday that if I keep trying it will get better it’s not great but, there’s hope.
Hello Yasmin,
Hope you get to come and read this. Hope you and the baby is going well. What caught my attention most about your comment is when you talk about losing your personality because I have been there. I suffer from loneliness as well but feel that I am getting better over the years. When I was younger I was so confident and had nothing but friends but now in my 30’s a lot of that have changed. I am very introverted now and don’t like to be around crowds of people. I am getting much better but still battle with these emotions and feel that God Is showing me that I will never truly find happiness trying to relate to people. I have lived by myself twice and which people and in all my cases this feeling of loneliness never died. Now I am about to live on my own again and I am prepping myself to deal with the thoughts of loneliness that I know that I will feel. It’s is way better living by yourself then with people who will ignore and make you feel self-conscious all day long. As hard as it may be the truth of the matter is that you don’t get on your own nerves at least i know i don’t but people can really make you stumble. Just recently after all these years of my father not being in my life I just found out that he committed suicide a couple of years back and it has also made me deal with myself a lot because many years of negative through will take you to a very bad place. I refuses to let the devil get in that much and it will always start with people. While I do believe that we can find truly loving worth while people and connections in life it can take a life time and depends on the quality of selection. I am still healing and moving foward and still a lot if defeating thoughts of not being liked or feeling alone but I do put more effect of talking myself off of the ledge. I listen to sermons and good messages higher then my self, imagination and state of mind and I am trying to only look to God a lot more but it’s not easy. I do have a partner but I am not always happy with the attention or quality time that I am getting and still contemplate about letting the relationship go. My of these concepts of live and connecting with people that we learn are illusions that turn into delusions over all it is about balance.
This article touched briefly on how I feel. The loneliness and worthlessness I feel, is all my own doing; I let myself get this way. Growing up I had tons of friends and I was outgoing, but now I’m 21 and I’m pretty secluded. I feel as though I’m not good enough or pretty enough for anyone to love. Guys talk to me, but I always feel like I’m too ugly for anyone to love so I just avoid them. I avoid mirrors as much as possible and rarely go out without make-up on because of my acne. I hate that I base so much of my self-worth in how other people see me, but I can’t help it. I’m a lone because of me and how I feel about myself, but I can’t get away from it. I wish I could see how other people view me because from my point of view, I’m the worst.
I do exactly the same
Since I was a child
I made a friend who’s name was YASH he was invisible.
I thought the same.
But what if, I get LEFT OUT in this group too.
This is me to a T. If I ever go to a party, its cause I invited myself. Noone tries to talk to me, seems its always me that has to make the attempt to talk to people. I know I am shy but I push myself out there. I see people avoid me. Even my own brother, hugs me when he does see me but we bought a house almost a year ago and he hasnt even seen it yet, even though hes been right up the road. My Mom is a mile away and has only been here maybe 4 times. So much of this article explained the inner thoughts. Sexually molested as a young girl, Emotionally and physically abused also.
i have changed my looks, my attitude, my personality , i have become smart and funny and social but still at the end of the day i am lonely.One thing i understood no one can change their destiny. You just cant make others care for you and like you or love you unconditionally from heart…you may be most brightest generous charming successful but you cant make others like you…being liked and loved is a gift ,it cant be achieved
Stay strong Cora! I will try to do the same as well from now on. We have to stay strong all of us! 🙂
It’s not that everyone ignores me (sometimes it feels that way too though) it’s just the fact that I NEVER go out and am stir crazy everyday (I’m home-schooled) it sucks because my parents are such homebodies it’s sickining, even with my sister driving she doesn’t go anywhere ever!! And I’m just SO LONLEY!! We moved to this house about 3 years ago and have joined 4h’s, youth groups, music lessons, homeschoolers co-op, even baby sitting and nothing sticks! It’s either the people are too weird or it’s too far away. I have a BFF from my home town (mind you we only see Eachother once a year for a week) that I love to death but she’s always talking about how many guys have asked her out and how many friends she has (she’s not bragging tho btw she’s a super nice person) and I have NOTHING to tell her, no guy has ever asked me out, or been intrested
In me, and I only have 3 ‘friends’ here, one is just a competitive jerk, the other is obsessed with herself, and the other is way too young and hyper. I don’t think I’m a picky person for friends, but just give me somone who is funny and nice THATS ALL I WANT I want to stop playing video games all day and mindless tv I feel like I’m waistjng MY time away and every day I’ll think “when I get a boyfriend life will be exiting” or “when I drive I’ll finally be not so lonley” but when THOSE things happen I’m worried I’ll never be not lonley…
And what about many of us good men that are still single that really wanted a wife and family too?
Yes but there’s some of us that just don’t have no remedy, no matter how many articles like this we read we are a lost cause.
I’ve been there but it didn’t stop with just one person. I actually don’t have anyone to talk to that I can just talk to & vent without someone reporting me to someone & telling me I’m sick,, or twisted & throwing it up later on & eventually regret that I told because trust & betrayal ruins it, I feel judged. My own father reported me out of anger & he’s done & said alot worse, but nobody has reported them. No one wants to hear me when I did try to tell. It was too late because I was already reported. No one wanted to know why I did some things. Everybody wants to report everybody about any lil thing. They manipulate me by making me promise not to tell but it’s ok for them to break theirs or tell me if I do, it would be my fault for telling. My life has been like a roller coaster, but I’ve learned games & yes I’ve played them maybe only because that’s what I knew to get what I felt like I needed then I developed that guilt & regret toward myself & how I am made to feel.
Me too, I see myself in some of y’all. But at times it has been good, it hasn’t been All bad, it’s like I have to tell many stories.
I’ve been there but it didn’t stop with just one person. I actually don’t have anyone to talk to that I can just talk to & vent without someone reporting me to someone & telling me I’m sick,, or twisted & throwing it up later on & eventually regret that I told because trust & betrayal ruins it, I feel judged. My own father reported me out of anger & he’s done & said alot worse, but nobody has reported them. No one wants to hear me when I did try to tell. It was too late because I was already reported. No one wanted to know why I did some things. Everybody wants to report everybody about any lil thing. They manipulate me by making me promise not to tell but it’s ok for them to break theirs or tell me if I do, it would be my fault for telling. My life has been like a roller coaster, but I’ve learned games & yes I’ve played them thinking others would see how I felt & still feel, but maybe only because that’s what I knew to get what I felt like I needed. But I then I developed that guilt & regret & stupid& sorrow toward myself & how I am made to feel. Even my kids have seen some of it like, They still as happy telling a pregnant teen how such a great Mommy she going to be while they’re part blame me & my kids lives are a mess by my father reporting me when before he reported me while one of my kids was visiting him, was sexually battered in her sleep supposedly by a younger male cousin & she woke up & when I reported it after I found out, police reported it in our state, that other boy nor his parents nor my father was reported to children & family because they told me it was criminal & they didn’t deal with criminal only harm of child under parentsor guardian care, & police said nothing could be done due to my child & supposedly witnesses but police case could stay open for 3 years & without children & family interview the other people or reporting it to that state so the others could have a case opened on them & investigated, our state closed it out & I feel I can’t go against them in fear of retaliation on me & my kids that I could get my kids taken, they already lied in the other report plus I don’t have the money or resources to fight them. And that makes me feel stupid. Have I done wrong yes but I’m the only one getting punished.
Me too, but I have tried to be rude but it’s only worse for me. Then they tell me I need to forgive & say why would anyone like me, what have I done to make anyone like me. My mother bought her a shirt that says she said something like that if you think I’m a B**** you should meet or see my daughter. Then I have others telling me that they didn’t think my father reported me they said yeah he knew but it had to be someone else or I need to forgive & get peace & try to have a relationship with my father that I wasn’t close to either of my parents but I felt like I was being told it was me not my parents or anyone else. I was wrong for keeping my kids away from certain things that I needed to let my kids make their own teen mistakes that I couldn’t protect them forever. That was supposed to be who I thought as a friend & who for one visit started to get spiritual counseling to let my daughter see that it wasn’t wrong to get help, to let her see I would be willing to do that to help her & me for a relationship. This isn’t everything that has ever been said or done to me.
Please don’t get offended to Jana, she probably didn’t know if they knew or not just assumed & thinking of others like me without knowing me. Thank you Jana, because I am o e of those, I didn’t go to college, I worked eventually married, worked, quit had babies & wanted to devote my time raising them in the life that I really wanted for them but all that didn’t happen exactly the way I wanted. I wanted the American family type but like I said I’m still married to their dad & were still as a family but not near the way I ever wanted or imagined. Ive tried building them & they’re dad up & I’ve tried to support him with his job & if there is a chance for him to promote I push him because I I feel if my kids & him succeed I’ve succeded even though I didn’t do the I work, I can feel good sometimes but my husband doesn’t think or feel that way I he thinks I think he’s a not good enough. His mother doesn’t acknowledge what he is & had done a her damage to make him stay grounded to be near her. I worthless to others especially the ones that went to college or has an important job & has what seems the life I wanted for myself and kids. Not knowing you, I’m not being ugly it’s just how I’ve been treated & felt but as soon as I found out your job, I wouldn’t talk to you about anything personal because I’d be afraid to & even if I had already told you personal issues, I would be feeling like a maniac because I’ve been betrayed way too many times. I’m gonna say though I am proud of what you’ve accomplished & don’t make you feel bad of your accomplishments.
My mother in law told me one time that I needed to take turns going to others holiday events since we were going to so many & it might’ve been cutting on her time & I thought about it & I said yeah that’d be great & I specified by saying they would be one year for Christmas, my mom one year & my dad another & she quickly told me no that wasn’t what she was talking about she wasn’t excluding them just my parents because I was the one that came from a split up you know broken home. Now years later her other kids can have trouble her son can marry a divorced woman with a teen boy that the woman supposedly was abused, her daughter can split with her husband but somehow it isn’t her daughter’s fault it’s all the husband, her grandkids can split with their baby daddy, but no one else is supposed to bring in anyone else from a split home like my oldest daughter boyfriend that his parents split when he was young. And it’s always the in laws or the other people to her that does bad never her or her kids or grandkids or great. Even the good grandkids need to just put up with the bad when they visit never says anything to the bad oh she may say something behind their backs but we’re not allowed to comment. Her son in law can threaten to hurt her or her daughter but doesn’t think it’s anyone elses business to tell them not to bring their kids over for her to babysit she hides that information especially when I told her that was my right to know for my child’s sake & then she said oh he’s all talk he ain’t gonna do anything & let’s him come over around other people’s kids. I told her she better watch my kids & best better not let anything happen to any of them if I had to leave them with her to watch & she gets insulted & feels people are judging her even if it’s news people talking about the free range (roam) parenting because she did that & you just can’t be a spy on them 24/7. But if her kids did or didn’t do something it wasn’t them to blame it was their kids.
Everyone hates me even god!
You could invite others to come with you. It’s worth a try.
I’m so sorry for you. Unfortunately it seems that the more you give to a loved one the more they take, the less you ask for the less they give to you. I know exactly how this feels.
I know it’s not what people want to hear, but do you believe that Jesus is our God? The hole in your life might be filled with His love. I love the Lord.
I am alone
My Parents are dead , my brothers are dead , my partner is dead . I have no children . All my extended family are dead apart from a few distant cousins who are strangers. I am only 48 but entirely left alone .
Drifted from old friends . Unemployed . Completely alone . I have a roof over my head until the unemployment benefits run out .
I’m glad to see how supportive everyone is, but this won’t work for me. I’m stuck. I can remember AA a teenager, wanting to watch TV with my family, but whenever I came into the room, they had “something else” to do. Or when my first wife was always “tired” after work and on the weekends. Hey, I was tired too! Or how my second wife wants me to “be with” her, except that consists of me watching her play on her phone. Even in bed! My little kids are the same way. If I say something about the phones, I’m criticized for being self-centered. I now realize all of these events have one thing in common…me. So, I choose to avoid them so as to not upset them.
me too
i don’t know what can i do:(((((((
What are the rules? The descriptor “social rules that most people pick up as children/teens” begs the question.
I think I “get it”. I guess. But I also think it’s much more complex than this lays it out to be.
What are these rules then?
reading all these posts firstly makes me very sad because i feel each of your pain as i feel that way too. i can come across like the class clown, making people laugh and being silly until my demons start talking and then i feel like the loneliest person ever. don’t think people would know how badly i tear myself apart. analizing every comment or gesture that people made and turning it into a negative. noticed the older i get the more reassurance i need from family to tell me i’m a nice person. i’m a people pleaser. i will actually go round folk when im having a bad day and ask them if i have done anything to annoy them . its draining and im sick of it. i dont want want to give a f*** anymore. want to slap my demons away and you can too. sick of worrying and looking like a pratt for trying to get people to like me. goodbye demons 😉 love yourself xx
I hope you are doing ok and don’t feel so sad
Like so many of you, I too have always struggled to make and keep friends. I’m pretty shy so people seem to not be interested in getting to know me. On the odd occasion I have made a friend, I sabotage it because I don’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with me – I am awkward, shy, boring, feel really dumb and don’t bring anything exciting to conversations. As a child, I was always left out but really, really wished other kids would like me. I’m so insecure now and have no confidence and I know the inner voice is right. People just don’t like me.
I think this article is pretty accurate in the way it describes how we come to see the world and other people through the lens of loneliness and shame so many feel, however I think the article fails to address that we don’t live in a world that is fair, equal or caring and compassionate and for peopled labeled as different or “other” this becomes their reality. For me I’ve always been a sort of a black sheep and felt very different than other people. Most of my life I would say I’ve endured a lot of bullying, feeling ostracized and constantly pushed away and treated at a distance. As a child I was severely bullied throughout all of my school years, even by some teachers who seemed to take pleasure in humiliating me and was often mentally and emotionally abused by my mother who hated men, and a father that had very little to do with his son. Being a very sensitive child, I internalized this to believe I was worthless, shameful, a bad person, ugly, and wasn’t deserving of love and respect.
