7 Reasons Most People are Afraid of Love
What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we say we want?
Around this time last year, Virgin Mobile USA proclaimed Feb. 13 to be “National Breakup Day.” They did so after conducting a survey in which 59 percent of people said that if they were looking to end their relationship, they would hypothetically do so before Valentine’s Day to save money. The beginning of the year is often said to see a spike in couple splits, with various sources claiming that January hosts most divorce filings and couple separations. You may even have heard it referred to as “National Breakup Month.” In this so-called breakup season, we may be unfortunate enough to witness once-happy couples splitting up left and right, or we may recount our own painful parting from a partner we once loved.
No matter what the timeline, the story of lost love is one most of us can tell. This leaves the question “why do relationships fail?” to linger heavily in the back of our minds. The answer for many of us can be found within. Whether we know it or not, most of us are afraid of really being in love. While our fears may manifest themselves in different ways or show themselves at different stages of a relationship, we all harbor defenses that we believe on some level will protect us from getting hurt. These defenses may offer us a false illusion of safety or security, but they keep us from attaining the closeness we most desire. So what drives our fears of intimacy? What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we say we want?
1. Real love makes us feel vulnerable. A new relationship is uncharted territory, and most of us have natural fears of the unknown. Letting ourselves fall in love means taking a real risk. We are placing a great amount of trust in another person, allowing them to affect us, which makes us feel exposed and vulnerable. Our core defenses are challenged. Any habits we’ve long had that allow us to feel self-focused or self-contained start to fall by the wayside. We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt.
2. New love stirs up past hurts. When we enter into a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how we’ve been impacted by our history. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, starting from our childhood, have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to as well as how we act in our romantic relationships. Old, negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We may steer away from intimacy, because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, loss, anger or rejection. As Dr. Pat Love said in an interview with PsychAlive, “when you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain,” the pain you felt at not having it in the past.
3. Love challenges an old identity. Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of being unlovable. We have trouble feeling our own value and believing anyone could really care for us. We all have a “critical inner voice,” which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves.
While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own. These critical thoughts or “inner voices” are often harmful and unpleasant, but they’re also comfortable in their familiarity. When another person sees us differently from our voices, loving and appreciating us, we may actually start to feel uncomfortable and defensive, as it challenges these long-held points of identification.
4. With real joy comes real pain. Any time we fully experience true joy or feel the preciousness of life on an emotional level, we can expect to feel a great amount of sadness. Many of us shy away from the things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain. The opposite is also true. We cannot selectively numb ourselves to sadness without numbing ourselves to joy. When it comes to falling in love, we may be hesitant to go “all in,” for fear of the sadness it would stir up in us.
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5. Love is often unequal. Many people I’ve talked to have expressed hesitation over getting involved with someone, because that person “likes them too much.” They worry that if they got involved with this person, their own feelings wouldn’t evolve, and the other person would wind up getting hurt or feeling rejected. The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment. Our feelings toward someone are an ever-changing force. In a matter of seconds, we can feel anger, irritation or even hate for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. It’s better to be open to how our feelings develop over time. Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a relationship that could really make us happy.
6. Relationships can break your connection to your family. Relationships can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. They represent starting our own lives as independent, autonomous individuals. This development can also represent a parting from our family. Much like breaking from an old identity, this separation isn’t physical. It doesn’t mean literally giving up our family, but rather letting go on an emotional level – no longer feeling like a kid and differentiating from the more negative dynamics that plagued our early relationships and shaped our identity.
7. Love stirs up existential fears. The more we have, the more we have to lose. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we fall in love, we not only face the fear of losing our partner, but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening. In an attempt to cover over this fear, we may focus on more superficial concerns, pick fights with our partner or, in extreme cases, completely give up the relationship. We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these existential fears. We may even try to rationalize to ourselves a million reasons we shouldn’t be in the relationship. However, the reasons we give may have workable solutions, and what’s really driving us are those deeper fears of loss.
Most relationships bring up an onslaught of challenges. Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behavior is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various justifications for why things aren’t working out, however we may be surprised to learn about all of the ways that we self-sabotage when getting close to someone else. This is one of the subjects I will address in the upcoming eCourse “Creating Your Ideal Relationship.” By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining lasting love.
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About the Author
One day after saying yes to dating a really nice guy I abruptly ended it. As we were sitting together he made a statement that he could stay with me forever “like this” cuddling. I freaked! It scared the crap out of me and I didn’t know why and to a degree still don’t. I think after being married for 20 yrs (separated/divorced 3.5yrs) I’m scared to death of being hurt although I want to have a LTR but I don’t know how to move on especially since he wants to be back in my life after 2.5 mths of being gone….and I want him back…just don’t want to put him nor me on a roller coaster ride. This article says a lot and has given good explanation on why I may be sabotaging it….now onto how to handle it. :-/
cari,
tell him what you just told us. Express your thoughts and feelings to him so that he is aware. Let’s say that he “understands,” but later down the line he uses your “vulnerability.” I say, so what? You took the initiative to tell him the truth, and it’s great to find out that the other person was not sincere in the relationship. In the end, what really matters is knowing yourself and that you tried your best at being a good person who is only human and trying to live a well life. People will always hurt themselves or others, and that is something we can’t change. What we can change is ourselves and what is within because you’ll be standing with a whole, beautiful heart and they’ll be standing with a question mark in their heart. Good luck!
I’ve experienced romantic love twice. Both times it was so stressful and emasculating. They were so unrelenting in their criticism. They made me feel so bad, what tiny self worth I had disappeared altogether. They constantly expected me to solve all of their problems- they wanted me to take responsibility for everything. How could I do this when they made me feel so terrible? How can I solve any problems when they have stripped me of my confidence? When I stood up for myself I would be met with violence. In fact I would be met with violence when I didn’t. I am very old now and I have never been loved by a woman. I am a peaceful caring man I would sooner cut off my hands than hit a woman but the violent men I have known have woman dripping off them. I am physically unattractive but I deserve better. Or do I? I know that entering into another relationship will the start of another descent into hell.
This was a nice description of the problem faced in your relationship . I was critical to my partner as well for not taking responsibility . I wanted her yo share my problems which she wasn’t. Well she left ME. I have suffered though hell to accept that she doesn’t love Me no more .
My thing is that I attract the wrong men into my life.
Im so bitter about the bad treatment that I don’t even know when someone is being genuine or not.
Bc I want to feel love and affection any guy that comes my way and gives me good attention, I fall for but sooner or later Ihe hurts me.
Like currently I like a guy who is dating someone else and bc he gives me attention ( even tho he ignores me at times and treats me like a slut) I just focus on when he does treat me well and ignore the bad. I know I should love myself to walk away but I feel that I crave feeling wanted and love. I’ve been single (no relationship ) for 6 years.
I’m attractive fit, classy and independent but I can’t find anyone to value me and be genuine. 🙁
My ex dumped me after promising me the world and showing me so much love and attention. He even told his parents that he loved me and wanted to marry me. Then without notice he’s dump me and said that he set the expectations too high
It hasn’t been the same ever
What’s wrong with me.
What is wrong with you, is that you are asking what is wrong with you! Nothing is the answer to your question. When you accept the fact that you’re not responsible for his behavior, only your own behavior; it will be easier to deal with that. Why he treats you badly is simple, you let him. He dates you and someone else because of his own insecurities. When you realize that a man cheating has nothing to do with you not being good enough or that you are in some way not valued, and it has everything to do with him not feeling good enough for you so he has to boost his ego with attention from others. You will see your own self worth. What is wrong is you are taking his insecurities (by evidence of how he treats you), and projecting them on to yourself. Value yourself, show your worth to yourself. The rest of the world will see it and believe it, and respect it. If you don’t love, value, and respect yourself how do you expect others to. You are worthy! God created you, Jesus died for you. You are already loved without limits by God. Hop on board. The right person will follow. God bless.