Eventually I became agoraphobic; hiding from a world I saw as cruel and calloused which led to even more shame because I wasn’t strong enough to overcome these things on my own. I lived this way for many years sometimes using pot and alcohol to numb my pain. Finally out of desperation I turned to the mental health field for help, which took a lot of courage on my part, but it was no help at all. I felt stigmatized and downright bullied by the so called “professionals” I turned to for help and support and I’m not delusional or think everyone is out to get me, this really did happen, they turned my fears into reality. I don’t feel like writing out the whole story but it left me feeling broken and hopeless. I’m scared to reach out for help again because more than likely the same thing will happen.
At 42 years old I’m convinced my life will probably never get better, I will always be alone, unwanted by any women, discarded and thrown away like a piece of trash. The best I can hope for is getting on social security disability; I have a hearing in front of a judge next month.
Someone else mentioned in one of the responses being an empath and I think I do have many of those qualities. Sometimes I’m amazed at how heartless, judgmental, and calloused so many people can be and I believe it’s getting worse. It’s as though a mass narcissism and even sociopathic traits are becoming the norm in our society and for lonely discarded people there’s no where turn to for help or understanding. If you do turn to the mental health system for that help they will just further alienate you with mental health labels, medications that cause horrible side effects, and treating you at a distance with strict boundaries and callousness.
Scott, I’m so sorry for your sadness. I also feel utterly alone and unlikable. I have a very hard time believing that my husband or children love me. I was raised by a mother who told me how fat I was, lazy, stupid, and how no one in the family liked me. I am 50 years old, a successful healthcare professional and still feel like that worthless little girl. I’ve spent years in therapy trying to learn how to treat people so that they will like me. It didn’t work. I have a really broken view of myself and I can now see how it has affected my relationship with other people. I just don’t know how to fix this. I’m so very sad and lonely.
I’ve done this for years. The weird this, since I’ve began to meditate, through this imaginary person, they help me to understand myself. I’m now trying to ask this person, politely to go and see if I can sort out problems without having this person.
I agree with, and like this article. But what do you do when within one week, you go out to do shopping or travelling somewhere and you come across people who serve you (in my case, assistants serving me at the check-out in two different supermarkets, and the ticket master at a station) and they just start ‘projecting’ onto you. I’m no good at confrontation and so I walk away!! The problem is, that this stays with you, and months later, you are still thinking about it. Anybody had similar experiences, and what do you do about it?
I have a lot of friends but i think nobody likes for what i am they always think i’m an idiot and invite me to anything,because they think i’m not of thir level what should i do?
I felt as an outcast all my life since I turned six years old. The way I was treated as a child growing up living in a abusive home, with toxic parents, other toxic family..I had to learn how to survived. With everything happen throughout my life since the age of six years old being sexual abused, bullied all through school, having to watch and sit seeing my father abuse my mother, it made me feel paralyzed inside. My father his favorite name for me clumsy child. His explanation to the doctors at the emergency which I being rushed to the emergency room frequently because of some unexplained accidents. I l;earned to live with it to the point I don’t care anymore who likes me and who don’t. I don’t let people get to close to me and don’t trust people. My faith and trust in God is what got me through the storms of my life. Today as an adult b/c of one accident that happen when I was seven years old I live with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) I don’t allow it to control my life, I learned to live with it.
I understand all too well Elizabeth
Hello I always feel lonely when my gf goes out and enjoy her self or she is either on her phone and I’m sat there bored and she’s never off it. She says I always badger her about my problems etc but yet she does it to me with her weight issues but I always listen and when she tells me to tell her how I’m feeling it’s like all I get back is all I care about is self. I only wanted a day with out phones if we go for a meal etc. Her whole entire family and friends hate me. But I’m putting that blame on to her and I don’t mean to I love her to pieces but even if we go to her familys it’s like there’s no communication and I’m sat there’s bored out my head I keep constantly getting headaches because I feel like I’m not enough or doing anything Wright. I offers her and her brother a drink on Wednesday but as soon as she goes alone to her brothes they end up drinking even though they said they had enough two days and don’t want me around. I bought kinect for me and my gf for her weight issue etc and she still whinges about weight but if it’s my problem I’m apparently putting it on to her.
My mom to has always hated me & treated me very poorly. Puts me down at any second she gets on Facebook or on phone for no reason at all. I don’t use drugs, don’t drink, have never been in any trouble! I have always followed the rules & just worked and take care of myself for past 23 yrs alone. Have only seen my mom twice in the past 23 yrs & she thinks nothing of it. A woman who’s never been there for me yes has always brought sadness to me & makes me wonder how a mom could be that way!?! My father and I use to be so close when I went and lived with him when I was 15 and moved out when I was 20 and since then we now live I different states and I’ve seen him 3 times in the past 19 yrs due to his wife n kid they had 16 yrs ago….what a shame & blow that was to me having the best father a girl could ask for and its gone in an instant!!! He calls me once maybe twice a year and it makes me wonder how does now your dad do this to you! Is it because I’ve been able to survive this rough awful life alone, do they think I never needed them?!? Well who knows but I do know it’s painful and it hurts always being alone & never having any family.
I like you jamil
yes I want a job
Guys please help me.. Now a days I do lot of overthinking .. And all will be negative only. I have some insecure feelings also.. Pls advise how to come out of this
Dear Ashima,
We encourage you to get support, whether through a group, a counselor or therapist. You might find some of the resources on this mental health website helpful with the feelings that you described: http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/self-criticism
For information on how to find help 24/7, click here: https://www.psychalive.org/get-help-now/
Stay safe.
PsychAlive
It don’t know why but there are just times when I, for no particular reason at all, feel like no one likes me or wants to be around me. Even if it’s a complete stranger I just feel like they don’t like me and are judging me. I don’t know why though. It hurts because nobody wants to feel alone.
I feel alone even when I’m surrounded by people…
I completely agree with you this article is great! Fight your inner voices! You can do it! We’re all in this together!!!
Does this also cause me to judge others? I always think people dislike me or are bored to talk to me and would much rather prefer talking to someone else..if someone does like talking to me extensively, I find it annoying, or think they’re taking advantage of my listening skills. It’s odd. But I have a desire to act extremely nice, even submissive, though I don’t think I am thinking very kindly of the other person. SO…I want to be liked, but I find it hard to like other people….tough.
I should also say, deep down, I NEVER want to hurt people and I always hope they will live the happiest, best life…but that’s my heart…my head think they don’t like me, when maybe it’s I who is hard on others AND myself…my interactions never feel natural
My inner voice tells me that what I’m seeking I will never be able to find. It’s not about putting myself down, it feels like acknowledging the human condition, my human condition.
I’ve received talking therapy counselling, but to me, that’s all it seems to be. It’s not someone physically going out to me and telling me what I am doing ‘wrong’ when I do it, and what to do instead. I’ve received group and also 1 to 1 counselling, but in both instances, I seem to separate what I’m taught, from situations when I’m away from these sessions. I’ve suffered this for over 60 years, some of it I know is shame / guilt based, because I have a disability which no-one talks openly about, (incontinence) there isn’t a medical procedure that can put it right.
I’m not an introvert, but I have always suffered from short term memory loss, so small talk and situations where discussions change rapidly from one thing to another, means that by the time I’ve decided what I want to say, the moment has passed and I end up feeling an ‘idiot’, because what they are now discussing is something completely different. Trying to use ‘memory tricks’ to overcome this, doesn’t work because I then have to remember something else, in order to remember what I actually want to.
Beth same have happened to me I know how hard feels even I am finding solution for this thing?
I had an awful unhappy childhood where both my parents didnt want me or loved me and one just didnt want to know me, but the other brought me up resentfully with a lot of cruelty. This has coloured my whole life and my opinion of myself has never been good, Im now middle aged and am socially very much alone with no friends, I dont go to social situations as they make me feel terrible and I have depression, anxiety and suffer from panic attacks regularly. But I would like to thank you for posting this as it has helped me in seeing that I must forgive and accept the past in order to move on. Ive felt crippled by my past and that horrible internal voice that always puts me down and tells me Im useless and unlovable, finding a way to lessen it and gain some confidence would be my goal now. Thank you.
I would encourage anyone to just accept it. Some people are more likeable than others. People don’t like me but I have stopped trying to figure out how, or try and find my value in pleasing them (yes i’m a people pleaser). I have just accepted that I am not everyones “cup of tea”. I just try and be the best me – despite my depression voice telling me I’m nothing and spend most of my energy on me, trying to live through each day. I’m an introvert so doing things alone is something I’m used to . I would encourage you all to be non-judgmental to your unfolding of experiences. Practice paying attention in the moment with curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love (Look up Seigl C.O.A.L on mindfulness and awareness).
Amen Mike! Amen! God Bless you for saying that. He is why I’m still here today…His love and mercy. : )
Jane…you are an awesome person! Sorry I don’t have time to say more, but I think ‘awesome’ sums it up nicely. (((Hugs))) and God Bless You! ??
Sarah is right…this sounds like an abusive relationship. Look up Passive-Aggressive. It’s an insidious mind-game that breaks your heart and steals your sanity…
I was thinking the same thing Lou! If I start a FB page for us Lonely Hearts I’ll invite you and the others. I may do it today as reading all the comments has been powerfully insightful and helpful and tear-jerking and heart-warming!
Footloose this may sound trite, but I’m a nutritionist and am telling you this because it could be very helpful to you. Vitamin B1 deficiency is an extremely under-diagnosed illness today, presenting in hundreds of symptoms. This great article mentions incontinence caused by B1 deficiency, as well as explaining about all b vitamin deficiencies.. a ubiquitous problem today. (Incontinence is also very common today…as well as Alzheimer’s, CFS, Type II Diabetes…all stemming from B1 deficiencies) I would recommend mega doses (1-2 pills with meals) of B1, in the form of Benfothiamine. In addition take Methylcobalamin with each meal. In addition a GOOD B complex…one a day is very important too as the Bs work synergistically. Actually most people here would benefit greatly from this same protocol as B deficiencies are ALL about mood and healthy brain. It’s huge! And before anyone tells me I’m being judgemental(or whatever) you need to know I am speaking from experience. I have suffered greatly (mostly mental) from B1 deficiency…and know I have a long time recovery after 54 years of more and more suffering from insecurity and anxiety and fear and depression and anger, etc. Switching to a traditional Northern European diet a year ago has also helped me tremendously, mentally and physically.
emedicine.medscape.com/article/1171558-clinical#b1
Please let me know if you have questions. I have more websites to share if you’d like.
im feel alone and i feel no body like me i so sad i dont known why i sad or alone i need to tell my dad and mom but i dont tell because im secard to tell this i dont know to should toto tell it
I have literally been told by almost everyone I meet that nobody likes me.
I like you.
I like you too 🙂
Hi Ashima, I think its right to say that i understand how u feel…if u r from india, going to a therapist also wouldnt be that easy due to social cliches. . Its difficult for me to advice something without knowing what is happening in your life right now. BUt i have been there where u r now…U feel like if only ur mind could stop thinking for a while…u pray incessantly for ur thoughts to stop but all in vain…I will just recommend u that start something which u like or u r passionate about. Start learning guitar or anything else. GYmming etc etc… It will make u feel better…I did that myself…And always keep one thing in mind that LIFE IS NOT GOING TO REMAIN AS IT IS NOW, it will most certainly change…May god bless u…and i think like ur name, ur smile also wud be so cute.take care and help another soul.
I like you the most
I’ve tried that a few times. Everybody was busy, so nobody came. I ended up feeling worse about myself in the end. Kinda proved that inner voice right that no one liked me.
My shrink says I need to go out and find nice people. I keep asking her how. I seem to have bad luck with it and just keep getting hurt. I’m tired of being hurt all the time whenever I try to interact with people.
I hrt that all time
No one likes me.They think I m weird n even my own friend makes fun of me.I feel alone in my class.
I love you all so much. I’d love to have a beer with just us, just us lonely f*****s.
You’re all amazing. I love you all so much. it’s tough but we’re all in this together
This was an insightful article. Thank you.
Yeah me too
Reading this article gave me a degree of separation from my inner critic. I had to force myself to continue reading it at a point because the voice said this isn’t going to do you any good and it is too thick for you. I pushed it aside for probably the first time ever and forced myself to read on knowing I was in desperate need of insight and relief. Thank you for writing this. It has helped me be able to look at the voice as something separate from me instead of it being me which is a great start. Now I feel a tug of war.. I guess that it is progress and for that I am thankful. I hope I can continue to silence the harsh voice and get to know who I am without it.
I don’t know you at all. And I don’t really want to know you or anyone in particular.
But the one thing I know is that no one is bad. No one is “un-likable.” I assure you that.
Maybe others say that due to ONE particular aspect of yours which you find normal or unique, but is actually quite irritating or immoral.
Think about it! Don’t wait for someone to spell it out to you.
Hope this helps,
VR.
People liked me so much, i was a popular person, but i just thought I am diffrent from others, I losed myself, I hated my self and after that people didnt like me too, they just say that you are unlikble right in front of me, at school, im 16, nobody likes me nobody loves me, and I refuse my parents, so they dont like me too, I wish I could understand the text but I am an english learner and I don’t know english this much well. Give me some advices 🙁
Feeling alone and isolated these days. I went through a divorce about 4 years ago — part of it, admittedly, my fault. My ex has brainwashed my two children into wanting little to nothing to do with me. I’ve reached out repeatedly and tried to spend time with them over a prolonged period of time, but…nothing. One won’t speak to me at all even after having contact for a while after the divorce. Everything seemed fine and then suddenly, no interest in having a relationship.
I am lonely, went through the guilt of divorce, and have been trying to start over again. I miss having someone to love. I’ve tried dating sites, met a few women, but nothing stuck. Either they weren’t my type or vice versa.
Most the social interaction I have is with my co-workers at my job. I have a couple of friends, but they are usually busy with their families. I feel like women don’t like me much. I get little interest on dating sites. I don’t feel like I’m ugly or undesireable, but I don’t understand what is wrong with me. My “demon” voice is always telling me “you’re not good enough”.
I could identify with some of the things in this article. I don’t like to get out into crowds alone or go to church alone. I see happy families and couples and think of me alone and it’s depressing. So, I try to avoid those settings.
I’m in my 50s and it’s all very hard for me. It’s depressing. I try hard not to beat myself up, but it’s tough. It certainly does feel like I live in a vacuum except for when I’m at work.
This is me.
Someone else out here knows how you feel.
This feeling has almost no bearing in reality.
BULL$%^#. Absolute, demonstrable bull%$#$.
i thought the same thing reading this.
the voice, inner voice, how are we supposed to react when its not just inner. great article but doesnt address when nobody actually likes us
do you now feel like you want to shout asking for help but its just too scary and no words come out ?
i think i know how you feel, we hate what we are but we are just like everybody else
I thought this was my unique experience. Even my mother would say it had to be my shortcomings as “everyone else an’t be wrong.” I’m sure you are very cool on many levels! Reading this today helped me get thru a very tough day; I hope you left here feeling better as well.
Why nobody likes me? Why am I not clever as other people? Why am I not pretty? Why I don’t have any friends? I mean like a very close friends. Why I can’t be myself? Why I am too timid or scared to talk with other people. Why I can’t feel the love from my friends or family. And why I think that everyone hate me because of my flaws
But I feel like my inner voice agrees with most people.
I’m 31, live at home, don’t drive, and have no job because I’m a neurotic coward. I know what most think about me, and it’s hard to disagree. I don’t deserve love or any of that kind of stuff. My ex was one of the most understanding people, but she left me over my problems. It didn’t help that being molested has screwed up sex for me.
I try to feel good about myself, but I feel like this article doesn’t apply to me. Most people have more going for them.
I’m in my early 30s and I suffer from extreme social anxiety and I have no friends. I’ve tried to make friends online but people ignore me. I think it’s my personality and that makes people not want to befriend me. I hate it I really do. I hate being friendless. I’ve even gone as far as to ask people to pray and have God send good people in my life. It’s never going to happen, nobody likes me. I need to learn to be alone and be happy alone. Which isn’t going to happen because I’m completely miserable.
Hi John,
I have no clue who are you or where do you come from or what qualities you have…
But I am sure of one thing…That you want to change…
First of all,the way you list of your shortcomings try and list out your qualities like you have a good sense of humor or whatever..Stop undervaluing yourself..
Agreed that your ex left you because of some problems but she came close to you because of your qualities…Understand this.
Your age,job status are all circumstances in your life.
Having a great job will not make you a happy person.If you are lonely without money,trust me you will be lonely with money…But loneliness is just a state of mind..You can be lonely in a room full of people and you can be happy alone as well.
I hope it helps.
Well said, Pallavi
I have friends okay but I feel so left out, trust issues makes me push them away. I feel everyone doesn’t like and I try so hard to change that but it never works. Loneliness is now a great friend and I also have those demons inside tormenting and torturing me always.
I’m actually twelve and I always feel so left out… nobody talks to me because I’m not interested in FortNite and BrawlStars, or memes or vines or online things that just don’t matter to me, or even who-likes-who and all that oral dung. Really I just want to talk a bout a book that I’ve read, or art, or thing we do in class, science projects, things like that. And then I’ve noticed on some of my group Hangouts chats when I’m sick nobody asks, “Hey, where’s Alina? Has anybody seen her?” while I ask all the time when a person is missing, whether I like them or not. Sometimes I just don’t get the world, and why it’s like this for me. Why is nobody else interested in C.S. Lewis at my school, or why does nobody likes to talk about Monet? Sometimes when I feel especially lonely I just hide in the library. Whenever I try to engage myself in one of the other people’s conversations, I get sucked into a black hole of pointless sentences, where “like”, “um” and “so” are like pieces of dust in a desert. I hate it here. Why is this happening? I know most of the people who are going to read this comment are adults, but still, I need to pour out my feelings somewhere.
Why does no body ever message me and ask how I’m doing? Why when I’m in a bad mood or grumpy or pissed does anyone ask are you ok? Why do I say I’m ok when I’m clearly not ok. I often think how many people would truly miss me if I wasn’t about. If I never went back to my office again would anyone notice I wasn’t there? My life should be great but all of a sudden I’m a bully when all I do it try and help. I help people and
then they are complaining about me to someone else not to my face am I really that bad. Why does the bad thinks over shadow the good?
I have the same issue. I have been told no one likes me over and over again all my life. Now my inner voice is just affirming what I already know. I m ugly, useless and stupid. No one wants to me around a loser.like me. Other then to feel sorry for me
Amen, brother!
Faye, I have felt attracted to women who I thought were ugly when I first met them (months, days, hours before the attraction started). Which basically proves they weren’t. If a man says or thinks your ugly doesn’t mean you are ugly, it just means he can’t appreciate your beauty just then. God made women beautiful, and that’s that.
Allow me to say this—Your family loves you, I’m sure. The problem is, you have been listening to your inner critic for so long that you bought the ‘my-family-doesn’t-love-me’ story.
Loneliness is a state of mind? Right, forget about the critical inner voice, what about all the critical outer voices??
How can you even pretend to know psychology when you just invalidated the actual reality of many, many people?
People can be selfish jerks! Go to any nursing home and tell me loneliness is a state of mind…please!!
It would be more helpful to know how to be OK with loneliness when really one has so little control over this, over other people.
But you don’t have an answer.
That was very well said. Clear, concise and so very accurate.
What I dont understand is how family and friends can be so cold…with their actions, words and lack of acceptance, validation, kindness or support, yet claim they love you. And fully expect you to just suck it up and take what you get; all is well when you say nothing & let most of the crap go in one ear & out the other. But the second you stick up for yourself, they become angry, hateful and are quick to turn the tables on you to find reasons or excuses to blame you for they way THEY act. Which further isolates you and increases your feelings of self doubt, vulnerability, lonliness and being accepted. Because, if you’re not loved and accepted by the people who claim to care about you, then you have to pretty strong to maintain feelings of self worth, belonging and value. Its very difficult to not feel defeated and keep putting yourself out there to meet more new people when its people who ultimately cause you so much pain. Im a very generous, kind, helpful, fun, sincere, loyal person. But I will stick up for or defend myself. I do tend to get taken advantage of because I like helping people out. But I also say no, too, so I do set boundaries. Yet, this poor treatment from others seems to be a repeating theme for me. So, what I would most like to know is, what am I doing to invite or perpetuate this dynamic with people? I am always left feeling like Im “good” sometimes to some people, but overall, Im really not good enough for anyone. I truly do not understand.
I relate so much to this..
no matter how much I try to be kind, fair, loyal.. and plain good, I seem to come out on the other side on my own. Always.
I too defend myself and I set boundaries.. I’ve been messed around too much not to. But my good qualities out weigh any bad ones..
I feel this way on how people treat me.. and like you so very well put, treated by people who claim to love me. But some how fail to show their love and support.. even after knowing what I’m going through.
I’ve learned not to hold expectations. Not to rely on anyone… but sometimes it’s too hard to constantly be so strong. And these days are the times when I break down.. go back to feeling like it’s me. And start the whole process again from the beginning!
One thing I do know..
We enter this world alone.. and we leave it alone.
We have one life! I’m tired of wasting my energy on people who clearly don’t deserve it. Or at least on people who can’t be more considerate with their words or actions.
Be kind to one another! Everyone has a story!
There is an older person who told me that they were lonely and that they would miss me when I moved on to other ventures. I decided to keep in touch. I sent emails to this person. All went unanswered. I telephoned this person. All calls went unanswered and unreturned. I snail mailed many things to this person, sometimes weekly, all went unanswered. I was not even notified that the gifts that I sent had arrived. Still, I remembered those words: “What will I do without you?”
There were times that this person said unkind things to me. It didn’t seem like they remembered doing so. Many times, this person would tell me about a spouse that had been very unkind to them (the spouse had passed years earlier from cancer). One day, when I was experiencing personal issues of my own, I asked this friend: Do you like to be abused? Why did you stay? This person immediately got up and moved away from me. The person continued to talk, but they changed the topic to general things. Right after I said it, I felt awful. I apologized, but now this friend won’t even see me. Is what I said unforgivable? I really miss this person, even though they did sometimes say unkind things to me.
Also, if they were so lonely, why didn’t they respond to texts, calls, emails, or mail? Maybe, “I’m lonely” is just something some people say.
Thank you for pouring them out here. You are NOT alone, even if it feels like you are.
I love Monet, libraries, science, and all of the other cool things that you mentioned. You are awake and alive. Keep doing the things that you enjoy doing. Visit museums. You will find your tribe hanging out in the same places that you like (libraries, museums, galleries, etc.). It will take a while to find your tribe, but they are out there. Just keep looking for one another.
Greg,
How are you doing? I pray that you are well. You are not alone. There are people who care about you. Spread joy and kindness everywhere you go and nobody will be able to forget about you.
Also, read Kent Keith’s poem: Anyway. It has helped me along the way.
I really dont understand why no one likes me. Maybe because I lie and use people. Maybe because I really am a bad person. A woman saved my life and I repaid her by putting her in jail the next week. Is that wrong?
Hello all. I feel so lonely it is painful. I am 60 years old, married, moved to warmer climate in a 55+ community hoping to meet people like me. My mom and dad passed not long ago.
And my relationship with my older sisters is strained and not good. They pick on everything from my weight, my circles around my eyes to the clothes I wear. Realistically I no longer force myself on them as I can tell they do not like me. I do do not see or hear from my brother as he does drugs and steals and is to hard for me to deal with anymore. I have no real friends because I seem to only attract selfsentered people that the world only revolves around them. I have two children I love more than life who are either to wrapped up in their own life or just do not love me to give me a quick text or call for months. Only when they are in need. Obviously I would and have done anything for them. I am currently Ill with heart disease and have had 2 recent TIA’s. I think they don’t want to hear of my illness because I was always strong and no longer am. I can’t even get out of the tub without help. They haven’t called to check on me. My heart is broken. I cannot beg. I’m sad and cry all the time which doesn’t help heal. I try to change things with no results. I’m not looking for pity, I just needed to share my feelings with someone other than my husband and dogs. I feel as if I’ve become a burden and lost. The TIA’s are causing some confusion.Thanks for letting me vent.
Awww same here but you will always feel welcome in god’s heart and that’s all you need to talk to you when you feel like that
I really do feel no one likes me. I could care less if I see God rewarding me. Sure I pray and read the Bible but I strongly believe he’ll never heal my pain of loneliness. laughs! Maybe I’ll feel free of it in heaven.
I feel like I’m hardly liked. Plus I feel like a real ‘nothing’ in this world.
It happened to me a lot and I’m overindulgent. I always feel sad about myself. You know, because I feel bad for myself, like I always search for things to make myself feel better and thoughts like, “If I’m pretty, I don’t have to do this, I don’t have to ease myself by searching quotes, things and explanation on why I’m feeling sad.” I don’t know if I always blame myself when I feel sad but this happened because some people always hurting me. I am sensitive with criticism, if someone said something bad,I thought to myself that I was just being sensitive but actually their words hurting me. I don’t want to blame myself so I end up crying, trying to find on why I am so sad about that. It’s pathetic, sometimes. I meant, you cannot change their ways of talking, but you can change on how to accept their bad words, it’s hard. I do love myself a lot. But I am so sensitive that I couldn’t control myself from crying. Don’t you think it’s pathetic to cry over someone else’s inconsiderate words and you have to ease yourself to be patient?
I have back to this blog hundreth of times and still nothing changed…
Humans in a group can be mean to individuals that are perceived as not conforming. My colleagues are like that. Its cowardly and unkindly.
I have social anxiety and I agonize going to work everyday.
I’m same here. I’ve had social anxiety since as long as I can remember. The worst feeling for me is when people close to me or those I work with give up on me. I never disclosed my condition for fear of ridicule, I tried confiding in my boss and he doesnt get it, he also treat me differently now and I don’t like it.
I felt like I was losing my mind in the last week and had to get help at a medical center and I stayed several days. My depression medicine has increased and I was prescribed an anti anxiety pill cause I didn’t seem to be sleeping very good. While I was there, I had to take a pill to go to sleep. Plus it felt so good to interact with young people who actually cared about my well-being. I feel like I’ve missed out on life a bit and still rather sad about it.