The gal I love and care for has pushed me so far away and what makes it awkward is thst we work together. We’re civilized but she rarely talks to me. She’s really guarded herself even with coworkers
Hate to say it but only friendships that seem superficial are appealing to her. It truly breaks my heart for her..
She’s told me when we dated that commitment really scares her.. mostly because of a verbally abusive relationship to a guy she was to marry. I told her that her fears and such didn’t scare me. I think that in itself scared her.
She once told my best friend that his fiance needed him to be there for her, encourage her and be consistent. I feel that came from.a deep place for her.. she ignored me for 2 months and admitted that she was wrong for that but my love and care for her scared her. We agreed to take it very very very slow. Within a week she shut out again. Became very ugly, short, rude, etcetera. My guess. She hates that I see the good in her and she’s hell bent to prove me other wise. She’s a pain in my ass but I love her with out condition.. I try, at least. I’ve never been so puzzled in my life. ..
Sorry. I’m a rambling man.
Hi,
I never been in a relationship, never wanted to. In school I thought having a relationship is too childish or immature and later on I never talked or conversed enough with the guys to see if i like them. I always categorize them into simple friends or in the brotherly status relationship. i feel better that way. Not being in a relationship never bothered me. Btw, i should mention that I’m an Indian. Wedding are sacred in my community and of course should be done in a timely manner. I’m 29 now, without being in single relationship and never had any inclination towards it. My family decided to find a guy for me. Its common in Indian community. I met him but i still don’t feel anything. i talked to him, he seems good and have reading habit just like me. But i still can’t decide, it has been only a few days since i met him and my family wants me to give them a reply. a good one. i can’t seem to get the relationship idea… i feel is scared and threatened into something i might not like. I don’t know what to do.
Tell them the truth..that you are not ready…they won’t understand it .I know: I’m indian -well indo fijian…there’s going to be parents grandparents relatives that you barley know all up in it telling you what is best for you…you obviously understand if you get married to this guy it’s not going to work out…for arranged marriage to work out both parties have to have an understanding of the unknown and be open to it. So tell the truth make your intentions clear so that there is no doubt with family and as well as the other party involved..if he understands you he will do his part from his side to help..if he pushes you to get married than me personally I would run…it will take courage to this considering that indian families are so traditional and easily influenced by outsider BS…I feel like I’m ranting now..
I’m currently at a point of fear for this guy who is really taking the time to nurture and love me. He makes me want to be in a relationship, he makes me want to be love – though in a state of fear. We were friends in high school for 3 years and in that 3 years we stared developing feelings for one another, after the 3 years we somehow lost connection for 6 years. This year we reconnected and I realise that he brings out the best in me, he makes me want to face my fears, like, he gives me that courage especially when I see the way he handles himself . Somehow, though, everytime he tries to get closer to my heart and actually learning something about me I pull back. I’ve been to his house before quite a few times but now I’m fearful to go because he wants us to take what we have to mother level. I know it sounds childish – but the reason for my fear of going is because he wants us to kiss, and I know if that can happen I putting my heart in his hands and I am trusting him completely to be faithful and loyal and that I do not need to worry about how he will treat me and take care of me. I’m trying to stay away from him but I can’t because of what it is that I feel in my heart. When in away from him for 2/3 days I already start thinking, smiling and missing him. I really like this guy and the best he brings out in me but I am afraid and afraid as well that I may lose him for staying away and pushing him away with my actions and words. In just cared because I believe we can have something good together for long but I’m afraid to give everything only to find that’s not the way it’s suppose to be – the “together for long” HELP PLEASE
If you truly feel that way, take a leap of faith.
true
Hurt and betrayed by someone who said they love you but proven that he was not genuine
A few months ago I went through one of the hardest break ups of my life. In the process it caused me to lose 6 close friends and I lost myself. The guy used me for sex, would hit me, would tell me so many insulting things, make me feel stupid for trying to be loving and caring, and he cheated on me with 5 other girls. I ended up moving to a different state to try and forget about it. In that process I met a nice guy. Who is definitely an upgrade from the last one. He treats me with respect and is down to earth. But I’m scared to love again. I’m scared to be with someone again. What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? I’ve thought about it, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m stupid or something. I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me.