Yeah, right? Articles like this somehow try to push me into thinking that I am imagining things, that I’m just too critical to myself and shouldn’t blame myself like that (paradoxically blaming me by that more than I blame myself :D) but nope, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me or my way of thinking. I laugh at my own jokes, I appreciate my advices, I have good time listening to my stories, I sometimes impress myself with witty ideas. I find my presence refreshing. But nobody likes me. That’s not a feeling, that’s an empirical fact. Unless all that obvious exclusion and unwilingness to speak to me is just an act of covert love, in that case, excuse me for being so silly to think otherwise. I’ve learned to be alone, and it’s still sometimes a little painful, because when I imagine I have friends, it feels great but it is a thing that I probably cannot have anymore, which bothers me but the idea that I will never have a helicopter bothers me too and I am able to live with it quite comfortably. But the thing about it for me is, I have no idea what I do wrong. I understand why people don’t like me when I treat them like a b**** when they don’t cooperate at work, but I have no idea what’s the deal with people that I have always been nice and friendly to and they still refuse to call me a friend. There were people in my life I have helped, I have been listening to their problems, I was trying to be supportive, I have feed them with jokes and funny stories and interesting facts and they were laughing and they were interested in what I say, and they looked like they have a good time around me but still, they just won’t ever text me, never invite me anywhere, never initiate anything, like they forgot about my existence at the moment a came out of their sight. I have no idea what could I do more. I know people that are more rude than me, less rude than me, funnier than me, less funny, smarter, dummer, more interesting, more boring, more altruistic, more selfish, less shy, more shy, more narcisistic, more modest and all of them have more friends at any time then I had in my whole life. Just what the f*** am I missing. I feel like there is some natural fact about the world that everyone knows but I don’t, like there was some secret only I have been told. Now I feel like the only thing that I miss to find peace is to know why.
Lucie, I could have written this myself. Especially the bit about people more/less rude, smart, boring, shy, selfish etc all seeming to have no difficulty in attracting friends. It’s a mystery, isn’t it? It’s like everyone else emanates some kind of invisible glue that makes other humans stick to them, and we are somehow born without that.
Thank you for this comment. You have stated my life perfectly. The part that baffles me the most is that others talk about how someone is a total jerk or a**hole, yet they’ll still be friends with, and spend time with that person. Yet, it seems anything I say or do is taken as offensive or weird, and no one can stand to be around me. I live alone and, outside of work, no one speaks to me, calls/texts me, or visits me. When in public, it’s like I’m invisible, or people can tell there’s something wrong with me.
Yes this exactly, you put yourself out there and are terrific, just to realize that you still don’t meet par, they’re just being polite and really want nothing to do with you, and you can feel it, you can tell they aren’t really interested, shifting uncomfortably waiting for the moment they can get away
Hi guys. I’m reading all of this and realizing that life just doesn’t work out for all of us huh. I see people in bad relationships when they should be millionaires with the sweetest husband or wife. I see people with bad parents when they should have the kindest and most friendly parents in history. I see people physically abused and mentally abused when their minds can find a solution to even the cure to cancer. I can see that life has never changed even between all of us. The problems multiply when they shouldn’t have even started. I see people with hope in their eyes waiting for that phone call or that miracle. All I can say is if anyone needs that miracle its YOU. You need that help. you need that support. You need that dream life and that amazing house with a supportive family and no racism. You need help. And not be rude but go get it. You can get that help. You just need that push. So here goes. I believe in you. ALL of you. You have great minds and have lives ahead of you that don’t need the problems put in front of you. But if the problems come it you it comes at. Don’t you see? You are greater than the problems that come at you to ruin your life. But what no one sees is it come at you because you’re stronger than it. You’re better than the problems, but no one wants you to be better. They want you to be upset. But YOU ALL are better. YOU ARE BETTER than the problems. You can achieve whatever you’re after. You just need the push. So go out there and tell people how you feel. If they don’t care to tell them anyway. You need support. SO GO GET. I believe in you guys and know you can do anything.
Lucie, thank you for saying all of that. You’re right, this article is addresses people struggling with the demons that lower self esteem and loneliness rather than finding people who can tolerate/like/enjoy our company. I’ve felt and been confused my whole life by everything you’ve said. My parents instilled in me early that no one likes me, but I also experienced that in reality. They were absolutely right, no one liked me. I also experienced a trauma that completely altered my perception of people and reality. I recently discovered a solution to my no-one-likes-me problem. I’m not a psychologist, just a person who confronts these social puzzles daily. I really hope that this gives you some ideas 🙂
Once I started using hobby clubs (art and gaming for me) and local online forums, even sites like okcupid or match (you can set them to friendship searches), I found a lot more people in my area who appreciate me for who I am. I found out that I wasn’t missing any special nugget of information and that I was actually socially competent, I just wasn’t in the right group *all along*. At first I felt the same way I always felt: why am I even trying? What am I even looking for? No one will like me anyway, why waste my time? And there were a ton of busts before I noticed any success. I tried several groups before I found one I liked. But after giving it some time, I realized that people *did* like me. They found me funny and witty and interesting, and we all did things together. When I fell behind in the group, they noticed immediately and made an effort to help me feel included. As for local forums that involve one-on-one conversations, I met my significant other in my quest for friendship, along with so many other people who share my interests and value spending time with me. Those friendships have lasted a long time whereas others who I’ve found without these tools have fallen away from my life. I’ll probably never look for friendships the traditional way again (at work, bars, etc). If they happen that way then that’s great, but otherwise nah. Sure I’ll fb friend my coworker. No, I won’t involve them in my life unless they make an effort and I am legitimately interested in spending time with them. Respectful but distant unless someone *really* clicks. And yes, I still struggle with the inner demon mentioned in this article. Sometimes I’m like “is this even real? Are they just pandering me because they pity me? No one has ever willingly tolerated my presence in my whole life–certainly love and friendship are lofty goals for someone like me.” That’s why I’m on this forum to begin with.
Lucie, I really hope this helps a little. Best of luck finding the diamonds in the rough 🙂
I was in the same boat and decided to try hobby clubs and local online forums as well as finding friends on dating sites (the ones that have a platonic friendship option). This was great because I got to make memories based off of shared interests in an environment I chose before deciding if I wanted to be myself around people–but it turns out that I was already being myself because doing and talking about things I love made me come out of my shell.
It’s not an easy task, but once you find the right people it’s smoother sailing. Best of luck to you. Hope this helps
This is me. But there is another wrinkle in my life’s story that has the potential of putting the lie on the concept that we are not alone in the feeling that we are alone. I have had people tell me point-blank “Nobody likes you.” A boss on my first real job said, before firing me, that he had never had so many complaints about an employee. My husband used to say I should kill myself. My brother, at a very catastrophic time in my life, said to me that “He never knew anyone who knew me who liked me.” And then a family member was kind enough to tell me that everybody in the extended family hated me. Add to this workplace bullying, numerous insults, slights, and precious few social invitations, and I am appalled that the best science can do for me is to tell me it’s “all in my head.” Dare I suggest that the cognitive therapy (essentially doing battle with one’s own perceptions) that the therapists and insurance companies are pushng leaves much to be desired?
I like you.
This is very much my story, too. I think I’m doing fine (despite the numerous setbacks I’ve had with people telling me I’m not okay) and then “pow!”–punch in the face. I think the therapists need to concentrate less on what the victims are doing wrong and more on the people who make them victims. Many so-called psychologically healthy individuals are initiating or instigating the hatred towards people who are not as popular as they are. Yet, the manipulative, popular person passes the litmus test because they have friends. The unpopular person, made unpopular by the actions of other people (a twist on the self-fulfilling prophecy myth) is left holding the bag.
Wow…thank everyone. This nobody likes me thing and the sharing gives some insight. I experienced this at a very young age and still exposed to this negative behavior. I dont know if I using colorism on this forum is ok so I’ll keep it brief. I’m very light skinned but both my parents are black. Growing up some of my black friends told me I wasnt black enough, do they excluded me. Some of my white friends excluded me because they knew my parents were black. It has been a journey and I am thankful for it because it cultivated some great character traits.
Where do you live now? Where does he live now? BG
You seem like a fun person, I like you:)
This is exactly my story
Wow. I didn’t think anyone felt like I did. I don’t know what to do with this but it sure helps to read something I could have written. I imagine that you have been hurt deeply as I have. But still, in public, when no one knows me or meets me for the first time, that’s it. I will invite someone to go to coffee and take their contact details and then am ghosted. Or give them my contact info and I never hear back even though it seemed we made a real ‘friend’ connection. We can’t ignore reality and it is so painful. I spent a whole day with a guy from high school recently. Forty years later. He spent the entire time talking about himself. I stayed because I wanted to see if he ever would run out of himself. He didn’t. Yet he is constantly invited to things evidenced by FB photos and I sit home uninvited. I just don’t get it. All the rules about asking people about themselves and keeping talk of myself limited doesn’t mean anything apparently. Just to be a fly on a wall to see how other people become accepted would be worth all I have. I get suicidal sometimes from loneliness though I work and volunteer. There is no connection outside of those venues and it’s killing me. Literally. Figuratively. It has been this way my whole life. I find myself interesting, am traveled and educated, not harsh to the eye and am witty and have to laugh alone. What’s wrong here ??
Ditto
This is an amazing perspective . Thanks for sharing .
Jeanene,
I could very much relate with what you said about the people that supposedly love you. My issue is with grown children. My good intentions are often misconstrued by them and when they are, there’s little if any contact. I recently changed from giving money to my grandchildren for their birthday to taking them to something of their choice, movie etc., mainly to spend some time with them. I was told if I was going to do that, then not to bother as it was conditional and on my own terms. Maybe it was but I just wanted to spend an hour with them. I could tell you other stories where my good intentions have been misconstrued and where I have been called selfish and all these events have left me feeling worthless. I think family can hurt you the most if you let them and I do. I get angry and decide I’m going to say what I think but I don’t because I know it will backfire on me as it has in the past. So, I’m left with ‘I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t’. I don’t know of a way that I can get out of this dilemma but reading the comments on this website has made me realize I’m not the only one that feels worthless at times. Thanks to everyone for all of your comments.
So many areas of this article and comments rang true for me. My issues did start as a child with bullies who taunted me everyday and a younger brother who joined in the public humiliation and bullying. Do you know what it’s like to be bullied by kids at school and in the neighborhood with your own brother sometimes leading the pack? To have people say, “your own brother doesn’t even like your stupid a**”? Having my brother join in did irreversible damage and this is where my self-hatred stems from. I never said anything to my mom because I felt like somehow I was bringing it on myself and I still feel that way today – that somehow it’s all my fault. It’s my fault that I’m not extroverted, smart, outgoing, attractive, smart or that one of my eyes isn’t straight. It hurt badly and it cut deeply. To this day, I am alone because of it but even though I am alone, I am not lonely. While it’s true that I am indeed my own worst enemy – I’m the only friend I have (sad right?). When people aren’t triggering my self-hatred, I actually do enjoy my own company. No matter how big or small the behavior or comment is, I internalize it to Mt Everest. When other people say or do these things, it reaffirms that others hate me as I always knew they did and so I hate myself. No one has ever had a kind word to say to me. Any good ideas I’ve ever had, someone else was given the credit for them. I simply can’t win with people. My exes were nice to me in the beginning until they realized I’m someone they just don’t want to be around. Because of all this, I truly despise people. No one else has any compassion for me so why should I have compassion for myself right? It’s a handicap when you’re as introverted and damaged as I am. No amount of counseling will fix this. But I no longer want to change other people’s thoughts or opinions about me, it’s exhausting. I almost would prefer to be invisible. That way, other people aren’t fueling my negative self-talk. One of my biggest fears is being in a room full of people like me and still not being liked. I guess I’m rambling but thanks for listening.
Wow, I can relate so much. Thanks. I feel traumatised by people at this point and would rather be alone 🙂
You’re nobody until someone wants you.
No one wants me.
I am nobody…
I have spent a lifetime trying to work this out and I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever it is that’s wrong, it is not what we are doing or saying but something that is beyond our control. Something in us simply fails to emanate this invisible glue that makes other humans bond. Maybe we have weird pheromones or something? I bet if you were that fly on the wall, you would see people doing exactly the same as you, but with very different results. Anyone who has not had our experience will try to find some reason that the problem is something in our behaviour. We’re being too guarded; we’re oversharing; we’re asking too many questions; we’re not asking enough questions; we’re smiling too much; we’re not smiling enough… whatever. Recently, I have accepted that it’s never going to change now (OK… I’m old… I admit it!). I’ve started to think of myself as some kind of living ghost, which at least puts a slight romantic edge on the loneliness.
i’m just so sorry for who i am. i never meant to be so ugly. i’m just so sorry.
Me too.
i am in the same bote, i feel alone, no one likes me and i stay clear from social events just cause i have already decided that they will not like me anyway. I was bullied at school and as an adult i gained some self confidence though i have been damaged so much so that i attract all the nasty people where at some point there true colors comes out and again i am left all alone. What a horrible circle! Just wanna say stay strong guys and gals, i am working on this and so could you. I am chucking that inner voice out the door….go away satan cause me i am awsome!
Yes that’s true I have also many problems?
In life I can’t tell anyone I started to tell some about my problem then she made a joke
It’s the same for me. I’m sure I am nicer than the average person, still sometimes very wrong, but I can count on my hands what went extremely wrong, concerning others, I’m neither pretty nor ugly in the average persons eye. People are always annoyed when I’m happy and tell me to stfu and I’m often forgotten about. They don’t even listen to me because “it’s just me” so something must be wrong with me. Once, I tried to tell them they should be quiet because I had a presentation and I wanted to speak up but after around 10 attempts I gave up and just went to their desks and tell them in little groups and even some of the nice people complained about the task I prepared… I’m 24 now and at the beginning of the year when I talked to some colleagues, I noticed that this was the first time in my life, that someone has listened to me. I feel guilty for existing and my last close friends are moving on and I get less important as time is passing by.
I relate to this a lot. I always try to be nice to everyone, but for some reason, they look at me with those eyes, clearly implying that they don’t like me. I help out in group works, help people when they ask me to, smile and be polite, but I don’t understand how these qualities aren’t enough to gain me a friend. Since I’ve tried befriending a lot of people, I’ve come to realize that they just talk bad stuff behind their each others’ backs, that they’re rude and even kind of hypocritical, but they have lots of friends. I don’t get it. It came to the point that I once tried going along with this attitude, feeling bad at the same time for doing so. Still, no luck. I’m fortunate enough to join a group, but it’s not as if I’m so relevant that they’d look for me when I’m missing. They actually hardly talk to me at all. I hide in the library, pretending to study, but I just sleep there or cry. I’ve tried everything, but I just really don’t know what’s so unlikeable about me. I’ve read lots of articles, but most feel kind of preachy.