I do agree at some extent. But can’t agree with all the reasons. It can be true that relationship break connection with family. But, it’s not necessary, there are lot of examples around us who are in relationship but have a nice relationship with family as well.
You are afraid of falling in love. Something you never thought would happen and never have experienced. Because she comes with flaws, packages and imperfections yet you see right through it and fell for her. You’ve found an angel ??, someone who loves and care for you like no other. But you were young and too afraid of commitment that you let it go without thought. You may never find anyone else like her in life ? Its hard to find someone who’s down for you like how she always have. But you broke her ? and now shes looking for love in all the wrong places. And you’re alone hoping to find someone like her, who’s perfect. But you will never find a loving human being too busy loving you that she forgets to love herself.
This is what’s currently happening to me. Toooo scared. My love runs deeper and deeper and I’m getting scared though he’s everthing that’s good as a man. I freak out because of a kiss. Because of too much feelings, etc. I understand nothing. Why is this?
I ended up on this article because I’m trying to make sense of the emotional crisis I’m in, two months into what is supposed to be a happy new relationship. Jules comment, written almost three years ago, touched my heart… I wish the world was’nt about physical attractiveness. I wish he could meet a sensible, kindhearted, loving and insightful woman who saw what precious soul he is. Who could tell him; “Of course you deserve better, darling”. And who proved it. That together they proved that entering into another relationship will not be the start of another descent into hell. And I wish the same for myself.
A very totally different time that we live in now which finding love in the past was much easier. Today not so easy.
Hi
Umm…the is other guy that has Interest in me and he told me that he loves me. Now he wants an answer. I do love him but I want us to talk face to face and not on the phone. Because of my last relationship ,we started dating on the phone and we never talked face to face. There was no communication so I dnt want that to happen. So now I’m confused cause I dnt knw what to tell him. Yes or No
Please help
Just Call him, and communicate, if it fails, at least you tried
To whoever is reading this comment,
I like this girl, we went out for coffee. I found out things I really like about this person. She’s down to earth, family-oriented, and even has a sense of responsibility. I asked her if she’d go on an actual date with me; she agreed. As happy as I am with her saying yes, I’m also scared. Its not the fear that she might leave me or anything, its more so the fear of me breaking her heart. I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking it, but if anyone can give me advice it will be greatly appreciated.
Instead of asking what’s wrong with you, maybe think about what is wrong with him! Just out of the blue, he feels this way then gives a vague explanation?! Think it’s him that has the problem not you. It’s just not meant to be, be thankful for not spending 10years w someone to only find out they don’t even know what they want!
Just a comment of appreciation for this article! It has concise points and relatable descriptions that make the points understandable and recognizable. I stumbled upon it in the most unusual fashion but I am thankful I opened it up and gave it a read. I can see how many key points within this article actually apply to my new relationship. Thank you for your well written article!
Hey so I know this doesn’t really have anything to do with this article, but I really need some advice. I’ve been friends with this guy for about three or four years now, and almost a year ago he told me he was in love with me. But I just completely freaked out and didn’t know how to react or how to handle it so I just told him I was afraid it might ruin our friendship. So two days later he slept with one of my friends and is now in a relationship with her since a couple of months. So I didn’t really have any time to change my mind or anything, but after some time I realized I’m in love with him. So I really wanted to ask what I should do. Is it wrong for me to tell him I have feelings for him since he is already taken? Should I just try to move on and leave him alone? Please help me with some advice I really need it I’ve been going crazy.