I like you Ashok
I go through stages too where I get try to get close to people; however, something inside always pulls me back to square one.
I read this kind of stuff over and over again but knowing it does not make the thoughts change. Trying to change the thoughts just does not work because deep inside you know you are just going through the motions. Life shows you the reality. When you are rejected by your family even your own kids all based on false accusations how can you ever change how you feel. Feeling unloved and rejected is very real in my life and I have the proof, how can you ever change that with just words.
Yes the world tells us that….very sad
Maybe the people that attract many other people, attract the shallow people, and maybe it is hard for us to find many solid, close people, because we are deep, we value true friendship, respect thoughts, and feelings, of others including our own. How else would we know the way we feel, and be here trying to fix our, “ills” in a society of “ills”. They may appear to have 1000’s of friends, but may go home and just feel as empty as this article talks about. People who do not go deep may feel uncomfortable around deep people, perhaps they don’t want to be discovered and only want to be around the people who can be fun at non-deep levels. That my friends does not make us any less worthy then they are. Is it hard, yes, because we can easily take it to heart in an instant. That and being deep means we crave, intimate and meaningful relationships. The fact that others don’t hang out with you is more about who they are, then it is about you. Rare gems that are scattered about rarely can be found in big groups, unless gather and collected by a jeweler to make a masterpiece. Does that make sense? I struggle too with those inner critics, it isn’t easy but, it is important to turn it around, think of yourself as an important and rare jewel. I am not saying we are more important, just a special and unique different just as needed as quartz, but not quartz. If people reject you, maybe its a sign of their own insecurities, or maybe they’re farting and scared you will find their stench out. I did find the article true, though, if you listen to the critice, you won’t be yourself, and that can turn people off..(fulfilling a self-prophecy)..they may feel uncomfortable and not know how to react to it well. Just my thoughts. I should remember these next time my inner critic tries a # on me.
Look never give up if nobody likes u
It mean that u are the best and nobody want
To see u winnin never give up and all ways
Look forward and if u need any thing im
Hear
Maian, you have very articulately stated exactly how I feel, myself. I swear I’m literally invisible. Even when I walk down the sidewalk in my city, people never move aside to let me by – I’m pretty sure because I’m invisible to them. This morning, I told a lady that I had been trying to get a taxi for 5 minutes before she arrived right next to me. She said she hadn’t seen me standing there. What the heck is wrong with me?
No one likes me in the school that i go to what should i do
You just haven’t met your tribe
Sometimes I feel I was meant to be born on another planet in another galaxy, where I fit in perfectly and other people “get me” and like me. In this world I’m not an oddball and I’m never uncomfortable around people because they are like me, and I am like them, and I’m happy. But instead my soul got sent here by mistake. I look up in the night sky sometimes and pick out a star and wonder “Is that where I’m supposed to be? Is that where I belong?”
i know i see myself as fat ugly sad pathetic and alone, useless nothing and a absolute f#%$ up I can’t really convey how I feel with a message but if your reading this i’m sorry for making you feel bad.
I am ugly no one likes me. Im just a big fat ugly person, my friend told me to ask someone out, but I got rejected, because Im ugly.
No one likes me
I feel the same way. I’ve been told that people are just to busy to make new friends.
I have gone through this. My own mother told me, I should have died, instead of my sister. She died of cancer,when I got cancer. I didn’t have her love or hugs.
You are one of a kind. God created you , for a great purpose. We are all connected. It’s not your fault that that happened to you. Don’t beat yourself up. Get out of the hole you Are in and go live your life. You are loved.
But it’s true and all this analysing is a load of crap. I’m just a bad person, I understand things that so many others don’t see. And since I’m a homosexual I know that even God doesn’t like me either. I guess when I get to help, nobody will like me there either.
I’m 60 and have felt like most have described here since I was a kid! Kids would play with me but only if no one else was around. As an adult my efforts at friendship haven’t faired much better. There have been several times when I felt I had a close friend only to have them loose interest completely and i never understand why. I feel like if I disappeared no one would miss me. I have friends I talk to online but as always they are there for a while and then just loose interest. I do have joy in life though. I try not to expect anything from people and resolve not to be easily offended. I have found I feel better when I am a friend to the friendless and those who can offer me nothing in return. I enjoy my work and hobbies and I like to study and learn. Perhaps there is something unacceptable about me but I have given up trying to understand it and that in itself is liberating!
One thing reading these comments tells me is though we may feel alone we really are not alone in our feelings. Let’s all try and find those who are feeling down and lift them up. It may bring us up too!
I am your friend,
Tim
I’m jealous of people who are happier than me…
I hate that! When people don’t get out of the way and you are always the one who has to move!! I read an article that says if you look at ppl coming towards you in the eye they will move, it seemed to work. I also hate when ppl are constantly surprised by my presence. Oh I didn’t see you there you scared me! Sorry …
I’m 68 years old and don’t have one person who ever cared about me. I can’t keep a doctor or even a therapist, they all hate me. I try but I’m truly not lovable or likable. Not worth anyone’s time.
Your comment hit home with me because I also was bullied in school and my older brother also joined in. Since I started school, I’ve walked around the playground by myself. I hate saying this about my parents because I loved them so much but I don’t think they loved me either and if your own family finds you unworthy than it’s hard to think anyone else will. Now I’m 68 and stopped dating or trying since the last man who I spent 2 years with left with my money. That was almost 20 years ago.
Hi my name is Nini. I feel that way as well. We just have to do us and say F the world. I have been treated funny all of my life. Im 43 years old and the saga continues. I literally have no social life just work and grand child. I use to want to fit in but now im so guarded and introverted i just dont bother.
It seems to me that there are alot of people posting her with low self esteem and who lack confidence.
I am lonely and it can be very hard to think positively and not give into negative ruminating thoughts.
I would suggest seeing a therapist if you can afford one. Someone who will listen to you without judgement. Don’t emphasise the loneliness. Just talk about your lack of confidence.
It’s hard being lonely and trying to make friends as an adult – it’s like a job. I have done numerous things and made some casual friends. But no one I feel any connection to. They are just beer buddies and coffee mates. People I go out with. Sigh…..
If you want the best friend you will ever have, go to the animal shelters and adopt one. There waiting for you and will give you 100% unconditional love.
I’m literally crying reading posts that so many people have been told “nobody likes you”. Although it may appear to be that way , please try to think of any time you may have made a positive impact on someone whether they appreciated it or not . You may have helped brighten someone’s day just by smiling at them, or by doing the ‘right thing’. Even if you can’t remember any special moment… the fact that you opened up and shared your feelings here with others who are hurting, has been a help so we know we’re not alone. May God wrap His loving arms around each of you!
I am an outcast. No one invites me to anything as I am isolated.
I agree whole heartedly. I could have wrote this with only one exception. Even my family, who I give everything to, seems to not like me. No friend or family calls me. No one checks on me. I call them. I ask to see them. It has been this way since I was tiny. Now as an adult, I don’t reach out as often. I put my energy into my kids. I try to meet new people but I can’t get past the aquantaince stage. Whether its old “friends”, family, or coworkers it doesn’t work out
When they are with me they talk about people who say and do the things I say and do but with appreciation and genuine feeling. I feel hurt but smile. Why was it wrong when I said and did that? My world is shrinking as my children age and want less and less to do with me.
I feel like I’m a nuisance, to all my friends, I am always the one to start the convorsation, and no one wants to talk to me. I feel so alone but I feel like if I talk about it then people will feel like Their dragging me around just having to handle me without wanting to help. I can’t say anything, but I want to. I feel like an empty shell of a person but I just can’t break out
When I was around 10 I made up my inner voice and named her Canny, but she’s more of a harsh but loving friend. I don’t ever think of her as a demon. Thanks Psychalive this actually really helped me!
William you are amazing and I bet if you let yourself shine everyone will like you.
I totally relate to your post. I feel like when I am around someone or a group of people, they don’t dislike me. People don’t mind if I am around, they seem to actually enjoy my presence so I’m not like a hated villain or anything. The problem I seem to have is they don’t mind if I’m not there either. I can’t see any situation where a person or group would be saying, “oh, we should invite/call/etc Jenn,” or “I wish Jenn were here,” and definitely not, “I sure miss Jenn” No one seems to care one way or another. If I am there, that’s fine. If not, well that’s fine too. No one ever reaches out to me. If I don’t put forth exceeding amounts of effort I won’t have any social interactions at all. When I do reach out to others it often feels like I am inviting myself or pushing myself upon people, which also leaves me feeling insecure that it’s only an act of pity, sense of obligation or guilt that compells them to spend time with me. I’m just not sure why. What am I doing that makes me so irrelevant to others and how can I change it? I am open to any tips or suggestions. Btw, I am a 37yr old adult, and I’ve always seemed to have this problem.
Scott and Diane, wow, I can totally relate, I wish you both a solution or a remedy to your/our feelings and thoughts; because honestly life is beautiful we just need to see it through positive eyes, I wish I could sit here and just express my personal feelings and thoughts and experience but like a busy single mom/woman, I don’t have time, but I do wish you the best and keep your head looking forward, don’t hide or be ashamed for we all have a purpose in this world
I want to ask if our inner voice is with us then how we are alone?
I swear I could have written this. Wow.
Omg this is literally all of my thoughts and the why was Correct too I was bullied badly and my first relationship was mentally and verbally abusive. How do you get over this voice when you have generalized anxiety disorder because I have tried but it leads to anxiety attacks.
No one has ever liked me. I just feel so much different than everyone else. I was diagnosed with Major Depression Syndrome 3 years ago. This causes me to be hard to read and not be able to understand social cues. I am awkward during conversations. I often have to make the mental note to smile because I do not do it naturally. Ever since I was five I have talked to myself in deep conversation because talking to others was difficult. I have always been shy and problematic. My parents have never thought to seek help to deal with my mental illness. I have always felt so lost and alone. I sometimes cry uncontrollably when I feel hurt, but I do not understand the source of my pain.I really do not try and pursue relationships because I know they will end horribly. I know I could be worth having around if someone would give me the chance. I am realizing that these issues should have not gone ignored because they are overwhelming to deal with now. I know people can change , but I have not been able to change anything about myself all these years. I just want a way to better understand myself, so I could better live my life.
No inner voice told me I was not loved. I saw it in my parents behavior. My father was alcoholic and he never bothered much in family life. My mom always adored my brother more than me. She always verbally abused me but spared my brother And I could never know what I could do to make her love me.
And when years later I found a partner, he too chose his mom over me. We did marry but i dont even appear in the top 3 people on his list.
I could never be loved as much as I loved someone else.
Is it because I don’t deserve or there is something wrong with me.
Im saying what I feel and see, not any voice in my head.
I have no friends it was my self destructive behavior that drove them all away and I’m either too proud or too scared to ask for forgiveness but I can’t bring myself to make new friends and every day is just getting worse and worse
I have friends and I help them all and I take care of them. Even all of my friends tells me I am a very nice person. But deep down my heart I always feel lonely, I am a boy and I cry almost daily and deprived of sleep. The fact that I am good to people and even people know it, and inspite of that nobody cares me l. This hurts me the most. I don’t know when I am going to be loved back by someone like love them.
Exactly. I’ve given up now. Too much effort. If I try, if I don’t try makes no difference. I have no idea why people don’t take to me but it is an objective truth, not something I’ve made up in my head.
I could have written that myself. This is a perfect description of my life. I don’t know what is wrong with me either. Everyone I meet dislikes me eventually. My biggest concern is that one day my own children will hate me too 🙁
Sarah, I see where you are coming from. Remember when the article talks about the “self-fulfilling prophecy”? The researches of loneliness found that us lonely people, tend to act in way that “put off” others because of our own negative thoughts and biases.
For example, if I have always though I am worthless and stupid and nobody likes to talk to me… then in social situation, those thoughts are suffocating my ability to have a positive interaction.
Look up the “self-fulfilling prophecy” its quite interesting. And here’s the good news: it works in both negative AND positive ways.
What if your HUSBAND thinks you’re boring?
And now that most single women these days have their very high unrealistic expectations which makes love much more difficult to find for so many of us single guys unfortunately.
After reading this article, I’m beginning to understand certain things about my life. I nvr felt loved by my mom as a child and always tried to do things to pls her but never got the loving reaction I expected. This feeling of not being loved has made me search for the love I didn’t get in my mom from others, guys especially and I’ve always ended up being hurt because there’s this voice that kept telling me that “no one loves me”, “no one will ever love me”. There’s been few moments where people tell me bluntly that I’m a terrible person. I look myself in the mirror and cry and encourage myself that I’ll be fine. I’m 32 now but it nvr stopped.
Same sadly WHY DO NOONE LIKE ME
My family hates me you can look at my comments on this for the rest of the details but I don’t know how too I feel lost do you??
I never told myself “no one likes”. It’s just the truth. I’m only now just starting to realize it after 15 years of failure.
I’ve always had a positive attitude towards making friends and meeting people. At this point in my life that attitude is starting feel a bit like grandiosity.
I enjoy my life, and am no longer hurt by the fact that, I have no friends, can’t keep a girlfriend longer than a year, and my parents don’t like me.
I really think the world will be like that for some people, and it’s okay. You can still have a full, happy, and meaningful life even if no one wants to share it with you.
For the longest time I tried to form lasting friendships, meaningful relationship, and change myself to make my parents like me. And I really think that was the wrong approach. It only made me deeply depressed.