I think you should speak your mind. But also understand that there is a massive possibility that one relationship will get damaged, if not lost. Love doesn’t really know any boundaries though, and if it’s how you feel…. then you should at least express it. If you cannot deal with losing a good friend, then it may be best to leave it alone.
Just remember to be bold.
I have been in relationship since 6 years and after 5 years I met a guy whome I have so much interested to I’m madly in love with this person but my partner whome I’m committed to is far from my place and it’s a long distance relationship and our family decided to get us marry but the thing is I’m so in love with the one I met recently I don’t know how things gonna go but I’m stressed and lost thinking about what’s going to happen next
hey decent advice and tips thanks for the info
I met my love three years ago we r in LDR he visits me twice a year I showed him from my actions how much I care about him also he met my family we truly love each other but bc of past hurts it’s hard for him to trust me bc we met online he thinks I was talking to others even after we met last time he came he said who is coming next after I leave ? I ignore these red flags bc I thought my love for him will prove one day he is the only one in my life . But things get worsed bc I was unable to maintain a good online connection mostly when he get free and message me it’s middle of night at my part of world if. I wake up and reply late he will think I was busy with some one else also some times in the middle of conversation I lost connection I try to defend myself but he is always negative. We were going through all this but we were still together he gave me chance to settle all these issues and I gave him chance to trust me ,
He did a lot for me he spend a lot on me
I try to did same but he never let me pay bills , now time was to plan our wedding yes we reassure each other and I was happy he is changing but last night he start all over again he think I’ was involved with others he thinks I’m more comfortable having a video chat bc I’m use to it with others I told him it’s my first experience and you are my first ever live but he hurts me like this it’s not gonna work more and I hung up on him I told him
I will sacrifice my life a thousand times but I will break over a question of pride .
real love begins where nothing is expected in return
you are my only love only wish only friend and only happiness but I’m failing to prove it . So I better leave …..
I don’t know where I’m wrong I think it’s not the distance which let him feel like this his nervous system is made like this he will always b anxious about me and my acts .
he is divorced twice bc he doesn’t trust fully he go by what he see and what he feels.
I know he is like this but I was thinking I can change him he deserve happiness in life but I can’t take this anymore it’s really hard .
Hey.does comment required an approval bc I can’t see my first comment in here ?
Hi, I hope you find someone that you do want to marry, and that he is a good person.
But what about most women nowadays that have so many very high standards?
So I meet this new guy and we’ve been going steady almost 8 months now. The more time I spend with him the more I love him but when we are away I just worry so much about him. I don’t know if it’s me because I’m not use to being with one person. I was single for so long and I just lived life. Now it’s different because I know what people are capable of doing and that scares me the most. If I continue to have this mindset I will never be in a serious relationship or happy. I just need some advice on what to do ?
Love is the greatest dance in life. Surrender to each step. Hold your partner close to your heart, but don’t grasp”
Great words. I enjoyed reading your article. Thanks for sharing.
It’s truly hard to understand. We work together and for almost 2 years of flirting on and off, hot and cold, he sent me a text to go for drinks. I was in shock, I said yes. We met up and my gosh it was amazing, in all my years it honestly was the best date ever. We laughed so much, he opened up and actually told me something very deep & personal that he even cried. It was just an amazing time. He called me as soon as he got home and even said how much fun he had and can’t wait to do it again. Not to mention during the date he told me he thinks about me all the time and he actually manifested this. I was like wow! I am so confused, one he didn’t call or text me for 6 days and I was the one to reach out to him, not to mention the fact that we work together still even though we are remote right now. When I reached out he said he’s sorry he has been going through some things and he said we did have so much fun. So I said whens the next one ( just to see where his head is at) and he responded with Idk well see. After that I didn’t even respond back. After a couple days went by I texted him about something for work and it was like nothing ever happened. Since we have been talking only about work stuff but I am sure he feels that I am a bit cold, not intentionally, I just want to understand what happened. One thing I didn’t mention is I did say to him at the end of the date ( cause I am unsure if he is still with this girl in another state ) since they have been on/off. I wanted to be clear and let him know I don’t roll that way and I am a prize. He said he knows I am. So I am so confused. Why would someone say they manifested everything to only ghost me the next day? Especially in our mid 40s you would think people don’t play those games anymore. What went wrong?