There’s nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with no one liking me. After this epiphany I’m finally starting to feel okay for the first time ever.
No wonder why married men live much longer than many of us single men.
Thats exactly how I feel like if everyone around me is annoyed or bothered by me that by the end of the day I feel like the most loneliest person ever 😞
Hi there idk if you will read it in this endless comment section but if u do, I have a very similar experience too except it was my dad. I never felt liked by him and got caned for things such as forgetting to get my parents to sign my workbook and many more that I seem to have conveniently forgotten now. Perhaps it is for the better. Im quite shy around people idk so that makes it hard for me to make friends. However getting to be rlly good friends is even harder because like so many other ppl here, I always have to be the first to msg others to get a reply or sometimes even none. I always have to put in so much effort to be noticed. I also had a lot of teachers insult me too and one that made fun of me.
I hear alot of women commenting, women like to talk so why they don’t talk to certain ones or men? I believe if you are intelligent it makes people feel inferior and uncomfortable. Also we tend to get judged by how we look subconsciously by other people so play dumb, give a compliment, especially to other women & try out a new look see what happens. The green monster is the worst thing that leads to abuse hatred ect… Most people don’t even know they do it because life seems to get handed to them so there head swells! I can’t even word this to make my point because I tried meds for depression that left me a mess 🙁 I found that when I was younger even though I was knowledgeable I asked opinions and listened that made me popular. Then when I shared knowledge, advice the exact oposite I’m 55 jack of all and feel hated!
Let me reword a little? We often hate things in other people that we unknowingly hate about ourselves. I’m kind believe in unconditional love, I’m honest, trustworthy and used to be the first to offer help. Well I seem to have always met the opposite dishonest never there when you need help and would steal from me. Like magnetic opposite attraction why? Then I chose to be not so helpful, give money to never get paid back, just see who people really are and it’s hard to find good people. I still always say the nicest things,sometimes I stand up for myself but usally just take the sht! ! So do we need them ya nobody’s perfect but just a little trust would be nice or help here or there. Should I hold my breath for love? Probably to late but I refuse to die so send some luck to all of us in this boat we’ll maybe find each other!!!
Thank you psychalive… I had lost all hope recently but this article gave me new hope to live. Bloggers like you gave us new hope and go with the life. I realize certain things today and try to change those in my life. I hope it will make my life worth living again.
Well, nobody likes me, either. I’m just not sure if I care or not. It seems like I should. I suppose my lack of popularity stems from being socially awkward but I don’t know that I’m missing out on much. I don’t really like very many other people all that well, either. I seem perfectly happy spending most of my time alone, but am I really? I think we’re conditioned by society to feel we need to spend time with others and have times of good fellowship. Perhaps I don’t know what I’m missing. I rather suspect I never shall…
I’m a senior in high school and for some reason I really don’t fit in. It was very hard for me to make friends and when I did and I was able to trust them they hurt me very badly. I’ve always been there for them and they treat me terrible, they talk bad about me behind my back, they are never there for me, they decide to cut all communication with me and they don’t even explain why until 2 years later when they grow the balls to text me. I feel like I only attract toxic people and I feel like there isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t understand how to make friends anymore and I really don’t have any. I talk to my family and that’s it. Sometimes I think it’s easier and simpler this way but I hate being lonely. I don’t understand why people don’t like me, I’m not an ugly girl, I’m not mean, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I like to pretend I’m tough and that I’m fine but I feel like a tub of icecream. I have a very thin plastic barrier to protect myself from getting hurt but it isn’t very durable and so people decide to stick their spoons in my icecream where it hurts. Sorry I have no idea what I’m saying anymore it’s 2:30 am.
We should start a friend group
Why are you sad Misster? do be because im sure everyone you know loves you! like me kinda some people hates me and some people loves me my grandpa said before he died some people is goign to hate on you and some people wont to STAND UP TO YOURSELF AND DONT LISTEN TO THEM HATER AND WALK AWAY LIKE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF!!
Why are you sad Misster? do be because im sure everyone you know loves you! like me kinda some people hates me and some people loves me my grandpa said before he died some people is goign to hate on you and some people wont to like you so dont be depress.
Most women today have really changed making love very difficult to find for so many of us single men today unfortunately. Women in the old days were very different and weren’t as picky like most of them are now, and the great majority of these women today are very high maintenance, independent, greedy, selfish, spoiled, picky like i mentioned already, gold diggers, and will usually go with much older men for money. And for the women that are very independent now which most of them really don’t need a man anymore. Funny how very easy it was meeting women years ago since most women were very poor in those days just like many men were, and that is why finding love in the old days was very easy. Now most women today just want a MR. RICH type of a man instead of an ordinary man, since they just want the very best of all and will never settle for less. Quite a change in the women today unfortunately, from the old days when most women were never like today at all. That certainly explains why so many of us men are still single today, and not by choice either.
To the people who just say “I like you” to someone they have never met is completely disingenuous and has the opposite effect.
This sounds EXACTLY like narcissistic abuse. Please go do research, find out about the cycle of abuse and abuse techniques of the narcissist. Its all a trick. Its all designed to control and manipulate u, even the love and promises of forevermore. I lost everything to a marriage like this including my loved ones, my health, my mind, and my ability to work. U have to read up on this, watch YouTube videos, educate yourself because this is almost certainly what you are experiencing. And it won’t stop, they will keep hurting you, isolating you, breaking you down and removing all traces of your former self and all while seeming like they love and are devoted to you. They will not get better. They will get worse. Get educated and get out. Don’t have kids whatever you do, they will use them to hurt u however they can. And if ur thinking this can’t b, that your love could never be a monster, thats exactly what they are designed to make u think.
This is ridiculous, how can u say its not based in reality and then say most people experience it? We experience it because its evident in everything that happens with other people. Other people constantly devalue us and treat us like some kind of undesirable other. People who seem to like us end up doing something terribly hurtful and we lose them. Everything we are thinking is based on how everyone else treats us. And before u say we pick the wrong people, its all the people we come into contact with and the ones we get close to are such a wide range of varied personalities, lifestyles… just simply very different people in every regard. If its not us, then it must be them because its awful and its really happening. I googled this topic looking for help and all I found is a bunch masterbratory psychobabble and gaslighting.
Over thinking i feel is a disorder.I found out that when you start thinking, you just need to take long breaths and concentrate on breathing.Your brain cannot think and concentrate on breathing at a same time.
Sadly I’ve been feeling “nobody likes me.” since I was a kid. Humans treated me horrible
thank you so much for letting me know i am not alone how ever wrote that big thing up there.It is so much like how i feel but alittle wore
I am not alone i never thought other feel this way too.
I am not alone i never thought other feel this way too.
Look I know you mean well but I’ve yet to experience much positive energy coming in my direction, when I trusted people in the past they took advantage or they let me down, it’s difficult to make friends if people don’t want to.
Ok, so we have a consensus here that nobody likes any of us and there seems little any of us can do to change that. It’s not like I don’t know I’m annoying to be around, I’ve just never been able to isolate and eliminate the annoying part. People do seem to dislike me a lot less if I interact with them in small doses. A subdued cheerful greeting and a few words and I keep moving. That leaves a lot of alone time but I entertain myself by reading and taking online classes and that sort of thing. I’m sure I’m better for all the knowledge and somehow an annoying intellectual is more acceptable than annoying regular folks. It’s not like having an engaging personality and everyone wanting to be my friend but it’s a lifestyle I can live with.
Hans
I don’t know about that. I’d much rather have someone say they like me at first blush than to say they don’t. I think plenty of us here probably get enough of that treatment already…
Hans
It starts from the family you are born to. My family don’t like me with the exception of one cousin who bothers to stay in contact (my mum also writes to me but mainly to demand attention). I have no friends at 45 and in my marriage I don’t feel appreciated either. I feel that I have to demand to get anything like attention and never given anything for free. Whenever I come across real people or characters who are loved by everyone for no apparent reason I hate them cause I never get that. I meanwhile make a marginally bigger effort for other people and when it’s not reciprocated I feel taken advantage of and angry.
Is this all not but to beg the question: By whom should we seek to be liked? I fear many of us are squandering our efforts on those who wouldn’t make good friends to begin with…
Hans
I feel so lost as no one will ever like me my “friends” always plan without me and g do things while sitting alone at home crying but they could care less about my mental health. I hate it here on earth I don’t know what to do anymore anyone has any advice, please help
I LIKE YOU TOO
I like you 🙂 You can talk to me .
Humans are very flawed and self centered. Some are incapable of realizing someone close to them may be in pain or some may not care, but your mental health is not contingent on this behavior. When you feel left out, don’t focus on yourself; extend a greeting to someone who needs it. Get yourself ready and go out to experience your own activities: go for a walk, do photography, walk a dog, do volunteer work, find a hobby. It may sound like a cliche, but focusing your attention on another topic besides yourself does help. Sometimes you are able to meet other people who are a better fit for you.
It’s ok don’t feel bad I’ve been told by my own family that nobody wants to be around me
I will be your friend your real friend the other people that act like that are fake. Yeah they might have a lot of friends but I bet in the end when they need them they probably won’t even be there. All you need to do is be yourself if nobody likes you then that’s their loss always remember your not alone and I know I don’t know you but I can be your first friend and God loves you. You will find the right friends I know you will.
It’s ok I know how you feel I feel like my own kid doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to be around me and that’s cus we were always so close when he was growing up and it hurts.
I understand the point of view from which this article is coming from, but, personally, my ‘inner voice’ isn’t saying things like “you’re so ugly” or “everybody wants you to shut up”. The quickest analogy I could come up with is that of drywall. Like the drywall your house’s walls are made of – gypsum, if you will.
No one *likes* drywall. Sure, it can be useful, but there are alternatives if you’re looking for something to build a house with. You’ll never find a person who anxiously squirms at their desk at work, just waiting for that clock to tick 5:00 so they can rush home and simply sit in the presence of that matte-beige painted rocky slab that is their kitchen wall. Conversely, not a soul dreads getting back from their morning jog, having to feel the looming presence of their bedroom walls and ceiling.
It just exists there. Humanity would function perfectly well without it, there would be no dramatic changes in anybody’s life, and nobody would know the difference. We neither acknowledge nor disregard its presence or function. Nobody, at any point whatsoever throughout the course of their day, has the slightest thought of drywall.
That’s how I feel.
You could take the analogy further, if you wanted, to say that I feel like the drywall itself; inanimate, mute, unable to draw any attention to itself, and, in the event that anyone pays attention to me, unable to react or reciprocate. Make of that what you will.
I agree With you Sarah. I’ve been looking for answers why I have never fitted in all my life. Yet ALL the articles claim it’s just a feeling. NO ITS NOT. I ACTUALLY DONT FIT IN, Never have. Don’t get me wrong I have a wife and children grandchildren but few friends who I rarely see. What is it about these so called experts who report its all in the imagination. From experience I know in a room full of people ONE PERSON will just simply not fit in. The only conclusion is IM NOT THE ONLY ONE.
After 66 years I realized one thing. There is only one person that one should love and be friends with and that is yourself. No one will ever love you other than yourself. I can depend on myself. I will keep my secrets. I will take care of myself and I am always there. No need to look far. I love my company. I like talking to myself and giving myself advise. It is so much fun being me and no one understand me better then myself. So, at the end of the day, all I need is ME!
It’s good to be your own best friend, especially in a world where so many are consumed by self-hate…
I don’t hate myself but others hate me my “friends” always say she did it or I saw you do it when they did it their self and then I get in trouble for something I didn’t even do while the person who did do it is having fun with their friends that they took from me and it hurts me and makes me feel like I’m not a good person.
I can relate to this! I know I am smart and clever, and a good sense of humour. I make friends but eventually as they get to know my vulnerabilities they lose interest, or start judging. It’s like I have to say positive things all the damn time, act strong and ‘together ‘, otherwise I get criticised and put down! Why can’t I just be myself and express my feelings without fear of judgment and ostracism?! I just want to be ‘ me’ in peace!!!!
What healthy, supportive and positive thing to do. Did one ever start? I’d be happy to facilitate.. having had many years of experience in Mediation groups (inspired by the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh).
@Carolinah.. you literally hit the nail on the head with that one! I feel we are one in the same! I read a couple dozen comments before I came across yours and didn’t have the urge to respond to any of them until I read urs. I too was incessantly picked on by my peers in school. They all but tortured me! Both boys and girls. Middle school is the Devil! Lol. The stain it left on my confidence has made me hate people. I don’t trust anyone and usually if I do make a friend it doesn’t last long once their true colors start to show. I will shut down and retreat back to my comfortable hermit ways. Even in high school I would have only 1-2 friends at a time. Honestly, it was always only one friend and the second person was also their friend. Lol. I am 32 years old and married with an 8 year old. I have zero friends that actually make time for me but they make time for their other friends. I feel like out of all the friends I’ve ever had in my life, I was the one that would always view them as my best friend but they would never view me as theirs. There was always someone they liked more than me even if that person sucked at being their friend and I was literally the best person I could possible be to them. Now, at this stage of my life I’m having a hard time fitting in with my husbands (of 10 years) family bc they make me super uncomfortable. They are super judgmental people so I never feel I can be myself around them. My mother in law is the most judgmental of them all. She talks about everyone to everyone and it has always left me wondering what she says about me to others when I’m not around. I just don’t feel safe enough around her to form a connection bc I feel like I’m always being talked about behind my back. Then there’s the sister in laws. They give each other looks across the room when one of them is talking to me. And the funny thing is, they all think I’m too stupid to notice. I notice every single time it happens. I just don’t make a fuss about it bc I really couldn’t give two shits what they have to say or think about me. The only thing that really bothers me is the fact that they are being fake around me bc that makes me feel and act more awkwardly. Lol. But I guess I’m being fake around them too by not being my full self. So Idk. I’m sure I bring it on myself bc I don’t go out of my way to initiate conversation with them or care about their lives but then again they don’t do that with me either and haven’t from the beginning. All my sister in laws will go and hang out with each other but never make a point to invite me. I’m always left out. And I doooo prefer it that way bc I don’t connect with them like that anyways… but still it does hurt that it’s just me being left out. I don’t even get the option to turn them down bc they just don’t ask. (There’s 3 of them, I’m the 4th and always left out!) They all go to concerts and bars together but for some reason they never think to ask if I would like to join. I mean, it’s either they just don’t like me at all or they just don’t think about me at all.. not sure which is worse? Lol. I feel like it’s worse as an adult than it was when I was a kid bc I notice things more now than I did then. It hurts deeper now than it did then. Buuuut same time, I also care less now than I did then too.. if that even makes sense. Lol. Idk it’s weird. I’m weird. I like that I’m weird though. Lol. Like I’m fine by myself and don’t really need them but would be nice to feel like they like me or want to include me in stuff. Idk I’m just over it. Over them. Over low self esteem. Over judgmental people. Over. It. All. /:
I am psychologist with a faith.. I have two kids, one is a socialite, the other a wall flower. I am a wallflower. I see the difference between those that get seen and remembered and us that don’t. I’m thinking it’s a phenomenon. There are some of us that have another purpose than to be popular.. which is a bugger because it would be nice to be popular, but in the end our purpose would render it annoying.