I have fallen for my boss. I have a crush on her bad! She kept asking what’s wrong. I finally told her after trying so hard to not ruin my friendship. I told her I said “just remember you asked. Then after telling her my heart ached for her in way wayyy to many ways she’s looked like she was about to cry then she sucked them feelings in and said nothing!. She said we can’t have this conversation because she’s my boss…
I feel though old relationships have scared her to try at love again or because I play around a lot that im just playing? We both in other relationships we don’t like so I can understand not jumping up and down.. Love is hard nothing good is easy. I feel like she wants to be more then a friends. She’s so sweet to me still not mean really but definitely changed her attitude towards me. I said in so many ways I’m infinitely crazy about her. But I’m not allowed I guess cause she won’t say 1 thing being my boss… I’m leave my job my heart is in pieces and can’t stop thinking of her. It’s been a month since my crazy teenage feelings have blown up in my face. FYI 39 not teenager lol. Still everyday every moment she’s what’s on my mind. I even told her as much last week. I think I lost my best friend because she’s scared to be hurt again. It’s killing me! I feel A strong connection but I think it’s only 1 way but why did she tell me no talk about this while I’m your boss? I don’t need money fancy things or anything I would do anything for her I would run away with her without a single question.
I.J.W.Y.T.B.W.M.F.T.R.O.M.L.
I hope you are doing alright Mandy. I guess it looks like it’s been a while since the post I read, but I just want you to know that I understand feeling betrayed… not the same way of course. But yes, I have been betrayed by close family. And I still live with some of them… not the “betrayers” though, thank God. But hey, nobody is ever really to “blame” for anything. You, me, nobody. You just have to roll with the punches until you get a knock-out.
Most women nowadays are just so very mean and nasty as it is when many of us single men will try to start a conversation with a woman that we think would be very nice to meet, and then to have them Curse at us which doesn’t even make any sense why most women today unfortunately are really like that. Very troubled women out there now making love very hard to find, since these women today have really changed from the old days.
How about the obvious elephant in the room.
I’m a bit over dating not because of any of the above mentioned but because it’s expensive.
The social norms are still the man pays. And that’s exhausting with online dating. So I am very hesitant to date anyone knowing that most women expect the man the pay for their time which is just wrong. Not the way to start any sort of relationship as unequal.
If only women were more progressive in this topic like they are about equal wages..
To find love is so hard for me, sometimes it makes me feel like love is not for me..men keep breaking my heart.. am smart,I don’t have a bad character,am beautiful and yet I can keep a man…they just leave with no reason. maybe am cursed or something.
I don’t know why, I just don’t have faith in love anymore..watching my friends or drama characters which starts with emotional love and those little things makes me ticklish n happy, but watching my friends or any characters who start from lust..it makes me I don’t know what but it scares me I don’t know why.. m scared of people now..these days in everyone is after physical intimacy and hook ups..m scared that I will get hurt someday by someone.. I have seen my friends cry when they failed in relationships or getting hurt being in relationships.. it might be my defensive mechanism in me that’s stopping me to seriously fall fir someone, sometimes ‘m afraid that I may hurt the other person by being toxic somehow
I was awesomely happy in a relationship for 4 months and then, what I didn’t expect at all, she broke up with me out of the blue. From the beginning until the end, she was caring, intense, needy, she would text me everyday since she wake up until she goes to sleep, call me, she was lovely, we used to be together up to 3 days per week, she was doing everything to have a serious relationship with me. Everything was great and I was following the path she has made for the relationship. Each of us meet ours families, they love me and mine love her.
Then, out of the blue she felt spook of the relationship she has created. As her words: “I thing we got too serious and I think I got scared of the relationship.” She was too confused, even she still have those touches and beautiful acts (she still caring and everything with me) towards me one or two week after we end things.
She has been dealing with depression and probably anxiety (as I see how she stress cause of college lately) and I believe she overwhelmed about everything.
I have gave her space, time and I didn’t begged at all, I didn’t pressure her, but I told her I can be by her side while she works on her.
3 months later, im heartbroken (I gave her time and space thinking she could reconsider the awesome relationship we were having), after being her sun everyday I became a stranger, she even haven’t started a convo all this time, a call or a text asking how im doing or even going out for food. I have texted her like 4 times asking about her and her family.
I feel destroyed but now I feel like im ready to let her go.
I am currently in a relationship but I don’t think he’s the one for me.. He’s sweet and loving, but some aspects of him doesn’t seem to click with me. But he’s willing to change for me, and I felt happy, so I endured it for about 7 months, but I feel like there’s a lot of him that doesn’t seem to fit with me but I can’t tell him to change cause that’ll just change him for being himself, which I have no rights of.
He fits really well with me when we were besties, but changes as soon as we got into a relationship. I feel guilty for not liking the way he cares a lot about me. Things keep on getting worse, and now I cringe when I see manhwa couple love each other. I think now I don’t even wanna have a relationship anymore, and also not in the future. I’m traumatized. I think I’m gonna break up soon, for both my and his own good.
This took me so long because I can’t bear to make him cry, but now that it comes to this, does that make me evil? I don’t think I will date anyone again for at least a few years.. I’m afraid I will hurt them again.. Is it wrong to feel this way? I didn’t want to hurt him but I just make it worse now.
Please give me some advice..
Not all woman is mean and nasty
Hey Van
I’m in a very similar situation to you currently. This guy I’m with – we were friends for two years before dating – is wonderful and treats me well. There are however parts of him that have made me feel less connected to him recently. I’ve seen his love for me continue to grow, and mine has just stopped, all of a sudden. I think it is a mix of fear of commitment (due to my fear of “losing myself” in relationships due to toxic past relationships).
I spoke to him just the other day about my current issues, about how I feel the relationship has moved too fast (1 and a bit months of being official, and he tells me he’s in love with me). He also says things like moving in together, going away together, conquering the world together etc. and it has made me freak out, because I’m not at the same level as him yet.
This sudden intensity of emotions, alongside the other things about him that I’ve realised I don’t like, has made me want to RUN away from this relationship. I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, because he’s really sweet, and even when i told him about all these things that were on my mind yesterday, he didn’t raise his voice or get angry; he was supportive and understanding.
I feel like i SHOULD want to be with him, i should want this. He is kind, caring, loving and supportive, and respectful; trais I’ve always wanted in a man. But for other reasons, for some reason my gut instinct is telling me this isn’t right for me right now. I feel like the timing is off and a SERIOUS relationship isn’t what I need at the moment. It could be a bad timing thing, i don’t know.
It’s so hard to navigate this. I don’t want to hurt ihim at all because i care about him so much and like him so so much. It’s really tough. And it’s like, all these things I’ve been looking for in a partner, he has some of those! Why don’t i want to be with him then? It makes no sense.
Sending my love and support to you; it’s not an easy position to be in and i really to sympathise with you <3
I'm constantly at battle with my own mind and thoughts, it's so tough.
Really unsure of what to do.
– Anonymous
I remained friends with an ex for a year hoping that we will be back together. I ended the friendship five days ago because I wanted more. He still wants to be friends with me. But I refused and cut contact with him. He feels that if we date I will not be happy in the future because he is not correct person for me. He feels he is not the right person for me although I am quite right for him. He is ok to date someone else even if it doesn’t work out but doesn’t want to date me coz he thinks we can’t get married in future. Do I want this to work because of my feelings for him or he is actually scared of hurting me?