Love it, you speak truth. Just remember we are brought up by traumatised people and hang around them. Making a way out of the destruction of our environment can mean we have to find a way out of being surrounded by destructive people. Now that bit is hard!!
I try and don’t try, it doesn’t make a difference. We are the wall flowers!! love it live it, find comfort in it
Developmental attachment trauma .. it’s a thing and it leaves scars, the problem with the article is it is not addressing this issue and the long, process of developing out of the body memory it produces. CBT is lame in that it still leaves the fear process active. Healing takes time and expertise. But we grow into ourselves and from that we organically learn to happily not give a f*#@
No it doesn’t apply to you.. you need good therapy with a developmental trauma specialist.. that person will explain your symptoms and work to recalibrate your body out of your trauma body memory
Oh Lucie, I really sympathise. I always feel like my friends are only using me (I make cakes and do them freebies). I have no good memories because I anaylise everything I said and was said to me and I’ll always find that I said or did something that I’m embarrassed about or I feel was stupid or wrong or someone said something negative to me. This means although I like going out, I dread social situations when I don’t know the people really well (ie my husband) A friend even described me to her friend at her party last week that I look sweet and nice if you don’t know me, but I’m not (she was drunk bless her) She also called me opinionated and the penny dropped. The thing is I had to shout loud in my house as my Dad and my brothers were overbearing and I was quiet and shy, I went red if anyone spoke to me and got bullied at school. It could have stemmed from not wanting to be a victim, but not really knowing how to handle it. I am bad at getting my point across so maybe they see me as patronising and pushy and overbearing in some conversations?? I am now trying to sort myself out and bite my tongue and stop being so defensive. Could you be overbearing? (It isn’t personal, I don’t know you)
I cried reading all these stories. I have been told all my life, no one likes me. Even my family has told me none of the family likes me. I just don’t fit in. I always questioned why? What have I done that is so bad that no one likes me? I know I can be a bitch at times, but I think that comes from feeling lonely or left out. I feel so alone, and alienated, and left out. I’m old now 65 and have cancer, I don’t have long to live and I still feel alone, even though I have a husband and kids. My husband doesn’t stick up for me, he hurts my feelings a lot about my feelings. But he is liked and people just fall all over him. But it isn’t that way with me. That is how it has been all my life. I don’t want pity in any way, I would just like to be excepted and cared about. Oh, people say they care, but they don’t. I am never invited to do anything, no one ever calls me, includes me in anything ever. I don’t know how I would react if someone invited me some place. I have even had women to pretend to be a friend to me, so they can get close to my husband. One lady I worked for is waiting right now for me to die, so she can set her best friend up with my husband when I die. That hurts. Because for years I thought this lady was my friend, but all along she was just after my husband for her best friend. I know this sounds crazy, but it happened and is true. And many other things in my life. But for sure none of this is in my head like people want me to believe. I know what I feel, and I for sure know how I am being treated by others. Any way. It is what it is. But it is good to know, there are people out there, that feel like I do.
I’ve realized that I’m not alone. There are many more like me out there going through the same debilitating situation the seems to keep feeding my own worst enemy. I wish I could run into someone with the same problem and ask questions about it..
I have this same problem
I’ve been feeling this way for most of my life. I’m different. No one gets me except my husband and kids. I’m so glad I found this article. Reading all your comments makes me feel like I’m not the only who feels this way.
You can step up, Mike. Fortunately women today are a little less worse than that. Calm your nerves, work on yourself and ask yourself what kind of woman you want. Then give it a shot, go for her…. You’d get her.
This is exactly what happen to me!
I’ve read this post crying because I am completely alone, and I want a company.
I know that I am full of issues on my mind but I think that is too late to fix it. I don’t have anyone in the US, and in my everything Tustin is not a feeling, is complete isolation. Nobody like me!
Same.
And my kids hear it from everyone too 😔
I wish it was just an inner voice telling me this. Unfortunately, I’ve never met one person who actually did like me. I guess I’m not good at social cues, or I’m just so used to being hated that I frequebtky mistake it for love, because I genuinely don’t see how much peopke dislike me until the entire “relationship” blows up & finally tell me they never wanted me around. This happens over & over & over again. And yet I keep putting myself out there. I keep trying. Idk why.
The worst part is I passed this toxic trait on to my kids. I can’t think of one person that ever loved any if them. I don’t even think they like each other. But I keep encouraging them to get out there & try. That advice has destroyed them, especially my youngest. They want freinds. But freindship has to be mutual. And caring about someone isn’t enough to make them care about you.
I want to be invited to every party but would never go!
I would be interested!
I feel this way. I go through life feeling like everyone hates me and I am just a big loser. I feel raw and ashamed. Many years of therapy but not fixed. It’s excruciating.
My inner voice consistently tells me I don’t matter snd I never should have been born. I was adopted in the 1960’s before abortion was legal so I know I was never planned or wanted. I’m a 53 year old mother of 2 teenage boys, married to a man for 5 years, obviously not their father. Every time I try to express my feelings of how I feel I am told I’m just trying to start a fight. I honestly believe my inner voice is my sabotage. Your advice sounds nice and true but unfortunately it’s not that simple when you have people you love actively telling you what you are saying is not important and more so telling you that you are just trying to start a fight. So it’s better for me to keep my thoughts to myself. Otherwise my husband argues and yells at me and my kids. I should never have been born.
My mom did not and could not love me either. I am now married and my husband puts his mom over me.
That is so true! I care so much but people want more than just someone to care about them.
I had a lady invite me to bible study, and to walkher dog in the mornings and to do a craft. I lasted a out a week and a half because I didnt really connect with her.
I love being alone yet feel lonely at the same time.
Now I understand that I’m not the only one person who’s suffering these feelings and loneliness
I pose a serious question after reading this.
WHAT IF YOU HAVE WORKED THRU ALL THE STEPS; DONE A ZILLION “GOOD VS BAD LISTS” ABOUT YOURSELF; DUG TO THE VERY CORE OF YOUR BEING; AND REALIZED THAT YOU TRULY ARE THE REASON THAT NO ONE, INCLUDING YOURSELF, LIKES YOU: AND THAT YOU REALLY DONT CARE OR HAVE THE STRENGTH OR GUMPTION TO TRY TO BE LIKABLE; BECAUSE YOU NOW LIVE COMPLETELY IN YOUR TRUTH, WHILE E ERYONE ELSE STILL HIDES BEHIND A MASL OF LIES?!?! HOW DO YOU COPE WITH THAT?
I’m at my limit these days, last week it was my birthday and only got wishes from four people, I was waiting for wishes from my co-workers since there is that tradition, but nobody said a thing. I also hoped to get birthday wishes from a group of friends, which are not as such anymore since none of them remembered. I was a fool to not hear my inner voice days before and think that these people actually appreciate me, but turns out that they don’t, none of them do. Nobody has ever appreciated me nor wanted me near, the few times in which I’ve been part of a group of “friends” I’ve felt more like a thing people has to put up with, but not actually accepted by anyone. Right now I can feel when I talk with my co-workers that nobody wants me there, I’m mocked at and not appreciated. I’m really tired of all of this and I wish I had a real friend.
I understand what you’re saying very well Lucie,
I can be really funny, helpfully considered person, yet nobody cares , people just hate me for no reason .
Maybe because I’m not very good at communication,
I have see some mean people out there who are loved , respected by other people around them…
I grew up very outgoing and social,
Then when i hit puberty i became outcast .
Now 36 all by myself, no calls or texts except from my brother for months ..
I have done a lot in my life, I am proud of , developed my carrier became successful , yet I am terrible at attracting people .
went on dates after dates, and nothing came out of it , I’m turning people off.
After so many bad experience, rejection after rejection, I don’t leave my house anymore ,maybe once a month if I have to , don’t do small talk anymore, don’t do eye contact anymore, have become resentful and jaded.
Confidence in people is based on their experience in daily life.
How can I like myself when nobody cares and see me. going out and seeing people and couples makes me feel like .
very well said , if we lived in mountain by our self we wouldn’t have so much negative thoughts , people around make us feel unwanted!
I hear you Mike ,
That turns me off , women want men to accept them as they are, but they have longest list of expectations impossible to meet them all.
they only want positive things of a man, won’t put up with any hardship that can happen in relationship.
they jump from man to man like they do shopping.
Even if you get into relationship with one , it wouldn’t last long, cause the love and attention is fake.
Women use to be the caring one, the nice one , now it’s opposite because they have more options.
i have nobody in my life to talk to
Nothing to do with external circumstances but everything to do with internal feelings?
Nonsense.
As a creative, strong minded individual I’ve been ridiculed since nursery by teachers… kids never liked me, apart from a few friends, and it’s been going on for years up until the adulthood where I just don’t even bother.
I used to like myself as a kid, then it started to be too much and only as an adult I like myself again…
I am nice and kind to people but it ends there – I don’t dive into friendships and I am very careful with opening up.
I also think I’ve lost my creativity and drive because it’s been so frowned upon.
So yeah, it’s not so much internal.
This is all very interesting. Many of the feelings and thoughts expressed here have crossed my mind over the years, and I’ve come to believe that some folks are “built for public approval” and some just aren’t. I also suspect many of us are not. I can count my friends on one hand. My cherished daughters, who show their love through their actions, as much as their words, still don’t seem to like me much. I know, of course, loving and liking aren’t mutually inclusive but wouldn’t it be nice. Anyway, the feelings and observations expressed by the others in this group have given me some needed insight. Thank you all for your words. I feel less alone.
My ideas, thoughts and feelings are nobody’s business but my own. As such I don’t share them with anyone because my perspective is usually different from those I hear around me. When asked for my opinion I remain silent or advise that I decline to comment. The only way to protect myself and my property is to stay as invisible as possible because in the lawless garbage society that America has become, one cannot trust anyone (individuals or authorities) to respect difference.
I guess I’m jealous to people show me
You need to travel more, maybe even move. I stayed in the same city and now I’m 38 and alone. Save yourself and branch out to a new city far away.
i think saying you are not alone nothing but thesame as, it can only get worse,or, there are people that have it worse than you. you can talk yourself into the highest selfawareness,oe the lowest life you can imagen. i think people must help others feel a little better, with a compliment, or giving something of yourself, dont be scared to give pieces of your soul to people that need it. in my opinion, this is a solution to many paople, dont tell people to be more selfish, cause i dont want to be more selfish. people need people, and some help from others. one compliment is not so hard to give, sand it could save a life. people need encouragment, not more pain. pain kills in the long run. the artikel is overthaught. like people are prone to overthink.stuff. give some kindness, some love. it is gonna cost you, a lot propably, but you will get peace in return. peace of mind. if you are fake, you can always start being who you are as soon as today, from now on.
i miss love, wich is so much more than the value of money. tell your kids to be kind, and spread your kindness, whole i knowo there is noone for me, i started to be kind anyway. you cannot break someone, and ask for forgiveness afterward. i doesnt work that way .
express your own quild and take responsability, and change into yourself
Anonymous, I could of written what you wrote with a few small changes: during a catastrophic time in my life and right after I was told I needed a 5 level spine fushion and foot fusion, my brother told me that nobody in my immediate family likes me. My mother told me “we’re not going to help you” with glee in her eyes, a week before my scheduled fusion (I live alone…no partner, no children. my family has no extended family) Last summer my sister told me, “the family doesn’t want you around. No one likes you.” My family has dogged and excluded me since I turned 18 years old. Maybe because I’m a vulnerable, sensitive person). I’ve been fired from jobs because nobody liked me. I have had three faithful friends since middle school. We eat out once a month. But, I’m so beat down and worried that all people will eventually hate and reject me that this past year I started dreading meeting with my friends for dinner. It was so much stress and pressure, it made me sick. So I quit going t to the gal pal dinners and finally just cut off contact. It’s a relief to be alone. It’s a relief to accept that my best life will be my life lived alone. However, its painful sometimes and takes some adjustment. I’m getting there.
I read this at a time when I was reflecting on how lonely I am. What I heard when I read this, was it was my fault, it’s in my head, why I’m feeling like this and what can I do to change. WOW
I’m almost 60 and I have felt that I don’t ever belong anywhere for my entire life. I thank God that I never got married and had children because they would have been awkward, life long social outcasts like me and it would have been so painful to watch them relive my life all over again. I was bullied in school. I was bullied and made a scapegoat at every workplace where I have always been underemployed.