I’m so glad I ran into this!!! You have no idea how you have helped me with your message. It’s exacting what I have had to face 3yrs ago when finding out that my husband of 30 years had been cheating the whole time we were married with his high school girlfriend …she was married to and when her husband ..found out he divorced her. The two of them got married right after I asked him to leave. I pray God will help me see that there are nice men out there. Thx you again for your your encouragement
“2. New love stirs up past hurts. When we enter into a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how we’ve been impacted by our history. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, starting from our childhood, have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to as well as how we act in our romantic relationships. Old, negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We may steer away from intimacy, because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, loss, anger or rejection. As Dr. Pat Love said in an interview with PsychAlive, “when you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain,” the pain you felt at not having it in the past.”
This is the one that has affected me my entire life. It started when I was in grade school and I offered a girl I really liked a piece of jewelry that I had found in my house. It wasn’t anything expensive but I was barely 8 yrs old what did I know. Her reaction to that simple act was immediate and visceral. She threw it on the ground in anger and bitterness. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. It was the last time I spoke with her in a honest way. After that my experiences with girls I liked have been one rejection after another. The most painful was as a sophomore in college. I thought maybe I am being too picky and should adjust my expectations. So I tried to ask out other women whom I believed I had a better chance with only to be rejected and openly humiliated by them as well. Finally I just gave up and never tried again. That was over 20 years ago now. What everyone calls romance and love for me has been nothing but a bottomless pit of hurt and pain. It must not be meant for me. One thing I know for sure. If a woman likes a guy physically she will let him walk all over her. If she is not physically attracted to you she can be the meanest and most vicious animal on earth!
Hlo fam.In high school,i met this guy who was my senior.He fell for me and confessed his fellings for me.We didnt get into anything serious when he told me he was just joking.It broke my heart but i’v never showed it to anyone.I’v turned down all the guys who’ve asked me out all bcos of that expirience.Now one of his friend is asking me out and realy his fellings are true.What do i do?
Honestly I’ve never been in a relationship. Don’t know ehy but thinking of being in a relation with some really scares me. Total 5 boys proposed me till now but i got anxious and scolded them for proposing me. Today i searched this when that 5th guy proposed me. I suddenly logged out from facebook and i became contactless.
This article hits home with me. I believe that my relationship abruptly and without notice ended because my partner feared losing love. I provided a great love for her and her kids and I love them all very much! Its been over 30 days now since they left and I am so depressed that we are not together. We had a 4 year- live together relationship. I am not ready to move-on despite all the advice of friends telling me to do so. Is it ever a possibility that she and I can rebuild our relationship? I love her so much and I have been praying for this!
Unfortunately this is how I still feel even though I am in a relationship
Well, have you observed when you put milk for boiling, how it foams up when the heat is high? Next moment when you turn down the heat, the foam goes down for never to rise again? That’s what happened here.
I am particularly wary of those guys who are immediately love stricken and immediately see me as the one.
This is a red flag. A mature man would take his time and take the things slow like they should be.
I always have a feeling when I find someone who loves me, I have a fear that when I go to ask them out, they’d reject me, not once in my life have I been close to having a relationship, all my friends make fun of me for not having one. My long time best friend betrayed me by dating my crush, which happened 3 months ago, since then, I’ve been real quiet, bottling up my emotions, suppressing them, and not talking a lot. Other times, I’d think about what the future holds for me. There was once I came close to having one, then that was it. I’m only 20, and people keep telling me that I’m still young, I’ll find true love, I ended finding out the hard way that I’m just some lonely freak and a total loser. All my friends ditched me and my best friend didn’t apologize to me. When I found out, I became sad, I’m still going through the five stages of grief, I know, I’m over exaggerating things, but this is the truth.