Today I came to know that so many’s r there like me how I feel ……. I always stay alone and I afraid to mingle with people surrounding with us . One thing I want to tell I love u all ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😘 plz love urself be 1 st friend of urs … wear nice dress eat healthy do yoga or else Zumba with louder music and check slowly u all will overcome from this read motivational articles spend time with kides it will help us to overcome. I am also one of u guys from my childhood till now no one is there for me not even my family 😭😭😭😭😭I tried many times to do suicide but I couldn’t.🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻It’s my humble request to all love ur self pray to god be positive stay positive. Today’s onward I will not feel isolate because of u all love u guys I love u 😘
That feeling of “no one likes me” comes from being bullied throughout school and having no friends as a consequence, and also from being severely sick and by myself, the first time having called an ambulance that refused to come (in my country ambulances are free and it is rare they don’t come but they told me to pay a doctor instead) and the second time I asked my then boyfriend and he left me by myself severely sick. I don’t have any other close friends. My dad is depressed and is of no help to me. When I visited him to help him when he got CoVid he shouted at me to leave him alone. I contracted CoVid from him then even though I had a mask. And again no one to help me. I am sickof it and I don’t know how to deal. I generally have my life together but I am scared of getting sick again. I am scared of losing my dad (he’s not suicidal but he’s tired and doesn’t have an interest in anything except for work) My dad is the only close relative and person I can speak with and depend on when he’s ok. I don’t know how to deal. I have tried therapy but it seems I am just wasting my money with no results.
Maybe you need a new one therapist, one of my friends also doing a few time of searching the therapist that she could connect with, it takes her almost a couple of times till finally now she’s being better, but for me I once visited a therapist thankfully she’s one that I could connect with. I hope you can get someone or a therapist that you can speak with, much love from here.
I’m doing these steps tonight and seems like I am feeling so much better, thanks you so much psyhalive, hopefully everyone who also felt this stuff we can get rid of this thing step by step, as a child who came from a divorces, I always believe the healing process takes time,
^-^
all these are not reasons to be alone, believe me there are people who are cleaver, considered pretty and are humour inside but still alone with no one that appreciate them, other people may have no unique thing and still have a close friend, there are no certain rules to have real friends we just need to be in the right place among the right people
To Lucie: I am with you. It is offensive to me to be talked down to that that very real exclusion I have known since a young age is somehow made up in my mind by some stupid “inner voice”. It is real, it has happened and it shapes the personality and tenor of someone’s personality, outlook and desire to live. The best part of carrying this horrible weight is other people scoffing, taunting, or complaining to point out the very sadness they can see as if it is some psychologic problem or character flaw. This author can shove it straight up their #%$^.
yes awesome idea we will solve our problem
can we call
It’s like you copied the thoughts and feelings right from my brain and pasted them on this forum. Crazy, wish I could meet you and be your friend. Seems like we are a lot alike. People just don’t seem to think about us when we aren’t present, and when we are around it seems like they enjoy our company but never ask for it in the long run. All my so-called “friends” from school are nowhere to be found. It’s like I was there just to pass the time for them even tho I look back & miss the memories we made. I see childhood friend groups all the time on social media still together like they’re still in high school but for some reason I’m left out to watch from a distance. I’ve even tried reaching out & of course they put on an act like they miss me and say they’ll be in touch to hang soon but that has yet to happen.. Makes me feel like I was never really a part of my friend groups to begin with.
“So, while we may feel alone in thinking “nobody likes me,” we actually have that in common with a staggering number of people in the world”
Why do people think that is comforting? Oh don’t worry, a whole bunch of other people have completely miserable lives too! Yay, I feel so much better!
I know probably no one will read this, but I’d like to say this helped me understand a bit what’s wrong with me. I have this voice, and I’d like to share a recent experience with it.
Recently, I noticed a girl at the gym was looking at me. At first, I wasn’t sure, and I thought I was imagining it or something, but she kept doing it for weeks. I really didn’t know why she was doing it or what she wanted, but I summoned the courage and one day, I approached her.
It started with a casual greeting, but then, I decided to talk to her. Now, this isn’t easy for me, and every time I try, I think I would have nothing good to tell her, or that I would be too awkward, but I try really hard, and shun these thoughts.
However, they’re still there, and I feel like what I’m saying is stupid and pushing her away.
And I think that’s what happened… I don’t know if it was something I said, or the clumsy way I talked to her, but she stopped looking at me, and I feel like she talks to me to be polite, and she’d rather prefer if I didn’t approach her anymore…
The clear example of this is when I see her, and she looks the other way, and then I hear the voice, and it tells me “she didn’t really like me. I probably misunderstood or she was never really interested.”
And I keep thinking this, and even though I try really hard and approach her, I feel I act too weird and she finds everything I say dumb.
I’ve been called “monster” because of the way I used to look. Once, I was standing on a bus stop, and a couple of girls started laughing, and I heard them “why is this monster looking at us” I felt terribly ashamed, and even though I’m sure I wasn’t staring at them, I walked away.
People at school mocked me and treated me badly, and this continued until I was an adult. Even when I started college, no one liked me and I had no friends.
So, I decided to change, physically at least. I started working out and leading a healthy lifestyle, until eventually, my physical appearance improved.
Over the years, I’ve had friends and even dated some girls, but nothing lasted very long. I felt like I wasn’t part of any group, and there would be no difference if I weren’t there. My relationships always ended in failure, and only one girl stayed with me for a couple of years. But even she has left.
Now, I’m on my late 30s and that sense that nobody likes me is still there, even though I’ve done everything I can to change. I have only one friend left, but she’s very far and busy with her own problems, so we rarely talk anymore.
I feel miserable and lonely, and though I’ve tried to reach out again, I’ve failed. I can’t connect with anyone, and every time I try, I feel like it’d be the same story again. I see the failure before it happens, and I’m afraid it’s not going to get any better but worse.
I admire you for sharing your life experience so far. I am sorry to hear your sadness. I really want to reach out to you. My situation is very different. I am married with children and grandchildren. When I was younger I was bullied a lot. I was the ‘short one with the boobs’ So i got bullied from boys and girls. Then, as i got older I got used when i thought i was being adored. That’s a whole other story that lead to a shotgun wedding, domestic abuse, divorce, single parent hood, benefits and social housing. I was alone for many years being treated terribly by so called friends and boyfriends who were users. I have been through such a lot more but you get the idea. Why am i telling you this. Well, I hated myself, even though i showed a bubbly character, this was the character I wanted to be and adored. I pretended to be her. One day i realised i needed to change my life and take ownership of it. The thing is, i still experience shit times – at work- at home, massive family fallouts over what other members have done to my family. I even left my husband once because I couldn’t bare to be around his family after what they had done to my family. (another long story) but i always loved him. I tried so hard to leave but came back to him and then was blessed with my son. You are YOUNG enough to still make things turnaround – meet someone, find happiness and love. I see you as a caring loving person who needs to be heard. There is someone else out there who feels exactly the same as you who needs you to reach out to. Please find those social groups and get out and about. Don’t presume your past defines you – it doesn’t. Find your happy place try to be more social. Set a small goal each day that will move you closer to people who share your interests. Look further afield if you have already looked in your locality. Plan to go to an activity and actually go. FEEL THE FEAR & DO IT ANYWAY. Book by Susan Jeffries – brilliant book – really helped me to re-focus when i was younger. I hope this helps. All the very best of luck love and success in what you choose to do. C.
Life is short. Ask her out. The worst thing that can happen is she says ‘no’ you lose nothing. Go for it. She may just be shy but if not and she isn’t interested then you’ve clarified things and don’t need to waste any more energy on her
they dont like me either so at least your not alone
Like what Snowy said, it really does feel like there’s just something inherently wrong with me, a fundamental aspect of me that makes me unlovable. If it wasn’t there, or if I could change it, then I would be a different human being completely. I can’t “be myself” and also be loved at the same time. “Me” is unlovable.
A friend (I use that word loosely but she is one of the closest things I have ever had to a friend) told me last summer that I make a really good first impression; I come off as friendly and personable and I’m really good at making other people feel included and welcome. But that after she started to get to know me better, and get to know the real me, I made her “feel like she was crazy” because she always had the sensation that I was upset with her in some way. I was completely oblivious to this and still have no idea what she was referring to. I asked if she had any examples or specific instances, or could elaborate more on the feeling but she had nothing else, she just said it was too vague and general to pinpoint more than that.
Then she said that it wasn’t until her girlfriend started getting to know me and had the exact same experience that she finally didn’t feel crazy, because someone else confirmed that it wasn’t just her making it up in her head.
It also makes a lot of sense with past failed friendships and a string of emotionally abusive friendships I’ve had – all these people just came to resent and detest me, if they didn’t vanish out of my life before it got that bad, despite the fact that they liked me enough to want to try to be friends when they first met me.
There’s just some foundational part of me that is unlikable and repulsive to people. Something so deep down that I’m incapable of finding it to fix it.
I’ve had multiple different therapists over more than a decade and nobody has come close to being able to help me with this. The closest thing I’ve gotten to an answer is simply that, far more profound than low self-esteem or anxiety, I just hate myself. Which is true. People say nobody can love you until you love yourself, and that’s also true. But obviously I wasn’t born hating myself, this developed slowly over a long time with a lot of external reinforcement.
So there was something there from the start that made me detestable and unlovable and spurred others to teach me to hate myself. And I learned that lesson well and now have a profound self hatred that contributes to making me unlovable. I feel wretched and miserable all the time and it’s so easy to trigger the pain with the vaguest reminder of other people having bonds and connections and being cared about and loved. But it also feels “right” to feel like this. There’s a sense of correctness and balance, this is the way things are supposed to be, the pain is deserved and just. It’s almost impossible to want to fix this because of that feeling. Why would I want to help someone who I hate with every fiber of my being, and whose pain and suffering produces some kind of “rightness”?
What was that thing in me at the very beginning of my life that led me to be ruined like this? Whatever the answer to that is – whatever my unlovableness is – is where the solution to this whole problem can be found. But finding that solution just isn’t possible for me, I recognize that now. Whatever it was probably doesn’t even exist anymore, it’s been replaced by the self-hate. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that that’s not going anywhere for as long as I live.
Being in complete isolation is the only thing that makes me feel okay anymore. It’s other people that make me remember I hate myself. When I’m isolated from others and exist alone, it makes all the thoughts about human connection stop too, and I feel peace.
Yes Snowy, the sentence “ everyone else emanates some kind of invisible glue that makes other humans stick to them, and we are somehow born without that” is something which makes me feel so helpless, so miserable and just take the live out of me as if I have been slapped right on my face. Here, I am trying to get involved with them, have a pure heart for them, no judgemental opinions or anything mean, just standing ready to accept them as they are, acting like their lawyer who would protect them everywhere just for a hope I will get the same treatment, not exactly same but somehow other one will also act same for me or at least think for me too. People always say I don’t want this, I don’t want him, I don’t like him, they will treat me good, they will treat me bad, here am like at lease you are being noticed, at least someone is paying attention to you, you are not invisible, because trust me the most hurtful part is not being paid attention to(as if you are invisible, u don’t matter, you are just here so that other person can shine more brightly, as if you are here just to get expend), this is one thing which is truly hurtful and I felt like crying, I want to get closed in a space all alone and cry out, but still I can’t, as if I have doubts in me “am I overreacting, over thinking, or over feeling things). But it’s like I don’t have a way out, Not exactly I don’t know what to do to get out of this feeling, but I don’t have the energy to do that particular thing which might help me out of this misery.
After reading the article, my coping mechanism is to read comments, to know how people are reacting to this, am I alone or there are people who think like me, and the next minute I find myself crying while reading each one of the comments as if they are of my own and this is because it’s exactly like I am feeling, I don’t know how to express myself in few words and hence the long para, people say let’s text and talk about this but somehow the truth is I feel, they are feeling this at a particular moment or for the time being, but maybe the other person is contacting them when they are at their happy phase and in this way when their frequency are not matching they won’t be able to understand or be able to listen to them 100 percent.
But at the end, I feel good after writing it here
Thanks
I had a girlfriend not too long ago. She was the glamorous type, always got attention, but wore a scowl on her face in this world, and she rarely said something nice to me.
She liked me because I was popular and friendly and just like all sorts of people, and talk to people and smile.
After a while it came to me she never said anything nice to me. After the early weeks it seemed she was always annoyed. When I brought it up, she said I needed too much “validation”, and we broke up soon after.
My inner voice always wants to be nice and friendly and see little beautiful things in people. I like it when people smile because I showed just a little caring.
I think it translates to those people who say “it’s not my inner voice, it’s other people.”
Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but it seems when I’m looking for the best in others, they find it in me.
Near 43 year old male virgin. Chronic pain, severe nervous system damage, etc. I’d almost wager I’ll be dead pretty soon.
Besides the idea of a relationship being dead, considering…I’ve actually not met a woman I really like (sure, there are many pretty girls…and I’m that guy who doesn’t give a shit about your clothes and I think cosmetics is taint).
I’ve spoken with what initially seemed to be nice people (referring to women), but I was very very wrong about that. EVERY time.
One thing pretty much invariably gets to me (I’m entertaining the imaginary here, by supposing I’m actually eligible) about people is the stupid beliefs and assumptions.
I find it near impossible to speak with people these days.
Oh and btw, in case anyone wonders, the entire medical industry, particularly pharmacy is tainted, based on fraudulent and backwards malicious principles).
Replying to Cal. Yes, life is short. It is too short to show interest in any woman because just as a woman doesn’t know which man is a rapist, I don’t know which woman is a false accuser. There is no solution to this problem.